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NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 16,790 MORE SLEEPS UNTIL DEATH ASSUMING YOU'RE OUR AGE AND AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY!"

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This Week:
* INTERACTIVE - Band Aid simulator
* MASH-UP - Football, oh god, football
* ALCOHOL - 'Periodic Table Of Drinks'

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're panic hoarding
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  pasta and powdered egg 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 705 - 21 Dec 2018

Read this issue with your pants around your ankles:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue705

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: CHOOSE YOUR OWN BAND AID
  Unrealistic Bob Geldof Simulator 2.0

  There's now been about 5 billion different
  versions of "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and
  idea-professor Monkeon has written a Youtube
  applet that allows you to skip between the
  different versions, line-by-line, as if you
  were in an 1980s choose your own adventure.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/chooseyourownbandaid/

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Every single moment of being glued to the Brexit
drama on social media over the last couple of
years, you could have spent learning the
saxophone and it would have had no impact either
way on Brexit but you'd now be able to play the
cool bit in Baker Street.

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: NON-FOOTBALL FANS LOOK AWAY NOW 
  Jose's Miserable Now

  SwedeMason has made a mash-up that's something
  to do with a football manager resigning but we
  haven't got a clue coz we only care about
  soccer when the World Cup is on. Anyway, it
  does feature a rather miserable looking man
  performing the Smiths' "I'm really sensitive
  and I vote UKIP" or whatever.
https://b3ta.com/links/Joses_Miserable_Now

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e-Knock e-knock
Who's there?
Enoch Powell using Twitter.

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: SIMPSONS WIKIPEDIA MAP
  Yes, updates to Wikipedia are content now

  Anthonyb3ta70100 writes, "Hi everyone!. To
  celebrate the 29th anniversary of The Simpsons,
  I made a Wikipedia map with the ubications with
  the name of the episodes where one or several
  members of Simpson family have visited. Text in
  italic are for non-canon travels in non-canon
  episodes like 'Bart to the Future' and the
  Treehouse of Horror series. Text without bold
  are for flashback travels like in the episode
  'Fland Canyon'"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:MrWikiEdition2019/Map_of_real-world_places_visited_by_The_Simpsons

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Resist being clever when buying presents for adult men.

Booze, meat, cheese and socks.

That's what we want and yes we speak for all men.

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: PERIODIC TABLE OF DRINKS
  Booze as catergosied by "science"

  "I made a periodic table of drinks." writes
  Wildyles "None of these fancy cocktails you
  have now down south. Just the basic building
  blocks of a decent hangover."
https://wildishandco.co.uk/projects/periodictable/

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If you pay more than £5 for the second bottle of wine in a night, you're a fool.

-------------------------------------------------

: BEST MUMSNET THREAD
  "My kids' dad fed them badger"

  "I'm not joking. We are separated and he sees
  them for the day once every few weeks. Last
  week he took them for the day in London and
  when I picked them up they told me, very
  casually, that Daddy had given them badger with
  rice for lunch. He had sent me a picture a few
  days earlier of a dead badger so it is totally
  plausible, and given that he has been homeless
  for the last couple of years and often 'lives
  off the land' I am certain he would not think
  twice about eating a badger. He told the kids
  that he steamed the meat for 4hrs but now i'm
  really worried about the whole TB thing. They
  seem fine but not sure if I should get them
  checked out. Any words of wisdom?"
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3425075-My-kids-dad-fed-them-badger

-------------------------------------------------

Nile Rodgers' full name? "Featuring Nile Rodgers"

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEF
  Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe

  * WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH THE LARGELY IGNORED
  MOVIE 'JENNIFER'S BODY' - skimming this article
  has made us watch this film and you know what?
  It's actually pretty great.
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/louispeitzman/jennifers-body-diablo-cody-karyn-kusama-feminist-horror

  * LONG ADAM CURTIS INTERVIEW - Particularly
  like Curtis's description of the Internet as an
  outsourced Human Resources, nudging our
  behaviour back into the company norm and
  booting out miscreants.
https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/12/06/the-antidote-to-civilisational-collapse

  * CRAP SPECTRUM GAMES COMPO NEARLY AT YEARLY
  END - In most cases, it is more fun to read the
  reviews than play them and they really need to
  upload more screenshots for that reason, but it
  makes us happy that it's still going.
https://cgc.source.run/reviews.html 

  * AMAZING "REMOVE BACKGROUND" TOOL - using AI
  to replace all the cutting out we learn to do
  by hand. Smash the machines!
https://www.remove.bg

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The truth about getting older:

Age 25: Drink alcohol to feel good
Age 45: Don't drink alcohol to feel good

-------------------------------------------------

: BEATLES CHRISTMAS RECORD PODCAST
  "I am the eggnog!"
 
  Writes Joel Morris and Jason Hazeley can
  normally be found on Rule Of Three discussing
  comedy, and here they are on the EggPod
  discussing the closest thing the Beatles made
  to a comedy record: the Xmas flexidisks.

  We particularly like the bit about Ringo's
  drumming.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/12/16/episode-13-jason-hazeley-joel-morris/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Comic Captions

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * THE MAN IS NEFARIOUS. -  Captain Howdy
http://b3ta.com/board/11272745

  * ANDY CAPP RELOAD - AdrianJ
http://b3ta.com/board/11272667

  * MICHAEL GOVE & THERESA MAY DISCUSS DIGITAL
  BREXIT STRATEGY AT TORY HQ - Octo
http://b3ta.com/board/11272687

  * See all the other images from the 'Comic
  Captions' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comiccaptions


  >> This week: Doctor Who Christmas <<
  The BBC aren't doing a Doctor Who Christmas
  special so we're doing it for them. Festive up
  your favourite Timelord, show us Dalek snowmen
  and the Cyberman nativity. Who Who Who! Merry
  Christmas!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/drwhochristmas

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Imagine a world where people with anime profile
pics weren't all twats

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some inspiration to start you off

  * NET TRUTHS, CHROME EXTENSION - replace
  "influencer" with "shill" to improve the
  accuracy of online news.

  * WHO SAID IT: JORDAN B LOBSTER OR A REAL
  LOBSTER? This would probably consist of quotes
  like "SCCCEREEAMMMMMAM" and "Do you know that
  many bald people were involved in the slave
  trade?"

  * REALITY TEST - can anyone prove that we're
  not in a computer simulation designed to see
  what happens to Britain if we do no deal?

  Send your work to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: CREDIT
  Edited by Rob Manuel & ClickBait Robot with
  extra stuff from Monkeon.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*,
  *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
  *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL
  DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
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  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
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  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
  Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek,
  Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex
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  Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben
  Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
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  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
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  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
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  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
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  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
  For being our biggest patreon

  Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

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: TOP TIP
  Create "smellyvision" in your own home by
  sticking some spam behind a photo of your
  bollocks for a week or so. (je suis un vagabond)

  Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

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