we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY WANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND, REMEMBER: NO TUGS 'TIL TUES"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* AIRPODS - why you should feel bad about them
* WIN A HORSE - with Cyriak dot book dot net
* FREE EGGS - If you keep chickens

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the webs,
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to make a cosy barracks
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   for our spider army"

B3ta e-fax-mail 724 - 24 August(us Gloop) 2019

Read this issue to your mum (+ bore her shitless)
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue724

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than holding in their wanks for mummy

  >> The Death of Airpods <<
  Rowlification writes, "An animation about
  Apple's airpods and their chances of being
  repaired or recycled. Not judging you if you
  own a pair. Please watch / like / share if you
  like it." We enjoyed this although obviously
  you can argue the toss about what disposable
  crap is the worst, hooking it all to a
  currently fashionable technology is one way to
  make a message cut though.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Death_of_Airpods

  >> 2019 :: The Last Summer <<
  Shardcore is still pissing around with
  deep-fakes and he's make Boris morph into
  Trump, and ambitiously built a sort-of plot
  around this. 
http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2019/08/22/2019-the-last-summer/

  >> How to flick Vs with coke bottle & glove <<
  Apparently there's a clip on TikTok where
  people are using a coke bottle and a rubber
  glove to give people "the finger". Your
  editor's son had a go and frankly improved it
  by it not working properly and producing a good
  old British V instead. Result.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1162678268627169280

-------------------------------------------------

The last thing you posted on social media is the
thing people will mournfully like after your
tragic, unexpected death.

-------------------------------------------------

: WIN A SIGNED COPY OF CYRIAK'S HORSE BOOK
  Yes, thank you, free wordy stuff for fre3tans

  As you may know Cyriak AKA Mutated Monty has
  written a science fiction book. We've got FIVE
  SIGNED COPIES to give away. Complete this joke
  "Why did Cyriak cross the road?" and we'll pick
  the winners in a week's time.

  Add your entries to this thread on the
  messageboard.
https://b3ta.com/board/11293514

  Cyriak's debut novel 'Horse Destroys The
  Universe' is out on the 29th of August and is
  available to preorder on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07NRYZQBB/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

Bored? Sing "Jacob! Jacob & sons!" but change it
to "Mumford! Mumford and sons" and then cry a
little bit inside.

-------------------------------------------------

: SHITES IN BEEF
  Stuff made by wankers who spurn our website

  * FOOTBALL MANAGER HAIR ON POLITICIANS -
  Twitter account of the week, well probably of
  last month, as all you lot would have seen it
  by now. However, it's a good format that
  continues to deliver slivers of amusement.
  Which is all we can ask for really, other than
  a quick death.
https://twitter.com/visualsatire

  * FUNNY M.O.T CORNER - Go to the Gov website
  and checkout the MOT history for For RJ04ZYX on
  the 5th June 2015. Well it did work for a bit
  but they fixed it, still, there's a screenshot
  in the link. ALSO: Can someone scrape the MOT
  site for rude words? There's gotta be more like
  this.
https://b3ta.com/links/Go_to_the_gov_website_and_checkout_the_MOT_history

  * SOCIALISM MONOPOLY - the bastards who own
  Monopoly have failed to read the room and made
  a parody version of their board name stuffed
  with tired gags about socialism being terrible.
  Also completely forgetting that the game was
  originally designed as a satire on capitalism.
  Dry lols ahead.
https://twitter.com/nick_kapur/status/1164233656799506433
 
  * GEEK SELF-OWN OF THE WEEK - nerdy man gets
  personal license plate as "NULL" and ends up
  with thousands of dollars worth of fines. Key
  quote: "The 'minimum viable product' concept
  has pushed a lot of bad code through that
  doesn’t go through with the proper level of
  testing." Oh how true.
https://www.wired.com/story/null-license-plate-landed-one-hacker-ticket-hell/

  * SURF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY LIKE IT'S
  1994 - As much as we love the Internet Archive,
  it's not the easiest thing to browse.  This is
  a useful proxy, and flags up interesting sites
  for that quick huff of nostalgia poppers to
  keep your web sphincter loose.
http://theoldnet.com 

-------------------------------------------------

People ask which was the best sitcom, Friends or
Seinfeld?

Both continue to say something about the world
today.

Seinfeld predicted that we would be endlessly
obsessed with the minutiae of modern manners.

Friends predicted that people touching 40 would
still be in flatshares.

-------------------------------------------------

: POP MUSIC HITS, BEFORE THEY HAPPEN
  Music recommendations from cool dads at B3ta

  * ITALIAN SINGS MADE-UP ENGLISH AS IT SOUNDS TO
  HIM - What a video! What a groove! This 1972
  almost-hit is now our current favourite song.
  There's also a Mike 'Oooh me plums' Reid
  version knocking around that has some charm but
  lacks this strangely sexy video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VsmF9m_Nt8

  * SONGS BY CULTS - 1980s new wave song written
  by the paedo-cult Children Of God, warning
  members that they shouldn't visit the
  supermarket because barcodes are mind control.
  Maybe they have a point, not about diddling
  kids, but you know, computers ARE diddling us
  all. Sorry about that, computer fans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lknW2mzXMMY

  * 'RULE OF THREE' MEANS THERE SHOULD BE A THIRD
  RECOMMENDATION - fucked if we care. Go and
  listen to Toyah Willcox or something. She's hip
  and happening.

  ("Thanks cool B3ta dads for these rad tunes to
  fill my Creative NOMAD Jukebox" - our reader
  thinks.)

-------------------------------------------------

Matrix 4 Pitch. Neo patches the Matrix code so it
reboots and without the Beatles existing and he
has a hit record with Yellow Submarine.

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Unlikely Movie Adaptations

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * CARRY ON - from Ninj
http://b3ta.com/board/11292747

  * HITCHCOCK - from Andy_R
http://b3ta.com/board/11292769

  * LEARNERS' TEST - from laplandes
https://b3ta.com/board/11292691

  * See all the other images from the 'Unlikely
  Movie Adaptations' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/unlikelyadaptations/popular/


  >> This week: Everyday Effects <<
  Life is very dull compared to the movies, so
  lets make things more exciting by putting
  special effects in to everyday activities. Give
  us explosions, lens flares and CGI enhancements
  to the most mundane of things.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/everydayeffects

-------------------------------------------------

It's ok to speak ill of the dead if they're the
dead member of the Beastie Boys and in fact had a
'license to ill'

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Trees vs ap

  You play the trees in this game which pits the
  ecosystem against humans. You'll end up really
  hating humanity, if you didn't already. BTW:
  Humans are the only organism that KNOW that
  they are cunts. 
https://avavt.itch.io/seed

-------------------------------------------------

The Beautiful South had five members and three of
them were called Dave. 60% Dave. Ewww.

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOWS UPS
  What happened next to the B3tan generation 

  * OK THIS IS A SORT OF A SECOND PROMO FOR
  CYRIAK - An interview with Mutated Monty about
  books and hedges and things.
https://unbound.com/boundless/2019/08/20/how-can-a-horse-destroy-the-universe/

  * B3TANS IN A PODCAST I KNOW, I KNOW IT'S
  SERIOUS - news reaches us that Shardcore and Dr
  Kate Devlin are in the 'Level Up Human'
  podcast. Not out yet, but soon.
https://twitter.com/drkatedevlin/status/1164154107017519104

  * SEXY BOOKY LOOKY - Dr Kate Devlin has also
  written a serious book about sex robots. You
  want to read about sex robots don't you? Yes
  you do. Who doesn't want a handjob from Alexa
  or sloppy seconds from Siri? Two for us please
  and a USB port up the arsehole.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/1472950895/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

Apologies to our readers called Dave for that
previous aside.

-------------------------------------------------

: SPUNK ON NEXT WEEK'S TISSUE
  Become "electronic e-famous" with b3ta dot eu

  * POUNCE ON THE NEED FOR TAYLOR SWIFT 'LONDON
  BOY' CONTENT - take her lyric "I love the
  English" and ask some Scots & Irish for their
  thoughts on this. And obviously only publish
  the most splenetic reactions.

  * HOW LEFT-WING IS MY FACE? Upload photo;
  public votes; you know how this shit works. Do
  it as an app if you insist that websites are
  over. (Also make "How Tory Are My Tits?" if
  that's your baguette.)
https://twitter.com/BestoftheMail/status/1164838155947610112

  * USELESS HUMAN BLOCKER - A function for real
  life that when someone is repeating a tedious
  pop culture factoid that everyone already knows
  like "Frank Beard was the only member of ZZ Top
  not to have beard", it deposits illegal images
  to their laptop and calls the police. Nonce
  jail is too good for them.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

"Look ma, no hands!" the helicopter pilot said as
he threw up his hands from the controls and into
the blades where they were cut off and went
"wheeeee!" into the distance.

-------------------------------------------------

: SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
  Crowd-sourced japery from the professionLOLS  

  This week it's over to the legendary Spacefish
  who wishes to apologise for writing a gag:

  What do you call a big reptile that gets
  someone else to bite you? A deligator.

  Why not write one yourself?
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/all/

-------------------------------------------------

: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
  Mediamasters Podcast

  Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
  newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
  prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
  podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
  like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
  so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/

-------------------------------------------------

Imagining that Kubrick faked the landings is
missing out on the fun possibilities of other
directors. Like whoever made the Carry On films
or Woody Allen.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  Thanking you, the best crew

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
  HappyToast - also Fadgebadger & Tribs. Joke
  from Spacefish.

  Final thought: imagine Empire magazine but
  published three months late so everything in it
  is available to stream / download.

  Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

  What do you call a cunt who writes about
  underwater boats?
  Subscribe, you cunt.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe

next issue »
« previous issue