NEWSLETTER: "WHAT IDIOT CALLED IT A SEMICOLON INSTEAD OF HALF-ARSED?"
This Week:
* RESEARCH - Does buying into Spotify playlists work?
* SWEARCLOCK RELAUNCHED - Crowdsourced time-wank
* PICTURES - that move with the power of animation
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving, we are
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | are saving with Rod
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Stewart... together"
B3ta MySpace update 759 - 19 Feb 2021
Read this issue huffing supermarket ham air:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue759
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DONGING THIS WEEK
Other than flossing their teeth with toenails
>> Swearclock 2.0 <<
Your editor has relaunched Swearclock after it
stopped posting for some boring technical
reason, so version 2.0 uses YOUR SWEARS rather
than the algo generated swears of the past.
So far you've submitted 3,500 cunty phrases
and they're worth a read in the Google doc if
you've got a strong stomach for foul whimsy.
Or simply just follow the bot. Remember:
clocks are now obsolete. Time has officially
been upgraded.
https://twitter.com/swearclock
>> Does paying for Spotify playlists work? <<
Colmcq2 writes, "There are some musicians on
b3ta and no doubt you're wondering about how
to promote your music. I paid for some Spotify
playlist placements to see if it's worth it.
tl;dr - it isn't." Interesting stuff.
https://najinsan.wordpress.com/2021/02/15/i-paid-f...
>> "I Made These Pictures Move" <<
B3ta's answer to Terry Gilliam, Drivelsieve,
has been making more pictures move. It's the
sound-fx that really makes this stuff come
alive. Pow! Blam!
http://b3ta.com/links/1560461
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: FESS(tering)HOLE
Your fesses, shared for fake internet points
Every day we ram pins into our eyes, and
through the blood, we read your grim
confessions. We wish life was better but this
is the pain we must endure. Here's three of
the recent best or worst, depending on whether
your moral compass is utterly fucked by a
lifetime in the content sewer.
* SCIENCE - "I stuck googly eyes either side
of my todger to see if I could train my phone
to use my cock and balls for face recognition.
It didn't work. Lockdown science: I do these
things so you don't have to."
* LIFE STYLE TIPS - "Thanks to Lockdown, I
have not worn deodorant since Monday 23rd
March 2020. Although I stink, I have saved
£12.90"
* THUMB GAS - "I bought a fingerprint kit off
Amazon during a crime documentary binge. I
started collecting the prints of any friends
or family who came over as a bit of fun but
it's become a compulsion. Got the gas man's
the other day."
Link goes to the best of December 2020 because
we're really up to date and on top of our
shit.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/13602396223836...
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Bitcoin price would tank if anyone could
remember their password and actually sell the
damn things
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: SITES IN BEEF
The delicious OXO content of other's brains
* KLF'S 'CHILL OUT' NOW STREAMING - we're
really enjoying the KLF back catalogue release
strategy. They're dripping it out and with
each drop the fans have a good old natter: fun
and it stops it ever feeling daunting. Most
recent is a reworking of Chill Out, presumably
to remove the copyright problems, but it's a
nice alternative version in its own right,
also why not rip it and add your own samples?
https://klfrs.com/
* PRESIDENT SEXY - Get around the most morally
dubious aspects of Hot or Not by voting on
dead old men instead. Don't forget that
Facebook started as a Hot or Not clone, should
any libertarian billionaire dickwads want to
throw cash at this.
https://hotpresidents.com
* IMAGINARY FOOD, OF OUR RECENT PAST - love
name-jokes where a good writer just hammers
the same bit to get 1000s of gags.
Overwhelmingly funny.
https://b3ta.com/links/Space_mince_Sweet_Browns
* OBJECTS IN FILMS, SEARCH ENGINE - the next
thing AI is coming to sap any pleasure from
is... supercut videos. Quickly find any
object used in a film. As always with
automation, the glitches are the most amusing.
In this case, the podrace arena in Star Wars
is thought to be a massive dunny.
https://beta.flim.ai/
* FUCK CRYPTOART - this site estimates how
much energy has been used and CO2 released, by
individual pieces of cryptoart. Probably
better for the atmosphere to burn down a small
forest as an artistic statement.
http://cryptoart.wtf
* NO DURAN DURAN'S ARENA IS GOOD ACTUALLY -
Pop music is always a fun thing to do
pointless data research on, and I enjoyed this
look at which live album tracks are the most
different to the studio recording. The live
version is always worse, obvs. Live albums are
dreadful.
https://pudding.cool/2021/02/jukebox/
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What we like about Wensleydale & Cranberry is
that it's a way of eating cheesecake without
people thinking you're just sitting there in
your pants eating cheesecake.
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: BUY SOME BRITISH MADE 'ACTION BLANKETS'
Yes you, you sexy b3tan with nice shoulders
Action blankets are basically blankets with
holes in them for your head. What 'action' you
do in them is up to you, but we've mosting
been sobbing. It's ideal as lube. Please buy
some so Hebtro continues to support B3ta and
Fesshole with their cash.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/action-blankets...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Extend a name
Last week we were asking you to extend names.
Some examples include: ChuckLE Norris, TroloLO
and the Large Tippi Hedren Collider. Yep
photoshopping puns and here's the best images:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/extendaname/popular/
This week it's boxes. You know, rectangular
cows. C'mon, this joke works. BOXES!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/boxes
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Doing your English A-Level but you haven't
revised and suddenly realising you're naked.
Living the dream. Oh god, stop us from writing.
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next in B3ta bollocks land
* MATT ROUND UPDATE: "I'm probably launching
ButtyStock v3 next week, oh and tomorrow is
exactly a year since this launched, can't
think why the traffic died off a few weeks
later..." Well if we have to spell it out,
it's because having an actual plague made
plague content less amusing.
https://vole.wtf/death-roulette/
* HELP SOLVE THIS BEATLES MYSTERY - many
newsletters back we helped launch Chris Shaw's
project to identify every photo in the Sgt
Pepper cover. There's still one odd photo
holding out. Please help, we just so want to
know.
https://twitter.com/ChrisShawEditor/status/1356538...
* HORNE SECTION PERFORMS B3TAN'S JOKE -
SonofRojBlake writes "I *sort of* made this.
Last year I was listening to the very
excellent Horne section podcast, and I thought
of a joke/song. I told it to some friends, who
mainly gave me long, hard stares. I didn't
care, I loved it. I use Twitter on average
about once every couple of years. I used
2020's go to Tweet my idea @AlexHorne.
Incredibly, he not only tweeted back within
minutes, but he said he liked it and could he
use it in the podcast? There's only one answer
to that... YES!"
https://b3ta.com/links/1559352
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some free ideas for you, if you like
* "ALAN CURTIS" - The lockdown project we want
is for Alan Partridge to make his own Adam
Curtis documentary, where he loses himself in
clips of 1980s Nationwide & does a v/o
explaining how the UK went to shit after a
crisis in comfortable footware. "The Chinese
just don't make good Hush Puppies, Lynn"
* COPYCAT BETTING WEBSITE - How long before an
MP accidentally-on-purpose appears as a cat on
a parliamentary zoom link to try and be
relatable?
* PUNS'N'ROSES - a website dedicated to weak
G'n'R gags: What's the difference between
punching the guitarist from Guns N Roses and
urination. Nothing. Both are 'having a slash'.
Remember if you make stuff, don't share it
with others, tell us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Dunno why people are so impressed about spinach
sending emails, gammon have been sending tweets
for years.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
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EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
join the patreon so we can afford to buy
sausages. And a special sexy thanks to the
Hebtro gang. Buy their stuff.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
