we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "CAN'T WAIT FOR LOCKDOWN TO END. FIRST THING WE'RE GOING TO DO IS SPEND ALL DAY AT HOME TWEETING."

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* BUTTYSTICK - Ver 3.0 released you lucky peeps
* SPOOKY TUBE RECORDING - 'The Nothing Line'
* OH GOD - A lockdown song (but kinda ok)

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    the web ...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      socially distanced"

B3ta free-email 760 - 26 Feb 2021

Read this issue to your confused dog:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue760

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
  Other than making sinister "unpoisoned" cake

   * MORE CRISP SANDWICH PHOTOS - Matt Round
   writes "ButtyStock v3 launched, finally
   meeting the massive demand for stock
   illustrations of crisp sandwiches and letting
   people speak their brains about it." He means
   there's now comments - so go and empty your
   lungs into pure HTML.
https://vole.wtf/buttystock/

  * LOCKDOWN SONG - Enriqueponce writes, "We're
  having a Bourgeois Lockdown! And we're
  wondering if we're going to miss it." This
  pretty much matches our experience: B3ta HQ
  has done the puppy thing and gone for a fuck
  loads of walks.
https://b3ta.com/links/Were_having_a_Bourgeois_Lockdown

  * THE NOTHING LINE - Your editor writes "I
  recorded the sound of an empty Underground
  train and it made me feel a bit weird and
  spooky." File under: Urban Pandemic Ambient. 
https://robmanuelfuckyeah.substack.com/p/i-recorded-the-sound-of-an-empty

  * ASHENS MOVIE ON BLURAY - Ashens has been in
  touch to say that a window has opened to buy
  his movie on BluRay. He's doing short runs so
  he doesn't bankrupt himself with stock - so
  get in now whilst they are for sale. And this
  won't be on Amazon - well the digital version
  will be - but not the disk. 
http://ashensmovie.com

-------------------------------------------------

: FEZHOLE
  Your fezzes, ranked for against the ideal ur-fez

  Each week we shit in a bucket and contemplate
  our lives and then approve a couple of tawdry
  confessions for cheap internet likes. Here's
  some that didn't make us not smile this week.
  
  * MISAPPREHENSION - "Until I was about 15
  years old, I thought the Ministry of Sound was
  a branch of the UK Government."

  * CHIMES - "I have been stealing my neighbours
  garden wind chimes and I will continue to do
  it until they stop buying more. No one needs
  clanging and tinkling at 3am."

  * WHEELY GOOD FUN - "Sometimes I deliberately
  put the wrong wheelie bin out a day early to
  confuse the neighbours, my greatest feat is
  seeing a whole row of blue Bins out on a black
  bin day and then a load of complaints on the
  local Facebook group about the council."

  Join the 109,400 people who are looking at
  this account going "please, can't you just
  stop?"
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

-------------------------------------------------

Fact of the day: Gary Barlow is married to one
of the Bombalurina dancers from Timmy Mallet's
Yellow Polka Dot Bikini.

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff made by non-b3tans. The talented bastards.

  * SHORT SCI-FI STORY - imagining a plausible
  future world where minds can be scanned,
  booted-up in hardware, and the absolute
  nightmare that's going to be. Sweet dreams.
https://qntm.org/mmacevedo

  * WHAT GRADES CAN AI GET IN COLLEGE? - We all
  know AI-everything is coming but how good is
  now? Yep, it can get grade C in exams. We're
  all utterly fucked.
https://www.eduref.net/features/what-grades-can-ai-get-in-college/

  * HE SHOOTS, HE DOESN'T SCORE - text chats of
  men hoping to get it on and missing. Don't
  worry guys - the secret is... always wear
  skidmarked pants. Sod's law will kick in and
  sexy-time is guaranteed. 
https://www.instagram.com/downbadpatrol/?hl=en

  * TV'S BOTTOM, NOW IN MINIATURE - who doesn't
  want Richie & Eddie's Hammersmith pomme de
  terre made tiny? Lovely detail.
https://instagram.com/minibottomflat/

  * MAKE AN ICEBERG, WATCH IT FLOAT - making a
  point that icebergs are often drawn in
  diagrams in unstable orientations. But
  somehow, such fun.
https://joshdata.me/iceberger.html

  * MOON SOFT - Long lecture (1hr+) on the
  software and hardware that got people to the
  moon and yet it flies by. You will never claim
  that  your calculator is more powerful again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1J2RMorJXM

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY SOME BRITISH MADE 'ACTION BLANKETS'
  Yes you, you sexy b3tan with nice shoulders

  Action blankets are basically blankets with
  holes in them for your head. What 'action' you
  do in them is up to you, but we've mosting
  been sobbing. It's ideal as lube. Please buy
  some so Hebtro continues to support B3ta and
  Fesshole with their cash.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/action-blankets/

-------------------------------------------------

There are two types of people who get to see
dogs sucking themselves off a lot: weird
internet perverts and people who own dogs.

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  How much are these celebs worth for voice mail?
  
  Guess which fading celebrities are hawking
  themselves for the most money on Cameo. The
  game engine seems a bit over-designed, as I'd
  personally rather have a fast-moving
  single-click version.  Obviously designed by a
  coder.
https://kinda.fun/cameo

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  This week: Dinosaur Internet
  
  What if Dinosaurs had the internet? Show us
  how T-Rex and all his mates would get on with
  Jurassic Spotify, Facebook and online
  shopping.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dinosaurinternet/popular

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Free ideas for your idea brains
  
  * ONE INBOX - how the fuck is anyone meant to
  cope with messages on about 15 different
  networks? Give us one place please.

  * PAY PEOPLE NOT TO TWEET - probably a better
  business idea than paying for tweets.

  * REVERSE TV SHOWS - Someone should make the
  inverse of the show where Tories learn how to
  do stand up, and instead get a load of Tory
  MPs teach comedians how to lobby government,
  fix elections and take bribes.

  Throw some dead kittens in the bag:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------

Science can put people on the moon and let no
one has designed a glass microwave plate that
fits easily and doesn't end up making a dull
clunk as it rotates unless you're super fucking
careful and position it like a microsurgeon
every time.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
  join the patreon so we can afford to buy
  sausages. And a special sexy thanks to the
  Hebtro gang. Buy their stuff. 
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

next issue »
« previous issue