NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL LIFT THE CURSE THAT'S BEEN BLIGHTING YOUR LIFE"
This Week:
* PLACEHOLDERS - Just like Ian Curtis made them
* GAME - Zookoban - animal puzzle game
* FESSHOLE - Chris Packham confirms story
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're memeing the plums
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | that were in the icebox
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta e-fax 739 - 27th Jan 2020
Read this issue after phoning 666 for Satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue739
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: SPONSORED LINK(!)
B3tan writes book
Long-time B3tan Dr Whom has written a book.
It's called Before and After and is about a
601lb diabetic who needs his leg amputating.
He's being lifted out of his flat by crane when
the world ends. Buy Before and After NOW. (And
please do,so we don't feel guilty for taking
his money.
http://www.helpbiscuits.com/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than converting gerbils into soup
>> Joy Division placeholders <<
Stefan Bohacek's come up with a neat idea:
generative images as placeholders in a website.
Bot lorem-ipsum for images. With added Joy
Division.
https://generative-placeholders.glitch.me
>> Zookoban - animal puzzle game <<
A 2d pixel-art puzzle game in which you help
your animal pals escape the zoo. By Newington.
http://versificator.itch.io/zookoban
>> Shitpatch Gardening <<
Pig Face Turnip writes, "A gardening show for
people without gardens who now can have a
garden."
http://b3ta.com/links/1531999
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The Amstrad CPC464 User Guide was intended as a
warning, not an instruction manual.
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, confessed in lurid detail
Our favs this week:
* UNCIVIL WAR - "I think the entire country
should just dress up in the colours of the
party they are voting for, and have a fight to
the death. Of course it's fully possible I'd
get wiped out by some 6'8 tory farmer, but not
before I've taken out at least 60, 70 racist
grans."
* SHOPPING WANKER - "At the scales in a branch
of Morrisons I weighed & printed out individual
labels for 20 Brussels Sprouts. Then lined them
up single file on the checkout conveyor belt.
The lady on the checkout was unimpressed and
told me to grow up."
* CATCHPHRASE PENETRATION - "During intercourse
with my wife I used to say 'Hello, we're in' in
the voice of popular 90's TV angler John Wilson
MBE, right at the moment of penetration. We've
been divorced 15 years." (Replies also suggest
'All Aboard The Ninky-Nonk would be good.)
Join the over 50,000 people following and
contributing to Fesshole.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
BTW: Also amazing, what a brilliant sport Chris
Packham is about this utter nonsense and
confirming the first ever bit of truth published
by Fesshole.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1220377276547...
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Articles are just long tweets written by losers
who can't edit their thoughts down to a tweet.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Flat, slow, clicky video
* SCIENCE DIAGRAMS THAT LOOK LIKE SHITPOSTS -
does what it says on the tin and impressive
growth. Zero to 250k in less than a month.
That's how to do it.
https://twitter.com/scienceshitpost
* RASPBERRY PI POWERED LIVE TRAIN STATION BOARD
- small project for your next weekend alone, in
between the sobbing.
https://www.balena.io/blog/build-a-raspberry-pi-po...
* THIS WEEK IN STARTUPS REINVENTING THINGS: the
handkerchief. FFS, tech bros.
https://lasttissue.lastobject.com
* PARIS HILTON TEACHES US HOW TO MAKE LASAGNE -
38 y/o woman cooks lasagne with all the skill
and insight of a 10 y/o who has watched her mum
cook a few times. Compelling.
http://b3ta.com/links/1531863
* IT'S NOT EASY BEING WHITE - Lozza Fox has
gone from obscurity to fame by being a cunt on
Question Time and here's his brilliant new
song.
https://b3ta.com/links/Its_Not_Easy_Being_White
* RADIATOR BLEEDING WITH CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTON
- nice parody of shite TV with some guy who
used to be on Cracker.
https://b3ta.com/links/Radiator_Bleeding_with_Chri...
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There’s more people who need to be told their
imposter syndrome is real and fewer who need to
get over it
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Letter Change Computer Games
Here's the best images from last week:
* *WAGGLE* - (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/11304408
* WATCH OUT FOR THOSE FINGER GUNS - (Pizopop)
http://b3ta.com/board/11304266
* G'NIGHT - (PedroHin)
http://b3ta.com/board/11304338
* See all the other images from the 'Letter
Change Computer Games' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/letterchangegames/popula...
>> This week: Monty Python <<
It's a week of Monty Python related pictures
and gifs. Because? Terry Jones.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/montypython/popular/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make some bollocks and send it to us
* BBC GONE - Pitch: BBC Obits Channel. It only
fires up when someone interesting dies &
immediately shows their films / interviews /
songs plus guests, whoever rolls by the studio
with something to say. Why? Coz we wanted to
revel in Terry Jones and had to make do with
Netflix & some tweets.
* TWEETS WITH SOUND - Your b3ta editor dreamt
he'd made Twitter account. Most ideas in dreams
are incoherent but this was weirdly 100% doable.
It was called @withsoundfx took tweets (often
photos) and repost them with comedy sound
effects like heavy breathing etc. If anyone
wants this dream idea, go ahead.
* TWO RONNIES REMIX - "If you re-edit the Two
Ronnies' Mastermind sketch so that Ronnie B is
asking the right question, the audience is just
pissing themselves laughing at the correct
answers." says the tweet, but why not also make
a remix version that plays a random answer for
a random question for all eternity?
https://twitter.com/Darren_Dutton/status/121902107...
Send your cyber cucumbers to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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We fact-checked the Stones lyric "I was born in a
crossfire hurricane", worked out when Jagger was
born and looked up 1940s weather reports. Then
put a good 30 minutes trying to craft this into a
"Mick, gotcha, you're a liar" before realising it
was as reference to the Blitz. So that's this bit
fucked.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people
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MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
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