NEWSLETTER: "READING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL GIVE YOU 24 HOURS GOOD LUCK"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Can you name the Sleeperblokes?
* CHALLENGE - Rename a movie, badly
* FREE HANDJOB FOR EVERY READER - and other lies
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're watching the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Bros documentary
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta e-fax 706 - 5th Jan 2019
Read this issue whilst wanking off a snake:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue706
-------------------------------------------------
: SLEEPERBLOKE QUIZ
Name Britpop bands from their obscure members
Back in the 1990s when pop music magazines were
where the brightest and funniest minds tended
to congregate, there was a gag about
'Sleeperblokes' i.e. the men who stood behind
Louise Wener et all and who couldn't get
arrested selling drugs at the Good Mixer.
Because we're all old cunts and so wrapped up
in nostalgia that we're coming around to the
idea that the internet was a bad idea, here's
an execution of that idea from quiz genius
Monkeon:
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/sleeperblokequiz/
BTW: If you don't score 10 out 10 you probably
think Powder were a good band.
-------------------------------------------------
Possible alternative title for Jaws:
Mr Bitey
Hello Snappy
The Fish That Bit
Sharkdunnit
Don't Get Wet
Sea Baddies
Kisses Of Deaths
Beach Bastard
The Boat Of Regret
Salty Teeth
The Ouch That Came From The Sea
-------------------------------------------------
: SEAGULL FIGHT
With speech annotations
Cope&Dalton writes, "Went out for an Xmas Eve
walk, and I see two seagulls fighting over an
eel in my local park and it's now my favourite
thing. To be fair, my family's the same at
Christmas dinner"
https://www.b3ta.com/links/1508100
-------------------------------------------------
Create your "establishment paedophile name"
simply by taking your own name and adding "sir"
at the front
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
80s Internet
Here's the best images from last week:
* REMEMBER WHEN FACEBOOK WAS DONE BY FAX? by
(a)lexistwit
http://b3ta.com/board/11274033
* IT'S ALWAYS AT THE LAST SECOND WHEN IT FAILS
by Pizopop
http://b3ta.com/board/11273915
* CRASHER GOPHER from monkeon
http://b3ta.com/board/11273989
* See all the other images from the '80s
Internet' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/80sinternet
>> This week: Rename Films Badly <<
We're renaming famous films this week. Pick a
movie, throw away it's carefully considered and
focus group tested title and replace it with
something stupider.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/renamefilmsbadly
BTW: A few to start you off:
Back To The Future - Incest Time Machine
Psycho - Don't Shower!
Schindler's List - The Good Nazi
Raiders of the Lost Ark - Mr Whippy
Alien - SPACE JAWS!
Aliens - SPACE JAWES!
-------------------------------------------------
Ted was an excellent movie that told the story of
how male friendship changes when men get serious
girlfriends and wives, whereas Ted 2 was lost in
it's own world building and didn't work as an
allegory at all. In this TED talk...
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW FRIDAY
Stupid Twitter accounts to follow this week
* DARTBOARDS OF FILM AND TV - this account
collects images of when dartboards can be seen
in the background of films and TV. Beyond
pointless but amusing.
https://twitter.com/dartsfilmtv
* ACTUAL JAPANESE P**N VIDEO TITLES - Ok let's
try and quote some of the ones without words
that'll upset the filters: "Embarrassing Farts
In Front Of Strangers", "Chasing The Big S**t
Woman. The Invisible Man Camera" and "I Was
Being F***ed In Front Of The Photo Of My Dead
Husband, And I Went Insane With Orgasmic
Pleasure"
https://twitter.com/JAVdottxt
* PARTRIDGE TREK - Your favorite Alan Partridge
quotes on photos of the AHA Enterprise.
https://twitter.com/partridgetrek
-------------------------------------------------
Radio 4 is doing Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino
Years and it's delightful. It's not the best
known stuff as it's not the iconic teenage
diaries but covering Tony Blair's election gives
it double nostalgia and Sue Townsend's writing is
as sharp as ever. Such an eye for a comic
skewering with specific detail and class
observation.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0001t9k
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BEEF
Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe
* HAMPSTERDANCE ORAL HISTORY - fascinating long
read about Hampsterdance and the various people
who tried to cash in on it. And yes the P is
intentional, an attempt to make it
trademarkable.
https://www.cbc.ca/arts/the-oral-history-of-the-ha...
* CHARLIE BROOKER ON CULTURE WARS - we miss
Charlie Brooker. We don't want pessimistic
techno dramas. We want him ranting about stuff.
On second thoughts maybe Charlie took a sniff
of the air and realised everyone was ranting
their thoughts into the abyss and figured he'd
be best of doing something else. Got out before
the hoards took over. Smart move.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* OLD BUT GOLD - Wonderful Facebook post with
the guy who whose robot vacuum cleaner smeared
dog shit over his entire house
https://www.facebook.com/jesse.newton.37/posts/776... …
* VERY SLOW MOVIE PLAYER - 24 frames per hour
on a Kindle. "You don't watch them because
they're not films; they're portraits so you see
them, and it just so happens that you see them
in four dimensions."
https://medium.com/@bryan/very-slow-movie-player-4...
* COCK DRAWING TOOL - whatever you draw it
turns into cocks. Hooray!
http://seoi.net/penint/
-------------------------------------------------
"Is the bit the Allen key fits into just called
an 'Alan'?"
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
What happened "next"
* SWEDEMASON'S MORRISEY VIDEO NABBED BY
MORRISSEY - "I pinch Morrissey's song,
Morrissey nicks my vid. Tit for tat."
https://www.facebook.com/Morrissey/videos/vb.13044...
-------------------------------------------------
: IDEAS FOR HORROR MOVIES WITH VERY SHORT TITLES
Can print the title big you see
EX - evil ex
HE - evil man
HO - evil Santa
HA - evil clown
BA - evil sheep
-------------------------------------------------
: THANKS
EricHitchmough @itskatelliott @mattround tubaman HappyToast Monkeon
-------------------------------------------------
Next year let's not have #whamageddon and instead
do #whamcember and just play George Michael
records all month because he was great. This is
our TED talk and goodnight.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*,
*HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
*JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL
DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek,
Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex
Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew
Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben
Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
How old were you when you learnt you could mute
annoying replies and not spend all day locked in
a battle with a stranger whose mind you'll never
change?
-------------------------------------------------
: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
For being our biggest patreon
Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
-------------------------------------------------
The logic of Stoptober & Dry January being two
months apart means you could complete the
sequence by opting out of booze in April & July
too. Just need some catchy names. Abstinencepril
& Juldry.
-------------------------------------------------
: TOP TIP
If you fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce
it will make it look like the person who sat on
it has followed through. (samgasm)
Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
