NEWSLETTER: "WANT TO FEEL OLD? TURN ON THE FRONT FACING CAMERA"
This Week:
* ROBOTS TALKING TO ROBOTS - Funnyish hack
* ARGOS - A bot that posts old Argos tat
* QOTW GOLD - the /notorious/ threesome story
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by backing it up
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to archive.org"
B3ta email 691 - 24 Aug 2018
Alexa, read the B3ta newsletter in a robot voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue691
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: ROBOTS TALKING TO ROBOTS
An impractical but amusing interface to Spotify
Your newsletter editor has been wasting his
life making an interface to Alexa that works by
getting his laptop to talk to it. You might
think this is utterly pointless but it is fun
and you can download the code and play with it
yourself should you want. Or just watch the
video.
https://b3ta.com/blog/robot-dj/
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: RHYMING FOOD MENU
* Trouts with sprouts
* Carrots with parrots
* Bees with peas
* Lambs and jams
* Porks with stalks
* Twiglets and piglets
* Salmon and gammon.
* Beef and Leaf
* Chicken with sick in
* Horse in sauce
* Candy with brandy
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: LAST WEEK'S CHALLENGE
Remove a letter from an LP
230 entries in our "remove a letter from an LP"
challenge. That's numbers a bit like when we
were more popular. Anyway. Still time to join
in and pretend like it's 2004 again.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/letterremovedlps/po...
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: OLD ARGOS CATALOGUE BOT
Random pages to make you nostalgic
Inspired by our @yorecomputer and
@randomsmashhits project comes @OldUKCatalogues
who write "Would you be interested in this new
feed?"
We are literally planning to do this ourselves
but haven't got round to it yet - although the
main thing we'd have done different is to
upload the material to archive.org first so
everyone could use it:
https://twitter.com/OldUKCatalogues
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Everyone who tweets who claims they read books is
a liar. It's like heroin addicts claiming they're
into jogging.
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: B3TANS MAKING BOTS WITH THEIR CHILDREN
We'll be making Alexa skills with grandkids next
Shardcore, botman extraordinaire and he who
gave us the most useful bit of tech advice
we've received in the last ten years ("Use
Python. It's got libraries for everything. It's
like putting Lego together"), anyway he's been
repurposing his Factbot with the input of his
Tumblraware daughter:
He writes "hello, if you are looking for
newsletter fodder, you might find this story of
collaborative botmaking with my daughter
suitable for the b3ta demographic ;)"
http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress/2018/08/23/fac...
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: THIS WEEK'S IMAGE CHALLENGE
British Computer games
Ok. We've got a new challenge up. British
Computer games. You know er... Space Invaders
where you apologise for every alien shot.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/britishcomputergames/po...
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Programming is mostly writing a cool little
function and then wanting to get a pat on the
head and you don't get one because nobody has a
clue what you're doing.
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: CLOG RAVING
Old music synced with slightly older video
The Tramp Surveyor writes, "I edited some old
BFI footage of clog dancing with some 90s rave
music. Yeahhhh."
http://b3ta.com/links/1496109
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The best way to create equality is to jumble up
the babies in hospitals. The rich will be
motivated to pay taxes to improve the chances of
their genetic offspring, everyone gets the same
lottery chance at being born into wealth, and
shouting "BABY JUMBLE" is joyful.
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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
Sponsored Patreon
Do you remember what it was like before Hebtro
invented trousers? Men walked around in shorts.
Make sure that never happens again:
https://hebtro.co/
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
Sentences from the world's finest journalists
* "Edinburgh Zoo has denied it employs a
penguin erector" (Dundee Courier)
* "Christian poet harassed by porn WhatsApp
groups run by a 'mentally challenged' rabbit
farmer" (South Africa News 24)
* "Mum thinks her house might be haunted by a
'spunking ghost' - and people are agreeing with
her" (Daily Mirror)
* "The Two Stone Cabbage" (Manx Independent)
Compiled with the "help" of Scaryduck who has a
book out soon and wants you to pre-order it NOW.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDL...
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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
Sponsored Patreon
Ed does PR stuff and if you want some PR then
ED is your guy. Everybody loves PR right?
https://www.edzitron.com/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* PEANUTS SYNCED WITH 2112 BY RUSH - this made
us quite like Rush, it's that good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* MAN FINDS OLD PHOTOS - compelling thread from
about finding a box a 100 year old slides and
trying to use the internet to suss out who they
are. A mystery still unresolved.
https://twitter.com/meandmybigmouth/status/1031476...
* TWITTER WITHOUT THE ALGORITHM - Well, Twitter
with a simpler algorithm which is just "tweets
from people I follow, in chronological order
and maybe some likes"
http://realtwitter.com
* THEME TO KNIGHT RIDER ON A BANJO AND
ACCORDION - Gijoel writes, "The guy's got
skills."
http://b3ta.com/links/1496229
* JUST WILLIAM AND THE NAZIS - Ambegris writes,
"So I've found out there's a Just William story
I've never read, written in 1934, in which The
Outlaws decide to model themselves after the
German chancellor. William himself wants to be
called 'Him Hitler' and they start harassing
the village's only Jewish person." Holy shit!
http://justwilliamsyear.co.uk/william-the-detectiv...
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We've given the Twitter feed @b3ta_links a poke
to get it working again after it died in the
great B3ta hard disk crash. Make sure you follow
it for the best links from our /links board.
https://twitter.com/b3ta_links
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: THE MEANING OF GIFF
Redefined towns for the web 1.0 generation
* TIMPERLEY - The small key-like object
supplied with some brands of smartphone to open
the sim card slot. (Smallbrainfield)
* MAMBLE (V) - To attempt to refute an
accusation of mansplaining with an even longer
and more patronising explanation (cumquat may)
* TEIGNMOUTH - to brazenly harvest the online
posted witticisms of people into an article,
book, publication, script or similar.
(garidead)
* HEBBING END - the section of a powerpoint
presentation that extends beyond the projection
surface and instead is projected onto some
nearby curtains or ceiling tiles. (alistair)
* SKIPTON - The unfinished pint left by a
politician after a photo opportunity.
(Smallbrainfield)
* ROUNDHAY - A person who changes from portrait
to landscape mode half way through a video.
(alistair)
If you've got any towns you want to define,
head over to the 'Meaning Of Giff':
http://b3ta.com/questions/themeaningofgiff
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Do an internet turd and become internet famous
* DRAMA BE GONE - A script that mutes anyone
who screenshotted people to demonstrate that
the other person was a pillock would remove 80%
of the drama on Twitter.
* WHO WOULD HAVE YOU BEEN IF YOU WERE FAMOUS?
The best selling music artist who's about the
age of this writer is Eminem. So if our teenage
dreams of being a pop star had come true, the
market would have dictated we've have had to
been a white rapper. Which, would have sucked,
lucky escape there.
* A ARTICLE IDEA WE'RE TOO LAZY TO RESEARCH -
someone quizzing a policeman to write "27
crimes you'll most likely get away with" would
potentially be a good read.
* BBC CONCENTRATE - A BBC radio station they
only plays instrumental music with DJs only
allowed to speak to name the tracks /artists
every 30 mins - for people who are working.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.
*THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
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BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
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FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
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Stéphane.
Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
don't, please consider it.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
Social media has largely become a machine for
amplifying the word "Trump" and making us all
hate each other, so block us now at:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
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TOP TIP: WHEN CROSSING ROADS - rather than
looking both ways before crossing simply add the
vectors of both directions and look straight
ahead. (Crack, 10 votes)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
Three's a crowd
My sex misconception was that having my first
threesome would be a good idea.
It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best
mates, let’s call him Darren, had a girlfriend
who was liberal to the point of having no
inhibitions whatsoever. This suited Darren
perfectly and he used to boast to me regularly
about the latest perversion they’d tested in
the bedroom (or the kitchen, or the park… you
get the idea).
I was midway through Uni at the time but Darren
and I had been friends all the way through
school, been in sports teams together and it’s
fair to say we knew each other about as well as
two guys can, or so I thought. His girlfriend
Jenny was a couple of years older than us but
we’d both known her at school too. She was a
stunning girl and great fun but unashamedly
also a sexual deviant.
The night of Darren’s birthday was when it
happened. We were all a bit drunk and in no
mood to stop when the music at the nightclub
finished, so it was decided to go back to their
house to continue the party. In the back of the
cab, Jenny in the middle and Darren and me on
either side, it became clear I was in for more
than I’d bargained when she started groping me.
A quick glance to the left revealed that Darren
was already getting a hand job. He turned to me
and said “Jenny’s always fancied a threes-up
with you and me, how about it?”.
Well, what could I say? Nothing, as it
happened. She winked at me, I smiled nervously
in reply and she unbuttoned my flies with her
free hand …
After an awkward payment to the blushing
cabbie, we piled into their house and into the
living room. I had no idea what to expect, it
felt like losing my virginity again. She
dabbled with the idea of just getting down to
it right there, but Darren pointed out that the
bedroom would be more comfortable. Our trio of
bodies gradually made its way through the
hallway and up the stairs, Jenny occasionally
stopping to lick or fondle our various body
parts. By the time we arrived at the bedroom,
our clothes were all over the house.
I let Jenny dictate the pace when she wasn’t
using her skills on Darren as I really didn’t
know what I was doing; I’d had plenty of solo
partners myself but this was my first
ménage-a-trois so I didn’t want to overstep
whatever boundaries remained. Nevertheless,
trying to be passive and gentlemanly in such
rare circumstances just doesn’t work.
Growing bored of switching attention back and
forth between our respective cocks, Jenny
commanded Darren to fuck her hard, and he
happily obliged. While he was busily shagging
her from behind, I decided to engage in a bit
of ‘spit roasting’, then she insisted that we
swap ends. It was certainly a weird feeling to
be fucking my best mate’s girl while he was
being fellated by her a couple of feet away,
watching my every thrust intently. It was all a
bit surreal and I didn’t think it would go any
further, but Jenny wanted to try every
conceivable position available to the three of
us. She laid me on the bed, straddled me and
invited Darren to fill her vacant rear
entrance. It turns out that double penetration
is much more difficult than porn movies would
have you believe.
After an unenjoyable sojourn into shitty city,
Darren decided it was time to watch me and
Jenny for a bit while he “cleaned himself off”…
yuck. I was still lying on the bed so Jenny
assumed the classic ‘69’ position and began
giving me a very fine blowjob while I got to
work on her. Darren couldn’t stand just
watching so after a few cursory wipes he
decided to resume his previous position in
Jenny’s wrong ‘un, which was fine for him.
However, it placed me in the unenviable
position of having to look directly up at his
sweaty ballsack and arse. I closed my eyes and
tried to concentrate on Jenny’s excellent
technique rather than my best friend’s
pendulous undercarriage slamming into her
chocolate exit strategy.
With my eyes closed, I was finally starting to
enjoy the experience myself. I could feel the
pressure building as Jenny demonstrated her
lack of a meaningful gag reflex and could tell
she was enjoying my oral generosity too. She
was really wet to the point of dripping into my
mouth, so I lapped it up like a dog eating a
melted ice cream. I’d never experienced
anything like it before, but it was a real turn
on to know she was getting so much pleasure,
even if she did taste a bit different to most
of the girls I’d been with before. After
another minute or two she finished me off in
her mouth. Feeling rather exhausted and self
conscious again, I opened my eyes again only to
find that Darren was already lying next to us.
Confused, I looked up and noticed a trickle of
light brown fluid running from Jenny’s fudge
box, all the way down her lady-garden and
stretching onto my own lips.
Unfortunately for me, while I had been lost in
mutual oral pleasure with my eyes closed,
Darren had quietly emptied a remarkable load of
hot monkey custard into Jenny’s backside, and
then he’d pulled out with predictable results.
It wasn’t my tongue that had made her beef
pocket so impressively moist after all. The
worst part was that I’d swallowed most of the
devil’s own cocktail in the mistaken belief
that it was my prize for being so good at
cunnilingus. I ended up blaming the ensuing
bout of puking on the evening’s drinks.
So kids, my advice to you is: if you ever end
up being asked to a threesome, for goodness’
sake, either get the boy/girl ratio right or
ensure that gravity is on your side.
Apologies if the ending to this tale has left a
nasty taste in your mouth too. (chart cat)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconception...
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