NEWSLETTER: "YES WE CAN'T QUITE BELIEVE IT EITHER BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A B3TA NEWSLETTER"
"Yes we can't quite believe it either but it's actually a B3ta newsletter"
This Week:
* YES WE'RE BACK! Hello again!
* VID - The Potato House returns
* GAME - Shunty Train
* READ - Sgt Pepper cover art fully explained
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're still alive and
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | have vague thoughts
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| about the internet"
B3ta email 671 - 05 May 2017
Read this issue in your pants:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue671
Friend b3ta on Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: YES, WE'RE BACK
Your Ginger Fuhrer writes, "Thought I'd bash out
a newsletter for a couple of reasons
1. Noticed there was a few B3ta projects I
really liked and I felt guilty I wasn't telling
people about them
2. Wondered if there's any interest in us doing
this? Every fucker is writing newsletters these
days and we used to have a popular one and people
still ask us about it.
So here we are. A newsletter in a format that
was deliberately retro in 2001, publishing an
extra issue in 2017. Still in text. Still
without any modern stuff like bold text or
inline images.
Not promising this every week but hey, once
can't hurt [insert innuendo here Dave].
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making suspicious jam
>> PROJECT: Sgt Pepper Source Images <<
CCC writes, "I've been working on for
a while on locating the source images for the cut-
outs used on the cover of The Beatles' Sgt
Pepper (plus some Beatle-related background
info)." You might remember CCC from being the
Monkey Man of Tunbridge Wells - look that one up in
the archives.
https://sgtpepperphotos.wordpress.com/
>> VIDEO: Potato House <<
Sheep! writes, "The next iteration of my potato
light switch. Chips coming out of the plug
socket is especially useful when I'm too tired
to make dinner." This short video is doing /
has done well on social media (depending on
when you're reading this). Well done Sheep!
http://b3ta.com/links/1436142
>> GAME: Shunty Train <<
Spacefish writes, "It's a puzzle game where you
have to shunt carriages into the right order.
It's got pixels, you will like it. This was
made by MGT, Newington and a couple of other
b3ta folk; I just kind of egged them on and did
some passive aggressive code editing."
http://glastonbridge.com/games/shunty
>> SECOND GAME: The Great Yodel Parcel Hunt <<
Monkeon writes, "Where's Wally, but with Yodel
Safe Places." Yes! We've missed Monkeon's games
- may he make many more.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/parcelhunt/
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: GENERAL ELECTION IMAGE CHALLENGE
Keeping this open for the next few weeks
Of course we need to do an image challenge around
the election. It would be rude not to. Make sure
you join in, this stuff is the makings of
HISTORY.
The best entries so far are LIT AF - sorry we
mean woo and yay.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/elections/popular/
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: REMEMBERING NOSTALGIA
Hey Hey 16k
@gasmanic writes:
"As of today, Hey Hey 16K by Mark Hibbett is now
as old as the ZX Spectrum was when Hey Hey 16K
was released."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
Your Ginger Fuhrer reminisces, "Wow. Watched
the video for first time in probably 10 years.
The terrible bit of clipart I used for the
family - the lump of the song I cut out because
I wanted it to be nippier (sorry), the crap
Frankie t-shirt I photoshopped in as a sop to
the 80s. Shame the edges show in that YouTube
version - they were cropped in the flash version
by HTML - buggers up the framing somewhat. But
mostly your great song!"
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: 11 THINGS THE NEW LIAM GALLAGHER LP SOUNDS LIKE
According to randoms on Twitter
Loved that the NME posed the question "What will
the new Liam Gallagher album sound like?" and
everyone took the absolute piss in the replies.
* An angry northern man having a very long
argument in a car park
* Like your second uncle who can't let go of the
90s and stinks of Stella Artois wanking over his
reflection on the mirror
* Like Ken Livingstone shouting "Hitler!" in a
disabled toilet?
* Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from
the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living
together – mass hysteria
* Like a massive arsehole trying to sound like
the Beatles?
* Hard Brexit
* Pick any albums by Ringo Starr or Bill Wyman,
get drunk, then splice them together
* A guide dog being mown down by a sputtering
tractor
* Like Ian Brown shat himself and started crying
in Argos
* Like Professor Stephen Hawking getting beheaded
* Like that time my cutlery drawer fell out and
landed on the ca
And in other Liam Gallagher news, the man
himself has taken to Twitter to reignite the
Brit-pop wars, "That gobshite out of blur might
have turned noel Gallagher into a massive girl
but believe you me nxt time i see him there's
gonna be war."
Liam. You're 44 years old. Grow up.
(These newsletter writers are 43. Yes, we know)
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Go and buy some shit on Amazon and we'll get
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Er... but what? We actually do recommend the
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you. What doesn't these days, eh? We've also
amused ourselves developing apps to make it
swear, but haven't got round to publishing
those.
Buy one. Really. Make us happy and commit
yourselves to corporate surveillance.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01GAGVI...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Remember websites? Nah, you're too young
* REAPPRAISING NINE LIVES - interesting thread
on the recent kids' movie where Kevin Spacey
played a man trapped inside a cat's body
suggesting it was literally made to talk to
Trump.
https://twitter.com/jackbern23/status/859883967306...
* Love this poster design for a Bridgnorth pub -
bet we'll see this ripped off for loads of club
nights.
https://twitter.com/j0nezy87/status/85936061789081...
* This whole thread below these football
supporters. Amazing.
https://twitter.com/liam__whu/status/8554411952706...
* Optical illusion that'll make your brain hurt.
http://b3ta.com/links/1436445
* The best pub review you'll read this year.
https://goo.gl/ZmRmst
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BASIC is 53 years young this week!
10 INPUT "Whose birthday is it?",a$
20 GOSUB 100: GOSUB 100
30 PRINT "Happy Birthday dear";a$
40 GOSUB 100: END
100 PRINT "Happy birthday to you": RETURN
Please fork our code on GITHUB.
https://github.com/robmanuel/happybirthday/blob/ma...
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: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
Two biggest images from /board this week
* THERESA MAY AS CIG SMOKER - This from JimmerUK
went ballistic - the Twitter version scored
nearly 4k likes and shares and 600k+ views on
Facebook. And they were just the numbers we
could see, as it was widely copied onto other
accounts.
http://b3ta.com/board/11224887
JimmerUK says "I haven't been this internet
famous since I ate dog food." This is true,
JimmerUK did eat dog food for an old B3ta
newsletter. Ah, those were the days.
http://www.jimmeruk.com/Jim-Reports/catfood-vs-dog...
* STRONG AND STABLE LEADERSHIP - from the lovely
HappyToast who's done so much to keep the image
challenges going.
http://b3ta.com/board/11224582
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How to improve your Twitter in 5 easy steps. Mute
the following terms:
Piers Morgan. Podcast. Nuggs. #BBCQT. Strong and
Stable Government.
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: FIVE TWEETS FROM THE AMUSING "DANNY DYER BOT"
1. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's horniest firemen
2. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most spherical geese
3. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most respected horses
4. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's most despicable geese
5. I'm Danny Dyer, and I'm about to meet
Britain's softest cats
Follow @dannydyerbot NOW:
https://twitter.com/dannydyerbot
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but on your compu... via the interne...
fuck it, this is just what TV is like now isn't
it?
* VIDEO OF PUB IN DONCASTER - this gets better
every second and looks like a top place to have
a night out.
https://twitter.com/Leonnoble82/status/85910844125...
* ANIMATED DOODLES ON TOP OF VIDEOS - submitted by Dyllon
who says, "Trust me you'll like it." And the
B3tans indeed liked it. "I liked it," replied
Amadeus. You will like it too.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437429
* PRINCESS LEIA'S STOLEN DEATH STAR PLANS -
popular on the site and rated by viral genius
Dr Dunno but we just couldn't get through this.
But apparently you'll like it.
http://b3ta.com/links/1437340
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: CLASSIC QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Nearly 14 years ago we asked you to tell us your
dad jokes and now many of you ARE dads and mums.
Blimey.
* 'Whenever I annoy him he dances about,
pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum,
I shagged your mum"' (Zak McFlimby)
* 'Imagine the scene: I was about 17, it was a
family Christmas gathering, and Dad farts. This
gets a giggle from the children, until he turns
to me and asks, quite calmly... "Should farts
have lumps?"' (Orin)
* 'I used to have a Saturday job in the men's
department of M&S. My Dad would come in and ask
the nearest sales assistant: "Hello! Have you
seen my daughter? She works in men's pants".'
(butchbint)
http://b3ta.com/questions/dadjokes/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
To be honest 18 months is a bit much to cover
here so fuck it, here's some stuff that doesn't
fit in other sections. Pretty much how we always
used this bit.
* Your Ginger Fuhrer did a tweet that The Sun
Stuck in one of their articles. He then amused
himself by changing his name to "Fuck Off
Murdoch", so there was a fun three hours with
that on their website.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/8597580426777...
* Your man Andrew Wilcox is still doing his
wildly successful shed of the year and asking
for entries.
https://twitter.com/unclewilco/status/844148318150...
* Joel Veitch is fine - we saw him the other day
on location of a short film he wrote! So
that's nice.
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Remember: #BUMFriday = Block, Unfollow & Mute
BUM @piersmorgan BUM @KTHopkins BUM @Nigel_Farage
BUM the lot of them
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: FAREWELL PRINCE PHILIP
Prince of Trolls
With Prince Philip stepping down from public
life (and The Sun erroneously announcing his
death) it's only right to remember him by a
handful of his most offensive, most trollish
sentences.
Take it away Phil!
* "I don't think a prostitute is more moral than
a wife, but they are doing the same thing."
* "People think there's a rigid class system
here, but dukes have even been known to marry
chorus girls. Some have even married Americans."
* After being told that Madonna was singing the
Die Another Day theme in 2002: "Are we going to
need ear plugs?"
* On Ethiopian art, 1965: "It looks like the
kind of thing my daughter would bring back from
school art lessons."
* To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea,
1998: "You managed not to get eaten then?"
* To female sea cadet last year: "Do you work in
a strip club?"
* And finally his best ever line: To Susan
Edwards and her guide dog in 2002: "They have
eating dogs for the anorexic now."
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: ALT NEWSLETTER TILES
* "A strong and stable newsletter for a strong
and stable internet" (Draconacticus )
* "Newsletter #1 for all the new cunts"
(robneymcplum)
* "Maddie McCann 10 Year Anniversiary Edition."
(Ouch, Marxist Pig, ouch!)
All your suggestions here:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11225228
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE
* LOGICAL EXTENSION OF THE FACEAPP THINGIE that
swaps gender - app that makes porn clips of hot
man/lady you. Support our kickstarter.
* A MUSIC LAWYER BREAKING DOWN HOW - The Cult
got away with having the same chorus on American
Horse as David Lee Rother did on Goin' Crazy.
Seriously, they are the same.
* A COMPENDIUM OF MPs WITH STUPID NAMES - no
else find it bad sitcom ridiculous that Fox /
Hunt are in the Tory cabinet? Like if Labour had
John Trade and Norman Union?
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: WE ALSO ENJOYED THIS WEEK
The resignation of Andrew Turner MP
Particularly this highlight from his Wikipedia
page:
"On 14 August 2006, Turner was attending the
Isle of Wight County Show with his Jack Russell
Terrier, when he lost hold of the lead. The dog
escaped and attacked a four-year-old ferret who
had to be put down. Turner later apologised to
the ferret's owner."
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: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
Links via Barst amongst others.
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: IF YOU ENJOYED THIS NEWSLETTER AND WANT MORE
Please donate to b3ta
Seriously. It costs us money to keep servers
going and stuff - bung us a couple of quid and
we might even write a few more newsletters and
not neglect the site so much.
http://b3ta.com/donate/
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https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
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https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
Seriously. Do this. REALLY.
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TOP TIP: VOYEURS! - Sit on your hand AND on your
penis. It will feel like someone else is jerking
someone else off. (sabre-tooth monkey)
Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
