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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT IDIOT CALLED IT A SEMICOLON INSTEAD OF HALF-ARSED?"

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This Week:
* RESEARCH - Does buying into Spotify playlists work?
* SWEARCLOCK RELAUNCHED - Crowdsourced time-wank
* PICTURES - that move with the power of animation
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving, we are 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  are saving with Rod
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  Stewart... together"

B3ta MySpace update 759 - 19 Feb 2021

Read this issue huffing supermarket ham air:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue759

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DONGING THIS WEEK
  Other than flossing their teeth with toenails 

  >> Swearclock 2.0 << 
  Your editor has relaunched Swearclock after it
  stopped posting for some boring technical
  reason, so version 2.0 uses YOUR SWEARS rather
  than the algo generated swears of the past. 
  So far you've submitted 3,500 cunty phrases
  and they're worth a read in the Google doc if
  you've got a strong stomach for foul whimsy.
  Or simply just follow the bot. Remember:
  clocks are now obsolete. Time has officially
  been upgraded. 
https://twitter.com/swearclock

  >> Does paying for Spotify playlists work? <<
  Colmcq2 writes, "There are some musicians on
  b3ta and no doubt you're wondering about how
  to promote your music. I paid for some Spotify
  playlist placements to see if it's worth it.
  tl;dr - it isn't." Interesting stuff.
https://najinsan.wordpress.com/2021/02/15/i-paid-for-spotify-playlist-placements-so-you-dont-have-to/ 

  >> "I Made These Pictures Move" <<
  B3ta's answer to Terry Gilliam, Drivelsieve,
  has been making more pictures move. It's the
  sound-fx that really makes this stuff come
  alive. Pow! Blam! 
http://b3ta.com/links/1560461

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: FESS(tering)HOLE
  Your fesses, shared for fake internet points
  
  Every day we ram pins into our eyes, and
  through the blood, we read your grim
  confessions. We wish life was better but this
  is the pain we must endure. Here's three of
  the recent best or worst, depending on whether
  your moral compass is utterly fucked by a
  lifetime in the content sewer.

  * SCIENCE - "I stuck googly eyes either side
  of my todger to see if I could train my phone
  to use my cock and balls for face recognition.
  It didn't work. Lockdown science: I do these
  things so you don't have to."

  * LIFE STYLE TIPS - "Thanks to Lockdown, I
  have not worn deodorant since Monday 23rd
  March 2020. Although I stink, I have saved
  £12.90"

  * THUMB GAS - "I bought a fingerprint kit off
  Amazon during a crime documentary binge. I
  started collecting the prints of any friends
  or family who came over as a bit of fun but
  it's become a compulsion. Got the gas man's
  the other day."

  Link goes to the best of December 2020 because
  we're really up to date and on top of our
  shit.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/1360239622383632387

-------------------------------------------------

Bitcoin price would tank if anyone could
remember their password and actually sell the
damn things

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BEEF
  The delicious OXO content of other's brains

  * KLF'S 'CHILL OUT' NOW STREAMING - we're
  really enjoying the KLF back catalogue release
  strategy. They're dripping it out and with
  each drop the fans have a good old natter: fun
  and it stops it ever feeling daunting. Most
  recent is a reworking of Chill Out, presumably
  to remove the copyright problems, but it's a
  nice alternative version in its own right,
  also why not rip it and add your own samples?
https://klfrs.com/

  * PRESIDENT SEXY - Get around the most morally
  dubious aspects of Hot or Not by voting on
  dead old men instead. Don't forget that
  Facebook started as a Hot or Not clone, should
  any libertarian billionaire dickwads want to
  throw cash at this.
https://hotpresidents.com

  * IMAGINARY FOOD, OF OUR RECENT PAST - love
  name-jokes where a good writer just hammers
  the same bit to get 1000s of gags.
  Overwhelmingly funny.
https://b3ta.com/links/Space_mince_Sweet_Browns

  * OBJECTS IN FILMS, SEARCH ENGINE - the next
  thing AI is coming to sap any pleasure from
  is... supercut videos.  Quickly find any
  object used in a film.  As always with
  automation, the glitches are the most amusing.
   In this case, the podrace arena in Star Wars
  is thought to be a massive dunny.
https://beta.flim.ai/?ft=toilet 

  * FUCK CRYPTOART - this site estimates how
  much energy has been used and CO2 released, by
  individual pieces of cryptoart. Probably
  better for the atmosphere to burn down a small
  forest as an artistic statement.
http://cryptoart.wtf

  * NO DURAN DURAN'S ARENA IS GOOD ACTUALLY -
  Pop music is always a fun thing to do
  pointless data research on, and I enjoyed this
  look at which live album tracks are the most
  different to the studio recording. The live
  version is always worse, obvs. Live albums are
  dreadful.
https://pudding.cool/2021/02/jukebox/

-------------------------------------------------

What we like about Wensleydale & Cranberry is
that it's a way of eating cheesecake without
people thinking you're just sitting there in
your pants eating cheesecake.

-------------------------------------------------

: BUY SOME BRITISH MADE 'ACTION BLANKETS'
  Yes you, you sexy b3tan with nice shoulders

  Action blankets are basically blankets with
  holes in them for your head. What 'action' you
  do in them is up to you, but we've mosting
  been sobbing. It's ideal as lube. Please buy
  some so Hebtro continues to support B3ta and
  Fesshole with their cash.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/action-blankets/

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Extend a name

  Last week we were asking you to extend names.
  Some examples include: ChuckLE Norris, TroloLO
  and the Large Tippi Hedren Collider. Yep
  photoshopping puns and here's the best images:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/extendaname/popular/

  This week it's boxes. You know, rectangular
  cows. C'mon, this joke works. BOXES! 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/boxes

-------------------------------------------------

Doing your English A-Level but you haven't
revised and suddenly realising you're naked.
Living the dream. Oh god, stop us from writing.

-------------------------------------------------

: FOLLOW UPS
  What happened next in B3ta bollocks land
  
  * MATT ROUND UPDATE: "I'm probably launching
  ButtyStock v3 next week, oh and tomorrow is
  exactly a year since this launched, can't
  think why the traffic died off a few weeks
  later..." Well if we have to spell it out,
  it's because having an actual plague made
  plague content less amusing.
https://vole.wtf/death-roulette/

  * HELP SOLVE THIS BEATLES MYSTERY - many
  newsletters back we helped launch Chris Shaw's
  project to identify every photo in the Sgt
  Pepper cover. There's still one odd photo
  holding out. Please help, we just so want to
  know.
https://twitter.com/ChrisShawEditor/status/1356538366276362252

  * HORNE SECTION PERFORMS B3TAN'S JOKE -
  SonofRojBlake writes "I *sort of* made this.
  Last year I was listening to the very
  excellent Horne section podcast, and I thought
  of a joke/song. I told it to some friends, who
  mainly gave me long, hard stares. I didn't
  care, I loved it. I use Twitter on average
  about once every couple of years. I used
  2020's go to Tweet my idea @AlexHorne.
  Incredibly, he not only tweeted back within
  minutes, but he said he liked it and could he
  use it in the podcast? There's only one answer
  to that... YES!"
https://b3ta.com/links/1559352

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some free ideas for you, if you like
  
  * "ALAN CURTIS" - The lockdown project we want
  is for Alan Partridge to make his own Adam
  Curtis documentary, where he loses himself in
  clips of 1980s Nationwide & does a v/o
  explaining how the UK went to shit after a
  crisis in comfortable footware. "The Chinese
  just don't make good Hush Puppies, Lynn"

  * COPYCAT BETTING WEBSITE - How long before an
  MP accidentally-on-purpose appears as a cat on
  a parliamentary zoom link to try and be
  relatable?

  * PUNS'N'ROSES - a website dedicated to weak
  G'n'R gags: What's the difference between
  punching the guitarist from Guns N Roses and
  urination. Nothing. Both are 'having a slash'.

  Remember if you make stuff, don't share it
  with others, tell us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

Dunno why people are so impressed about spinach
sending emails, gammon have been sending tweets
for years.

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. Please
  join the patreon so we can afford to buy
  sausages. And a special sexy thanks to the
  Hebtro gang. Buy their stuff. 
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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