NEWSLETTER: "PETITION: PROROGUE THE INTERNET UNTIL EVERYONE AGREES TO BE NICER"
This Week:
* GAME - "Can we have our ball back mister?"
* GOLD BLEND AD - Remade cheaply on a phone
* HEADLINES - Gashed-up for cheap amusement
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're sticking our heads
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in the sand until it all
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| goes away... together"
B3ta shitto-fax 725 - 31rd Aug 20-n-n-n-n-19
Read this issue whilst pretending to be ham:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue725
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than 5 wanks and 2 sneezes
>> "Can we have our ball back mister?" <<
Matthew Round is back on his bullshit and
creating web games - this one testing your
ability to kick a ball back to some kids, and
the anxiety that you'll fail and the children
will laugh at you. 10 attempts for us - can you
beat us?
https://vole.wtf/kick-the-ball-back/
>> Adverts remade <<
Josh04 writes, "What did you do this weekend?
We made a shot-for-shot remake of the original
1987 'Gold Blend Couple' advert, as voted 20th
best ad campaign of all time by ITV viewers."
We really rather enjoyed this and it's a
project concept with an achievable goal. More
please.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Headline mash-ups <<
Steve2.0 writes, "Was bored at work and reading
the news headlines was no escape as everything
is so bleak, so decided to jumble them up and
create a more interesting world, leading to
another pointless thing on Twitter that you can
smirk at. Still in its infancy."
https://twitter.com/HeadlineShaker
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Postcodes that are also 7th chords:
B7 (Nechells, Birmingham)
E7 (Forest Gate, London)
Further research into this is currently unresolved.
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: CYRIAK BOOK COMPO
Winners announced
We asked you to complete the joke "Why did
Cyriak cross the road?" for 5 signed copies of
his debut novel "Horse Destroys The Universe".
Our favourites:
1. "The sign on the other side said 'Animator
wanted, cash money paid'" (Mehitabel_Itrang)
2. "Because he was being gee-geed on" (CCC)
3. "To avoid an awkward conversation with his
old mates at b3ta" (gub~gub)
4. "Oh my god, it's full of gerbils"
(Thrill_My_Chinchilla)
5. "Why did Cyriak cross the road? Why did the
road cross Cyriak? Why did Cyriak cross the
road? Why did the road cross Cyriak?"
(Dr.Dunno)
Cyriak's debut novel 'Horse Destroys The
Universe' is out on the 29th of August and is
available to order at all good vets:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07NRYZQ...
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Happy 25th Birthday to Suede's Dog Man Star -
titled when Suede's webmaster told Brett to pick
three random words for his password.
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: SITES IN BEEVES
Content made by wankers who spurn our site
* NAME THE COLOURS - Fun crowd-sourced website
which gives you one of sixteen million colours
and asks you to think of a name for it.
Examples for white include: "Woah Thats
Bright!", "Privilege" and "Opposite Black."
Press "get lucky" for more.
https://colornames.org/color/ffffff
* FLAG MASH-UP BOT - Link goes to a UK /
Ireland cross that really has boiled the piss
of the Irish in these times when Brexit has the
potential to carve their island in two just
because some racists didn't like LED bulbs.
https://twitter.com/FlagsMashupBot/status/11663928...
* ONE HTML PAGE CHALLENGE - we've been keeping
an eye on this, as we like the idea, and the
submissions are nice and varied. Nothing overly
stands out yet, though.
https://onehtmlpagechallenge.com
* WHAT WAS BIG ON YOUTUBE TEN YEARS AGO? - Ten
years ago YouTube was making money from
peddling snuff, conspiracy theories and kittens
to millions. How little they've changed.
https://youtubedecade.com
* CAN AI FINISH YOUR ESSAY? - We just asked AI
to complete the phrase "Donald Trump did a shit
in the bed" and the AI did great. Our robot
future is going to be fine. You give it a try.
It's particularly good with slash fiction.
https://talktotransformer.com
* OOOH I COULD DO WITH A "D" - fantastically
nostalgic ad from the 1980s. Anyone know who
directed or wrote this ad? we hope they went on
to make movies - there's so much stuffed into
into every bit of it, we'd happily spend 90
minutes in this world.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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Congratulations to the proofreaders of "Imperial
Legacies: The British Empire Around the World"
who in place of the Black and Tans - the
notorious division of the Royal Irish
Constabulary - they enlightens us as to the
violent role of "the black and trans people" (via
@DJLdistraction)
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Everyday Effects
Here's the best images from last week:
* MONROE - from Ya What
http://b3ta.com/board/11293411
* LIFE IN TOKYO - from S4RK
http://b3ta.com/board/11293281
* DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE USB SLOT - from
cumquat may
http://b3ta.com/board/11293277
* See all the other images from the 'Everyday
Effects' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/everydayeffects/popular...
>> This week: Getting Old <<
We're all getting older and more forgetful and
our knees hurt and we can't see as well as we
used to and the tv has to be a little bit
louder and we're getting more forgetful and our
knees hurt and getting older is hell. Photoshop
everything else getting older to make us feel
better.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gettingold
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: FOLLOWS UPS
What happened next to the B3tan generation
* THERESA IS BACK - We updated the 'Has Theresa
Resigned?' bot to give you a running total of
the prorogue petition - like it fucking
matters. Next week we might pivot it to Theresa
hydration bot. "Theresa says drink water,
bitch!"
https://twitter.com/theresaresigned
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: THE TRAGIC DEATHS OF LESSER-KNOWN MUSICIANS
Three that you might not have heard of
* Abba's drummer Ola Brunkert fell into a glass
door whilst at home, but it didn't kill him
immediately, he was able to apply a towel to
the wound and staggered outside to get help
where he lost consciousness and died alone.
* DJ Kemistry of junglist duo Kemistry & Storm
was killed by a cat's eye that was dislodged by
a van and flew through the windscreen of a car
in which she was a passenger, killing her
instantly.
* Mike Edwards, former cellist with ELO was
killed by a bail of hay that rolled down a hill
and crushed him and his car. No more Blue Skies
for him :(
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S NEWSLETTER
Make history with the newsletter of record
* IS-THE-QUEEN-ON-YOUR-SIDE.COM - an always
up-to-date one-serving website that says...
"no"
* DRINKERWEAR.CO.UK - do a piss take of
drinkaware.co.uk showing the enviable fashion
choices of heavy drinkers.
* PET SHOP BOYS SKETCH - grab the attention of
the youth with a skit about everyone's fav pop
stars and a gag about an album track all the
kids are singing. Neil on the bog intoning
"We're S.H.I.T.T.I.N.G, we're shitting". Chris
in the cubicle next door and he makes a
"plooop" noise on his synth.
Send photos of your tummy bananas to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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The Union = Sex act
of the Snake = penis
is on the climb = Simon le Bon has an erection
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: SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Crowd-sourced japery from the professionLOLS
What's old and white and lies on a bus?
A brexiter.
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: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
Mediamasters Podcast
Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/
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The band Barenaked Ladies are called that because
it lets you do a bit of a joke on the poster to
make people turn up "Tonight! Bare Naked Ladies!"
And that shitty gag that made them giggle for a
few seconds in 1988, they've now been stuck with
for over 30 years. Well done lads.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
Thanking you, the best crew
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
HappyToast. And Cumquat May for the joke.
Newsletter written by a man who should write
instructional books about burglary: Rob Manuel.
Nearly final thought: Dido's break was arguably
having her song Thank You sampled by Eminem for
the melodic hook of his track Stan. In 2011
she had a son called Stanley. Which is quite
sweet we think.
Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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REAL TOP TIP: Here's a neat thing with Amazon
Prime. You can add channels (like the BFI channel
etc) and cancel the free 7-day trial immediately,
it'll continue to give you access to these movies
for the next 7 days.
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