we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "READING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL GIVE YOU 24 HOURS GOOD LUCK"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* QUIZ - Can you name the Sleeperblokes?
* CHALLENGE - Rename a movie, badly
* FREE HANDJOB FOR EVERY READER - and other lies

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're watching the
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    Bros documentary 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta e-fax 706 - 5th Jan 2019

Read this issue whilst wanking off a snake:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue706

-------------------------------------------------

: SLEEPERBLOKE QUIZ
  Name Britpop bands from their obscure members

  Back in the 1990s when pop music magazines were
  where the brightest and funniest minds tended
  to congregate, there was a gag about
  'Sleeperblokes' i.e. the men who stood behind
  Louise Wener et all and who couldn't get
  arrested selling drugs at the Good Mixer.

  Because we're all old cunts and so wrapped up
  in nostalgia that we're coming around to the
  idea that the internet was a bad idea, here's
  an execution of that idea from quiz genius
  Monkeon:
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/sleeperblokequiz/

  BTW: If you don't score 10 out 10 you probably
  think Powder were a good band.

-------------------------------------------------
Possible alternative title for Jaws: 

Mr Bitey
Hello Snappy
The Fish That Bit
Sharkdunnit
Don't Get Wet
Sea Baddies
Kisses Of Deaths
Beach Bastard
The Boat Of Regret
Salty Teeth
The Ouch That Came From The Sea

-------------------------------------------------

: SEAGULL FIGHT
  With speech annotations

  Cope&Dalton writes, "Went out for an Xmas Eve
  walk, and I see two seagulls fighting over an
  eel in my local park and it's now my favourite
  thing. To be fair, my family's the same at
  Christmas dinner"
https://www.b3ta.com/links/1508100

-------------------------------------------------

Create your "establishment paedophile name"
simply by taking your own name and adding "sir"
at the front

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  80s Internet

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * REMEMBER WHEN FACEBOOK WAS DONE BY FAX? by
  (a)lexistwit
http://b3ta.com/board/11274033

  * IT'S ALWAYS AT THE LAST SECOND WHEN IT FAILS
  by Pizopop
http://b3ta.com/board/11273915

  * CRASHER GOPHER from monkeon
http://b3ta.com/board/11273989

  * See all the other images from the '80s
  Internet' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/80sinternet

  >> This week: Rename Films Badly <<
  We're renaming famous films this week. Pick a
  movie, throw away it's carefully considered and
  focus group tested title and replace it with
  something stupider.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/renamefilmsbadly

  BTW: A few to start you off:

  Back To The Future - Incest Time Machine
  Psycho - Don't Shower!
  Schindler's List - The Good Nazi
  Raiders of the Lost Ark - Mr Whippy
  Alien - SPACE JAWS!
  Aliens - SPACE JAWES!

-------------------------------------------------

Ted was an excellent movie that told the story of
how male friendship changes when men get serious
girlfriends and wives, whereas Ted 2 was lost in
it's own world building and didn't work as an
allegory at all. In this TED talk...

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW FRIDAY
  Stupid Twitter accounts to follow this week

  * DARTBOARDS OF FILM AND TV - this account
  collects images of when dartboards can be seen
  in the background of films and TV. Beyond
  pointless but amusing.
https://twitter.com/dartsfilmtv

  * ACTUAL JAPANESE P**N VIDEO TITLES - Ok let's
  try and quote some of the ones without words
  that'll upset the filters: "Embarrassing Farts
  In Front Of Strangers", "Chasing The Big S**t
  Woman. The Invisible Man Camera" and "I Was
  Being F***ed In Front Of The Photo Of My Dead
  Husband, And I Went Insane With Orgasmic
  Pleasure"
https://twitter.com/JAVdottxt

* PARTRIDGE TREK - Your favorite Alan Partridge
quotes on photos of the AHA Enterprise.
https://twitter.com/partridgetrek

-------------------------------------------------

Radio 4 is doing Adrian Mole: The Cappuccino
Years and it's delightful. It's not the best
known stuff as it's not the iconic teenage
diaries but covering Tony Blair's election gives
it double nostalgia and Sue Townsend's writing is
as sharp as ever. Such an eye for a comic
skewering with specific detail and class
observation.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0001t9k

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEF
  Stuff from outside the official B3ta universe

  * HAMPSTERDANCE ORAL HISTORY - fascinating long
  read about Hampsterdance and the various people
  who tried to cash in on it. And yes the P is
  intentional, an attempt to make it
  trademarkable. 
https://www.cbc.ca/arts/the-oral-history-of-the-hampsterdance-the-twisted-true-story-of-one-of-the-world-s-first-memes-1.4958325

  * CHARLIE BROOKER ON CULTURE WARS - we miss
  Charlie Brooker. We don't want pessimistic
  techno dramas. We want him ranting about stuff.
  On second thoughts maybe Charlie took a sniff
  of the air and realised everyone was ranting
  their thoughts into the abyss and figured he'd
  be best of doing something else. Got out before
  the hoards took over. Smart move.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XBcmFl5HQ0

  * OLD BUT GOLD - Wonderful Facebook post with
  the guy who whose robot vacuum cleaner smeared
  dog shit over his entire house
https://www.facebook.com/jesse.newton.37/posts/776177951574
  * VERY SLOW MOVIE PLAYER - 24 frames per hour
  on a Kindle. "You don't watch them because
  they're not films; they're portraits so you see
  them, and it just so happens that you see them
  in four dimensions."
https://medium.com/@bryan/very-slow-movie-player-499f76c48b62

  * COCK DRAWING TOOL - whatever you draw it
  turns into cocks. Hooray!
http://seoi.net/penint/

-------------------------------------------------

"Is the bit the Allen key fits into just called
an 'Alan'?" 

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened "next"

  * SWEDEMASON'S MORRISEY VIDEO NABBED BY
  MORRISSEY - "I pinch Morrissey's song,
  Morrissey nicks my vid. Tit for tat."
https://www.facebook.com/Morrissey/videos/vb.130443603658856/2389791097717356

-------------------------------------------------

: IDEAS FOR HORROR MOVIES WITH VERY SHORT TITLES
  Can print the title big you see

  EX - evil ex 
  HE - evil man
  HO - evil Santa
  HA - evil clown 
  BA - evil sheep

-------------------------------------------------

: THANKS
  EricHitchmough @itskatelliott @mattround tubaman HappyToast Monkeon 

-------------------------------------------------

Next year let's not have #whamageddon and instead
do #whamcember and just play George Michael
records all month because he was great. This is
our TED talk and goodnight.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX MORRIS*,
  *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES PETTS*,
  *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL
  DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper, Nick
  Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam Kaczmarek,
  Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren, Alex
  Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail, Andrew
  Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben, Ben
  Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

How old were you when you learnt you could mute
annoying replies and not spend all day locked in
a battle with a stranger whose mind you'll never
change?

-------------------------------------------------

: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
  For being our biggest patreon

  Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

-------------------------------------------------

The logic of Stoptober & Dry January being two
months apart means you could complete the
sequence by opting out of booze in April & July
too. Just need some catchy names. Abstinencepril
& Juldry. 

-------------------------------------------------

: TOP TIP
  If you fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce
  it will make it look like the person who sat on
  it has followed through. (samgasm)

  Add your own at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips

next issue »
« previous issue