NEWSLETTER: "YOUR MR MEN NAME IS MR + THE MOST NEGATIVE THING A TEACHER SAID ABOUT YOU IN A SCHOOL REPORT"
This Week:
* THEME TUNE SHUFFLE - Best thing ever, we promise
* CHALLENGE - Pop sell-outs / website typos
* LIES - About what content you'll find here
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by pressing CTRL S
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| on every bastard page"
B3ta email 695 - 21 Sep 2018
Read this issue whilst farting the ascii-bet:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue695
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: THEME TUNE SHUFFLE
Random theme tunes over the wrong title sequences
From a suggestion by your newsletter editor
comes Monkeon's great TV intro mash-up
generator. Keep pressing play for another. We
particularly liked Bread with Walking Dead
music as it turned into Threads. It's a nice
practical lesson in that music gives film
meaning.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/themetuneshuffle/
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Ellen L. Ripley,
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door
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: FUCKED-UP BOOK COVERS FOR COMEDY LOLS
Books turned into gags
Old B3tonian hnldesign (you might remember him
from his cats in headphones gifs) writes, "I
create covers and posters with a slight twist."
https://thesebooks.tumblr.com/
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Sartre: Hell is other people
Twitter HQ: Sweet idea dude. Let's build the app
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: YOUTUBE VIDEO BECOMES ACTUAL GAME
Thanks to b3ta. Sort of.
Mr John Robertson writes, "So, back in 2012
b3ta featured my sadistic YouTube game 'The
Dark Room' and helped it go viral. Thanks very
much for that. :-) My mates Bob Slayer and Andy
Townsend sent me over to you and it was fucking
great. Now The Dark Room has finally become an
actual game! Comes out on Thursday on Steam
Early Access."
https://www.thedarkroomgame.com/
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: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
Patreon ad thingie
Ed does media relations that actually works.
Give him a tinkle.
https://www.ezpr.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
"Food sex"
I was shocked to find out my girlfriend could
fit all of the following in her mimsy:
1 orange
1 apple
15 grapes
4 strawberries
6 raspberries
A handful of blueberries
and 1 banana.
It was hard work to get it all in but it was
worth it in the end, as we both enjoyed the
fruits of her labia. (Awesome Welles)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/foodsex/
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: BLAST FROM B3TA'S PAST
I say potato, you say pah-tootie
Chris CCC Shaw writes, "Scouring through the
internet for my old B3ta projects, I found
this. It's an old collaboration with me and
fellow B3tan Ben Wheatley. These days Ben is a
world famous movie director - and I scour the
internet for my old B3ta projects..."
Still one of our fav songs. So flipping catchy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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Vote Theresa. At least she's not Boris.
Vote Boris. At least he's not Nigel.
Vote Nigel. At least he's not Tommy Robinson.
Vote Tommy Robinson. At least he's not a bit of
AI code owned by Amazon.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Typo Websites
Here's the best images from last week:
* HE KNOWS WHEN THEY ARE, AND WHEN THEY ARE
NOT... - by Barbarossa
http://b3ta.com/board/11266238
* PORGHUB - It was purely for research
purposes, you understand - by (a)lexistwit
http://b3ta.com/board/11266131
* AND THIS BIT OF IN-JOKES ARE NEVER FRONT
PAGED - from JaCk tHe BiScUiT
http://b3ta.com/board/11266103
* See all the other images from the 'Typo
Websites' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/typowebsites
>> This week: Pop Adverts <<
Pop songs and singers are always being signed
up for adverts, but there are loads of
opportunities that have been missed. Where's
Sinitta's "So Paxo", John Lydon's "Anchory in
the UK" or George Michael's "Careless Wispa"?
Combine songs and products in ways that make us
laugh and which inevitably become real when the
ad agencies read this.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/popadverts
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
Sentences from the world's finest journalists
* "A PENSIONER who eats ten sausage rolls a day
was horrified to find that his packet only had
nine" (theargus)
* "Scientists Gave Antisocial Octopuses Ecstasy
And It Made Them More Friendly" (Newsweek)
* "Motorists devastated as iconic 'Give Peas a
Chance' M25 graffiti is erased"
(standard.co.uk)
* "Watford woman left with nothing to eat after
failed food delivery" (watfordobserver)
* "Cat in Bristol brings home bag of suspected
class A drugs" (bbc)
* "Man accused of posing as special needs man
to get help changing diaper" (fox10phoenix)
* "I wanted to understand Europe's populism. So
I talked to Bono" (Washington Post)
* "Woman tries to sell four 50ps for £1" (Devon
Live)
Compiled with help from Scaryduck.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDL...
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: DICTAPHONE MUSIC
We're enjoying this guy's videos at the moment.
His shtick is to make ambient music tracks and
explain in great detail all the old tapes and
stuff he uses. In this video he reviews 9 old
dictaphones and then finishes with a
performance.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
Your editor writes, "This inspired me and
although I haven't got a dictaphone to hand, it
made me explore recording music badly. Here's a
little piano loop I wrote - I made it a bit
spooky by playing it through phone and then
pointing phone at a mic. I like the effect.
It's got atmosphere I think."
https://soundcloud.com/robmanuel/sets/air-recordin...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* SILENT TREK - This guy has written a script
to glue together all the silences from Star
Trek - the whole thread is worth a read.
https://twitter.com/Foone/status/10432620249715752...
* COMEDY WILDLIFE PICS 2018 - harmless jollity.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/45521504
* I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE—THE COMPLETE
LIONEL BLAIR (1993-2007) - A compilation of
every single Lionel Blair joke (as well as a
few with Una Stubbs and Christopher Biggins).
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_Sorry_I_Havent_a_Clu...
* TAKING NUMBERWANG TOO SERIOUSLY - Monkeon
writes, "Whilst researching theme tunes, I
discovered that UK Game Shows has an entry on
Numberwang!"
http://www.ukgameshows.com/ukgs/Numberwang
* MARKY MARK LOLS - No longer topical, but
someone turned Marky Mark's weirdo routine into
this.
http://www.whatismarkwahlbergdoing.com/
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: GOATSE CORNER
Please stop sending us this stuff. Please.
"Grim..." writes, "I was in San Francisco
earlier in the summer, and went to an ace pizza
restaurant that was staffed by deaf people as
part of a program to help them find work. It
was good pizza and a good idea, but their
logo... Well, there's no way it was actually an
accident..."
https://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/09...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Be in this newsletter with your piss
* SHORTER BEATLES WHITE ALBUM EDIT - The truly
brave re-release would have cut it down to 40
minutes by piling a load of the weaker songs
into the Abbey Road style medley that it should
have always been. Imagine The Continuing Story
of Bungalow Bill cut from the tedium of 3mins+
to an enticing 25 seconds.
* SILENT PODCAST - What about a John Cage
podcast. Guests are invited. People are mic'd
up. An audience attends and everyone has to be
both utterly engaged and completely silent.
* NON TEDIOUS TV - "Alexa, Give me Netflix that
just plays one thing a night but it's the best
thing"
Send your stuff to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
You lovely people
*STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
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APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
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DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
TOM DOLAN.
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What's #000000 and #FFFFFF and #FF0000 all over?
A newspaper dot com
Now YOUR turn to write a joke:
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenaj...
