NEWSLETTER: "LIKE IF YOU LIKE SEEING NUMBERS GOING UP NEXT TO A SMALL HEART-SHAPED GRAPHIC"
"Like if you like seeing numbers going up next to
a small heart-shaped graphic"
This Week:
* MAPS - now improved with swearing
* POT NOODLE - the search starts now
* HOW TO FEEL OLD - other than using a mirror
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're still sending
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | out this bollocks
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| so read it you twats"
B3ta electronic email 770 - 14 May 2021
Read this issue pretending to be Thatcher's ghost:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue770
-------------------------------------------------
: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than sweet sweet love with their hand
* FOUR KING MAPS (say it out loud) - drumber01
writes, "I made a thing I think you might
like, a unique 4 swear word identifier for
every 3m by 3m (approx) square in the UK &
Ireland. I wanted to know where wanker cunt
arse fuck was and it turns out it's in
Darlington." Good work lad, you've
successfully guessed the bullshit we like.
https://www.fourkingmaps.co.uk/
* POT NOODLE SEARCH - HarvesterStallone
writes, "Hi there, I'm hoping you might be
able to help me. I'm trying to find and buy a
Pot Noodle from my childhood, with the
'explosion' logo design. I feel it would be a
good fit for your newsletter and would cast
the net wider. Thank you for your time." Yeah
fuck it, we'll run this.
https://youtu.be/0DI_TnkCdBE
* NEW BEATLES ALBUM (sort of) - tomhatcher
writes, "I’ve edited together an album of
unreleased songs from The Beatles’ Get Back
Sessions... took me ages. I’m really pleased
with it. All Beatles playing from the tapes, I
just tidied into an album by me. Ch,ch,check
it out..." OK, don't expect Beatles quality
music here but a curio for the obsessives,
which includes us.
https://m.youtube.com/playlist
-------------------------------------------------
In which song did Duran Duran repudiate their
alleged love of Thatcherism?
NO, NO, NO TORIES, US.
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, relentlessly turned into content
Each week our cyber priests ask you to repent
your sins and we throw up the better ones out
on social media for some cheap likes. Here's
three of the best:
* ROM COM - "Years ago I was moaning about
being single to my sis and she asked which of
her mates I fancied - I said 'Cath' and she
rang her to arrange a date. We've been
together for 15 years now. The 'Cath' my sis
rang wasn't the one I meant."
* TURD WORDS - "This morning while walking the
dog, I suddenly needed to shit so squatted
down behind a hedge. My dog crouched down next
to me at the same time and had his poo. We are
turd buddies now and I feel really bonded with
him."
* HEARTWARMING - "My 10 year old son got a
trail cam for Xmas and sets it up at night.
Not much wildlife in our garden and he was
getting disappointed with nothing being
captured, so I bought a rubber rat and fishing
line and drag it across the garden so he has
captured something to see."
Well you might as well join the 134,000 people
following it, we're not going to stop now:
https://twitter.com/fesshole
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Yes, buy lovely woolly socks
Do you own feet at the end of your legs? Well
Hebtroco have a product called "socks" that
work as kind of innertubes for your shoes so
that you don't have to throw away your shoes
every day. Buy some now, they're toasty and
warm and will save you a fortune.
https://hebtro.co/product-category/sock_range/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by other people in the content mines
* MAKE YOU FEEL OLD - Everyone loves a site
that makes them feel ancient, so why not try
searching for a film you saw in the cinema as
a kid and find out how old that film now seems
to a zoomer?
https://itsbeenthatlong.jonabrams.com
* THE MELDREW POINT - this twitter account
congratulates public figures when they're as
old as Richard Wilson was in the first episode
of One Foot In The Grave. That's 53 you know,
so that's Damon Albran from Blurp and Howard
Donald from those Take Thats.
https://twitter.com/MeldrewPoint
* BUTT FUCKER 3000 - amusing short video where
some dude logs onto a court session using the
same name they were presumably using to cruise
for sex online. We've all done it.
https://twitter.com/KikkiPlanet/status/13922259085...
* THIS CAT DOES LIKE TO BE TOUCHED - nice
deadpan remix of a growling cat.
https://b3ta.com/links/Cat_doesnt_like_to_be_touch...
* TIKTOK REMIX CULTURE - One of the cute
features of TikTok is that you can create a new
video containing a video already on the site.
Used here to innovative and amusing effect:
https://twitter.com/Iameaschris/status/13912073969...
* THE DIET SUPPLEMENT YOU DON'T NEED - pretty
sure we linked this 15 years ago but if you're
after a very cheap laugh it still delivers.
https://b3ta.com/links/Some_adverts_dont_age_well
-------------------------------------------------
What's got two beards and is the opposite of a pyjama bottom?
ZZ Top
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
This week: Science in films
Make films more scientific. Correct the
terrible physics and chemistry mistakes in
movies or just put a test tube in people’s
hands for comedic effect.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scienceinfilms/popular/
-------------------------------------------------
"If Kurt Cobain had heard the music that the Foo
Fighters were going to make, he'd have turned
around and shot his drummer instead."
More alarming opinions here:
https://twitter.com/anon_opin
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* GOODBYE MUSHY - some of you commented on the
thread saying goodbye to the much loved B3tan
- it was good to read:
https://b3ta.com/board/11343352
* CIRCLE GAME UPDATE - Matt Round's draw a
circle game has gone viral on TikTok. He's a
hit with the kids!
https://tiktok.com/@.kmyathomas/video/695994792879...
* DID DAVID HOCKNEY HANG AROUND ON THE B3TA
BOARD? Our collective shiteness is very
reminiscent.
https://twitter.com/CaptMikeYates/status/139220054...
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Three / free ideas for you to jizz into reality
* KRAFTWERK TRIBUTE - Computer Love is forty
years ago this week but did you know the
computer terminal on the cover was named
Hazeltine 1500? It would be a good nerd
project for someone to use the actual terminal
to recreate the cover. It wouldn't have been
able to do pixel art but some ascii art.
* ARCHBISHOP OF BANTERBURY BOT - might be
vaguely amusing to get a bot to rewrite every
tweet from the actual Archbishop Of Canterbury
to add "havin' it large" or "just off for a
cheeky Nandos". Especially for the sombre
tweets about funerals of important people.
* REALISTIC JESUS AND MARY CHAIN SIMULATOR
10 input "Is it raining?", a$
20 if a$="yes" then print "we're happy" else
print "not happy about this"
Go on, make some stuff, you lazy fucking shits:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
Just a shout out to our favourite story this
week where Gwyneth Paltrow confessed to breaking
down and eating bread during quarantine. "I was
drinking seven nights a week and making pasta
and eating bread. I went totally off the rails."
We want to hang with you Gwen. Call us.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost sexually.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for something or
other. Proofing by Kat E.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. We love you and
do please donate as you get occasional bonus
content.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
