NEWSLETTER: "OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER ELSE WE'LL SEND YOUR BROWSER HISTORY TO YOUR MUM"
This Week:
* BOB ROSS - Just his cleaning brushes bit
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Monster film results
* STUFF - We promise more nonsense
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to get high on spider
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| spliffs... together"
B3ta e-telegram 699 - 19 Oct 2018
Read this issue whilst touching cloth:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue699
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: 45 MINS OF BOB ROSS
Just cleaning his paint drush
Rhodri Marsden writes, "Bob Ross has
unwittingly become the spiritual godfather of
the so-called ASMR movement, where stressed
people soothe their frazzled brains by watching
slow, quiet videos of sod all. The bit in his
Joy Of Painting shows where he cleans his
paintbrush and beats it on the easel is quite
compelling, so I edited those moments together
across 403 episodes, and now it's 45 minutes of
a man beating a 2-inch paintbrush which isn't
very soothing at all."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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We could end global warming now if you could
return Gü ramekins to the supermarket and they'd
heap more pudding into them.
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: LIGHTSABER ART
Using persistence of vision stuff
Rich from Electromaker.io writes, "We made a
prescience of vision Lightsaber. It allows you
to upload photos which are then painted in the
air. Skip to 0.23 to see it in action. Skip to
9.36 for the obligatory cat picture ;)"
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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When filing albums alphabetically, always file
The The from the second "The"
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: ART GALLERY
If Banksy was a B3tan
Drivelsieve writes, "This video is 7 seconds
long, and 1 week late."
https://b3ta.com/links/Art_gallery
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Paper shredder, paper shredder,
Nothing makes hamsters deader.
(Popped into our head earlier this week, actually
an unrecorded song idea with b3ta/rathergood from
back in the day.)
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Monster Films
Last week we asked you to make new monster
movies by adding monsters to movies without
them.
Our absolute favs included:
* The IT Crowd from JimmerUK
https://b3ta.com/board/11268848
* The Abominable Snowman from (a)lexistwit
https://b3ta.com/board/11268810
* The Wolfman Of Wolfstreet from Tribs
https://b3ta.com/board/11268480
* See all the other images from the 'Monster
Films' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/monsterfilms/popular/
>> This week: Buttons <<
This week we've decided to do a one word
challenge instead of the word play stuff we've
done a lot of recently, and Monkeon suggested
'buttons'. Be them chocolate, on websites or on
clothes - you decide using the power of your
cracked version of Photoshop or Pixelmator or
whatever the hell you use these days.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/buttons
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If you're systematically rude to Piers Morgan on
Twitter he eventually blocks you and you can no
longer read his annoying tweets. Please take and
share this important advice.
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: EGGPOD DOES "GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADSTREET"
With Iain Lee off the radio
B3ta chum CCC's Beatles Podcast is going great
guns and he's just done McCartney's crappiest
LP with Iain Lee.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/10/14/episode-nine-i...
If you're interested, your editor helped out a
bit with this one and prepared background notes
- i.e. listened to the LP twice and wrote down
what he thought. Come backstage and have a nose
if you like:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BBD8VvX_F1A2cq...#heading=h.pfodjy9sni
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This is the week where the Sun ran the headline
"Meggers Preggers". Bit disrespectful. We prefer
the more formal "Megnant Pregnant"
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: RANDOM SMASHHITS BOT STRIKES GOLD
What Pop stars voted in 1987
When we launched Random Smash Hits the idea was
that randomly sampling the backpages of
Britain's best pop magazine might find
something good and it finally has - seriously
one of the most interesting bits of journalism
ever published in a pop magazine. Robert Smith
of the Cure? SDP. George Michael? Fed up of the
lot and interested how the world will cope with
automation. Amazing stuff. Even Bowie is here.
https://twitter.com/randomsmashhits/status/1051958...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* THE TRUTH BEHIND AIRPLANE! Famously an old
script with added jokes. But we hadn't realised
that that the old script was filmed. It's kinda
fascinating to watch the trailer as it's quite
literally Airplane without the gags.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
Oh and if you want every gag in Airplane ranked:
https://bullshit.ist/every-joke-from-airplane-rank...
* BOB MORTIMER'S EGG STORY - Vic Reeves' old
comedy partner is so plausible - probably
because he trained as a solicitor he can spin
any old shit and make it compelling.
https://b3ta.com/links/Bob_Mortimers_back_on_Would...
* DAVID SEDARIS SIGNS THINGS STUPIDLY - Rico
Monkeon writes, 'and my Image Search of The
Week is "signed book david sedaris", after I
heard him on Adam Buxton's podcast taking
pleasure in writing inappropriate things at
signing sessions.' This would make a great
article that we're too lazy to compile.
https://www.google.com/search …
* DAY IN THE LIFE OF BANKING EXEC - this will
make you agitate towards a communist revolution.
http://uk.businessinsider.com/a-day-in-the-life-of...
* GEOMETRIC FOOD - Matt Round writes, "not very
b3taish but I rather liked all these geometric
pies." Very much the Instagramification of
everything.
https://www.lokokitchen.com/
* INSIDE THE BAY AREA'S CRAZIEST SECRET
UNDERGROUND PARTIES - "This is worth a read"
writes KLF author John Higgs.
https://medium.com/s/story/inside-the-bay-areas-cr...
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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
All human life is in your local press.
* "Croydon Tesco worker reportedly suing for
£20,000 after colleague 'farted in his face'"
(Croydon Guardian)
* "Irish presidential candidate insists he can
defeat a horse-sized duck using judo" (INews)
* "Anger then confusion after stray cat's head
mysteriously explodes" (NZ Herald)
* "California student 'baked dead grandmother's
ashes into cookies'" (BBC)
* 'Clown pleas for help after losing size 16
shoe on bike ride - "I had to turn up at a
kids' party with one shoe on. I looked a right
idiot"' (Brighton Argus)
* "Burnley man flouted driving ban to get his
dad a Pot Noodle" (Burnley Express)
Compiled by Scaryduck
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDL...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make a shit and post in our letterbox
* BEATLES TAPE PROJECT - loads of Beatles LPs
had diff tape order. Would make a nice / easy
Spotify playlist project for someone. And
writing about how it changes the listening
experience:
https://web.archive.org/web/20080224080103/http://...
* TORY BLOCKER - Can someone make a block app
that blocks every Tory MP and every Tory
journalist? It would do much good but it would
annoy them and that would be fun.
* A LIBRARY OF OBVIOUSLY UNPORNY CONTENT -
content for porn sites to stay under the 1/3
porn threshold in UK. Finally a use for all
that bus CCTV video that TFL collects.
Send your bags of HTML spunk to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: THANKS
Matt Round, John Higgs, Monkeon, Toby Slater,
Ambegris.
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: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
Patreon ad thingie
Do you want some PR? Maybe you want relations
with the public? Then there's one man you
should call and his name is ED.
https://www.ezpr.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
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TOP TIP:
The one way to stop hiccups is to hold your
breath for 500 seconds exactly.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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