NEWSLETTER: "WE'RE ALL 3D PRINTERS GEARED UP TO PRINT TURDS"
This Week:
* SONG - Kunt pays tribute to the People’s Prince
* WEBSITE - The return of Question Swap
* SEXY DOGS - well a short Fesshole anecdote ok?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're mourning the death
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | of our prince: DMX
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 766 - 09 Apr 2021
Read this issue formally & wearing a black tie:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue766
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than shagging flags like true patriots
* KUNT PLAYS TRIBUTE TO THE PRINCE OF OUR
HEARTS - thank you to B3ta's favourite popstar
for nailing the nation's mood.
https://kuntandthegang.bandcamp.com/track/phil-im-...
* THE RETURN OF QUESTIONSWAP - Phantomboner
writes, "The years have flown. 16 years ago
you featured QuestionSwap.com in your
newsletter and it did quite well. I recently
decided to give it an update and do it
properly. B3ta was where it all began, and it
would be great if you could mention it again
in your newsletter. Good to see B3ta powering
on. Thanks!" Nicely timed with the death of
Yahoo Questions too.
http://www.questionswap.com/
* HORRIBLE OUT-OF-DATE POLITICAL SATIRE - we
were going through the old email bin and we
found this from mikeisbrill from about 5 years
ago and figured we'd mention it, he wrote, "I
wrote a book about Jeremy Clarkson and David
Cameron having sex in a Premier Inn room. I
can send the PDF on request. 99p is a bit much
to be honest." Actually it's free on Kindle
Unlimited, whatever that is.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B01BUTZK...
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: FESSHOLE
The confessions account we regret starting
Each week we ask you to type some bollocks
into a form and we publish our favourite bits.
Honestly, that's the entire project.
* WIFE - "The wife called me by mistake when
she was supposed to be calling the Chinese
restaurant to order. I was in the next room. I
put on a fake Chinese accent and gave her a
load of shit so she threatened to talk to my
manager."
* TESCO - "Once walking through Tesco I saw a
guy I knew from somewhere, so said hello to
not be rude. Stood chatting for at least 2
mins before he hinted that the reason I knew
him was probably because he played in midfield
for Liverpool, and we'd never met before.
Still cringe now."
* SEXY DOGS - "I went on a lockdown park-walk
date with a woman and her dog. I tried to make
a fuss of the dog so I'd look good but 'hello
gorgeous!' came out as 'hello sexy!'. It was a
short, quiet walk. The longest of my life."
Join the 123k people who should know better:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
FYI: In memory of Prince Philip, @fesshole
will continue to run horrible anecdotes from
horrible people all day and into the future.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by people we are "othering"
* WHAT ARE THE POP HITS IN EAST FINCHLEY?
Pudding are doing more pop music data
gathering, this time looking at localised pop
charts for your city. We'd never even heard of
the song everyone is listening to round our
way, which seems about right. We might start
humming it in an attempt to be more
neighbourly.
https://pudding.cool/2021/04/music-bubble/
* THEY MIGHT BE TECH BANDWAGON JUMPERS - An
enjoyable look at how They Might Be Giants
used 90s tech to promote themselves with
gimmicks - Phone lines, Hypercards, Flash, CD
Shuffle - all the gold.
https://tedium.co/2021/03/31/they-might-be-giants-...
* BBC MICROBOT MAN TELLS ALL - 30 minutes of
the guy behind the BBC Micro Bot telling us
all about it whilst facing the wrong camera.
It's great how something so simple has evolved
to such impressive places, especially
considering it started with someone posting a
loop of PRINT "POO", as is only right.
https://youtube.com/watch
* WE'VE GOT YOUR NAME LA-LA-LA - new UK Cyber
Security Council announces itself without
buying the domain, so inevitably someone else
gets it.
http://ukcybersecurity.org.uk
* 90S MICROSOFT DEVELOPER REVEALS EVERYTHING -
You know when you find a YouTube channel that
you can just keep watching? Well this one
works for us. A mid-90s Microsoft developer
doing war stories.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SPACE JAM WEBSITE REMEMBERED - not only have
we had the death of Yahoo Answers but after 25
years the original Space Jam website has been
taken offline. Is nothing sacred anymore?
https://www.esquireme.com/content/51612-after-25-y...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Art Jobs
With Covid closing museums, works of art need
to find a new source of income. Send paintings
and sculptures out to work.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artjobs/popular
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Yes, buy those sweary scarves
Do you have a cold neck and love swearing?
Thank fuck Hebtroco are here to sell you
swearing scarves. WARNING: Wearing these might
make you so attractive to the people you want
to bang that you might be overwhelmed in sex
offers.
https://hebtro.co/product/sweary-scarf/
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: DEAR UNCLE B3TA
Readers' top tips
* HOW TO CLEAN YOUR KEYBOARD - Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic writes, "Clear space on desk, turn keyboard upside down and drop onto the keys from a height of about 2 inches. Do this about three or four times. Be disgusted by the amount of detritus littering your desk." Er... thanks?
* HOW TO CLEAN YOUR LOO - Quefelli writes, "One thing---when using a loo brush, DOWNSTROKES ONLY. That is all" Er.. Why are you telling us this?
Send us your missive:
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Ideas from our readers to inspire you
* MAKE YOU FEEL OLD - twilkosta asks for "a
website that, given your age, tells you how
long until you're too old for various schemes
(youth discounts, internship schemes,
newsround press pack). After 30 it just tells
you you're too old, period."
* HOW POWERFUL IS YOUR FRIDGE? Twilkosta
continues, "Also, a website that continually
provides an up-to-the-minute version of how
powerful the average phone/fridge/watch is,
relative to Apollo-era computers. And shows
you a picture of space. So you never lose your
sense of wonder."
* MILK SOLVER - joe.aule asks "Ever had that
weird crusty dried milk form around the top of
a plastic milk bottle? I just had a bit fall
in my tea. Disgusting. I'd like to see a way
of preventing a repeat occurrence."
Go on, make some stuff, you lazy shits:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost sexually.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
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EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
other. Newsletter proofing by Kat E.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Mark (Mavis), Joshua Rackstraw,
Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri Bionic, Chris
Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris Smith, Daniel
Malbon, James Heaver and Phil Lovell. And
further thanks to newer ones: Ben Oliver,
James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, Lindsay
Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, Dave
Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and do
please donate as you get bonus content (Rob
shouting into his audio recorder, yes YOU will
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