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NEWSLETTER: "RINGO WASN'T EVEN THE BEST CUMMER IN THE BEATLES"

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This Week:
* IMAGES - Toilets with threatening auras
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE - Typo Websites
* FILLER - Your 'Sisters of Mercy drum machine name'

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the Lego
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  cards from Sainsburys
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  coz the kids like them"

B3ta electro fax 694 - 14 Septemberry 2018

Read this issue crying in your cryo-chamber:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue694

-------------------------------------------------

: CHEDDAR MAN
  A movie by Eric aged 5

  Kung_Fu_Russ writes, "Just something a bit
  daft. I made an animation following my 5 year
  old boy's script and direction...Please feel
  free to share and stuff because the little
  bugger keeps asking me how many people have
  seen it."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Cheddar_Man_A_movie_by_Eric_Aged_5

-------------------------------------------------

Other names Denny Laine considered before joining Wings:

* Alan Rigby
* Dave Tripper
* Laddy Madonna
* Barry Thatweight
* Chas Onion
* Lenny Bee
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1040548428437180418

-------------------------------------------------

: ONE HOUR OF PUTIN A THE PHOTOCOPIER
  If that's what you want, then watch
  
  Ronseal work from Largoembargo.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/live_Putin_at_the_photocopier:2

-------------------------------------------------

What kind of sugar actually tastes salty?
Alan.  

-------------------------------------------------

: GO OUT AND WATCH "MR. JOLLY LIVES NEXT DOOR"
  But in Bristol. Sorry.
  
  B3ta chum John Rain writes, "Doing a Mr. Jolly
  screening in Bristol that could use a plug!"
  Rowland Rivron (legendary comedian and
  co-writer) will be in a 30 minute conversation
  with John Rain too. And probably prop up the
  bar afterwards.
https://www.everymancinema.com/bristol/film-info/_mr-jolly-lives-next-door-30th-anniversary-qa 

-------------------------------------------------

: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
  Patreon ad thingie

  Ed does media relations that actually works.
  Give him a tinkle.
https://www.ezpr.com/

-------------------------------------------------

Bill Haley's Rock Around The Clock and the Happy
Monday's 24 Hour Party People are thematically
the same song. Hashtag makeuthink.

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT'S YOUR SISTERS OF MERCY DRUM MACHINE NAME?
  Honorific / Sounds of nature
  
  Use the first letter of your first and last
  name to find your own 'Doktor Avalanche' name.
  
  A: Baron           A: Rock Going 'Kerplunk'
  B: Brother         B: Big Puddle Sploosh
  C: Chancellor      C: Thunder Rumbles
  D: King            D: Leaves Rustling
  E: Dentist         E: Lighting Crackles
  F: Duke            F: Thunder Crack
  G: Earl            G: Seagull Squawk
  H: His Eminence    H: Frog Croaking
  I: His Holiness    I: Tree Falling
  J: Lord            J: Windy
  K: Marquess        K: Gentle Breeze
  L: Medic           L: Hailstones
  M: Nurse           M: Bees Buzzing
  N: Physician       N: Rain On A Crisp Bag
  O: Professor       O: Cat Fight
  P: Quack           P: Meow
  Q: Rabbi           Q: Raining Cats And Dogs
  R: Reverend        R: Barking
  S: Sharif          S: Tectonic Shift
  T: Sir             T: Traffic Noise
  U: Surgeon         U: Drunk People Shouting
  V: The Reverend    V: Dog Farting
  W: Right Hon       W: Solar Noise
  X: Vice-Chancellor X: Volcano
  Y: Viscount        Y: Earthquake
  Z: Royal Highness  Z: Sizzling BBQ
  
-------------------------------------------------

We're not stupid enough to vote for Brexit. It
won't happen.

America isn't stupid enough to vote for Trump. It
won't happen.

The Government isn't stupid enough to fall out of
the EU with no deal. It won't happen.

-------------------------------------------------

: MEANING OF GIFF
  Towns redefined for web 1.0
  
  * CATCLIFFE - 1: Theoretical upper limit of
  kitten pictures on the Internet. 2: Any
  unfathomably large number, probably not
  infinity. (Smallbrainfield)

  * BAFFINS - The confusion of staying in a
  modern flat on AIRBnB and you don't know how to
  turn the lights on because everything is an
  app. (rob)

  * TUESNOAD (N) - An accidental like that lets
  everyone know *exactly* what youâ&#128;&#153;ve spent the
  last 15 minutes searching for.  See also
  Tadnoll - an unfocused tab accidentally left in
  a browser screenshot that does the same thing. 
  (chthonic)

  Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/themeaningofgiff

-------------------------------------------------

: TROUSER BROWSER AROUSER
  Patreon ad thingie

  If you have legs please buy some some trousers.
  Also they are now selling shoes for your feet.
https://hebtro.co/

-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/
 "Age gap shag"

  "She was 46. I was 21. She had Bowie-esque
  angled features and a body not ruined by giving
  birth to her son, my friend, who we shall call
  Abel.

  "Outside a kebab shop at Canon Circus,
  Nottingham, she recognized me from Rock City,
  as I had spent the night getting hideously
  drunk with her son. We chatted, and, as is
  customary in town at 2.30 am early sunday,
  swiftly got down to tongue-exchange, much to
  the joy of horn-blowing passing taxis. 'Come
  with me' she purred,and gestured down Ilkeston
  Road, where she resided, 'spend the night'. I
  considered this proposition, weighed it against
  the fresh, satisfying prospect of eating the
  kebab I had just purchased...the kebab was
  binned. I was careful to inform her of this
  sacrifice. 'Thats romantic', she said demurely,
  and seemingly without irony.

  "A night of passion ensued, for about thirty
  minutes, whereabouts the booze took hold and I
  passed out, still in the process of a second
  run, a process akin to stuffing a marshmallow
  in a piggy-bank. In the morning, I hastily
  dressed and left, happy that her teeth were
  still in her mouth, not swimming in a bed-side
  jar.

  "For fear of Abel's revenge, I kept away from
  him and avoided Rock City for several weeks,
  until in a fit of Thunderbird Red-inspired
  courage, I ventured in. Instantly, I saw Abel,
  he saw me, and a game of cat and mouse ensued,
  ducking through the crowds, down corridors and
  stairwells to avoid the chunky thug. Then, just
  as I thought I was safe, he cornered me by the
  Gents, pushed me against the wall, pulled his
  head back ready to butt...then kissed me full
  on the lips and said, in an infantile
  voice...'Daddy'" (trumplefahrt)
https://www.b3ta.com/questions/cougars/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Signs of the apocalypse

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * JOBSWORTH TWAT - from Monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11265676

  * The Magic Roundabout - from funkenstein.
http://b3ta.com/board/11265679

  * SINKING SHIP ETC ETC - from Ya What.
http://b3ta.com/board/11265635

  See all the other images from the 'Signs of the
  apocalypse' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/signsoftheapocalypse


  >> This week: Typo Websites <<
  We're clumsily typing urls and seeing what lols
  we get this week. Misspell your favourite
  websites and photoshop the imagined results.
  Show us what b4ta, Feddit, and Yapoo might look
  like (actually skip that last one).
http://b3ta.com/challenge/typowebsites

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  The Sierpinski Zoom Game 

  This will fuck your eyes up. Rules: blank
  screen = bad; lines on screen = good; move
  cursor to make good.
https://cutelifebot.github.io/sierpinski/

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * TOILETS WITH THREATENING AURAS - probably the
  best named Twitter account you've seen this
  week and will doubtless inspire Xerox-dogs.
https://twitter.com/scarytoilet

  * MINI DAILY MAIL THING - Dr Dunno writes
  "Darren Cullen's mini Daily Mail is awesome.
  Have you done that before? This man is a
  genius. This piece is critical, satirical and
  piss-arse funny. A mini Daily Mail, hand drawn
  to perfection, satirising everything you hate
  about the Daily Mail, from the Littlejohn
  column ("the real racists are the people
  calling me racist for being racist") to the
  Diana supplement ("The Enemy Within" -
  highlighting the hypocrisy of the Daily Mail's
  deification of someone who stood up against
  everything they believe).  Every page contains
  a zinger, from the ads to the cartoons, that
  I'd have been proud of on its own, let alone as
  part of a wider project. He's kickstarting it
  at the moment."
https://www.spellingmistakescostlives.com/dailymail

  * 10 HOURS OF "SORRY" THEME TUNE - comments
  include "my favorite moment is 6:15:28  didn't
  see that coming!", "This is my wife and my
  favourite music to make love to. Only problem
  is that the music ends before I do, could I get
  an 11 hour version please?" and  "needs to be a
  bit longer next time, please. Quite
  frustrating."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWyqtjDeDyM

  * THE WAY SCI-FI NERDS USED TO BE FEATURED ON
  TV IN THE 70s - spotted by Matt Round. The
  amazing nerds being nerds and casual sexism of
  the presenter is quite something.
https://twitter.com/BBCArchive/status/1038426735543349248

  * HOW PICTURE EDITORS REPRESENTED THE INTERNET
  IN THE 90s - "I enjoyed Mr Biffo's 90s Internet
  article" informs Monkeon.
https://www.digitiser2000.com/main-page/14-ways-our-ancient-ancestors-attempted-to-explain-what-the-internet-was

  * SHIT QUIZ - can you tell which animal shitted
  it out? Sound recommended. 
https://www.rspb.org.uk/fun-and-learning/for-families/big-wild-sleepout/whose-poo/ 

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT'S YOUR SISTERS OF MERCY GUITARIST NAME?
  Retro working class bloke name / Marxist (ish)
  
  Use the first letters of your first and surname
  to find your own 'Gary Marx' name.

  A: Alan       A: Trotsky
  B: Barry      B: Lenin
  C: Clive      C: Stalin
  D: Colin      D: Engels
  E: Dean       E: Gramsci
  F: Dennis     F: Guevara
  G: Derek      G: Chi Minh
  H: Gareth     H: Marx
  I: Gerald     I: Luxemburg
  J: Gordon     J: Zedong
  K: Graham     K: Gorbachev
  L: Howard     L: Castro
  M: Keith      M: Zedong
  N: Kevin      N: Il-sung
  O: Martin     O: Miloševi&#263;
  P: Neil       P: Khrushchev
  Q: Nigel      Q: Brezhnev
  R: Norman     R: Chernenko
  S: Brian      S: Corbyn
  T: Raymond    T: Foot
  U: Roger      U: Kinnock
  V: Ronald     V: Miliband
  W: Roy        W: McCluskey
  X: Wayne      X: Balls
  Y: Tony       Y: Umunna
  Z: Trevor     Z: Toynbee

-------------------------------------------------

: OH SHIT IT'S GOASTE CORNER
  Back from the grave and we're not sorry
  
  Beddoes writes, "Is accidental goatse corner
  still a thing? If so, I just ran across an
  accidental lady-goatse that made me miss my
  stop on the tube. Before you get too filled
  with trepidation about the link below, it's
  perfectly safe."
https://twitter.com/lidhelmets/status/1006128984420122624

-------------------------------------------------

: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  Sentences from the world's finest journalists
  
  * "Author of 'How to Murder Your Husband'
  Charged With Murdering Her Husband"
  (mediaite.com)

  * "I Escaped A Shark By Punching It In The
  Gills (The Times)

  * "Beat The Meatles" (New York Post)

  Compiled by Scaryduck
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make some bollocks and tell us. E.g.
  
  * A OUIJA BOARD FOR ROBOTS - with only zero and
  one on it.

  * HEADLINE MASHER - Dan Bull writes "a little
  game I like playing where I look at the top
  headlines... take the first part of one and the
  second part of another. Today I got 'Avril
  Lavigne injured in giraffe attack'

  * PORN - we've looked everywhere for it and
  can't find ANY on the internet. 

  Send your shite to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT

  Edited by Rob Manuel & Gary Fuckcheese. Stuff
  from christhebarker, Artifus, Delay Tactics,
  Ohidunno Joke from smallbrainfield. Why not add
  another?
http://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people 

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
  WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
  ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
  CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO
  APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
  MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
  DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
  NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
  TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
  TOM DOLAN.

  lee burnett, Bloonface , Shane McHugh, Joe
  Banner, Chris Garratt, Jim Woodward, Rebecca
  McManus, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies,
  George Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
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  Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
  Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
  Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
  Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Chris
  Gough, fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Nathaniel
  Bandersnatch, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys
  Wynne, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
  Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
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  Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
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  Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben
  Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson,
  Saleem Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur,
  John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber,
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  Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason
  Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian
  Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek ROBERTS, Robbie
  Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James
  Clayton, Jim Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott
  S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob
  Mahon, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m McN&#464;ven,
  Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom Rees-Williams,
  David Mills, Martin Beer, midnightrambler ,
  matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny, Dave Tickle, Matthew
  Forman, Gareth Noyce, Chris Paterson, James
  Woods, pookong , oliver bewes, Iain , Adam
  Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion Gray, Rupert Hull,
  Simon waterfall, Paul Westerman, Courtenay
  Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy Dave, Martin Peache,
  Jerry Quartley, Bertil Hansson, Carl Morgan,
  Mark Hibbett, Daniel Brown, Rich Pope, John
  Matthews, JOHNNY WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian
  Woodfield, Stuart Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane
  Baker, Paul Smith, Will Goulden, Simon Cowan,
  Robin Whitmore, Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes,
  Dan Stott, Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson,
  Starlord Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse,
  Tyronne Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter
  Willman, Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Tom
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  Iain Ruxton, mil jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben
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  Law, David Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan,
  Matthew Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe
  McNally, Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly,
  Frank Hollis, sean casely, Al Davidson, martin
  mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
  Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
  wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew Morris, Rob
  Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley, Greg
  Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev Adams,
  Simon Smith, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
  Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
  Fiona James, Robert Hills, Anne-Marie Scott,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de
  Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
  Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
  Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
  Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
  Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
  Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
  Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
  O'Malley, Emma Lay, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl,
  Catherine McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien
  Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
  Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
  William Garratt, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, Iain
  Moffatt, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David
  Green, Riven A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian
  Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom
  Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike
  Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
  Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
  Stark, Adam Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic
  Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew
  Robinson, Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim
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  Parslow, Daniel Moeller, Irene Semanchuk,
  Alexandre Strube, Craig Naples, Richard Speed,
  Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
  peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
  Andy Candler, Peter Cooper, Deny Coughlan, Russ
  Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew
  Anderson, Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham
  Freeman, Dave Gee, Wine School of Philadelphia,
  John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
  Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
  Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
  BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
  Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
  Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
  Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
  David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
  Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
  Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
  Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
  Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
  Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
  of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
  Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
  ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
  Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike Carter, Daz
  Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M, P
  Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
  Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
  Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
  Bounds, Stéphane.

  Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
  Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
  
https://mastodon.social/@b3ta
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Fool people into thinking you've got an
  E-cigarette by standing in a doorway & blowing
  sherbet out of a biro. (sandettie light vessel
  automatic)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

-------------------------------------------------

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