NEWSLETTER: IF YOU DO ONE THING THIS WEEK, SCROLL TO THE RUDE FOOD STORY
"If you do one thing this week, scroll to the rude food story"
This Week:
* MUSIC SEQUELS - Superb image challenge, yay!
* BEST DURAN DURAN ARTICLE EVER - Nerds rejoice!
* TWIX OF DOOM - Question of the week GOLD!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the wap
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ... together"
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B3ta email 657 - 27 March 2015
A permalink, do people still call them that?
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue657
Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS
It's not a swindle, stick them on your Kindle
* SO YOU'VE BEEN PUBLICLY SHAMED (JON RONSON) -
a timely read from Ronson largely about
Twitter hate mobs being rather toxic.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00NLFVN8...
* HATERZ (JAMES GOSS) - almost the flip-side to
Ronson's book, this is a fictional account of a
serial killer getting rid of all the people who
he hates on social media. We found some of the
targets worryingly close to home.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/178108301...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than the normal excellent photoshops
* MATING TORTOISES - THE TRANSLATION - Slurpy J
doing his normal (and good) trick of whacking
his own voice over on top of whatever video is
popular this week. It's a good shtick.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1288510
* SLIGHTLY BAFFLING B3TA PARODY - we've always
claimed that 'in-jokes are never frontpaged'
but, despite not really knowing the context of
this beyond seeing a few boarders shout
FUCKLIFT a bit, we found the whole thing rather
amusing.
http://www.fucklift.co.uk/
* CRAPLY AMUSING POLITICAL MOTION-TRACKING -
dooranran claims, "My first attempt with motion
tracking didn't go as well as I would've liked."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/PPB_Conservatives
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FOLLOW B3TA ON FACEBOOK
We've finally got round to adding a Facebook
page, and we're making a proper effort to make
the B3tan feed good and interesting by sticking
classic photoshops and breaking news on it.
It's good, you should like it.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
Food sex: 'Twix of Doom'
Each week we scour our archives for a
particularly fine story, this week? 'Twix of
Doom' from the question, 'Rude Food'.
My first girlfriend and I were together for
about two and a half years. A few weeks before
we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel
in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my
auntie's boss.
We had a nice time there, wandering around the
priory, eating toasted teacakes and crumpets in
a small tea shop, but a more deviant event was
on the horizon.
'Would you eat something out of me?' she asked
one evening. I confess I was rather bewildered
and wondered what she could mean: A banana?
Some chocolate? A pie?
I suggested these things and she decided
that a Twix would be a good idea.
The next morning we walked to the local Spar
shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed her
to choose her Twix.
As the chocolate was slightly soft I suggested
that we should maybe put it into the freezer
for a while so that it wouldn't melt in a flash
(amongst other things) and she agreed.
'I'm ready,' she said late that evening. She
went upstairs before me while I retrieved the
Twix from the freezer, following in her
footsteps moments later. When I reached the
bedroom she had already undressed and was lying
on the bed, her legs apart.
For a moment I wondered how I was going to do
this: do I actually remove it from the wrapper
or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put one
finger in or both of them? I didn't want to ask
as I felt this would just make her nervous and
would hardly instil confidence in the poor girl
as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be
penetrated by a chocolate bar.
I decided to insert a single finger and opened
the wrapper, suddenly noticing that the
chocolate was covered in a slightly grey sheen
of condensation having been in the freezer all
day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my
thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I
tested it.
'This is going to be cold,' I warned before
introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid
inside and I left about an inch of it sticking
out. For a moment I looked at the rather
ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me,
before bending down and biting off about half of
the exposed finger of Twix.
Without warning the whole thing vanished inside
her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,
wondering what I should do.
I didn't think it would be The Done Thing to
prise apart her labia like a mechanic lifting a
bonnet before rummaging around inside, so I
just lay there, staring, wanting to cry for a
moment.
And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze
from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin
the sheets – which, after all, were not ours –
I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught
the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my
hand quickly filled and I was then forced to
consider what I was going to do with a hand
full of rather hot melted Twix as I could
hardly say 'just crimp yourself off, love – I
need to go and wash my hand,' so screwing my
eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my
other one was slowly filling.
Then, just as I thought it couldn't get any
worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely,
eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and
caramel, like an albino penis.
I pulled it out and, hands full of chocolate,
quickly ate it while I awaited for her sugary
genital deluge to stop.
I don't think I've eaten a Twix since.
(nasalhair)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/foodsex/post497151
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* FOR OUR 48 READERS WHO LIKE DURAN DURAN -
this is an absolute treat, a long-form article
discussing both the Arcadia and Power Station
splinter projects. This is the niche, deep and
fascinating journalism that we want to read.
Excellent work from Simon Price, and we really
hope he expands it into a book.
http://goo.gl/aYKBg2
* DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SHOCK-SITE KILLER? We
were casually wikipediaing about the internet
of the past, where people shared awful stuff.
Wound up stumbling into this rabbit warren of a
story about about Luka Magnotta who killed his
roommate and uploaded the footage to a shock
site.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luka_Magnotta
* THE CONNOISSEUR OF GIFS - magical, odd GIFs
with some bloke standing in front of them. We
don't know; it's what the kids like these days.
Maybe.
http://thegifconnoisseur.tumblr.com/
* MEERKATROULETTE - media twerps have been
excited recently with both Meerkat and
Periscope, competing technologies that allow
you to live broadcast video from your phone.
This site shows you random feeds.
http://meerkatroulette.com/
* LIFE IN THE US INFANTRY - long, depressing
reddit post from a foot soldier in the American
Army.
"You grew up wanting so bad to be Luke
Skywalker, but you realize that you were
basically a Stormtrooper, a faceless, nameless
rifleman, carrying a spear for empire."
http://goo.gl/Ut1i1f
* SONIC PI - here's something to download and
install for music and programming geeks - we've
lost a good few evenings to this brilliant way
of using code to create music. Available for
OSX, Windows & Raspberry Pi.
http://sonic-pi.net/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the 'Music Sequels' challenge
Last week we asked to give the movie sequel
treatment to songs and albums.
Your favourites included:
* Wish 2: Hot stuff from the Floyd
(Akinkawan)
http://b3ta.com/board/11141298
* Crossing: Back from the shops off
Abbey Road (Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11140859
* Topicalol: Bonnie Tyler couldn’t
predict the weather (Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/11141122
All these images, and a load more can be
found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musicsequels/
>> New challenge: XFiles <<
The X-Files is coming back so we’re having a
week of Mulder, Scully, the paranormal and
nutjob conspiracy theories.
How will the show fit in to our technological
age? Will Deep Throat contact them via the Dark
Net and will GoPro cameras finally put an end
to grainy alien footage?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/xfiles/
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FOLLOW @B3TA ON TWITTER
Seeing as we did the big sell for b3ta's Facebook
account earlier, it would be rude not to mention
our Twitter account.
Mostly we use it for posting the front page
images on the site and also links to this very
newsletter.
https://twitter.com/b3ta
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like Vimeo but owned by Google instead
* TOP GEAR - It's only the last episode where
Jeremy Clarkson confesses all - - created by
the genius that is Jon Harvey.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* TUG OF 'OAR' ANYONE? - Clever idea for a new
competitive sport.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* GHOSTBUSTERS! Now without music to create a
work of sinister genius.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ghostbusters_without_the... …
* "SPANG!" - that's the noise you might make on
seeing this.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/spang:8
* NOTIFICATION TROLLING - We would do this so
much, if we had the skills.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Notification_Trolling
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Chocolate gone very wrong
"Opened this, thought of b3ta," observes mike
woz ere. Lucky fella.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Opened_this_Thought_of_b...
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: OLD B3TONIANS
News from the b3ta alumni
* Old B3tonian @mikeisbrill writes well
about Tinder:
http://goo.gl/BybEs8
* Cassetteboy uses The Guardian to criticise
the Lib Dems' lamentable mash-up skills:
http://goo.gl/Yqh39A
"We thought we'd better show Nick Clegg how
it's done, so we've made a new political rap,"
adds Cassetteboy Mike.
https://youtu.be/vbLGG5UGEKw
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Conan (1982): [email protected]
Conan (2011): [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Cragget,
MaxineBasset, smaggers and tits.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Tip by robneymcplum.
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Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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TOP TIP:
Enjoy a perfect solar eclipse by closing your
fridge door really slowly.
