NEWSLETTER: "NEVER STICK 'SCREW THE LOT OF YOU' ON A BALLOT, IT’S REALLY APPEALING"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Robots Ruining Comedy
* VLOGGING - How it might have worked in 1976
* SEXY STUFF - That'll make your naughty bits hard
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not shaving the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | cat to 'convert it into
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| a monkey' OK Dave?"
B3ta email 704 - 11 Dec 2018
Read this issue in your pants:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue704
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: ROBOTS RUINING COMEDY
Punched card punchlines
"I've compiled all my robots-ruin-comedy
animations into one" writes Chipping Sodbury.
This gets funnier the more it goes on, the
overload of familiar sketches ruined by robots.
Best thing on pretend-TV this week.
https://vimeo.com/303484064
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Have you even noticed that Rod Liddle's name is
effectively synonymous with "Penis Little"?
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: VLOGGING WITH AN 8MM FILM CAMERA
Is it possible to 'vlog' in the 1970s?
"This is how a fleeting idea ends up taking
weeks of your life" writes Jurassicpaul.
We quite love this idea, mainly as we're
increasingly of the opinion that we'd like
Artificial Intelligence to take over, like in
the Matrix, but make us all live in permanent
1976.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Vlogging_with_an_8mm_fi...
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Spoiler: Batman is not the story of a man who
gets bitten by a bat which gives him special
powers. (That's Dracula)
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: WAVING DONALD TRUMP
Sadly not drowning
The point of Donald Trump is to post bad tweets
that annoy liberals so that the entire
newscycle is taken up by people spluttering
whilst the Republican party quietly gets on
with giving its donors exactly what they want.
But in the meantime here's S4RK who's made a
lovely loop of Trump waving.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Get_me_out_of_here:3
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Stuck for a "traditional Irish name" for a baby?
Why not try "The Edge".
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: MJ HIBBETT SAYS HAPPY XMAS
Oh god it's Brexit based lollity
Long term readers will remember when we
invented viral videos by sticking a piss-poor
flash animation on MJ Hibbert's song Hey Hey
16k and got about 12 billion views.
The Hibbster writes, "Hi B3ta. Here is my thing
what I made, it's our new Christmas single
about Santa saving us all from Brexit. Weirdly,
this week, it seems to have started to actually
happen!"
http://www.mjhibbett.co.uk/christmas/
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Definition of a Christmas movie:
Is it slightly odd to watch it when it’s not
Christmas because it's so damn Christmasssy?
That’s really it, not whether it’s set AT
Christmas.
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: EGGPODD VS ANNIE NIGHTINGALE
Beatles based ovoid podcast is back for yolks
This is a great episode with Chris catching
emotion on tape like the actual radio producer
he's becoming.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/12/02/episode-12-ann...
P.S. Coming up soon is your B3ta editor Rob
once more, taking the Lennon solo LP Plastic
Ono Band, to be recorded over the Xmas period.
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How does Batman's mum call him in for his dinner?
She doesn't because she was brutally murdered in
front of her son, leading him to become a violent
vigilante who believes societies problems can be
solved by beating up poor people instead of
alleviating poverty.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sci-Fi Art
SciFi art was pretty brilliant, over 2 million
entries, well about 170 and it's all worth a
look.
* METAMORPHOSIS OF XENOMORPH - HappyToast
http://b3ta.com/board/11271781
* 'CHRISTINA DOWN' - Ninj
http://b3ta.com/board/11271220
* GALLIFREYAN GOTHIC - Captain Howdy
* See all the other images from the 'SciFi Art'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scifiart
>> This week: Comic Captions <<
A nice and easy old favourite this week, grab a
comic strip or newspaper cartoon and give it
better text. Let's TOAP!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comiccaptions
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Things people wanked to before the advent of online porn
* Smutty bits in Jilly Cooper novels
* Feature on bras for the lady with the "fuller figure" in the Sunday Times magazine
* Drama that showed a bit of boob that you'd recorded off the telly
* Memories of the cast of Neighbours
* Cosmopolitan magazine article on checking your boobs for cancer
* Ad for shower unit inserted in local newspaper
* The girdle section of Littlewoods catalogue
* The local girl "dressed as Santa's helper" on front page of local paper
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* REBUILDING AMIGA DEMOS IN PURE JAVASCRIPT.
They are as fun, bouncy and pointless as they
ever where. (Well, being technically very
impressive is probably the point.)
http://www.wab.com/
* PUTINSPIRATION - Ronseal. Vlad's manly photo
shoots but now with uplifting captions.
https://www.instagram.com/putinspiration/
* GOOD GAME - Kind of a puzzle version of
Snake, far too easy and it goes on way too
long, but we ended up playing it all the way
through, which rarely happens.
https://www.kongregate.com/games/nrbdch/trace
* BLACK SABBATH + TEMPTATIONS - good mash up.
https://www.b3ta.com/links/Black_Sabbath_Temptatio...
* HOW TO TIMES BY 11 TRICK - Just learnt a neat
technique for multiplying any two digit number
by eleven in your head. Just add two digits and
place the sum in between! i.e. 25 x 11 = 275.
Learn it and amazing people with your mental
mathletics.
https://www.math.hmc.edu/funfacts/ffiles/10001.1.s...
* PAUL WELLER WATCH - why do so many men of a
certain age have this terrible Paul Weller
haircut? Maybe it's because they're cunts.
https://twitter.com/wellendwatch
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Seeing Christmas now starts on December the 1st, shall we extend it through January too? January is shit and the world is probably ending or sliding into hell so let's make it all Christmas.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas for you to nick
* DUOPOLY - A version of Monopoly for two
players. One side Tory, one side Labour and you
go around privatising / nationalising property.
* RETURN OF MISHEARD LYRICS - There's a great
misheard lyric in George Michael's Hand To
Mouth. Shame it's not a better known song as
I'd pretend it was @b3ta circa 2002 and do a
flash animation of George stuff his face with
pork, "25 years of ham to mouth, ham to mouth,
ham to mouth"
* WHAT'S YOU'RE BULLIED AT SCHOOL NAME?
Replaces the final syllable of your name with
something rhyming but bad, you know, Rob
ManuSMELL etc.
Send us your shits. Well not literally, a photo
will do.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Remember you're playing Whamageddon!
How long will you last after Dec 1st before you
accidentally hear Last Christmas?
Last year we lasted until the 4th.
https://www.whamageddon.com/
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: MEATY IDIOMS
Adding extra animals to non meaty idioms
We think there should be more meat in common
phrases, so here's some alternative phrases to
keep animals in language:
* Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw pigs.
* Bob's your ocelot
* That's put a spaniel in the works
* You can't make a ham sandwich without breaking a pig
* In for a penny, in for a quarter-pounder
* Too many cats spoil the broth.
* There's no smoke without fur.
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next bollocks
* KUNT'S BOOK DID OK - "1,069 backers pledged
£30,325 to help bring this project to life."
Fucking hell, he'll be able to afford a new wig.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/kuntandthegan...
* B3TAN WINS WORLD SACK RACE RECORD - yes, really.
https://twitter.com/StephenWildish/status/10681714...
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LEARN FROM A PRO - If you need to piss when on a
fast moving boat full of very drunk and horny
women, then please for the love of christ do it
from the back, instead of spraying yourself and
all your hot guests with salty piss. (jademonkey)
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: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
For being our biggest patreon
Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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