NEWSLETTER: "CAN BRITAIN PLEASE COLLAPSE SO WE CAN GET ON WITH THE NEXT BIT?"
"Can Britain please collapse so we can get on with the next bit?"
This Week:
* A DAD - Talks about dating (involves poo)
* KUNT (& THE GANG) - Writes his autobiography
* NEWSLETTER - On time like a stopped clock
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for a rainy day"
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B3ta email 702 - 17 Nov 2018
Taste this issue with your eye-tongues:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue702
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: HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
We've decided to support Christmas starting at
the beginning of November, it's not like
November is any good is it?
Anyway, on with the bollocks.
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: ALPHABETICAL BREXIT
Draft agreement sorted into order, at last
Henry writes, "I took the Brexit Draft
Withdrawal Agreement, extracted the words, and
then put them into alphabetical order. It
probably makes just as much as sense and is in
as much of the national interest as the real
one – and by the time the newsletter goes out,
they'll probably both be just as valid."
https://twitter.com/thelemonpress/status/106280321...
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If Hollywood Rebooted Films With Woman In The
Title With A Male Cast
Cat Man
The Scent Of A Man
Pretty Man
The French Lieutenant's Man
When a Man Loves a Man
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: DAD USES DATING APPS BLOG
Sexy time for all concerned
Bumbling Dad writes, "Hi B3ta. Long time
subscriber and newsletter sponsor. I write
sporadically and anonymously, this midlife
dating blog."
Ha - we've checked it out and it IS quite
funny, we particularly enjoyed this story about
having to cut up the poo of a potential shag.
https://www.bumblingdad.co.uk/2018/06/wordsdont
-come-easy-to-me-but-numbers-do.html
Bumbling Dad is also hopeful you might vote for
his blog in the blog awards.
https://blogawardsuk.co.uk/vote-entry-categories/
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People who buy the 6 pint bottles of milk are
Tories.
6 pints = big fridge = big house = Tory.
Fact.
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: JOHN LEWIS AD REDUBBED
You asked for it, you got it
Another year, another shitty John Lewis ad to
make you feel sentimental and buy a load of
overpriced tosh for the loved ones at Xmas and
Chairman L'Mao writes, "I redubbed the John
Lewis Ad. Hope you like it."
https://www.b3ta.com/links/I_redubbed_the_John_Lew...
BTW: Our favourite yearly John Lewis tradition
is the bloke with the same name on Twitter who
gamely puts up with all the complaints about
broken toasters. Why the hell the department
store hasn't just bought him off we don't know.
https://twitter.com/johnlewis
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A phone is a £600 torch that also sends tweets.
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: SUPPORT CHARITY MAN
Asthmatic sponsored run
Invisible Wizard writes "I'm running 2018km and
I'm raising money for charriddee! I've managed
1900km so far - about a marathon each week,
give or take a few Parkrun 5km events. It's all
about Asthma UK, cause I'm asthmatic, and it
nearly killed me, twice - but it does kill lots
of other people every year."
https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/2018km-chal...
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: I AM THE EGGPOD vs BEARDYMAN
Paul McCartney - McCartney II
B3ta's favourite podcast (well, your editor was
on episode 1) this week features Beardyman
talking about the 1980 LP McCartney II.
https://audioboom.com/posts/7076232-i-am-the-eggpo...
BTW: We wonder if Beardyman remembers visiting
B3ta HQ in about 2005 and recording a terrible
terrible song with us that remains unreleased
but is still sitting on our hard drive? This is
not a blackmail threat.
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Did you know that John Lennon had a cat called
Jesus? Named around the time of the "Beatles
bigger than Jesus" controversy. Presumably so he
could joke, "I was just saying we were bigger
than my cat."
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: KUNT AND THE GANG BOOK
Give the old twat some cash you cunts
We love Kunt and all of his gang. We first
featured him in ooh about 2007 or something
with his brilliant "Use My Arsehole As A Cunt"
track and was saddened when he gave up his
musical career last year to take up painting
and decorating.
However the lure of media celebrity has drawn
him back into the fray once more, this time to
write his autobiography.
You can Kickstarter it here and Kunt as says,
"Oh look. I've written a book. It took fucking
ages. It's got 358 pages."
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/kuntandthegan...
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THE CORRECT ORDER TO WATCH "THE STAR WARS" SERIES:
1. Star Wars (then stop)
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Ronseal
Here's the best images from last week:
* MAGAZINE JOKE - from Monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270357
* CAR JOKE - from LS18.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270467
* BANKSY JOKE - from DerpyDad.
http://b3ta.com/board/11270275
* See all the other images from the 'Ronseal2'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ronseal2
>> This week: Replace an instrument <<
Grab a picture of a musician, remove their
musical instrument and replace it with anything
that tickles you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/replaceinstruments
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that was made by our enemies
* SEX CRIMINAL DELETION ROW - Kate Bush has
removed Rolf Harris from the reissue of some
old LP and we've enjoyed reading the fans
losing their shit in this comments thread as
reading other people's rows what passes as
entertainment these days. BTW: If anyone wants
to put Rolf back, maybe a mash-up of Two Little
Boys and Man With A Child In His Eyes?
http://www.superdeluxeedition.com/news/kate-bush-r...
* SLAYER MIXED WITH BENNY HILL MUSIC - all
kinds of wrong, Benny Hill is wrong, Slayer's
lyrics are monumentally wrong, but together
it's somehow joyous.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* ODD BEATLES SLAVERY CONNECTION - The legacy
of slavery pops up in British culture in
unexpected ways. Penny Lane by the Beatles,
named after Penny Lane in Liverpool, which was
named after slave owner James Penny who gave
evidence to Parliament in defence of slavery.
Who knew?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/liverpool/content/articles/20...
* TYPEWRITER TYPE-INS - enjoyed these
instructions on how to 'type in' photos of
celebrities like Kojak on your typewriter.
https://twitter.com/PulpLibrarian/status/106062098...
* WHEN AI GOES WRONG - this collection of
anecdotes about AI getting stuff wrong is
hilarious. E.g. "In an artificial life
simulation where survival required energy but
giving birth had no energy cost, one species
evolved a sedentary lifestyle that consisted
mostly of mating in order to produce new
children which could be eaten (or used as mates
to produce more edible children)."
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/1/d/e/2PACX...
* FREELANCER WOE - as set to gifs from Star
Wars. (Sent in by brent. Thanks Brent. Branks
etc.)
https://twitter.com/FreelanceWars
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: LAST WEEK MATT ROUND WAS LOOKING FOR CRISPS
Now he wants people to make models
If you:
* Have several small cute animals
* Like making crude models of things out of
cardboard
* Want to help make some daft videos then he
may have a project for you (some pay involved &
there’s a clear brief)
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1062419721331...
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: OH FUCK OFF IT'S GOASTE CORNER
Sorry sorry sorry
CapnLee has written to us to tell us about this
"nerdiest goatse" and we're now making you
suffer our pain:
https://wargamesbuildings.co.uk/epages/950003459.s...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories
* YORECOMPUTER BLOG - Thanks to Terence Eden
whose written a tribute to our old computer mag
bot. https://shkspr.mobi/blog/2018/11/yorecomputer-exam...
* PAC SNAKE - Barbarossa writes, "A few weeks
ago you asked for mashups of classic computer
games, an example given was a cross between
pacman and snake. Well, I've done one in
Scratch." Flash only - so no phones sadly.
https://phosphorus.github.io/app.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make some bollocks and tell us. Free ideas:
* FUCK THE SUN - A bot that replies to every
request from @SunPictureDesk asking to use
pictures with a message pointing out A. you can
say no and B. the going rates for selling
pictures / video to news orgs.
* HELIUM BUBBLE-WRAP - lighter than air
packaging should lower the postage costs.
(suggestion from Baz Mclean)
* RETRO METRO - we bet if the Metro had a pull
out where the reprinted a few pages from a 100
year old newspaper every day it would be
incredibly popular.
Make sure you tell us about this stuff you make:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
You lovely people
*STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
*KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*
GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING COLESLAW, ANDREW
WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR, IAN SHEEN, MARK
ADAMSON, ANDREW FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH,
CHRIS BLAKENEY, BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO
APPS, CHRIS LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG
MCGOWAN, RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7
DEATH, TOM WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON
NICHOLLS, CHRIS CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL
TRINDER, 5 + REWARD DESCRIPTION, EUGENIE VT,
TOM DOLAN.
lee burnett, Bloonface , Shane McHugh, Joe
Banner, Chris Garratt, Jim Woodward, Rebecca
McManus, Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies,
George Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas , Chris
Gough, fourstar , Jonty Wareing, Nathaniel
Bandersnatch, Montocat , Rob Affleck, Rhys
Wynne, Marina de Joslin, Jasper Koning, Ryan
Rhodes, Chris Whitworth, James Macinnes, Geoff
Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel Chote, Geoffrey
Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Mark Wilson, Paul
Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian Beveridge, Alex Mastin,
Raul Arreola, Faith H. Martin, David King,
Jaymie Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben
Watson, Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson,
Saleem Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur,
John Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber,
David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon McDougall,
Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling, Jason
Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip Kinchington, Ian
Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek ROBERTS, Robbie
Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam Inglis, James
Clayton, Jim Frayling, Mike Middleton, Scott
S. Kramer, Joe Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob
Mahon, Paul Leader, Ivan Kelly, Jǐm
McNǐven, Paul Healey, Andy Ashton, Tom
Rees-Williams, David Mills, Martin Beer,
midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim Halfpenny,
Dave Tickle, Matthew Forman, Gareth Noyce,
Chris Paterson, James Woods, pookong , oliver
bewes, Iain , Adam Cooney, Sam Anderson, Albion
Gray, Rupert Hull, Simon waterfall, Paul
Westerman, Courtenay Ferris, Andy Tillett, Essy
Dave, Martin Peache, Jerry Quartley, Bertil
Hansson, Carl Morgan, Mark Hibbett, Daniel
Brown, Rich Pope, John Matthews, JOHNNY
WATTERS, Jamie Taylor, Adrian Woodfield, Stuart
Ashen, Vicki Jakes, Jane Baker, Paul Smith,
Will Goulden, Simon Cowan, Robin Whitmore,
Steven Smith, Matthew Wilkes, Dan Stott,
Siobhan McNally, Bill Atkinson, Starlord
Mixtape, Gneissrocks , Steve Prowse, Tyronne
Mann, Andy Storrar, Jay Roche, Peter Willman,
Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston, Tom Gleeson,
Ed Cook, Catroaster , Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
mil jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben Burton, Peter
Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC , Derek Law, David
Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan, Matthew
Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe McNally,
Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly, Frank
Hollis, sean casely, Al Davidson, martin
mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew Morris, Rob
Vincent, Chris Shaw, Rick Lindley, Greg
Neilson, blossomshed , Jude Evans, Kev Adams,
Simon Smith, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
Iain Henshaw, Mathew Smith, Gia Milinovich,
Fiona James, Robert Hills, Anne-Marie Scott,
James Kerry-Barnard, Greenfox , Neil de
Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
O'Malley, Emma Lay, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl,
Catherine McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien
Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, ,
William Garratt, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, Iain
Moffatt, Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David
Green, Riven A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian
Appleby, Pete , Tobie Fysh, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, David Barton, Jess Baker, Tom
Freke, Jan Spielhoff, Sean Flanagan, Mike
Congreve, Chris Johnson, John Field, Emma
Sykes, Carl Mesner Lyons, Ross Dobson, David
Stark, Adam Beardwood, Danny Kodicek, Dominic
Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson, Chris Goode, Andrew
Robinson, Nicky Hewgill, Michael Kitt, Tim
Beachy, Rose Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor
Parslow, Daniel Moeller, Irene Semanchuk,
Alexandre Strube, Craig Naples, Richard Speed,
Alastair Dodd, Rhys Jones, Joseph Mulvaney,
Julie Beacock, Sentient Meatbag, Dan Tasse,
peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
Andy Candler, Peter Cooper, Deny Coughlan, Russ
Anderson, Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew
Anderson, Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham
Freeman, Dave Gee, Wine School of Philadelphia,
John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob Potter, James
Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al Napp, Tanya
Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam, Jace Otting,
BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward, Adam Tickner,
Peter , Emily Payne, Tim Polglase, Ted Bowyer,
Matt Carr, Bobod , Michael Bryan, Richard
Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman,
David Bond, Ben , Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp,
Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James , Jim
Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
Rohan , Sam Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble,
Nigel Ford, Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries
of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
Čolak-Antić, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike
Carter, Daz Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M,
P Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, Dave The Hammer Parry,
Emma Nicol, Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon
Bounds, Stéphane.
Other thanks: Rob Manuel for writing this
shite. Monkeon, HappyToast, Matt Round, Wil &
Krix for other stuff.
Bung us some money. Thank you.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: ED ZITRON - "WHY I'M ADDICTED TO PELOTON"
Patreon ad
"I wrote for Motherboard about why I'm addicted
to peloton and how it helps keep my obsessive
thoughts about my weight down" writes Ed.
https://motherboard.vice.com/en_us/article/vba4dx/...
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SAVE MONEY ON YOUR WEEKLY SHOP. By being a
thieving cunt at Tesco. (Edenmonster)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
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