NEWSLETTER: "TIME TO PANIC-TORRENT 1000GB OF BERGERAC EPISODES LADS"
This Week:
* YOKO ONO - Sings the Star Trek theme at last
* NAGGY STATE BOT - That tells you to wash hands
* CONFESSION - Celeb lookalike dumped!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Shut in and using the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the internet as normal
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| since 2001... together"
B3ta email 742 - 16th Mar 2020
Read this issue in your pants coz fuck work:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue742
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than making suspicious jam
>> Yoko Ono sings all pops hits <<
We're big fans of Yoko at B3ta Towers and we
were delighted when Monkeon picked up our
suggestion that a generator would work with
that clip of Yoko screaming so she could
perform ALL the hits. "I reckon it works best
on Crazy in Love, where she seems to just be
doing the intro properly", writes Monkeon,
"The Star Trek theme is good too."
https://monkeon.co.uk/karayoko/
>> Wash your hands (a bot) <<
Your editor has made a Twatter bot to remind
people to wash their hands. Predictably it's
rather sweary but we're quite surprised that
it actually works. We've washed our hands over
the last few days more times than since we did
those murders.
https://twitter.com/_washyourhands_
>> Coronavirus playlist <<
We were thinking about how in the Iraq War,
the BBC banned a load of songs that would
sound inappropriate after a news broadcast.
"100 dead and here's Massive Attack!" etc. We
figured they might be doing a similar list now
with the coronavirus. You know: I Just Died In
Your Arms Tonight, Don't Stand So Close To Me
etc. With the help of a bit of crowdsourcing,
here's your playlist.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2xec62JuGgPZhlsl...
>> Terry Gilliam 2.0 <<
You might have been saddened by the recent
death of Terry Gilliam (Sorry, reactionary
comments from an old bloke, same thing), but
the good news is that Drivelsieve is here to
take his place. "I made these pictures move",
he says. There you go, we don't need Gilliam
now.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_these_pictures_move_...
>> How to garden your "shitpatch" <<
You know those bits of earth you get in a
pavement with maybe a tree? You know, where
dogs shit? Well, Pig Face Turnip has produced
"A gardening show for those without a garden
who now can have a garden." This month sees
triumph, disaster and cat scarers on his
shitpatch.
https://b3ta.com/links/Shitpatch_Gardening_Februar...
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: FESSHOLE
Anonymous confessions corner
Each week we select the shittiest material
from our anonymous confessions account and
publish it. Here's the worst, no sorry, best:
* DUMPED - "Dumped my first serious girlfriend
using some shit excuse when in reality I was
doing her from behind, she turned around to
look at me & hand on heart I don't know why
but she looked the absolute fucking double of
Graham Norton & I couldnt get it out of my
mind."
* STONED - "It's my day off, I found some weed
in my son's bedroom this morning and smoked it
in the back garden. I've been stoned off my
box for two hours, and have eaten all of the
cheese left over from Christmas - fucking
brilliant...I'm 49, best day off ever!"
* REVENGE - "Rugby captain at school made my
life a misery. He also worked at a local pub,
school hero. Went back 10 years later, found
him still working there. Ordered a round, made
sure I asked for the Guinness last."
Make sure you join the 62,000 utter cunts
who've followed this bollocks so far. Jesus
wept, you idiots.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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It's good to know that you dodged a bullet in
that the person who you lusted after at school
is now a "prosecco o'clock" person on Facebook.
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: I AM THE EGGPOD - THE BEATLES PODCAST
Ft Jason Hazeley of Ladybird books for grown-ups
Chris Shaw's Beatles podcast continues and
this week features the writer Jason Hazeley
who offers up the quite brilliant theory that
Let It Be was never released and the superior
LP Get It Back was released instead. It all
makes sense. Do listen, and right this wrong
in your fabs' head-canon.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2020/03/07/get-back-jason...
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: CAN YOU DESIGN ASCII ART?
Spurn unicode for dollar
Matt Round is offering HARD CASH for ascii art
and writes, "Does anyone out there want to
create some new Alien monsterASCII ARTAlien
monster for the vole site’s source code? Can
only offer token payment but like the idea of
commissioning artwork that’ll be tucked away
in there."
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1235972003468...
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SEO has ruined comedy, humour, jokes, laughs, lols, rofls, amusement, gags, jocular entertainment.
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: SITES IN BEEF
The delicious OXO taste of other people's content
* GHOSTBUSTERS SONG WITHOUT GHOSTS - genius
bit of song rewriting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SEEING CASSETTE AUDIO - Did you know you
can SEE the music on a cassette tape? This
special device uses suspended iron filings in
oil, and they all align with the magnetic info
recorded there to show the shape of the audio.
That Techmoan has done a great video about it.
We love you Matt.
https://youtube.com/watch
* DEAL OR NO DEAL WITH WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES -
brilliant quiz format. Someone should remake
it with chart data from the 1980s. That's the
game we want to play the SHIT OUT OF RIGHT
NOW.
https://matthewhollett.com/bigdeal/
* FIRST 30 ISSUES OF VIZ ON INTERNET ARCHIVE -
we were almost tempted to turn this into a bot
but can't be arsed to write code that looks
for boxes so it shares just a frame instead of
the whole page. Maybe you can do that?
https://archive.org/details/vizuk026octobernovembe...
* FUCK OFF KIDS - Keep teenagers off your
website with this javascript snippet. We don't
need unworkable age verification checks after
all.
http://tholman.com/mosquito-js/
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Neil Tennant argues that it was important for
Pet Shop Boys to rap with an English accent
rather than American. However Neil is from
Newcastle, so an authentic Tennant rap would be
like Gazza doing Fog On The Tyne.
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: PODCAST OF THE WEEK
The Case Of The Missing Hit
Dude remembers a song. The world doesn't
remember it. What happens next will satisfy
you in a way that only audio storytelling can.
https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/o2h8bx/158...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Add things to todays news photos
Here's the best images from last week from
LS18, 2kindsofherring and Ailliagtor:
http://b3ta.com/board/11308147
http://b3ta.com/board/11308149
http://b3ta.com/board/11308176
* See all the other images from the 'Add
things to todays news photos' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/addthingstotodaysnews/po...
>> This week: Coronavirus <<
Looks like this will be topical for a while,
so we're starting a long running image
challenge to keep us laughing as society
coughs its last
http://b3ta.com/challenge/coronavirus/popular/
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on older b3ta bollocks
* SWEARCLOCK GETS OFFICIAL KFC APPROVAL -
quite why KFC decided to fuck with their brand
by quote tweeting the sweariest clock in
Britian, we don't know, but we're amused that
the Daily Star bothered to write it up.
https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/kfc-sh...
* DEATH ROULETTE GETS FANCY ARTICLE - The
roundster writes, "This is an interesting take
on some issues raised by my Death Roulette and
other 'LOL the past was grim' stuff"
https://www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/arts-and-books/...
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The 7 longest words in Beatles lyrics
Grandchildren
Investigation
Misunderstood
Thoughtlessly
Disappointment
Confidentially
Misunderstanding
All a bit negative except for grandchildren.
Maybe long words are more likely to be shitty
generally?
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: PATREON THANKS
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