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NEWSLETTER: "YOU WON'T SPOT A SINGLE UNION JACK IN ANY OF THESE LINKS"

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This Week:
* IMAGINARY FRIENDS REUNITED - at last
* BRIAN SEWELL SOUNDBOARD - Rebooted for the 2020s 
* FREDDO - The biggest ever? Maybe

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the web  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to send off for a free
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  badge ... together"

B3ta fax-o-tron 765 - 02 Apr 2021

Read this issue in the language of "woof":
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue765

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than shitting themselves

  * IMAGINARY FRIENDS REUNITED - Matt Round
  writes, "I asked people about their childhood
  imaginary friends then brought them back in
  their own social network, including the weird
  & creepy ones..." As we published the call for
  content in this very newsletter, these are
  YOUR imaginary friends - and see if you can
  spot ours?
https://vole.wtf/imaginary-friends/

  And as a bonus from Matt - he's also been
  building the world's biggest Freddo chocolate
  bar. Well we say it's the biggest but we
  didn't check.
https://twitter.com/VOLEwtf/status/1377591693139132416

  * MORE COWBELL THAN YOU COULD EVER WANT -
  Jonty Wareing writes, "This week I discovered
  ultimatecowbell.com, a listing of every known
  song featuring cowbells. So obviously I
  converted it into a 204 hour Spotify
  playlist."
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2hGZ9IEmDJ6jdia4uiiWWt

  * BRIAN SEWELL NEWS - secretbatcave writes, "I
  have ported the first Brian Sewell soundboard
  from its sad mortal flash husk and commuted it
  to HTML 5 (or JavaScript, or something equally
  horrid). This means one can use it on your
  phone or tablet, like a modern person."
https://secretbatcave.co.uk/sewell/

-------------------------------------------------
 
: FESSHOLE
  The confessions won't stop. Please stop.

  Each week we ask you to confess your sins to
  our cyber priests who definitely don't touch
  up the kids. Our favs this week:

  * BISCUITS - "My wife and I have been keeping
  a secret stash of biscuits hidden from our
  children. What she doesn't know is I have a
  double secret stash of even better biscuits
  all for me."

  * APPLES - "I eat an apple every morning..I
  then put the core on top of the drivers side
  windscreen wiper and wait for idiots who drive
  up my arse to overtake me .. as they do I
  activate the aforementioned wipers in the hope
  of hitting the prick overtaking me .. I have a
  success rate of 76%"

  * FARTS - "I run a lot, up to 50 or 60 miles a
  week, and take it pretty seriously...but
  whenever I fart on a run I still pretend it's
  like a Knight Rider style turbo boost and put
  on a little sprint. I am 45 this year."

  Join the 122,289 people who should know
  better:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

  Or alternatively read the anon_opin one which
  is less popular for follows, but creates more
  arguments in the replies.
https://twitter.com/anon_opin/

-------------------------------------------------

Make your own 'Elvis Costello name' by mixing
the first name of a famous musician, who is
identifiable by that name alone, with last name
of a comedian, who again is clearly identifiable
by that alone:

Beyonce Seinfeld
Shakira Izzard
Sade Gervais

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content made by people we are "othering"

  * CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT IS YET? A medley of
  Prodigy tracks played *absolutely
  convincingly* on Stylophones is the content
  you didn't know you needed in your life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x8l_NWwi_Ho

  * HIDDEN GAME MESSAGES - Enjoying this
  account. The messages from devs that you can
  find from looking through the source or
  binaries of old games.
https://twitter.com/devmsg_txt/

  * REDDIT'S SECOND - try to guess the
  second-most voted picture, or wait to see vote
  counts for fewer points
https://new.reddit.com/r/Second/

  * DUCKPOND MAP - This site is creating a
  global database of duckponds. As someone who
  used to go and sit at the duckpond if my mum
  had been nagging and I wanted to delay getting
  home from the shop, I appreciate the
  sentiment.
https://sickofthis.xyz

  * NO, YOU DO WANT TO READ THIS SHORT STORY
  ACTUALLY - "My milkman was in The Fall. He
  played on Hex Enduction Hour. If you catch him
  on a quiet morning, he’ll reminisce about
  recording ‘Hip Priest’. The postman was also
  in The Fall, around the time of Cerebral
  Caustic. I was never in The Fall."
https://reflexfiction.com/i-was-never-in-the-fall-flash-fiction-by-mark-colbourne/

  * SKIP INTRO, SAVED - The Web Design museum
  are collecting flash intros to film websites,
  should you want to remember what the Memento
  site looked like in order to tattoo it on your
  leg so you never forget again.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1a9Qk9koD819-7mMHsQbNrFZOTgHb4GU

-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Attack on Suez Canal

  It's been good to see a lot of people building
  Suez Canal stupid web shit this week.  Most
  stopped making sense the moment the boat was
  free, but this one still works.  Can you do
  better than Captain Evergreen? Best with sound
  off to avoid the scream.
https://attackonsuezcanal.com

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  This week: Flags

  Flags, one word challenge. Redesign them, rub
  up against them or stick them where they don't
  belong.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/flaaaaags/popular/

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
  Yes, buy those sweary scarves

  Do you have a cold neck and love swearing?
  Thank fuck Hebtroco are here to sell you
  swearing scarves. WARNING: Wearing these might
  make you so attractive to the people you want
  to bang that you might be overwhelmed in sex
  offers.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/

-------------------------------------------------

: DEAR UNCLE B3TA
  Readers' Letters

  * B3TA CAUSED COVID - Nick Prou writes, "On
  1st December 2019 the first known COVID-19
  patient started having symptoms. It's likely
  that the disease actually emerged slightly
  earlier than that, in mid-November perhaps. On
  16th November 2019, the B3ta newsletter 733
  was titled 'I hope this email finds you ill'.
  Well I hope you're happy." Well we weren't but
  we are now.

  * APOCALYPSE - eric.van.lit writes, "Hello,
  Long time reader here. I really miss your
  'signs of the apocalypse' feature in the
  newsletter. Can you bring it back? Or are
  there no signs anymore? Even worse, has the
  apocalypse already come and I did not
  notice??" Yeah, look out the window mate.

  * FOOD TIPS  - bogeypie writes, "Have you
  tried a banana and ham toasted sandwich? Now
  banana is ok and ham is ok, toasted they are
  still both ok.  But put them together in a
  sandwich and put that in your breville and
  heaven comes out.  The mixture of ham,
  saltyness and sweetness and gooeyness all
  mixed together is just fantastic."

  Send us your missive:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas to inspire you

  * OLD SONGS UPDATED - Ed Sheeran should update
  Pinball Wizard and call it Minecraft Wizard to
  make us hate everything that is good in the
  world

  * CAPSLOCK 2.0 - Capslock is largely useless.
  It should be changed in the operating system
  so that it toggles the CASE of the text you've
  CURRENTLY SELECTED.

  * NANOBOTS THAT CAN SCRATCH OUR BACKS - coz
  it's permanently itchy.

  Go on, make some stuff, you lazy shits:  
https://b3ta.com/mailus/ 

-------------------------------------------------

We've read a list of popular names for boys and
the following shortenings are acceptable:

Leonardo - Nardo
Damian - Ian
Jacob - Cob
Sebastian - Stain
Samuel - Mule
Wyatt - Yacht 
Joshua - Shoe

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost sexually.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image
  challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
  other.

  BTW: You're not a true Londoner until you've
  fought the chief raven at the Tower and he has
  said, "My liege you've fought well" and offers
  a wing and bows.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
  Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
  Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And
  further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver,
  James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay
  Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave
  Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and do
  please donate as you get bonus content (Rob
  shouting into his audio recorder, yes YOU will
  hate it.)
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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