NEWSLETTER: "GRAMSCI'S THEORY OF HEGEMONY - THIS IS MY JAM"
This Week:
* CATS - Being played like drums
* GUNS - How the telly people fib
* MAYOR - Vote Sir Ian Bowler
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy Birthday Dave
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Gorman, Jon Bon Jovi
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| & Mikhail Gorbachev"
B3ta email 518 - 2 Mar 2012
Rent ebook edition of this issue from a library:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue518
Nice cuddles : [email protected]
Nasty cuddles : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Win stuff for designing a magazine cover
Design the front cover of PlayStation Access
Magazine - WIN a Sony DSLR + lenses + Sony
NEX-7 Compact Camera + new PS Vita
http://bit.ly/zHuOGF
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Jesus wept! loads of stuff. Stop it!
>> "Thank-you, Murdoch!" <<
"The Sun on Sunday!" croons timoncheese.
"Or The Sun, now published on Sunday.
Whatever. I made a song on its launch date to
celebrate/hate seven days of boobs!" Well, who
can't get behind boobs?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cute animated robot <<
"Hey Magic Donkey," randomly insults
Josephwbear. "My friend Ian made this video
for my band!" A large reason we enjoyed this
so much is the continuous production notes
that pop up and explain how he did stuff.
http://bit.ly/zP0i9H
>> Hoxton Zoo <<
"I'd like to welcome you to a brand new
concept in animal curation," writes Kevin
James. "You've heard of pop-up bars, pop-up
cinemas, and pop-up restaurants: now we're
proud to present the world's first pop-up zoo,
located in the heart of ultra-cool East
London." Hoxton's truly got it all.
http://www.hoxtonzoo.com
>> 'London's 66,000 Guns' <<
"After being inspired by your very own Tom
Scott, I did a talk at Ignite London," beams
michaelwstory. "I bit the hand that feeds me
and dished dirt on my sometime employers in
the world of TV documentaries." Fascinating
5-minute glimpse into the way we're sold on
urban violence.
http://michaelwstory.com/talk/
>> Sarah Palin remixed <<
"Just finished this," sighs smearballs. "And,
yes that's my ass in ladies' panties at the
end. My mother is proud." FEAR.
http://bit.ly/whJZcc
>> Sir Ian Bowler for London Mayor <<
Tory caricature Sir Ian has announced his
candidacy for London Mayor, where he'll be
running against Tory caricature Boris Johnson.
"Thanks to Bloggerheads, Beau Bo D'Or and all
the others who've lent a hand," writes
alter-ego Natt. "Oh, and if anyone wants to
sign his nomination papers, leave your name &
borough in the comment or email me."
http://bit.ly/zPzcgV
>> Postcards Then & Now <<
"The basic premise is old photographic
postcards from 100 years ago compared to the
same view today as shown on Google Street
View," explains santadog99.
http://postcardsthenandnow.blogspot.com/
>> Wandering cameras <<
"Back in the summer of 2010 me and a friend
left a disposable camera in the middle of
Covent Garden," explains mrjamiemalcolm. "It
was labeled with instructions to take a photo,
relocate and leave behind for the next person.
43 days and 300 miles later it returned."
Google Map and pictures here:
http://g.co/maps/ktaa7
"We are multiplying the idea by 10 on March
10th, so check it out here:"
http://www.cameraobscuraproject.co.uk/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Corporate Idiocy
Last week we asked for examples of what
happens when companies turn out to be run by
people. Stupid people:
http://b3ta.com/questions/corporateidiocy/
* RULES IS RULES - "As a fully-paid up member
of the Asthmatical Society of Britain, every 6
months or so I have to see an 'Asthma Nurse'
to have a 10-second chat about my inhaler and
confirm that I am still alive. The surgery is
about 10 doors down from where I used to work,
so I popped in one lunchtime to arrange an
appointment. I was informed that they were
only arranging appointments over the phone so
that people wouldn't have to come into the
surgery in the middle of a flu epidemic.
Standing at the reception in the middle of the
surgery, I asked if maybe it would be easier
to do it then and there. Nope, rules are
rules. If I wanted to make an appointment I'd
have to do it over the phone. I got my mobile
out to be told that all such devices should be
switched off upon entering the building. So I
went outside and made an appointment over the
phone with a receptionist I could see through
the window about eight feet away. I was then
invited back into the building to pick up an
appointment card, lest I forget the time, day,
or even address of the building. She at no
point in all of this gave any sign that she
thought this entire endeavour completely
ridiculous." (Guntfuggle Quackblast)
* NUDERY - "I used to work with a very pretty
and curvaceous young woman. I mention her
appearance not to bring out the sweaty-palmed
amongst you, but because it is relevant to the
tale. Like many companies, it gradually
changed from a funky dotcom startup into
something more corporate. One day, one of the
suits decided that we needed a weekly
Management Report, summarising progress in our
department of hairy IT geeks and snarling
sysadmins. And it fell to the gorgeous hero of
our tale to write this report, and submit it
each week. After several weeks, she started to
wonder if anybody was actually reading it. So
that week's report contained the now legendary
entry, somewhere near the back: '"Naked
Wednesday" was a big success. I've been asked
to organise another very soon.' Despite being
leering, boorish letches to a man, not one of
the management team commented on this. After
that, she didn't put much effort into the
report." (moon monkey)
* HATE - "Years ago the company I worked for
invested a huge proportion of its annual
profit with a 'performance consultancy' to
take the sales team off-site on a 2-day
motivational course in Brighton. The sales
team consisted of eight people of varying age
and experience. First day-and-a-half was
bog-standard fare: team-building exercises,
presentations, strategic planning and a heavy
night on the piss. But the final afternoon was
the stuff of legend. Every person was sent
away for an hour to compile a dossier on every
other member of the team. Their profiling
should include two things they liked about
each person and one thing they disliked. After
the hour was up we regrouped and took it in
turns to say our piece to every other member
of the team. Two things became quickly
apparent. 1) It was clearly hard for people to
come up with two things they liked about their
colleagues. 2) People were not content to only
list one thing they disliked. It was a
horrible session that culminated in three
people taking the train home early and four
resigning the following Monday morning. Money
well spent." (BinDipper)
>> This Week - First World Problems <<
It's hard when your cruise liner fails to
quite deliver the luxury you demand. Still, at
least world news organisations are there for
you in your aircon-less misery. Tell us your
tales of out of touch self-pity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstworldproblems/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> WTF QR Codes <<
QR codes are the mess of pixels advertisers
stick on posters. The theory is that you point
your phone at it and you can find out more.
Quite why that's better than just, we dunno,
just printing a URL or "google 'cornflakes'"
we don't know. Equal amounts of bafflement
and amusement here:
http://wtfqrcodes.com
>> Star Wars suggested viewing order <<
For us the answer is simple. Just watch the
first one then, if you really must, Empire
& Jedi. Apparently the answer is more
complicated than that.
http://bit.ly/rAuMoX
>> Crazy Lady <<
8 minutes of audio from a New Zealand Radio
show, reading out a text exchange after a
one-night stand. It's amazing.
http://bit.ly/wbIDEW
>> Custom case for Raspberry Pi <<
Lots of love for the Pi this week - we get the
appeal to hobbyists but the whole teaching
kids to program stuff with Michael Gove sounds
a bit unlikely and opportunistic. Anyway - to
the doubters who think it should come with a
case - eBay provides:
http://bit.ly/zFBZ7r
>> Most interesting pants in London? <<
Nice collection of photos of an abandoned
clothing shop. Lucky it wasn't a food shop.
http://cl.ly/Ebl8
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but with with a screen covered in snot
>> Cat slap solo <<
One man, one ironing board, two cats, pure
gold.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Slow-motion flint & steel <<
Transitions rapidly from 'two blokes mucking
about with fire in the garden' to 'moment of
dreamlike, ethereal beauty' and then back
again.
http://youtu.be/qO9g1_BTz0o
>> Never steal a hacker's laptop <<
Computer nerd proudly recounts how he utterly
pwned the guy that stole his laptop. Or at
least the hapless schmuck who bought his laptop
off some dodgy guy in the pub.
http://goo.gl/dahlH
>> Prometheus TED promo <<
Inspired bit of marketing for the upcoming
Alien prequel - Guy Pearce's TED talk as
corporate genius Peter Weyland. Kind of makes
us want a film of just him - it could be like
the good bits from Iron Man.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Prometheus_clip_promo
>> Too much MDMA <<
Kids, this is why drugs are not cool. Or maybe
why they're so much fun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Interview with a KKK guy <<
Ex-Klansman recalls how they were all beaten
by "one, old black guy." Mind-boggling stuff,
particularly the Klan guy's expectations of
what black people would be like, before
meeting one.
http://goo.gl/3KZgM
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Some names this week. Still not funny.
* DUBIOUS RACIST LOLS - Boinkpl informs us,
"Despite all appearances, it's not super
racist!" Hmm, we're not so sure about that as,
by our reckoning, this has been set up
specifically for the gag and isn't in any way
real.
http://bigbustycoons.com/Homepage.html
* RED LOLRY YELLOW LOLRY - drpeterwilliams
writes, "I followed a lorry with this on the
back last week. You might say I was right up
its arse."
http://www.fuchslubricants.com/
* OH THE FRENCH - stuburchett writes, "You
don't seem to like my ideas for Funny Name
Corner but surely this player for Marseille
and France is worthy of a mention?" Don't
take it personally, we don't like "any*
ideas for Funny Name Corner.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rod_Fanni
* HE WORKS FOR ACER - and thanks to Valentin
is now moderately more famous. Please don't
send him crank email.
http://tw.linkedin.com/pub/easy-lai/21/55/733
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: PICS TO POST ON FACEBOOK
in a self-hating attempt at popularity
* NEVER LEAVE YOUR COCKATIEL NEAR A CHOCOLATE
FOUNTAIN - a wise lesson in life.
http://i.imgur.com/VtJkg.jpg
* ADVICE FROM ROUTER COMPANY TO CAT OWNER - we
had a similar problem with our cat and the
powerpack for the ZX81.
http://i.imgur.com/QvEhW.jpg
* BEST PHOTO OF NICK CAVE EVER - also he's 54,
so we're betting he uses a lot of hair dye.
http://bit.ly/wqL5Pj
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: CUTE ANIMAL SHIT FOR IDIOTS
No no, we don't mean it
@tjh informs us that Buzzfeed are listing the
"26 Happiest Animals In The World". Doesn't
include the ones that inherit millions from
batty owners mind you.
http://goo.gl/aaoaC
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: AMAZON TAT
Where to hide your drugs
We recently had to babysit a cat for a friend
whilst they went on holiday and noticed an
obvious drugs box in the kitchen. You know the
type; wooden, vaguely hippyish Indian patterns
on it. Sure enough, opening it, there were
Rizlas and bits of old lighters etc in it. It
got us thinking - people need drug boxes that
aren't so bloody obvious. Like this - a small
safe disguised as Karl Marx's Das Kapital, your
local plod isn't going to open that and bust
you when you invite him round after you've been
burgled are they?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002VWP4I...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Austerity Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make well-known
things cheaper
Your favourites included:
* POSH - Tory triumvirate resurface as Peckham
traders (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10701345
* WESTMINSTER - the House of Commons, rendered
via the medium of threaded forum discussion
(HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10704501
* WIND - of all the cheap energy alternatives,
this is the cheapest (Snappyuk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10700270
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/austerity/
>> New challenge: Bowdlerisation <<
What would well-known movies/TV shows/ album
covers etc be like if meddling Mary Whitehouse
types were in charge and could censor
everything? Challenge suggested by Drunken
Mademoiselle Heau.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bowdlerisation/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* T-SHIRTS COMPO RESULTS - last week asked
"what is your favourite swearing?" to win 5
T-shirts. The winners:
1. "cuntbubble" - Wasp Box
2. "My favourite swearing is cunt / Its near
the arse, but at the front / I'd argue is
better than shit if is pleases / I'd fuck your
cunt but not your faeces" - PhillieJoe
3. "My favourite swearing is on a bible. I
like to say cunt while holding one" - The
Twisted Omentum
4. "go and take a running fuck up your own
cunt" - drbroon
5. "My favourite swearing is "faggot
butterfly" in Hungarian." - The Hedgehog From
Hell.
Make sure you get in touch ASAP with your size
/ address to send them to. Or if you want to
buy one? Go to the shotdead site:
http://goo.gl/s4y1D
* 10 YEARS OF NEWSLETTERS? REALLY? skeltonator
writes, "Amazingly, in three newsletters' time
it's going to be the 10th newsletter
anniversary! I do hope you are going to do
something special like sacrifice a kitten or
something." Blimey. Maybe we should get a new
hobby.
* MEAT CAKE - intesvensk writes, "I see in the
newsletter that you are interested in meat
cake. A couple years ago, my friend, Tim, cut
sugar out of his diet. On his 30th birthday,
he was very confused as to why we had made him
a cake, why we were serving it before dinner,
and why it weighed about 10lbs. He soon found
out the meaty, delicious reasons behind our
sinister giggles."
http://goo.gl/gbkdN
* THANKS FOR SOMETHING WE DON'T REMEMBER -
johninchester writes, "I hope you don't mind,
but we copied your idea and made the Council
Twitter Bullshit detector. It's really winding
up spin doctors. Follow @councilbullshit on
Twitter :)"
* EMAILS FROM SOCIOPATHS - chris writes,
"Spike some dog biscuits with speed, feed some
to a guide dog for the blind, then video the
carnage :-)" Blimey, let's not do that, eh kids?
* PLANS FOR THE B3TAN AUCTION CONTINUE - with
some really quite interesting art created by
board members.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/For_the_B3ta_Tauction
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CELEBRITY-DEATH-GIFS.COM - every time a celeb
dies we get these gifs on the board. A whole
site of them would be very popular - if not
something we'd really want to run ourselves, as
it's a bit ghoulish. (Another celebrity death,
more content for the internet machine. "Feed
me death!" demands the web as she scoops the
body into her HTML maw. etc)
* MOON-BASED TAX HAVEN - seeing as people
register companies in Gibraltar whilst clearly
operating in the UK - why not the Moon? It
would be just as farcical, yet somehow much,
much cooler.
* A POTTY THAT SAYS "YUM YUM YUM" EVERY TIME
YOU POO IN IT - we're toilet-training a
toddler at the moment and we think this might
help.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends: [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by HappyToast,
waz4444, RHINO=HARDCORE, glenbo, jakedamusss,
Markygee, Kompani, WiL, @evarley, @stevejbeck,
McMookMac, Gratch, @distinguishthis,
@achrismiller, @natduffy, monkdagola,
SnowyTheRabbit, ALittleMouseWithClogsOn &
@iamamro. If we had £1 for every wank, by
now we'd have a very sore penis. "Keep going,"
said the wife "just another 48 ejaculations
for the leccy bill". Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top Tip via
GLITTERWEvilsprinklesANK.
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TOP TIP:
Rid yourself of annoying telemarketers by
asking them if they sell anything BUT what
they're trying to flog you. Keep going until
they get annoyed and hang up.
Still looking for something else to read? You
could do worse than check out board stalwart
Gonz's blog. "My dyslexic and the blog is my
take on how I see words," he claims.
http://wordsbygonz.tumblr.com/
