NEWSLETTER: "IMAGINE BONO. THERE YOU GO, RUINED YOUR DAY"
"IMAGINE BONO. THERE YOU GO, RUINED YOUR DAY"
This Week:
* ENORMOUS - Gigantic Toffee Crisp
* INNUENDO - Masterchef muck
* UNHELPFUL - One-Star Amazon reviews
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Sticking poo in your
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | inbox since 2001
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| and still doing it"
B3ta email 520 - 16 Mar 2012
Read this issue on phone whilst crossing a road:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue520
Mystic Meg : [email protected]
Mystic Smeg : [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: CAPITAL by JOHN LANCHESTER (sponsored linky)
5 signed copies to be won
Capital is an extraordinary read - the story
of why our economy is sick, in novel form.
A real state of the nation book that has the
epic scope of The Wire and left us terrified
of the coming austerity apocalypse.
We think you should read it and we've got five
signed copies to give away. Simply answer this
question in 50 words or less, "What will your
life be like in 2021?" Best answers, according
to our cabal of sinister judges, will get
the books.
http://b3ta.com/board/10719652
Or, alternatively, buy the book on Amazon.
Less than a tenner and more thought-provoking
than spending yet another evening poking
social media.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/057123460...
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Too many things to mention. No really.
>> Masterchef Professionals innuendo <<
"I finished a new Masterchef: The Professionals
filth vid at 4am this morning (as it was the
Masterchef Final last night and I don't
sleep)," confesses Cope&Dalton's Henry. "If you
want it, it couldn't be hotter off the
presses!" Oh, we want it alright.
http://bit.ly/yMNkji
>> Giant Toffee Crisp <<
"A while back I made a giant KitKat Chunky,"
reminds corruptia. "The sugar high wore off, so
I made this giant Toffee Crisp. Enjoy!" A
perfect slice of nerdy cookery - we even loved
the music.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Giant_Toffee_Crisp
>> Decided to become a Reply Girl <<
"Reply Girls are cleavagically gifted young
ladies who find popular videos on Youtube and
post reply videos to them saying nothing in
particular, but focus on their boobs," reports
Cap'n. "I thought this was a brilliant idea,
and as an attractive, sexually comfortable
young woman I decided to make a couple."
http://bit.ly/xIIkuX
>> Stuart Ashen gets advertising gig <<
Ashen's rise to the top has been extremely
exciting for us B3ta overlords, we feel like
proud pigeons seeing their young fly for the
first time, swooping majestically over the
landscape rather than plummeting to their
death. Ashen has produced a really quite
unusual advert too, which deserves your
attention. Firstly you need to watch the set-up
which is unobtrusively placed in one of his
normal videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch#t=423s
Then watch the payoff. Oh my fucking God.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Draw the Shitler <<
Self-explanatory printed toilet paper, invented
by liathan and now for sale. "I could use your
help," he pleads, "It's really funny, it's my
idea and I printed 1000 rolls in China. And now
my room is overcrowded!"
http://www.drawtheshitler.com
>> Trolling bigoted protesters in Adelaide <<
"Like all great cities, Adelaide has her very
own bunch of local bigots. Every Friday a group
of 15 oh-so-Christian twats meet in a place
called Rundle Mall to shout out "Slut!" or
"Fag!" at passersby and generally spoil
everyone's day," explains Sanderson Jones who,
like all comedians, is touring Australia right
now. "I decided it would be fun to wind them up
a bit."
http://youtu.be/iaz2rxmcWyg
>> An Open Letter to 1998 <<
"With apologies to John Cooper Clarke," adds
Bela Lugosi's Dad with a series of dour,
northern warnings to the era of Seinfeld, Pope
John Paul II and the 333MHz Pentium chip.
http://bit.ly/wEhRlg
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINKY WOO
Recursive todo lists
Do you know the three Rs? That's recursion,
recursion, recursion. The difference between
Pendactive and just any todo list is that it
allows infinite nesting for tasks. Imagine
that. No more lists falling apart because you
get three levels deep and the software just
can't cope. Genius on a stick.
http://www.pendactive.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lies that went on too long
We asked for the little lies you had to keep
going a lot longer than you wanted:
http://b3ta.com/questions/liesthatwentontoolong/
* TWENTY YEAR LIE - "Last year of university,
five blokes trying to find jobs. Bob had a
good opportunity with a bank, his absolute
dream job. Now Bob professed to taking massive
drugs. The night before his interview as he
was giving us his drugs stories, Mike produced
a small pink pill, saying he didn't know what
it was, but it was reputedly strong stuff. Bob
necked it and for the rest of the evening said
he was a little light-headed but nothing odd.
Next day Bob returned with a tale of woe: told
there was a drugs test, Bob had run out of the
offices. Bye-bye nice job. Mike felt awful.
He'd told the rest of us that it was a child's
sore-throat tablet, but now Bob had messed up
the offer of a good job and Mike couldn't bear
to tell Bob the truth. We eventually found jobs,
girls, then marriage, kids. Except Bob: he
drifted in and out of temporary jobs, travelling
to Eastern Europe, Asia and then Australia,
where he moved in with a girl and took a job
which was nothing special, but allowed him to
live. All this time Mike was convinced he'd caused
this by his lie. Ten years on when we all met up,
Mike couldn't hold it back any longer: he was so
sorry, he felt awful. "That's all right mate.
Still, I wonder what might have been, eh..."
Mike left soon after. As soon as he was gone Bob
burst out laughing. He'd realised the pill was
nothing. In reality he'd had a change of heart.
He'd had a great time travelling the world, and
he couldn't be happier. That was 10 years ago.
Bob still hasn't told Mike. The twenty-year lie,
still going."
(Smale)
* YESH - "Walked into a quiet pub and for some
inexplicable reason, I ordered a pint in a
Scottish accent. It just came out. I think I'd
been thinking in Sean Connery's voice (which I
heartily recommend to add a bit of character to
your own internal monologues) Got chatting to
the barman while waiting for my friend to turn
up. Still in Scottish accent. When he turned up,
I explained what was going on, and continued
sitting at the bar and speaking in a Scottish
accent all night. Got easier and more natural
as I drank more, strangely."
(SnowyTheRabbit )
* HEARD IT ALL BEFORE - "God made me pregnant,
Joseph, I swear".
(TheManWithThePlan)
>> This Week - Training Courses <<
Have you been trained? Did it make much
difference? Or did you merely learn how to
drink a lot in a hotel? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trainingcourses/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Rock'n'roll tedium <<
Imagine spending a few seconds with the gods of
our age. You'd write about it too, even if it
was a bit dull.
http://rockandrolltedium.tumblr.com/
>> Classic nudes, improved <<
Famous paintings of naked ladies get magazine
photoshop treatment. To be fair, there was a
time when the standard for beauty was 'looks
like she can afford to eat food'.
http://bit.ly/zYzG37
>> Cholafied <<
Mystifying tumblr of celebrities made over as
latina gangstas. The Hoff is the best - but
then when is he not the best?
http://bit.ly/wXnTfg
>> Michael Jackson sightings <<
Is Jacko really dead? Or did he fake it, to
escape from the grind of fame - but is sending
coded messages back to his fans? Draw your own
conclusions from this entertaining collection
of 'sightings'. Spoiler: He is dead.
http://www.michaeljacksonsightings.com/
>> Jazz Nazis <<
Stringent set of musical rules laid out by the
Nazi Party on what is and isn't permissible for
musicians. BTW: It's worth looking up some
stuff on Berlin's 1930s jazz scene - those guys
were fighting the Nazis before it was cool.
What a bunch of hipsters.
http://bit.ly/xKLcLm
>> Autoplay internet sounds <<
There's nothing we used to enjoy more than
opening a website and having it abruptly
serenade us with some crappy tune. Relive those
heady days of late 90s web design, with this
collection of sites with soundtracks.
http://soundsoftheinternet.com/
>> Chain pub piss-dungeon <<
One of those tales of sexual depravity that you
swear must be an urban myth but - look - there
are photos of the scene, plus the guy who found
it is my wife's sister's boyfriend's cousin.
http://bit.ly/z4xWyu
>> Least helpful reviews <<
Big lols from a liberal dollop of those
one-star Amazon reviews written by young
children or "morans". Eg. Animal Farm - one
star - "unrealistic because the animals talk".
http://leasthelpful.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW FRIDAY
Suicide has been staved off another week with
small bits of misanthropic humour from the
imaginary season of Friends 11. Best bit? The
cast photo with Jennifer Aniston replaced with
Iggy Pop. (A comparison that George Clooney's
g/f Elisabetta Canalis made famous in 2010;
how bitchy!)
https://twitter.com/FriendsSeason11
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a VHS but with no tapes. AMAZING!
>> Michael Bolton meets the Lonely Island <<
Peacocking for the ladies sabotaged by
colossal, insurmountable nerdiness.
http://tinyurl.com/3ep5og3
>> 21st century's first great protest song <<
"My first thought on seeing Ill Manors was 'my
wife will want to blog this,'" scribbles Ginger
Fuhrer Rob. Raging rapper disturbingly framed
against the flames of last year's riots.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Interviewed by your past self <<
In 2002, two friends made a pact to meet up in
ten years' time and complete the interviews
they recorded for their future selves. This is
that year. Now they're raising the cash to make
a professional job of it.
http://beta.indiegogo.com/decades
>> The Gravity Stool <<
Add iron powder to a plastic resin and apply
super-strong magnets and you get furniture
extruded by science. "I so want one of these,"
wheedles Chthonic, in a vague attempt to get
someone to buy him one.
http://vimeo.com/34773498
>> Milligan's '70s race-based sitcom <<
Sadly, only one episode of The Melting Pot
(1975) was ever broadcast, but here's a brief
taster of Spike Milligan's lost, black-face
masterpiece.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> iPad ukulele <<
Hipsters! Throw away those tiresome, authentic
wooden instruments - now you can carry out even
more of your daily routine without ever having
to relinquish grasp on your precious, precious
iPad.
http://t.co/0SdFDGA3
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny with an invisible 'un'
* DOC DOC DOC DOC DOCTOR KUHNT - The Coast Of
Yemen writes, "Is the Funny Name Corner still
considered funny? A friend of mine had the
pleasure of dealing with this amusingly-named
lecturer whilst studying in Germany."
http://www.statistik.tu-dortmund.de/kuhnt.html
* RANDY BAUMGARDNER, COLORADO LEGISLATOR - as
Wikipedia states, "He is possibly more well
known as the recipient of the American Academy
for Humorous and Unfortunate Names (AAHUN)
award for 'Most Unfortunate Name in a Political
Profession' for 2008, 2009 and 2010. He lost
the title in 2011 to New York Representative
Andrew Weiner."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Randy_Baumgardner
* MINGE - WillF writes, "I suspect that only
Anglophiles such as myself noticed this story
in my local paper, and I immediately thought
of the newsletter's funny name corner. Here
you go."
http://bit.ly/AsGkKg
-------------------------------------------------
: ON THE B3TA RECORD PLAYER
Give these a spin, plop pickers
* SYMPHONY OF SCIENCE IS A MUSICAL PROJECT OF
JOHN D BOSWELL - you've probably heard the Carl
Sagan one but this week we learned that there's
a whole album to buy. It's lovely. And you can
name your price - or even get it free.
http://symphonyofscience.com/
* NEW KUNT ALBUM, SLOPPY SECONDS - Kunt writes,
"The story behind one of the tracks 'You
brought a paedo along to 5-a-side' - it's a
real life story about this bloke who came to
our Monday night indoor footy who got
convicted of being an online nonce. He used
the offer of free furniture on Habbo Hotel to
lure them in - I suppose that's the modern day
equivalent of puppies in his boot. Actually
re-reading it there's not much funny about it.
It's quite harsh. But the song is nice and
jaunty."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007I7OOZ...
BTW: Kunt is doing a gig at Fiddlers Elbow,
North London, Friday week (March 23). Seeing
as this is literally a 15-minute walk from
B3ta HQ, we'll be there. Maybe you will too?
http://kunt2012.eventbrite.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Meta-Gerbils
Vampyre_gem writes, "For your 'things that
make you go ahhh' section. We're a little
obsessed with pets, 10 gerbils, cat, dog and
fish and no signs of slowing down really. But
it turned out one of the boy gerbs was a girly
gerb and ended up getting knocked up. She had
6 pups, one of whom died. 4 are doing well and
growing and the other is called 'Tripod' as he
one has 3 paws and is tiny compared to the
rest. Anyway, took this picture of him,
thought the rest of the world would like to
see. Hope he pulls through!"
Hmm. Vampyre_gem didn't give us a link and it
vaguely amuses us to have all that build up
them FLUMP! No link. So use your imagination
to think up some disabled gerbils. Yay, how cute.
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hedgehogs Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate hedgehogs
Your favourites included:
* ATTACK: terrifying confrontation with
prickly foe (maiden)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10716838
* ITCH: awww! look at the distressed
little hog, all riddled with disease!
(E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10713603
* DARWIN: startling flora/fauna
interface action (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10712394
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hedgehogs/
>> New challenge: Beasts Of War <<
Dogs, horses and pigeons are all well
known for being used in wars to patrol
borders, carry soldiers and pass on
messages. Show us the lesser known
animals that have been put to use in the
art of war. Challenge suggested by
ferret
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/warbeasts/
-------------------------------------------------
: A WARNING FROM HISTORY
The Radar chap, Sir Robert Watson-Watt
Brilliantly the inventor of RADAR was caught
speeding in his car by a radar gun and wrote
an ironic poem about it:
"Pity Sir Robert Watson-Watt,
strange target of this radar plot
And thus, with others I can mention,
the victim of his own invention.
His magical all-seeing eye
enabled cloud-bound planes to fly
but now by some ironic twist
it spots the speeding motorist
and bites, no doubt with legal wit,
the hand that once created it."
We mention this not simply as whimsy but that
it's an eternal story - you make your idea
real with the best of intentions but you
have no control of how it'll be used by
authority. A story that parallels this is this
week's complaint from influential programmer
and blogger Andy Baio, who talks "How Yahoo
Weaponized My Work."
http://bit.ly/yQavXt
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SOME THOUGHTS ON CYBER-UTOPIANISM - Official
B3ta wife writes about Adam Curtis,
Cyber-utopianism & Education 2.0. Not
something we'd normally run but we think
there's a subset of B3tans who'll enjoy this.
You big bunch of (lovely) Cyber-utopians in
decaying fractal T-shirts and listening to The
Future Sound of London.
http://bit.ly/A8WU5w
* THE TASTE OF FEMALE MUSCLE - Kung_Fu_russ
writes, "Do male and female chickens taste
different? Fuck knows, but I can tell you that
Mussels taste different depending on their
sex. When you buy mussels, you'll notice that
some of them are clearly more orange coloured,
and much sweeter tasting. They're the female
ones. So, just to clarify, Lady-clams are
tastier than man-mussels."
* YOUR RIGHT TO PARODY RUMBLES ON - Video
artist Swede Mason (of 'Masterchef
Synaesthesia' fame) tells ORGZine why he needs
the right to parody.
http://bit.ly/xG5MRl
* PSYCHOTIC EMAIL OF THE WEEK - really don't
know what they are referring to. Dissuper
writes, "You can take your fu(&Y(*^&^ games
off any new computers. I have been playing
your stupid games for 2 weeks and have not won
once. This is bull shit. I guess you delight
in pissing people off. Well I will delete all
of your dam games and use my own, at least I
have more fun, where I can win. You can stuff
your games up your ass. You ought to be tarred
and feathered and ran out of town."
* IN DEFENCE OF QR CODES PART TWO - krang
writes, "My new bicycle has a QR code next to
the serial number. Rather than having to jot
it down, I just scanned the code with my phone
and emailed it to myself. This clever
implementation of technology saved me a total
of about four seconds."
* PISSING ON YOUR CAR REDUX - several years
ago your Ginger Fuhrer wrote a track about
peeing on a car. Googling for it finds this
epic and disturbing remix from a mysterious
person on the YouTube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* ON THAT BANKSY VIDEO LAST WEEK - apparently
he didn't actually write the text. The chap
who did amusingly describes himself as "a
beautiful flower angel sent from heaven to
inspire Banksy."
http://bit.ly/ywg9UB
* READERS' SHEDS: CALL FOR SHEDS - @unclewilco
writes, "Entries now open for Shed of the Year."
http://www.readersheds.co.uk
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* SHOUT LIKE BRIAN BLESSED DAY - October 9th
would be a good day as that's his birthday.
Can someone organise it please?
* BANK CARD READER HACKS - we worked out that the
LloydsTSB PinSentry has a graphic resolution
of 60x14 - should be enough to play Snake.
Someone should hack it.
* SONGS WRITTEN FOR V/O FUN - write a song
about being a lonely and poor V/O artist. Send
the lyrics to one of those crowdsourced V/O sites
to be read out. Mix into a song using some pitchy
shifty stuff.
http://voicebunny.com/
* SCOTCH EGGS - delicious eggs pickled in
scotch. Yum.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
: THREE THINGS WE'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK
Learn from us, wise grey-bearded B3tans
* If TV reflected real life, East Enders would
just be couples using separate laptops and
occasionally muttering. "What did you say?"
"Nothing"
* Twitter is a conspiracy to record our stupid
comments so that if we ever gain power we can
be hung by our own words
* Flicking Vs and waving a potato peeler is a
particularly ineffectual way of getting the
neighbours cat to go away
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSOR B£TA
We're the Goldman Sachs of Internet newsletters
The best way for you to support B3ta is to
tell your friends about it. Tell them to read
the B3ta newsletter. Simple. Also you could
consider buying advertising with us.
Especially if you're sitting on a bit of
marketing budget and nobody will really miss
it if you bung a few quid our way. We wish to
export our version of economic liberalism to
rival Internet newsletters but we can't afford
the guns.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: DARTH VADER T-SHIRTS
Clever winners announced
Last week we asked you to complete the
sentence , "If I met George Lucas I'd like
to...." Your 5 bestest replies were:
* "Ask him if he can survive the winter, using
only the food he has stored in his neck pouch"
(masamoony)
* "Wobble his fucking goitre going 'graaaah'
like Chewbacca" (drbroon)
* "Blow a raspberry on his hairy belly,
glistening with sweat." (Windy Pig)
* "Take him to a strip club and convince him
to drunkenly fuck one of the strippers. Then
I'd blackmail him. With the money I'd buy a
T-shirt. And Wales." (Noctu)
* "Tell him I think Little Britain is shit and
he should go back to doing Shooting Stars." (2
Can Chunder)
If you didn't win then you can buy a Darth
Vader shirt at Truffle Shuffle.
http://bit.ly/rWMefg
-------------------------------------------------
Friends : [email protected]
Haters : [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Matt_Muir,
Matt Round, uke, @shenannegins,
nickbeddows2002, sinisterduck, @whoojemaflip,
Rosie Leland, @pieceoplastic, Dougald Lamont,
@dotmund, @codepo8 Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top Tip by
Lord Darkheart The Destroyer.
QOTW minion ScaryDuck has a book out, "Samuel
Pepys: Lust for Glory", and the Kindle edition
only costs £2.56. You should buy it:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007K8VOW...
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Save money on McCain Baked Potatoes by buying
a potato and baking it.
