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# IT'S A B3TA NEWSLETTER COMPETITION - CAPITAL by JOHN LANCHESTER - 5 SIGNED copies to be won
Simply answer this question in 50 words or less, 'What will your life be like in 2021?' Best answers, according to our cabal of sinister judges, will get the books.



It's actually a really great - they sent me through a copy and I read it. Then I raved about it and my wife read it. All about a street in London just after the financial collapse of 2008.

If you don't want to win a copy you can buy it directly here on Amazon.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:47, archived)
# Cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes,
cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes, cornflakes.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:47, archived)
# I don't think you're trying any more
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:54, archived)
# What?
Have I missed one out?
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:58, archived)
# I dunno, just seems to lack the passion and drive it once had
the creative nuances and subtle wordplays are now notable on their absence and the ending is weaker than I'd expect.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:02, archived)
# You just wait 'til he's giving away a years supply of cornflakes,
it'll be a shoe-in.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:04, archived)
# Dull as death.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:48, archived)
# cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock,
possibly.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:49, archived)
# that's nearly half eight, so much the same
lololoooooololl...lol

:/
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# futile
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:51, archived)
# I'll have hair in REALLY weird places
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:52, archived)
# In 2021
I will have perfected the art of replying pithily to internet competitions. And I'll have a signed copy of Capital next to my copy of The Debt to Pleasure.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:52, archived)
# I will be posting shitty pictures on b3ta and wondering what the fuck I have done with my life
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:54, archived)
# I will be malnourished and tortured beyond reason
in a darkened basement somewhere in Japan.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:55, archived)
# rueing the day you pushed Moggy too far
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:05, archived)
#
in a darkened basement the back of a lorry

somewhere in Japan Cirencester
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:12, archived)
# In 2021
I'll still be reading books printed on paper. Phew!
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:58, archived)
# Life in 2021 for me will be using this book as a really decent door stop
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:58, archived)
# Over
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 13:59, archived)
# Like 1830
But with a narrower demographic
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:05, archived)
# In 2021
I'll still be trying to work out one of Moggy's replies. And wondering why I care.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:14, archived)
# If you
have a good time meet with Bourbon Biscuit at the next bash, you will care.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:39, archived)
# "What will your life be like in 2021?"
It will consist, at least in part, of whimsically trawling through internet archives to find a historical record of this posting to see if I was right.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:19, archived)
# Rob will be internet billionaire cunt by then and will have deleted you
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:44, archived)
# My life in 2021 will consist mostly of me going:
"Fuck, I wish it was 2012 again."
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:21, archived)
# Living in an orgodome under Neasden.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:29, archived)
# I still will not have got rid of my kids
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:34, archived)
# Try smothering
Or a pinch of arsenic in the cornflakes every day.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:36, archived)
# I could but middle kid needs a stake to the heart
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:40, archived)
# Read it
it's pretty good. Not as good as 'The Debt to Pleasure'.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:54, archived)
# Fighting
people dressed like Sigue Sique Sputnik for petrol. Actually, no, I'll be too old. Knitting a chain-mail dress for Tina Turner.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 14:57, archived)
# In 2021 I would have celebrated my 46th birthday.
It is not a particularly memorable one - not like the big four-oh or twenty one, but it is one I would have liked to have experienced, because another birthday is always better than the alternative.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:01, archived)
# I actually want to win this, but am too pathetic to write anything witty.
This suggests to me precisely how I will be in 2021, scrabbling by on whatever Cameron has left behind in the way of social security.
(, Mon 19 Mar 2012, 11:32, archived)
#
If i can describe my life at any stage, regardless of year, in less than fifty words, then I hope beyond hope that I am only one word.

Dead.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:05, archived)
# .
是一个内容自由、任何人都能参与、并有多种语言的百科全书协作计划。我们的目标是建立一个完整、准确和中立的百科全书
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:06, archived)
#
Is a content free, anyone can participate, and multilingual encyclopedia cooperative program. Our goal is to create a complete, accurate and neutral encyclopedia
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:17, archived)
# Yes, well,
that's what they'll tell us.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:18, archived)
# A bit like now...
...only shitter. And we'll all be sitting on our robotic hands so it feels like you're being wanked off by Metal Mickey.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:10, archived)
# My life in 2012
will mainly consist of making things go on fire
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:13, archived)
# In 2021 I’ll still be getting pointlessly worked up by people’s cavalier, devil-may-care usage of ‘less’ and ‘fewer’.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:31, archived)
# In 2021
I'll be old enough to claim my free bus pass but there won't be any buses left because they keep cutting the routes down. I'll be lonely because I taught my kids to be independent (unlike I was) and consequently I hardly see them now. I need more than 50 words.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 16:06, archived)
# I'll still be trying to flog a book that'll never be as good as this one :(
And will have sunk into a deep well of despair, gin and hopelessness. Oh yes, and everyone I love will have left me because writing is a very lonely, anti-social occupation. Meanwhile in Surrey, Mr Lanchester will be swimming in his champagne-filled pool and sexing pretty ladies.

See, I can't even stick to word limits.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 16:12, archived)
# In 2021 I'll have been waiting for my flying car as promised by Tomorrow's World for 21 years.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 16:31, archived)
# 2021
I will be groaning in effort as I carry out simple tasks like sitting down and standing as my relatively lithe 20 something frame becomes a mid 30s corpulent flab bucket.

Or possibly by then we'll have robots to do the sitting and standing for us and I'll just be a massive brain strapped into a hover bike.

Or more likely is that everything will be like now put more polluted, poorer for nearly all, richer for a few but with the comfort of quicker internet connections. That's probably what the book says right?
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 18:48, archived)
# Future denied
In 2021 I will be 67 years old and still working, assuming I can find work for a dinosaur of a coder. Retirement will not be an option because I won't have a pension and I may still be paying off my student loan (assuming I still meet the earnings threshold).

Thinking about this question made me realise that I will only have managed to do about half the things I wanted to do with my life.

The future is a vast yawning chasm of gloom whose slavering maw will eat us all and chew us slowly for the pleasure of savouring our pain.

All in all not much different really - so best keep our chins up.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 19:42, archived)
# Thanks Hobbes
Solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 20:32, archived)
# Well I won't have to feed the gerbils anymore.
Or I'll be the proud/distinctly-bored-of-rodent-keeping-now owner of some Guiness World Record breaking 10 year old gerbils.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 21:30, archived)
# First, let me assure you that I am alive and well.
I've been living happily these past eight months in the year 2012. The lightning bolt that hit the DeLorean caused a gigawatt overload which scrambled the time circuits, activated the flux capacitor, and sent me back to 2012. The overload shorted out the time circuits and destroyed the flying circuits. Unfortunately, the car will never fly again.
(, Sat 17 Mar 2012, 0:17, archived)
# "What will your life be like in 2021?
"Imagine a boot stamping on a human face forever." Less freedom, more fear and more poverty. Population growth, dwindling resources and Media control telling us what to think. Eventually, suicide will be my only escape. Either that or riding my electric bike as my cyborg homehelp washes the dishes.
(, Sat 17 Mar 2012, 10:40, archived)
#
Dammit, it's 8.21pm. Bloody 24 hour clocks.
(, Sat 17 Mar 2012, 10:40, archived)
# Chutney replaces coins as currency.
Think about it.
(, Sat 17 Mar 2012, 11:26, archived)
# Just as bad...
...hopefully.
(, Sat 17 Mar 2012, 11:52, archived)
# I will be
Working for Weyland Corp in their cybernetics dept, putting the finishing touches to my synthetic pig spy-bot. Laughing at all those who ever told me that a pig shaped spy-bot was an impossible dream.
Or in a cardboard box under a road bridge.
(, Sat 17 Mar 2012, 19:22, archived)
# I imagine that I'll be wanking myself silly
in a virtual reality machine situated in the cupboard under the stairs.

Hopefully the graphics will have come on since Craig Charles' Cyberzone, as I'm not sure I like the idea of rutting with a cube.
(, Sun 18 Mar 2012, 11:40, archived)
# 2021. I have high hopes....
1. Jeremy Kyle will have his own TV channel named ITV1.
2. We won't shit - it will be teleported from our bowels. Shitting will still be an option for those who like a nice poo.
3. All shops will be like Argos where we pay and then have to queue.
4. Bathroom taps (or for our American cousins, *TAPS*) will be more confusing than ever.
5. The Olympics will involve everyone on the entire planet. It will have been replaced by internet connected Wii boxes.
6. Wild animals will have become domestic pets. They will have been bred to be under 1 foot tall. Crocodiles are already in this category.
7. We will not cook food. Simply plug a cable into the socket on the food container and it will heat itself.
8. Ironing will be out of fashion. Crumpled clothes will be (hopefully).
9. Nanites in our clothes will cleanse our skin. Bathing will only be for sexual gratification - this may already be happening.
10. The internet will be renamed to "Telly".
11. SD cards will have become so small that they are constantly lost leading to a slew of rubbish pictures all over the place that anyone can pick up using an "SD Magnet" on every public highway.
12. The Nintendo DS will be a face wrap-around device.
13. Oil will have replaced champagne as a posh drink.
14. Going on a cruise holiday will be a dangerous sport.
15. We will all insure our insurance.
16. Any foodstuff will optionally be made to taste of bacon.
17. Dyson will invent a vacuum cleaner based upon a cube design that all 'trendy' people will pay £500 for.
18. August riots will have their own bank-holiday and be colloquially known as "La Pamplona".
19. Virgin will have developed the Space Elevator using a carbon nanotube cable. It will be the most boring space travel ever.
20. Everything will have the ability to hover.
21. Only those who own a Dyson Cubeuum will be eligible to vote.
22. High-flying bankers will have become robots who just press buttons on a whim. Occasionally one will attempt to escape and run around spitting flaming junk bonds at random people.
23. The police will be totally taken over by jumped-up little shits with a degree in arsology.
24. The UK national dish will be bacon curry.
25. I won't have finished that ship I'm trying to build.
26. We will only email via spam.
27. Public advertisements will not exist. They will only be shown when we touch something. This will make them more targeted. Just think what'll happen when you get a bit rumpy with your partner.
28. Everything we buy will begin with an "i" but anything not made by Apple will be pronounced differently. "iPPad", for example. Or "iInglenook Fireplace".
29. Derren Brown will be the main religion but those who follow him won't know why.
30. We will have discovered why birds suddenly appear every time you are near.
31. Taking your girlfriend up the Oxo Tower in London will still be funny.
32. Red Bull will still not make anything.
33. That stone that I placed on a wall in St Pauls Cathedral when I was 9 (1978) will still be there.
34. PVRs will watch TV for you before it's broadcast, giving you prior notice of time to not watch TV.
35. The only way to pay for anything will be by Paypal.
36. Chocolate fireguards will be in use by everyone.
37. All politicians will be the same person.
38. Cars will have wheels the size of castors so as to reduce the friction and therefore make them be more efficient.
39. Cars will also have their void spaces filled with helium to make them weigh less.
40. Paving slabs will have serial numbers on them and whoever steps on them will choose that number and bet a penny. A national lottery will take place every 15 seconds.
41. The use of jigsaws will be limited to making jigsaws.
42. Tesco will be the only shop available (in an Argos stylee).
43. Emoticons will actually be a real face sent in a parcel.
44. Hats will be outlawed.
45. Licorice Allsorts will become part of state benefits.
46. A teeny weeny SD card will become everyones passport. That they will lose. The epitomy of economy of scale.
47. The economy will be run around the Euro-Fighter. Everyone will trade in war planes.
48. Airfix will start making full-size versions of everything. Brilliant!
49. Stones on paths will become a regimented size to match shoe tread leading to better traction while walking and therefore better for the economy.
50. The edges of the British Isles will be smoothed out so that water can pass by more efficently and give us a chance to use it for hydro-electricity.

/EDIT: Oh. 50 words? Bugger
(, Sun 18 Mar 2012, 13:12, archived)
# Like America
Not Nice America - open top cars and hot women in bikinis - but nasty America: Detroit after Motor City, where everything is for sale but nobody has any money for anything except fast food and guns. Only with added British drizzle, dogshit, snobbery and bad tempers.
(, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 14:00, archived)
# Life in 2021
We'll all have jetpacks to get around with, all our meals will be little pills - one will be roast beef flavour, another will be ice cream etc. All diseases will be cured and we will live till we are 250. Robots will do all our housework and we will live on the moon...

As fuck it, just gimme my Blue Peter badge.
(And this book, because I only listened to 3 of the days where it was Book at Bedtime on Radio 4 last week, and for a change it sounded quite good)
(, Tue 20 Mar 2012, 20:56, archived)
# I'll have finally finished cloning every single current Tory and Lib Dem MP 50 times each, but
with a subtle genetic defect in each clone, so each one of the selfish cunts can be condemned to slowly die 50 different preventable deaths in the ruins of the NHS.
(, Wed 21 Mar 2012, 7:25, archived)
# passed out on a park bench drenched in piss and Aldi's own whisky
...9 months unemployed, and counting...
(, Thu 22 Mar 2012, 11:56, archived)