NEWSLETTER: SELF-REGULATING SINCE 2001 AND WE HAVE TISSUES TO PROVE IT
This Week:
* LOCKERS - London-wide advent calendar
* PLANNING - Spoof signs
* TINY - Meal made from powders
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "11yrs of procrastination
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | distilled into one
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| handy newsletter"
B3ta email 557 - 30 Nov 2012
Go on an HTML adventure into cyberland:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue557
ACK : [email protected]
NAK : [email protected]
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: BUY SOME GREAT CHARGRILLED T SHIRTS
Buy 3 get 1 free deal (Sponsored links)
Stuck for present ideas this year? Your dad will
love a "I'm a grumpy old git" T Shirt. Your mum?
She'd die for "10 Reasons Why Men Are Lazy" T Shirt.
Go on - cause offense this Christmas
Buy everyone CharGrilled T shirts.
ALSO QUOTE B3TA10 for extra 10% off.
http://www.chargrilled.co.uk/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Buy our very reasonably priced
ads.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Advent calendar, Britishness and video games
>> Amazon Locker Advent calendar <<
"I'm doing a thing with Amazon Lockers, although
it might be a bit London-centric," confesses Tom
Scott. "Every day December 1st–24th, we'll
announce a code to get into an Amazon Locker in
London. First one there wins whatever's inside.
It might be something simple like a Christmas
decoration, a trinket, or some chocolate. But
sometimes, it'll be something big: a toy, good
books... or maybe even an iPod."
http://adventlocker.com
>> Professor Elemental - I'm British <<
"Hello there you lovely folks," chuffs Moog.
"I've done another video for Professor
Elemental. Perhaps you might like this new one
for the song, I'm British. Chin chin!"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Professor_Elemental_Im_B...
>> Wasted My Time Playing Video Games <<
"This video is from a few years ago," confesses
superpowerless. "But now it's in HD and
Widescreen with a new mix of the song."
Relentlessly inventive vid is definitely worth a
watch.
http://bit.ly/UfA7rn
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: THINK YOU KNOW GRAN TURISMO? THINK AGAIN
Download the book (sponsored link)
GTPEDIA is the ultimate, unauthorized
encyclopedia of every game in the GRAN TURISMO
series.
With over 375 pages of extensive car lists,
track lists, and highly detailed event
overviews, it is the single most comprehensive
and thorough GT resource ever compiled.
Packed with trivia, GTPEDIA will fascinate and
entertain even the most dedicated fans of the
series. If you think you know Gran Turismo,
think again!
http://www.gtplanet.net/gtpedia/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Internet Crazies
We wanted to know all about the crazy people
you've met through the internet. Go read the
poem sent to grandmasterfluffles by Archie "Mr
Poet" Moses:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internetcrazies/
* SHOWER - "Advertising for a housemate on
Gumtree resulted in one bloke who came around,
looked about the flat a bit and then asked if he
could try the shower. I thought, "fair enough,
it's an important part of your morning routine."
I stood by while he spent a full five minutes by
the bath, shower head in hand, messing with the
temperature, trying the different settings, etc.
with a look of real concentration on his face.
He emailed back the next day and said he might
be interested, but he wasn't sure. Could he come
back and have another look at the shower?"
(SnowyTheRabbit)
* PUMP - "After weaning her daughter, my
flat-mate decided to get rid of her electric
breast pump, so she put it up on Freecycle. She
was contacted by a man who asked many sensible,
intelligent questions about the machine - it was
clearly something he knew a lot about. Having
satisfied himself that it was the type he
wanted, he said he'd like to have it. "Will it
be yourself or your partner that will be
collecting it?" asked my flatmate. "Oh, it's not
for a partner, it's for me," he replied." (moon
monkey)
* COCK - "My studies of chatroulette have led me
to conclude that the average man on the street,
given anonymity, would by choice either flash
his cock or idly masturbate when meeting you for
the first time." (cumquat may)
>> This Week - NO SELF AWARENESS <<
This week we want your stories of people
blissfully unaware of their bad smells, bad
manners and foghorn voices. Tell all:
http://b3ta.com/questions/noselfawareness/
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: AMAZON TAT
Because Amazon knows trolling sells product
* PRODUCT ERRORS - Dear Amazon, a small
complaint. This is not a "luxurious christmas
pudding" but a photo of Ainsley Harriott on a
mug. Actually is there something vaguely racist
about calling Harriot a "luxurious christmas
pudding"? Perhaps how he'd be described on an
escort website.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B009633Q4...
* VIBRATOR AND DOG BASKET GIFT SET -
Inexplicably linked. Best review? "The vibrator
is great for keeping the wife out of my hair,
but she really resents having to sleep in a dog
bed."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007QGDKBW/...
* METHS - street drinkers still drink meths?
Seems a bit 70s to us, but the reviews are fun:
"From the moment you remove the cap you realise
you're in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky,
with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose.
Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no
little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and
satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with
friends in a park. Highly recommended."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B002ATI4V...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Fake planning notices <<
English humour at its finest, some Brightonian
is writing, printing and putting up these spoof
planning application notices.
http://bit.ly/SyA2iG
>> Convince yourself you're half-blind colour-wise <<
Colour-vision test that has you arrange squares
in order of hue. Harder than it might first
appear - you might be surprised at what you're
missing. (Cue 1,000 emails from nerds bragging
of a perfect score).
http://www.xrite.com/custom_page.aspx
>> Funny crafting fails <<
Home hobbyists try to recreate lovely craft
stuff they've seen online. We should point out
that loads of these pics are from craftfail.com
but boredpanda has chucked a lot of them onto a
more easily-linkable page.
http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-pinterest-fails/
>> Bad kids' jokes <<
Bloke who edits a site for kid-submitted jokes,
also blogs the ones that were slightly too
offensive for the main site. Surreal, schoolyard
naughtiness.
http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
>> Dan! Dan! Dan! <<
Alan Partridge on a loop. Cringe.
http://dandandan.net/
>> Semi-Automatic Gmail Assistant <<
A safekey-restricted Gmail responder that sends
"Go F*** Yourself!" messages as a response to
unwanted emails. Although there is a 1% chance
that SAGA will instead respond "That's a Great
idea, I'll get right on it!"
http://etsy.me/10aRu0m
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Apocalypse calendar, Magic, Gameshow & Monkeys
>> Clockalypse <<
As you may be aware, if everything works
according to schedule, the world will be ending
on December 21st. "It seemed pointless sending
out Christmas cards this year," points out Dave
Birss. "So instead we created the Clockalypse -
a countdown clock that gives people suggestions
to make the most of their remaining breaths. If
the Mayans were wrong, Happy Christmas to you.
If not, enjoy the short time you've got left."
http://clockalypse.com/
>> Mr. Magic's flying secrets <<
Mr. Magic blows the lid off the world of
big-time illusionists, then saws it in half,
then pulls an egg from its ear. Weareace shows
you how to achieve mind-bending special effects.
http://b3ta.com/links/896241
>> Cheeky Flippin Nice gameshow <<
"We grabbed two people from Kentish Town high
street and took them down to a basement," grunts
Pig Face Turnip. "Here's what happened."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheeky_Flippin_Nice_Game...
>> Very short monkey documentary <<
Not a film about short monkeys, but genuine
slice of fact-based interest about 19th Century
Russian scientists and cross-breeding with
chimps. "It's a video about monkeys," clarifies
BobbyDaveHead. "Monkeys are awesome."
http://b3ta.com/links/889999
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Flickbooks now have sound!
>> Extremely tiny meal <<
Almost like an unboxing video, here's a
demonstration of how to combine various powder
sachets and water into an extraordinary, edible
miniature of actual food.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Hot Chip FIFA video <<
"B3ta, did you see my new vid?" asks King of
Twitter Peter Serafinowicz, who has directed
another peculiar video for Hot Chip. Highly odd.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Africans donating radiators to Norway. <<
Charity song to encourage Africans to raise a
little heat for the less fortunate in Norway.
Obviously, it's more making a point about how
Africa is frequently depicted in charity appeals
and the media.
http://www.africafornorway.no/
>> Mom is a maniac on the drums <<
Woman baffles internet by overcoming the twin
handicaps of being both female and middle-aged
to play a musical instrument rather well. It is
funny, though, to see someone in a pink polo
shirt get quite so into Wipe Out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Best bits of cuntish editor <<
Supercut of horrific, yet marginally believable,
Hoxton new media twat Jonatton Yeah? from Nathan
Barley. We got lost in this and now feel an urge
to watch the whole series again wondering if
some of the jokes vaguely referenced b3ta? The
"Terrorists are gay" bit made us squirm at the
time anyway.
‏http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Still shit and we weep for publishing it
* ATTRACTIVE LADY WITH MASTURBATORY NAME -
Silencer writes, "Been sniggering over this
at work for half an hour. Clearly I need to get
out more. Still - for funny name corner -
Slovakian model, Ivana Vancova" The producers of
Bond should use her in their next movie -
slightly iffy publicity galore.
- http://www.supermodels.nl/ivanavancova
* DOG PENIS - imagine if you were born a dog
with an image of a penis on your back - spinning
eternally trying to hump yourself.
http://imgur.com/gallery/FxjNX
* BEST GYNECOLOGIST NAME EVER - we give you
Harry C Beaver.
https://www.google.com/search
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animal Tech Challenge
Last week we wanted you to add technology
to animals. Your favourites included:
* SHARK: including improved jet engine
action, albeit with decreased vision
(HumanDescent)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10886100
* MOUSE: household rodent goes space-age,
in space (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10885603
* SEAGULL: splatter bonanza as seaside
pest meets arcade classic (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10887329
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cyber-toothed-tigers...
>> New challenge: Real Life Movie Posters <<
Lights, camera, action! This week's
challenge is to re-create a famous movie
poster using a single, posed photograph.
Like this amazing example. Challenge
suggested by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/real-life-movie-post...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TEA THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU NEED TO WEE -
ben.broomfield writes, "It's the caffeine in tea
acting as a diuretic, making you want to open
the floodgates. I can suggest Redbush tea which
is caffeine-free. You can have with milk, and
doesn't taste like shit. However, if you've had
five cups, it just depends on how strong your
bladder is..."
* COMPLAINTS - davidnbashore writes, "Your
posting of 'Leaked White House tape' was the
most disrespectful, uncalled-for,
Republican-approved bullshit I've ever seen on
this site, and I've been a subscriber for years.
Well, now I'mm an unsubscriber. Fuck you limey
cunts. You're just jealous of our democracy." So
true. B3ta; Republican supporters and jealous of
America's democracy. Nailed us there.
* EBOOK COVERS - chazz writes, "The Kobo sets
its display to the last-read book cover when it
goes to sleep or turns off." Great idea - Kindle
should nick this pronto.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* UNFAIL ANTI-LOLS - compile a video of your
favourite "unfails". Riding a bike and not
falling off. Walking down road not tripping up
etc.
* WASHING-MACHINE TV CHANNEL - an alternative to
Cbeebies and just as entertaining for small
children. Or at least it entertains ours.
* THE DEATH OF ALL LIVING THINGS - we've just
done the winter clear on the garden: 13 black
bin-liners full of leaves and twigs. FFS nature!
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subs: [email protected]
Blubs: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by badgerlikespeed,
@tomirwin_tw, @martin_gleeson, Araucaria,
Martyn.hood, nospoon, Fork, omnitruncatedkraken,
Gruffi Savalas, @reubenturner, ‏@erocdrahs,
@dancall1, ‏@idrinktea, weegiegeek & i.caple.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Tip by sandettie light vessel
automatic. Subjlols via Pootle.
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TOP TIP:
Instead of spending good money on anti-ageing
creams and treatment, travel at the speed of
light for a bit. That way when you stop again,
everyone will have aged considerably more than
you will have and you can enjoy the admiring
gasps of your friends.
TOP TIP 2:
Need Christmas gift ideas, but no money? Convert
a lightbulb into an attracti... a quirky vase.
(Created by Dave Haxworth)
http://www.youtube.com/watch
