we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "PETITION: PROROGUE THE INTERNET UNTIL EVERYONE AGREES TO BE NICER"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* GAME - "Can we have our ball back mister?"
* GOLD BLEND AD - Remade cheaply on a phone
* HEADLINES - Gashed-up for cheap amusement

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're sticking our heads
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in the sand until it all
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  goes away... together"

B3ta shitto-fax 725 - 31rd Aug 20-n-n-n-n-19

Read this issue whilst pretending to be ham:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue725

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than 5 wanks and 2 sneezes

  >> "Can we have our ball back mister?" <<
  Matthew Round is back on his bullshit and
  creating web games - this one testing your
  ability to kick a ball back to some kids, and
  the anxiety that you'll fail and the children
  will laugh at you. 10 attempts for us - can you
  beat us?
https://vole.wtf/kick-the-ball-back/

  >> Adverts remade <<
  Josh04 writes, "What did you do this weekend?
  We made a shot-for-shot remake of the original
  1987 'Gold Blend Couple' advert, as voted 20th
  best ad campaign of all time by ITV viewers."
  We really rather enjoyed this and it's a
  project concept with an achievable goal. More
  please.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gza8ZuhWhGE

  >> Headline mash-ups <<
  Steve2.0 writes, "Was bored at work and reading
  the news headlines was no escape as everything
  is so bleak, so decided to jumble them up and
  create a more interesting world, leading to
  another pointless thing on Twitter that you can
  smirk at. Still in its infancy."
https://twitter.com/HeadlineShaker

-------------------------------------------------

Postcodes that are also 7th chords:
B7 (Nechells, Birmingham) 
E7 (Forest Gate, London)
Further research into this is currently unresolved.

-------------------------------------------------

: CYRIAK BOOK COMPO
  Winners announced 

  We asked you to complete the joke "Why did
  Cyriak cross the road?" for 5 signed copies of
  his debut novel "Horse Destroys The Universe".

  Our favourites:

  1. "The sign on the other side said 'Animator
  wanted, cash money paid'" (Mehitabel_Itrang)
  2. "Because he was being gee-geed on" (CCC)
  3. "To avoid an awkward conversation with his
  old mates at b3ta" (gub~gub)
  4. "Oh my god, it's full of gerbils"
  (Thrill_My_Chinchilla)
  5. "Why did Cyriak cross the road? Why did the
  road cross Cyriak? Why did Cyriak cross the
  road? Why did the road cross Cyriak?"
  (Dr.Dunno)

  Cyriak's debut novel 'Horse Destroys The
  Universe' is out on the 29th of August and is
  available to order at all good vets:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07NRYZQBB/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

Happy 25th Birthday to Suede's Dog Man Star -
titled when Suede's webmaster told Brett to pick
three random words for his password.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEVES
  Content made by wankers who spurn our site

  * NAME THE COLOURS - Fun crowd-sourced website
  which gives you one of sixteen million colours
  and asks you to think of a name for it.
  Examples for white include: "Woah Thats
  Bright!", "Privilege" and "Opposite Black."
  Press "get lucky" for more.
https://colornames.org/color/ffffff

  * FLAG MASH-UP BOT - Link goes to a UK /
  Ireland cross that really has boiled the piss
  of the Irish in these times when Brexit has the
  potential to carve their island in two just
  because some racists didn't like LED bulbs.
https://twitter.com/FlagsMashupBot/status/1166392868501643264

  * ONE HTML PAGE CHALLENGE - we've been keeping
  an eye on this, as we like the idea, and the
  submissions are nice and varied. Nothing overly
  stands out yet, though.
https://onehtmlpagechallenge.com

  * WHAT WAS BIG ON YOUTUBE TEN YEARS AGO? - Ten
  years ago YouTube was making money from
  peddling snuff, conspiracy theories and kittens
  to millions.  How little they've changed.
https://youtubedecade.com

  * CAN AI FINISH YOUR ESSAY? - We just asked AI
  to complete the phrase "Donald Trump did a shit
  in the bed" and the AI did great. Our robot
  future is going to be fine. You give it a try.
  It's particularly good with slash fiction.
https://talktotransformer.com

 * OOOH I COULD DO WITH A "D" - fantastically
 nostalgic ad from the 1980s. Anyone know who
 directed or wrote this ad? we hope they went on
 to make movies - there's so much stuffed into
 into every bit of it, we'd happily spend 90
 minutes in this world.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZskExmLCTIM

-------------------------------------------------

Congratulations to the proofreaders of "Imperial
Legacies: The British Empire Around the World"
who in place of the Black and Tans - the
notorious division of the Royal Irish
Constabulary - they enlightens us as to the
violent role of "the black and trans people" (via
@DJLdistraction)

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Everyday Effects

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * MONROE - from Ya What
http://b3ta.com/board/11293411

  * LIFE IN TOKYO - from S4RK
http://b3ta.com/board/11293281

  * DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO THE USB SLOT - from
  cumquat may
http://b3ta.com/board/11293277

  * See all the other images from the 'Everyday
  Effects' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/everydayeffects/popular/

  >> This week: Getting Old <<
  We're all getting older and more forgetful and
  our knees hurt and we can't see as well as we
  used to and the tv has to be a little bit
  louder and we're getting more forgetful and our
  knees hurt and getting older is hell. Photoshop
  everything else getting older to make us feel
  better.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/gettingold

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOWS UPS
  What happened next to the B3tan generation 

  * THERESA IS BACK - We updated the 'Has Theresa
  Resigned?' bot to give you a running total of
  the prorogue petition - like it fucking
  matters. Next week we might pivot it to Theresa
  hydration bot. "Theresa says drink water,
  bitch!"
https://twitter.com/theresaresigned

-------------------------------------------------

: THE TRAGIC DEATHS OF LESSER-KNOWN MUSICIANS
  Three that you might not have heard of 

  * Abba's drummer Ola Brunkert fell into a glass
  door whilst at home, but it didn't kill him
  immediately, he was able to apply a towel to
  the wound and staggered outside to get help
  where he lost consciousness and died alone.

  * DJ Kemistry of junglist duo Kemistry & Storm
  was killed by a cat's eye that was dislodged by
  a van and flew through the windscreen of a car
  in which she was a passenger, killing her
  instantly.

  * Mike Edwards, former cellist with ELO was
  killed by a bail of hay that rolled down a hill
  and crushed him and his car. No more Blue Skies
  for him :(

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S NEWSLETTER
  Make history with the newsletter of record

  * IS-THE-QUEEN-ON-YOUR-SIDE.COM - an always
  up-to-date one-serving website that says...
  "no"

  * DRINKERWEAR.CO.UK - do a piss take of
  drinkaware.co.uk showing the enviable fashion
  choices of heavy drinkers.

  * PET SHOP BOYS SKETCH - grab the attention of
  the youth with a skit about everyone's fav pop
  stars and a gag about an album track all the
  kids are singing. Neil on the bog intoning
  "We're S.H.I.T.T.I.N.G, we're shitting". Chris
  in the cubicle next door and he makes a
  "plooop" noise on his synth. 

  Send photos of your tummy bananas to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

The Union = Sex act
of the Snake = penis
is on the climb  = Simon le Bon has an erection

-------------------------------------------------

: SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
  Crowd-sourced japery from the professionLOLS  

  What's old and white and lies on a bus?
  A brexiter.

-------------------------------------------------

: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
  Mediamasters Podcast

  Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
  newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
  prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
  podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
  like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
  so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/

-------------------------------------------------

The band Barenaked Ladies are called that because
it lets you do a bit of a joke on the poster to
make people turn up "Tonight! Bare Naked Ladies!"
And that shitty gag that made them giggle for a
few seconds in 1988, they've now been stuck with
for over 30 years. Well done lads.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS
  Thanking you, the best crew

  * BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
  MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
  PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
  *MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
  *ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
  *BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
  BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
  *CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
  MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
  *JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
  *MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
  *PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
  NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
  GOODE

  * BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
  @MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
  INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
  DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
  ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
  WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
  AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
  WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
  COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
  FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
  MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
  BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
  GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
  SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
  FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
  TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
  DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
  AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
  GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
  DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
  DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
  BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
  FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
  LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
  GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
  GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
  NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
  COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
  IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
  RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
  JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
  JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
  O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
  JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
  ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
  DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
  MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
  MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
  FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
  HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
  WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
  THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, J&#463;M
  MCN&#463;VEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
  PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
  MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
  WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
  HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
  MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
  COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
  MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
  MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
  CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
  BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
  PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
  PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
  PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
  RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
  MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
  AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
  ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
  ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
  RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
  RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
  SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
  MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
  STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
  ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
  SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
  ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
  TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
  REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
  TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
  WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
  APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
  CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
  JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
  CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
  ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
  ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
  CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
  NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
  KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
  STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
  MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
  KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
  RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
  TIM BEACHY

  * BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
  Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
  Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
  Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
  Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
  Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
  Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
  Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
  Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
  Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
  Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
  Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
  Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
  John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
  Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
  Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
  Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
  Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
  Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
  Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
  Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
  Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
  Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
  Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
  Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
  Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
  Philadelphia.

  Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
  HappyToast. And Cumquat May for the joke.

  Newsletter written by a man who should write
  instructional books about burglary: Rob Manuel.

  Nearly final thought: Dido's break was arguably
  having her song Thank You sampled by Eminem for
  the melodic hook of his track Stan.  In 2011
  she had a son called Stanley. Which is quite
  sweet we think.

  Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

REAL TOP TIP: Here's a neat thing with Amazon
Prime. You can add channels (like the BFI channel
etc) and cancel the free 7-day trial immediately,
it'll continue to give you access to these movies
for the next 7 days.

-------------------------------------------------

  What do you call a cunt who writes about
  underwater boats? Subscribe, you cunt.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe

next issue »
« previous issue