NEWSLETTER: "HERE'S THE RESULTS OF YOUR BUM TEST: IT'S BAD NEWS I'M AFRAID"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Moby/Goat crossover
* CHALLENGE - B3ta puzzles
* FROM THE ARCHIVES - Davros vs Hawking
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're teaching dogs
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | how to Google cats
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 806 - 11 Feb 2022
Read this issue whilst eating delicious sausages:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue806
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet love to their left hand
* MOBY'S 'GO' AS SUNG BY A GOAT - Bagpuss
writes, "What's not to like about turning
moody baldy Moby's shouty dancy ditty 'Go'
into a song celebrating a farmyard favourite?"
We are moderately amused. Moderately.
https://b3ta.com/links/Moby_Goat
* CHRISTMAS THEMED POP MUSIC INTERACTIVE
FICTION - Zebradaly writes, "hello please
consider my project for the newsletter. Your
work as a music video director takes you to
Old Codgers Shed of Videomancy. Will this be
your....... Last Christmas Ever?" OK, this was
content that was submitted at Christmas that
got lost in the cracks, but it's so eccentric
how could we not stick it in?
https://chip-fork.itch.io/last-ever
* PENIS WRISTS - Paul Kelly writes, "Long time
since writing", yep the last time Paul was in
touch it was 2010 and he was writing from a
cancer ward so clearly that worked out ok. "I
wanted to submit a stupid website I've created
- cockhands.com (it is safe to visit I
promise!). Any help would be appreciated."
Er.. honestly this isn't that safe to visit,
it's a photo of famous people with dicks for
hands. Stop it Paul, we're getting frightened.
But we're glad you're better.
https://cockhands.com
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: FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
Davros + Hawkings, together in Electric Dreams
Back in 2001 your B3ta editor had a brainwave
- maybe it would be entertaining if Davros &
Stephen Hawking duetted the Phil Oakey &
Giorgio Moroder classic 'Together In Electric
Dreams'. So he farmed out making the music to
his friend Andy Taylor and directing a video
to B3ta regular Chthonic. And what came back
was actually lovely, because Andy did a great
job of the music and Chthonic found the
emotional story at the heart of the stupid
suggestion and made it more than anything your
editor could have imagined himself. Anyway,
now back through emulation, we hope you're
reminded of a stupider time:
https://www2.b3ta.com/hawking/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely jeans and shirts
Hebtroco make clothes and make them in the UK,
not because they're Brexity twats, but because
they believe it's worth making jobs for people
in their community and not just farming
everything out overseas for the cheapest
price. This means their stuff is high quality,
made to last and also not the cheapest stuff
on the market, however it is some of the best.
Check out our sponsors as we would love them
even if we didn't find it very handy that they
financially help out with both B3ta and
Fesshole.
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols
Each week a sinister priest demands content
and you deliver, and here are his favourite
three nuggets of dubious fun of the last seven
days:
* INTERVIEW - "I had a job interview and
during small talk complimented them on their
decor. I got a rejection from them almost
immediately. They said they needed someone who
could tell the difference between a zoom
background and reality."
* SUPERMARKET - "My 4 year old started
entertaining me with pirate noises from her
seat in the supermarket trolley. I joined her
with lots of 'Arghs' for a good old laugh. I
looked around to validate my parenting and
feel great, only to see an old man with a
patch looking very unhappy."
* CALL CENTRE - "When I worked at a call
centre I used to use a silent letter form of
the phonetic alphabet just to fuck with
people's minds. P for pterodactyl, G for gnome
etc"
Join the 318,000 people who should have their
Nokia phones searched by Tosh from The Bill.
Link goes to the best of January so it's worth
a click as it's strong material, even if we
fucked up the formatting so it's too long and
narrow. We are fuckwits.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/14902489108576...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Nominations for the Cool Site of the Day Awards 1997
* EASY SYNTH - This minimalist synth is fun
because it takes such little effort to make a
pleasant noise. Shame it doesn't require three
more numbers, as we wanted to know what our
phone number sounded like.
https://boazsender.com/synths/minimalism.html
* ENTER THE SPAM BIN BY CHOICE - This tool
gives you some hidden rubbish you can cut and
paste into an email so that it stands a good
chance of going into the spam folder. Perfect
for getting out of going to terrible stag dos
or whatever it is people avoid these days.
Cholera maybe.
https://straight2spam.xyz/
* BINFLUENCERS - If you're ever made content
for the internet then you know you're
generally seeing how far you can stretch
enthusiasm and zero budget into actual stuff -
but see how the other half lives with the
progeny of the Beckhams spending $100,000 per
short Instagram video. What a pile of a putrid
whale wank.
https://nypost.com/2022/02/08/brooklyn-beckhams-co...
* EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT HOW AN ELECTRIC
GUITAR MAKES ITS TONE IS WRONG - you think
it's the wood? Nope. It's the strings and the
pickup. Fascinating. And makes us feel good
about our £250 guitar knowing that a £2,500
one isn't going to sound much better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* GENDERED VOCABULARY - Fascinating list of
words that apparently set men apart from women
in their vocabulary. Well, really it's tech vs
fashion, and obviously your mileage may vary
on this, but this male writer knew absolutely
bugger all of the women's list and his lady
partner knew most of both of them. So maybe
men are just crap.
https://twitter.com/jurijfedorov/status/1490151680...
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: FRIDAY GAME(s)
You are a sheep dog
We increasingly like games that function as
stress toys, and this does the trick. You
are a sheep dog, get your sheep in the pen.
Slow, and only mild peril involved. Running
in circles round the outside usually works.
https://tohu-bohu.itch.io/shepherd
BONUS GAME: Same rules as a Wikipedia Race but
with a thesaurus. As per every online quiz
from here on out, you may only play one round
a day due to Wardle's law of quiz virality.
https://dictionar.io
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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
The world as seen through Deluxe Paint
* HappyToast has been pondering what the Queen
really thinks of the Prime Minister
https://b3ta.com/board/11361111
* C_kick has been wondering how the Ukraine
negotiations are going with Vladimir Fuckface
https://b3ta.com/board/11361173
* Chumps is taking pot shot at our culture
minister Nadine Dorries
https://b3ta.com/board/11360922
Also we have a challenge open for you to make
'b3ta puzzles' with the idea that maybe one of
you might think up a sequel to Wordle, or at
least make a half OK joke about it:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/b3tapuzzlepage/popular
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* VETS WIN PRIZE - Andy Taylor nominated for
'best score' - part of the reason we slung up
the old B3ta anim Electric Dreams is that our
old friend who did the music has just been
nominated for something and we thought it
would be fun to have a 20 years later follow
up:
https://www.facebook.com/MetresApartFilm/videos/36...
* BUTTER THE DEVIL YOU KNOW - Butters has also
been nominated for an award for his work
'Boris Johnson Eats A Pot Noodle In The Bath'
in the categories BAA Audience Awards and the
new Wildcard Award. Nice.
https://twitter.com/RossButter/status/149171368921...
* MUTATED MONTY MOLE - Cyriak's early work
continues to shape pop culture in profoundly
disturbing ways:
https://b3ta.com/links/Cyriak_I_hope_youre_proud_o...
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Content ideas to inspire your brain farts
* HAS YOUR HERO DONE BLACKFACE? A social media
/ blog which systematically works through all
the entertainment greats from David Walliams
to Lol Tolhurst from the Cure and asks the one
question on everyone's mind, with documentary
evidence, have they done the BAD STUFF?
* STUPID GIG GUIDE - If there's anyone still
making sketch shows, a note-perfect recreation
of a late 1970s guide to gigs in the West
Midlands, with just 5% sillier names would
fill two minutes every week.
https://twitter.com/BBCArchive/status/149036441248...
* DRY JANUARY PLUG-IN - your editor was idly
doodling with an idea for people doing Dry
January who don't want to be triggered by
being reminded about booze all the time by
replacing mentions in the news with custard
and it's kinda delightful however he's too
lazy to actually finish the idea and make it
reach production:
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1490093011291...
Spaff your content up our email wall:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
you to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
This week it's 'Krang' who is apologising
Why does no one like Elvis Costello's solo
work on YouTube? Because they can't just see
the attractions.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
