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NEWSLETTER: "TURN OFF THE INTERNET. WE WERE WRONG. IT WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE"

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This Week:
* QUIZ - Is this a pipe?
* DRUGS - Gove finally takes them for you
* BALLS - Photos of Hitler's balls in 4D

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 719 - 28th Jun 2019

Read this issue whilst googling "Thatcher nudes":
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue719

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What do you get if you cross a French conspiracy
theorist with an omelette?
A flat oeuf.

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making suspicious jam

  * FIND THE PIPE -  Wildyles writes, "Click the
  pipes to find out which one is the pipe, can
  you find the pipe? Pipe."
https://wildishandco.co.uk/projects/pipes 

  * GOVE ON DRUGS - Wwedemason writes, "Another
  one I've made for JOE. I would've never started
  making these vids, if I hadn't got really
  stoned one afternoon whilst watching Jingle All
  The Way. 20 years ago."
https://b3ta.com/links/Because_Gove_Got_High

  * HIGGS ON THE BEATLES - B3ta favourite John
  Higgs has written a fab article pointing out
  how pivotal Yesterday was for the Beatles.
  We're also looking forward to hearing Higgs on
  the EggPod soon.
https://thequietus.com/articles/26699-the-beatles-yesterday-lovecraft-john-higgs

  * FOOD BLOG -  Colmcq2 writes, "A review of
  hospital food because I was there."
https://myfoodeeblog.com/2019/06/09/a-critical-appraisal-of-hospital-food/ 

  * SHARDCORE MAKES ALGORITHM ENID BLYTON - This
  is a bit arty. Be warned. Art this way.
https://twitter.com/erocdrahs/status/1144234948095893507  

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Reading the egg section on Wikipedia produced a
good fact that amused us:

When chickens age and can no longer produce eggs
it's called...

Wait for it...

THE HENOPAUSE!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henopause 

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Flat, slow, clicky video

  * JEREMY CUNT COMPILATION - every time someone
  in the media has accidentally called Jeremy a
  cunt. Stick a beat on it and it's a dance
  number 1 waiting to happen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmYwBHooA_M

  * HOUR LONG MATTHEW SMITH YOUTUBE DOC - OK, not
  exactly the production quality we'd really want
  but the Matthew Smith story has it all. It's
  the rock star dream of making it young, losing
  it to substances and then a lifetime of "what
  if" for the fans. 
https://b3ta.com/links/From_Manic_Miner_to_Jet_Set_Willy

  * INSTALLATION FAKER - prank site where you set
  your colleagues screens to install Windows 98
  like some kind of retro cunt.
https://updatefaker.com/ 

  * COCK BLOCK CHAIN  - We've never bothered to
  learn much about blockchain, but someone has
  drawn a cock on it. Er...  Hooray?
https://www.itsnicethat.com/news/first-art-exhibition-on-blockchain-permanent-phallus-digital-050619

  * REJECTED EMOJIS - some dry laughs here.
https://rejectedemojis.tumblr.com/

  * TELETEXT SHIT ART - Remember when kids sent
  their drawings into Teletext and some poor
  fucker had to turn them into blocky pixel art?
  Some amusing dross collected here, including a
  Simbra clearly thinking "kill me."
http://teletextart.co.uk/teletext-kids-drawings-collection

-------------------------------------------------

BILL: Welcome to my TED talk.
TED:  Whoa!

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next
  
  * Joel Veitch writes, "Here's a podcast which
  talks about the origins of the Quiznos
  Spongmonkeys. I talked to them a while ago but
  it came out yesterday, which is good timing
  given the recent surge of Spongmonkery. Well
  worth a listen if you're interested in this
  stuff."
https://rework.fm/we-love-the-subs/

-------------------------------------------------

If you understand "watching the stars" to be a
euphemism for death then "Kelly Watch The Stars"
is a fey ambient pop song about the Blair
administration murdering weapons expert David
Kelly.

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  It's probably not Friday but it's back
  
  Monkeon got in touch to tell us about this
  quirky breakout clone and writes, "It's buggy,
  pretty unplayable, and got mostly downvotes on
  Reddit until I assume the author deleted his
  post. As a concept, however, I rather like
  this."
https://brickception.xyz/ 

-------------------------------------------------

John Lennon writing to claim on his insurance: 

Dear Prudential, 
Are you coming out to pay?

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE UPDATE

  Last week we did Spielberg:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/spielberg/popular/

  This week it's classical art mash-ups.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/artmashup/popular

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Film sequels names ala Alien -> Aliens

Titanics
Batmen
Jurassic Parks
The Godfathers
Schindler's Lists

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEKS' ISSUE
  Free ideas for some cheap inspiration

  * TORY ARSEHOLES - photoshop every single Tory
  with an arse replacing their mouth. Stick it on
  Amazon books. Legally free photos here:
https://beta.parliament.uk/houses/1AFu55Hs/parties/DIifZMjq/members/current

  * A BOT THAT SHOUTS PARKLIFE - to any verbose
  tweet. Then a bot that replies "MODERN LIFE IS
  RUBBISH!" to anyone replying "PARKLIFE!" to a
  verbose tweet.

  * SANDWICH TUBE - Would watch an 11 part
  YouTube series where someone makes each of
  these sandwiches, in turn, eats them and goes
  deep into the sociological history of it all.
https://twitter.com/robnitm/status/861446245583400960

  * DRAGONS' DEN PITCH BOT - "It's like Uber but
  for wanking" "I'm out" etc etc

  Send your shit to BBC TV centre, Woodlane etc
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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Celebs with nouns as surnames:

Kate Bush
Michael Fish
Jimmy Nail
John Nettles
Oliver Stone
Nick Drake
Dave Hill
Cheryl Crow
Bill Gates

You get the idea. Bored now.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Please bung us your cash:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

How to ruin one of the best Beatles songs,
Something. The bit that goes "You're asking me
will my love grow. I don't know, I don't know."
Imagine that's George Harrison apologising for
not getting an erection. There, that's in your
head as well as ours.

-------------------------------------------------

: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
  Mediamasters Podcast

  Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
  newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
  prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
  podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
  like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
  so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/

  And if YOU also want to be a big sponsor then
  fill "company sponsorship" in on the old
  Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

Let's fund the Royal Family by each of us paying
a Royal Family Licence, and if we don't want to
pay say £5 per household per year, we don't get
to watch Trooping The Colour / Royal Wedding on
TV. Deal?

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: TOP TIP
  Want to spend less time on Facebook? Simply
  befriend people whose every action sends you
  into a downward spiral of quivering envy and
  paralysing feelings of your own inadequacy as a
  human being. (markreynolds95)

-------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between the the song "There
She Goes" the one-time leader of the German Nazi
party? Nothing, both were a hit, la.


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