NEWSLETTER: "TURN OFF THE INTERNET. WE WERE WRONG. IT WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Is this a pipe?
* DRUGS - Gove finally takes them for you
* BALLS - Photos of Hitler's balls in 4D
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 719 - 28th Jun 2019
Read this issue whilst googling "Thatcher nudes":
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue719
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What do you get if you cross a French conspiracy
theorist with an omelette?
A flat oeuf.
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making suspicious jam
* FIND THE PIPE - Wildyles writes, "Click the
pipes to find out which one is the pipe, can
you find the pipe? Pipe."
https://wildishandco.co.uk/projects/pipes
* GOVE ON DRUGS - Wwedemason writes, "Another
one I've made for JOE. I would've never started
making these vids, if I hadn't got really
stoned one afternoon whilst watching Jingle All
The Way. 20 years ago."
https://b3ta.com/links/Because_Gove_Got_High
* HIGGS ON THE BEATLES - B3ta favourite John
Higgs has written a fab article pointing out
how pivotal Yesterday was for the Beatles.
We're also looking forward to hearing Higgs on
the EggPod soon.
https://thequietus.com/articles/26699-the-beatles-...
* FOOD BLOG - Colmcq2 writes, "A review of
hospital food because I was there."
https://myfoodeeblog.com/2019/06/09/a-critical-app...
* SHARDCORE MAKES ALGORITHM ENID BLYTON - This
is a bit arty. Be warned. Art this way.
https://twitter.com/erocdrahs/status/1144234948095...
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Reading the egg section on Wikipedia produced a
good fact that amused us:
When chickens age and can no longer produce eggs
it's called...
Wait for it...
THE HENOPAUSE!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henopause
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Flat, slow, clicky video
* JEREMY CUNT COMPILATION - every time someone
in the media has accidentally called Jeremy a
cunt. Stick a beat on it and it's a dance
number 1 waiting to happen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* HOUR LONG MATTHEW SMITH YOUTUBE DOC - OK, not
exactly the production quality we'd really want
but the Matthew Smith story has it all. It's
the rock star dream of making it young, losing
it to substances and then a lifetime of "what
if" for the fans.
https://b3ta.com/links/From_Manic_Miner_to_Jet_Set...
* INSTALLATION FAKER - prank site where you set
your colleagues screens to install Windows 98
like some kind of retro cunt.
https://updatefaker.com/
* COCK BLOCK CHAIN - We've never bothered to
learn much about blockchain, but someone has
drawn a cock on it. Er... Hooray?
https://www.itsnicethat.com/news/first-art-exhibit...
* REJECTED EMOJIS - some dry laughs here.
https://rejectedemojis.tumblr.com/
* TELETEXT SHIT ART - Remember when kids sent
their drawings into Teletext and some poor
fucker had to turn them into blocky pixel art?
Some amusing dross collected here, including a
Simbra clearly thinking "kill me."
http://teletextart.co.uk/teletext-kids-drawings-co...
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BILL: Welcome to my TED talk.
TED: Whoa!
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next
* Joel Veitch writes, "Here's a podcast which
talks about the origins of the Quiznos
Spongmonkeys. I talked to them a while ago but
it came out yesterday, which is good timing
given the recent surge of Spongmonkery. Well
worth a listen if you're interested in this
stuff."
https://rework.fm/we-love-the-subs/
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If you understand "watching the stars" to be a
euphemism for death then "Kelly Watch The Stars"
is a fey ambient pop song about the Blair
administration murdering weapons expert David
Kelly.
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: FRIDAY GAME
It's probably not Friday but it's back
Monkeon got in touch to tell us about this
quirky breakout clone and writes, "It's buggy,
pretty unplayable, and got mostly downvotes on
Reddit until I assume the author deleted his
post. As a concept, however, I rather like
this."
https://brickception.xyz/
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John Lennon writing to claim on his insurance:
Dear Prudential,
Are you coming out to pay?
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE UPDATE
Last week we did Spielberg:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/spielberg/popular/
This week it's classical art mash-ups.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/artmashup/popular
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Film sequels names ala Alien -> Aliens
Titanics
Batmen
Jurassic Parks
The Godfathers
Schindler's Lists
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEKS' ISSUE
Free ideas for some cheap inspiration
* TORY ARSEHOLES - photoshop every single Tory
with an arse replacing their mouth. Stick it on
Amazon books. Legally free photos here:
https://beta.parliament.uk/houses/1AFu55Hs/parties...
* A BOT THAT SHOUTS PARKLIFE - to any verbose
tweet. Then a bot that replies "MODERN LIFE IS
RUBBISH!" to anyone replying "PARKLIFE!" to a
verbose tweet.
* SANDWICH TUBE - Would watch an 11 part
YouTube series where someone makes each of
these sandwiches, in turn, eats them and goes
deep into the sociological history of it all.
https://twitter.com/robnitm/status/861446245583400...
* DRAGONS' DEN PITCH BOT - "It's like Uber but
for wanking" "I'm out" etc etc
Send your shit to BBC TV centre, Woodlane etc
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Celebs with nouns as surnames:
Kate Bush
Michael Fish
Jimmy Nail
John Nettles
Oliver Stone
Nick Drake
Dave Hill
Cheryl Crow
Bill Gates
You get the idea. Bored now.
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: PATREON THANKS
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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How to ruin one of the best Beatles songs,
Something. The bit that goes "You're asking me
will my love grow. I don't know, I don't know."
Imagine that's George Harrison apologising for
not getting an erection. There, that's in your
head as well as ours.
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: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
Mediamasters Podcast
Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/
And if YOU also want to be a big sponsor then
fill "company sponsorship" in on the old
Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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Let's fund the Royal Family by each of us paying
a Royal Family Licence, and if we don't want to
pay say £5 per household per year, we don't get
to watch Trooping The Colour / Royal Wedding on
TV. Deal?
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: TOP TIP
Want to spend less time on Facebook? Simply
befriend people whose every action sends you
into a downward spiral of quivering envy and
paralysing feelings of your own inadequacy as a
human being. (markreynolds95)
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What's the difference between the the song "There
She Goes" the one-time leader of the German Nazi
party? Nothing, both were a hit, la.
