NEWSLETTER: "ONLY 16,790 MORE SLEEPS UNTIL DEATH ASSUMING YOU'RE OUR AGE AND AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY!"
This Week:
* INTERACTIVE - Band Aid simulator
* MASH-UP - Football, oh god, football
* ALCOHOL - 'Periodic Table Of Drinks'
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're panic hoarding
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | pasta and powdered egg
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 705 - 21 Dec 2018
Read this issue with your pants around your ankles:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue705
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: CHOOSE YOUR OWN BAND AID
Unrealistic Bob Geldof Simulator 2.0
There's now been about 5 billion different
versions of "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and
idea-professor Monkeon has written a Youtube
applet that allows you to skip between the
different versions, line-by-line, as if you
were in an 1980s choose your own adventure.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/chooseyourownbandaid/
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Every single moment of being glued to the Brexit
drama on social media over the last couple of
years, you could have spent learning the
saxophone and it would have had no impact either
way on Brexit but you'd now be able to play the
cool bit in Baker Street.
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: NON-FOOTBALL FANS LOOK AWAY NOW
Jose's Miserable Now
SwedeMason has made a mash-up that's something
to do with a football manager resigning but we
haven't got a clue coz we only care about
soccer when the World Cup is on. Anyway, it
does feature a rather miserable looking man
performing the Smiths' "I'm really sensitive
and I vote UKIP" or whatever.
https://b3ta.com/links/Joses_Miserable_Now
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e-Knock e-knock
Who's there?
Enoch Powell using Twitter.
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: SIMPSONS WIKIPEDIA MAP
Yes, updates to Wikipedia are content now
Anthonyb3ta70100 writes, "Hi everyone!. To
celebrate the 29th anniversary of The Simpsons,
I made a Wikipedia map with the ubications with
the name of the episodes where one or several
members of Simpson family have visited. Text in
italic are for non-canon travels in non-canon
episodes like 'Bart to the Future' and the
Treehouse of Horror series. Text without bold
are for flashback travels like in the episode
'Fland Canyon'"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:MrWikiEdition20...
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Resist being clever when buying presents for adult men.
Booze, meat, cheese and socks.
That's what we want and yes we speak for all men.
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: PERIODIC TABLE OF DRINKS
Booze as catergosied by "science"
"I made a periodic table of drinks." writes
Wildyles "None of these fancy cocktails you
have now down south. Just the basic building
blocks of a decent hangover."
https://wildishandco.co.uk/projects/periodictable/
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If you pay more than £5 for the second bottle of wine in a night, you're a fool.
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: BEST MUMSNET THREAD
"My kids' dad fed them badger"
"I'm not joking. We are separated and he sees
them for the day once every few weeks. Last
week he took them for the day in London and
when I picked them up they told me, very
casually, that Daddy had given them badger with
rice for lunch. He had sent me a picture a few
days earlier of a dead badger so it is totally
plausible, and given that he has been homeless
for the last couple of years and often 'lives
off the land' I am certain he would not think
twice about eating a badger. He told the kids
that he steamed the meat for 4hrs but now i'm
really worried about the whole TB thing. They
seem fine but not sure if I should get them
checked out. Any words of wisdom?"
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/3425...
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Nile Rodgers' full name? "Featuring Nile Rodgers"
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BEEF
Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe
* WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH THE LARGELY IGNORED
MOVIE 'JENNIFER'S BODY' - skimming this article
has made us watch this film and you know what?
It's actually pretty great.
https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/louispeitzman...
* LONG ADAM CURTIS INTERVIEW - Particularly
like Curtis's description of the Internet as an
outsourced Human Resources, nudging our
behaviour back into the company norm and
booting out miscreants.
https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/12/06/t...
* CRAP SPECTRUM GAMES COMPO NEARLY AT YEARLY
END - In most cases, it is more fun to read the
reviews than play them and they really need to
upload more screenshots for that reason, but it
makes us happy that it's still going.
https://cgc.source.run/reviews.html
* AMAZING "REMOVE BACKGROUND" TOOL - using AI
to replace all the cutting out we learn to do
by hand. Smash the machines!
https://www.remove.bg
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The truth about getting older:
Age 25: Drink alcohol to feel good
Age 45: Don't drink alcohol to feel good
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: BEATLES CHRISTMAS RECORD PODCAST
"I am the eggnog!"
Writes Joel Morris and Jason Hazeley can
normally be found on Rule Of Three discussing
comedy, and here they are on the EggPod
discussing the closest thing the Beatles made
to a comedy record: the Xmas flexidisks.
We particularly like the bit about Ringo's
drumming.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/12/16/episode-13-jas...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Comic Captions
Here's the best images from last week:
* THE MAN IS NEFARIOUS. - Captain Howdy
http://b3ta.com/board/11272745
* ANDY CAPP RELOAD - AdrianJ
http://b3ta.com/board/11272667
* MICHAEL GOVE & THERESA MAY DISCUSS DIGITAL
BREXIT STRATEGY AT TORY HQ - Octo
http://b3ta.com/board/11272687
* See all the other images from the 'Comic
Captions' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comiccaptions
>> This week: Doctor Who Christmas <<
The BBC aren't doing a Doctor Who Christmas
special so we're doing it for them. Festive up
your favourite Timelord, show us Dalek snowmen
and the Cyberman nativity. Who Who Who! Merry
Christmas!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/drwhochristmas
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Imagine a world where people with anime profile
pics weren't all twats
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some inspiration to start you off
* NET TRUTHS, CHROME EXTENSION - replace
"influencer" with "shill" to improve the
accuracy of online news.
* WHO SAID IT: JORDAN B LOBSTER OR A REAL
LOBSTER? This would probably consist of quotes
like "SCCCEREEAMMMMMAM" and "Do you know that
many bald people were involved in the slave
trade?"
* REALITY TEST - can anyone prove that we're
not in a computer simulation designed to see
what happens to Britain if we do no deal?
Send your work to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & ClickBait Robot with
extra stuff from Monkeon.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*,
*HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
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DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
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TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
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AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
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DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
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COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
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JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
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BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
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BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
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Please bung us your cash:
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-------------------------------------------------
: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
For being our biggest patreon
Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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: TOP TIP
Create "smellyvision" in your own home by
sticking some spam behind a photo of your
bollocks for a week or so. (je suis un vagabond)
Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
