we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "TIME TO PANIC-TORRENT 1000GB OF BERGERAC EPISODES LADS"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* YOKO ONO - Sings the Star Trek theme at last
* NAGGY STATE BOT - That tells you to wash hands
* CONFESSION - Celeb lookalike dumped!

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Shut in and using the 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  the internet as normal
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  since 2001... together"

B3ta email 742 - 16th Mar 2020

Read this issue in your pants coz fuck work:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue742

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making suspicious jam

  >> Yoko Ono sings all pops hits <<
  We're big fans of Yoko at B3ta Towers and we
  were delighted when Monkeon picked up our
  suggestion that a generator would work with
  that clip of Yoko screaming so she could
  perform ALL the hits. "I reckon it works best
  on Crazy in Love, where she seems to just be
  doing the intro properly", writes Monkeon,
  "The Star Trek theme is good too."
https://monkeon.co.uk/karayoko/

  >> Wash your hands (a bot) <<
  Your editor has made a Twatter bot to remind
  people to wash their hands. Predictably it's
  rather sweary but we're quite surprised that
  it actually works. We've washed our hands over
  the last few days more times than since we did
  those murders.
https://twitter.com/_washyourhands_

  >> Coronavirus playlist << 
  We were thinking about how in the Iraq War,
  the BBC banned a load of songs that would
  sound inappropriate after a news broadcast.
  "100 dead and here's Massive Attack!" etc. We
  figured they might be doing a similar list now
  with the coronavirus. You know: I Just Died In
  Your Arms Tonight, Don't Stand So Close To Me
  etc. With the help of a bit of crowdsourcing,
  here's your playlist. 
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2xec62JuGgPZhlslWneff2

  >> Terry Gilliam 2.0 <<
  You might have been saddened by the recent
  death of Terry Gilliam (Sorry, reactionary
  comments from an old bloke, same thing), but
  the good news is that Drivelsieve is here to
  take his place. "I made these pictures move",
  he says. There you go, we don't need Gilliam
  now.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_made_these_pictures_move_February_2020

  >> How to garden your "shitpatch" <<
  You know those bits of earth you get in a
  pavement with maybe a tree? You know, where
  dogs shit? Well, Pig Face Turnip has produced
  "A gardening show for those without a garden
  who now can have a garden." This month sees
  triumph, disaster and cat scarers on his
  shitpatch.
https://b3ta.com/links/Shitpatch_Gardening_February

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Anonymous confessions corner

  Each week we select the shittiest material
  from our anonymous confessions account and
  publish it. Here's the worst, no sorry, best:

  * DUMPED - "Dumped my first serious girlfriend
  using some shit excuse when in reality I was
  doing her from behind, she turned around to
  look at me & hand on heart I don't know why
  but she looked the absolute fucking double of
  Graham Norton & I couldnt get it out of my
  mind."

  * STONED - "It's my day off, I found some weed
  in my son's bedroom this morning and smoked it
  in the back garden. I've been stoned off my
  box for two hours, and have eaten all of the
  cheese left over from Christmas - fucking
  brilliant...I'm 49, best day off ever!"

  * REVENGE - "Rugby captain at school made my
  life a misery. He also worked at a local pub,
  school hero. Went back 10 years later, found
  him still working there. Ordered a round, made
  sure I asked for the Guinness last."

    Make sure you join the 62,000 utter cunts
    who've followed this bollocks so far. Jesus
    wept, you idiots.
https://twitter.com/fesshole

-------------------------------------------------

It's good to know that you dodged a bullet in
that the person who you lusted after at school
is now a "prosecco o'clock" person on Facebook.

-------------------------------------------------

: I AM THE EGGPOD - THE BEATLES PODCAST
  Ft Jason Hazeley of Ladybird books for grown-ups

  Chris Shaw's Beatles podcast continues and
  this week features the writer Jason Hazeley
  who offers up the quite brilliant theory that
  Let It Be was never released and the superior
  LP Get It Back was released instead. It all
  makes sense. Do listen, and right this wrong
  in your fabs' head-canon.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2020/03/07/get-back-jason-hazeley/


-------------------------------------------------

: CAN YOU DESIGN ASCII ART?
  Spurn unicode for dollar 

  Matt Round is offering HARD CASH for ascii art
  and writes, "Does anyone out there want to
  create some new Alien monsterASCII ARTAlien
  monster for the vole site’s source code? Can
  only offer token payment but like the idea of
  commissioning artwork that’ll be tucked away
  in there."
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1235972003468906497

-------------------------------------------------

SEO has ruined comedy, humour, jokes, laughs, lols, rofls, amusement, gags, jocular entertainment.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEF
  The delicious OXO taste of other people's content

  * GHOSTBUSTERS SONG WITHOUT GHOSTS - genius
  bit of song rewriting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tdyU_gW6WE
 
  * SEEING CASSETTE AUDIO -  Did you know you
  can SEE the music on a cassette tape? This
  special device uses suspended iron filings in
  oil, and they all align with the magnetic info
  recorded there to show the shape of the audio.
  That Techmoan has done a great video about it.
  We love you Matt.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=aZOxn8ggX8w&t=29s

  * DEAL OR NO DEAL WITH WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES -
  brilliant quiz format. Someone should remake
  it with chart data from the 1980s. That's the
  game we want to play the SHIT OUT OF RIGHT
  NOW.
https://matthewhollett.com/bigdeal/

  * FIRST 30 ISSUES OF VIZ ON INTERNET ARCHIVE -
  we were almost tempted to turn this into a bot
  but can't be arsed to write code that looks
  for boxes so it shares just a frame instead of
  the whole page. Maybe you can do that?
https://archive.org/details/vizuk026octobernovember1987/page/n11/mode/2up

  * FUCK OFF KIDS - Keep teenagers off your
  website with this javascript snippet. We don't
  need unworkable age verification checks after
  all.
http://tholman.com/mosquito-js/

-------------------------------------------------

Neil Tennant argues that it was important for
Pet Shop Boys to rap with an English accent
rather than American. However Neil is from
Newcastle, so an authentic Tennant rap would be
like Gazza doing Fog On The Tyne.

-------------------------------------------------

: PODCAST OF THE WEEK
  The Case Of The Missing Hit

  Dude remembers a song. The world doesn't
  remember it. What happens next will satisfy
  you in a way that only audio storytelling can.
https://gimletmedia.com/shows/reply-all/o2h8bx/158-the-case-of-the-missing-hit

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Add things to todays news photos

  Here's the best images from last week from
  LS18, 2kindsofherring and Ailliagtor:
http://b3ta.com/board/11308147
http://b3ta.com/board/11308149
http://b3ta.com/board/11308176

  * See all the other images from the 'Add
  things to todays news photos' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/addthingstotodaysnews/popular/

  >> This week: Coronavirus <<
  Looks like this will be topical for a while,
  so we're starting a long running image
  challenge to keep us laughing as society
  coughs its last
http://b3ta.com/challenge/coronavirus/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS 
  What happened next on older b3ta bollocks

  * SWEARCLOCK GETS OFFICIAL KFC APPROVAL -
  quite why KFC decided to fuck with their brand
  by quote tweeting the sweariest clock in
  Britian, we don't know, but we're amused that
  the Daily Star bothered to write it up.
https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/weird-news/kfc-shocks-followers-after-retweeting-21646288

  * DEATH ROULETTE GETS FANCY ARTICLE - The
  roundster writes, "This is an interesting take
  on some issues raised by my Death Roulette and
  other 'LOL the past was grim' stuff"
https://www.prospectmagazine.co.uk/arts-and-books/you-died-of-wormes-what-an-online-death-roulette-game-can-teach-us-about-pandemics

-------------------------------------------------

The 7 longest words in Beatles lyrics

Grandchildren
Investigation
Misunderstood
Thoughtlessly
Disappointment
Confidentially
Misunderstanding

All a bit negative except for grandchildren.
Maybe long words are more likely to be shitty
generally?

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt

  Please join the patreon so we can afford to
  eat. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben
  Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch - and even newer
  ones Clemence Saussez, Derek Colley and Martin
  Pritchard. And a special thanks to Stephanie
  Wissinger.
http://patreon.com/b3ta

next issue »
« previous issue