NEWSLETTER: "PIZZA IS CHEESE ON TOAST WITH BETTER MARKETING. CHANGE MY MIND"
This Week:
* AI-BASED NEGGING - How old do you look on video chat?
* NOVELTY TUNES - Randomised like INT(RND*38)
* SHEDS - Yes, sheds, sorry about that
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not going outdoors,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | as usual, and certainly
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| not together"
B3ta electro-e:mail 744 - 24th Apr 2020
Cough this issue on Zoom to your gran:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue744
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than self-isolating with Teletext
>> Random novelty records <<
Monkeon has built a tool to resurface terrible
old novelty records on YouTube. He writes "The
thinking is that most stuff on YouTube flies
below their recommendation algorithm, and so
by linking their search to the discogs
database of novelty records, it would turn up
curios with 10 plays (turns out it also finds
plenty of horrific stuff by Jim Davidson)."
We're just happy that it threw up Golf Girl by
Neil. TUNE!
https://monkeon.co.uk/stupidjukebox/
>> What's Your Webcam Age? <<
Matt Round writes, "Let the fancy neural
network judge how old you look in video chats.
Don't blame me if you don't like the results,
I didn't train the monster, I merely cloned it
and set it loose!" We like this, as we found
by pulling different faces we could get it to
tell us we look 19 years younger.
https://vole.wtf/webcam-age/
>> Which Shed Is the Best Shed Out of All the Sheds? <<
Unclewilco writes, "We've been running
#shedoftheyear now since 2007 and you b3tans
have supported us even when we went corporate
a few years back and got a TV show. Now that
phase of shedism is over, don't worry we're
still celebrating sheds as much as we did. So
here is a Vote to decide the best shed out of
all the winners we have had the last 12-odd
years."
https://www.shedblog.co.uk/2020/04/04/the-ultimate...
>> The Clouds Aweigh children's book<<
Dr Dunno (AKA children's author Chris Drew
Barker) writes, "I've finished the fourth
episode in the saga that was only supposed to
have one episode. My son enjoyed it." The
Earth is literally falling to pieces and a
small group of children are the only ones who
can save it. Perhaps you'd like to buy it for
the 8-12 year-old in your life? We like the
strong 1970s kids' drama vibe from the front
covers BTW.
https://amazon.co.uk/dp/B086Y7R9CM
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What note did Fish from Marillion leave for the
delivery driver to inform him that he's not
self-isolating?
In commune, Ocado.
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: FESSHOLE
Your anonymous confessions, confessed
Each week we collate your howls into the abyss
into content.
Our faves include:
* PANTS - "When I was a young boy I was
playing in the back garden with my cousin when
he noticed a pair of my mother's pants on the
washing line. He dared me to put them in my
mouth so I did. I still remember looking to
the kitchen window to see my dad slowly
shaking his head."
* PORN - "As a teenage Pulp fan I was so angry
when Robson & Jerome stopped Common People
getting to number 1 that I posted their fan
club extreme hardcore porn - full-on scat,
cocks nailed to chairs, bestial orgies. I
attached a cover letter signed as my grandma,
who got a police caution."
* SCUFF MARKS - "In 6th form, a friend
identified increasing scuff marks on the
ceiling of my car as from legs akimbo. Despite
never having a girlfriend I quickly gained a
reputation in the school as a dark horse who
was having regular automotive hanky panky. I
was a virgin. It was my mum's car."
Join the 73,000 people (yes really!) who've
followed this bollocks on Twitter dot cunts.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made my people who aren't us
* WORK OUT WITH WEB FONDA - Want to exercise
at home but too lazy to figure out a routine?
Let random songs and random workout
suggestions be the answer. Made us laugh but
we reckon we'd break a leg trying to switch
exercise every 20 seconds.
https://random.training
* BEATSPLIT - Turn any MP3 into a drum pad.
You'll need an MP3 handy and remember to type
in the BPM else it gets confused.
https://beatsplit.glitch.me
* CAT PIMPING TAKEN TOO LITERALLY - liven up
your Zoom office meetings by booking visits
from cats and rabbits for cash. Yep, this is a
bit too much like sex work for fluffy animals
for us to be entirely comfortable with it.
http://cuddlecall.me
* WHO WANTS TO BE A TWILLIONAIRE? If you've
been watching Quiz on ITV then you've been
enjoying being reminded of the Coughing Major
- so why not see if you'd have won the million
with his questions?
https://twitter.com/_superted/status/1250054117432...
* BAD DESIGN ON PURPOSE - An enjoyable design
contest: how bad a logo can you design for a
marketing company? The accidental Coronavirus
one made us laugh.
https://howlowcanyourlogo.com
* GOLDEN ARM LADY - maybe this is actually
good or deliberately funny, but given how
Quibi is randomly chucking money at stuff we
doubt it.
https://twitter.com/zachraffio/status/125027319181...
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What will you do when the lockdown is over? Oh,
you know, the usual: stay at home and look at
the internet.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
B3ta Tussauds
Here's the best images from last week:
* BEAKER FROM THE MUPPETS - fine work from
gub~gub.
http://b3ta.com/board/11311509
* ZIPPY FROM RAINBOW - also fine work from
monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11311636
* NOSEYBONK FROM JIGSAW - more fine work from
monkeon.
http://b3ta.com/board/11311792
* See all the other images from the 'B3ta
Tussauds' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tatussauds/popular
>> This week: Cartoon Art <<
Pick a favourite cartoon character, a
favourite work of art and mix them together.
What could be simpler? It's a cartoons in art
challenge. Good challenge actually, over 100
entries and strangers have even mentioned they
like it.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/cartoonart/popular
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Celebs. The only lockdown content we want is sex
tapes.
Either they're sexy or they're horrific. It's a
win either way.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make "content" and make us... content
* THIS DATING PROFILE DOESN'T EXIST - generate
AI people and then generate Tinder text for
them: "Don't bother replying unless you're an
8/10" etc.
* MEMORABLE CREDITS - This is a great thread.
We wish someone would trace them all down and
take screen grabs for a picture blog.
https://twitter.com/disappointment/status/12503237...
* TREK QUIZ - The true joy of watching Star
Trek TNG on Netflix is guessing how many of
the ending orchestra stabs will play after you
press "skip intro". Make it so, as Luke
Skywalker famously says.
Send us your stuff:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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Twitter: Boomers should die
Also Twitter: We didn't mean those Boomers
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round & David
Stevenson.
Please join the patreon so we can afford to
eat. And thank you to newish Patreons Ben
Rout, Tim Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence
Saussez, Derek Colley. Martin Pritchard,
Stephanie Wissinger, Dion Ashton and newest
one Paul Blanchard.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
