NEWSLETTER: "BEST VIEWED ON INTERNET EXPLORER 6"
This Week:
* STUFF - There is stuff in this newsletter
* THINGS - And definitely some things
* JOKES - Nope, none of these
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to reveal the web smooth
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| skin... together"
B3ta email 807 - 18th Feb 2022
Read this issue in an angry voice to a call-centre:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue807
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet love to a Furby
* NON-EVIL CRYPTO CURRENCY - motty writes,
"I've invented a new cryptocurrency, the
EmmaGoldCoin. Since it runs on the No Code
platform, it's easy to use and 100% secure,
with zero environmental impact. Part joke,
part thought-experiment, maybe of interest to
b3ta readers?" Ah fuck it, we can bung this
in, but no NFT stuff ok?
https://github.com/wgmyers/egx/blob/main/README.md
* MAKING BOTS 101 - Your editor has got bored
of people asking him how to create automated
Twitter bots and has made a simple guide that
really, most of you just need to read the
first bit of, as that's the best bit as you
don't need any code. So go and build some
bots, you twats.
https://robmanuelfuckyeah.substack.com/p/how-to-cr...
* THE HUNT FOR MOON CATS - Michael.Wincott
writes, "Heard of Moon Cats? They were all the
rage in 1998 apparently. It’s not a fake
Pikachu because a Pikachu is a fake Moon Cat.
I want to track down the strange looking Moon
Cats around the world. I’ve managed to clean
out UK distributor ToyLand and the
manufacturers say it was discontinued almost
15 years ago. They must be out there. Got to
find them all." Well, if you absolutely must.
https://twitter.com/findthemooncat
-------------------------------------------------
: FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
Click the Colour And Not The Word
From the depths of the hell-pit of our old
Flash games comes this one that works on the
Stroop effect. We actually made it for some
Jimmy Carr TV show on Channel 4 but it was so
buried inside some other stuff that we pulled
it out and launched it as its own game and C4
never seemed to complain. Anyway thank fuck
for emulation.
https://www2.b3ta.com/clickthecolour/
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely jeans you lovely people
Each week we implore our readers to dress
better with the help of Hebtro. You can bin
your short-shorts and tank tops or whatever
the fuck you lot wear and buy jeans that are
build to climb mountains and eat steel. All
made in the UK too.
https://hebtro.co/shop/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up like cat vomit
Each week you spit your Covid phlegm into the
void and we scrub it down and offer up the
meatiest chunks for the internet's delectation
- here's our fav three:
* RING - "I've inherited a beautiful signet
ring that's been passed down the generations
from 18th century aristocracy. However,
whenever I have a wank, I can't help but think
about my dad who must have also wanked wearing
the ring. It's not ideal."
* FACEBOOK - "When my ex broke up with me he
left himself logged in to Facebook on my iPad.
I occasionally go through his conversations
and delete messages before he reads them. He
has missed quite a few important things..."
* LOTTO - "My ex has played the same numbers
on the lottery for years, we divorced a couple
of years ago and since then I've played 2
lines of the same numbers as they do. If they
- I mean we - win the jackpot they'll only get
a 1/3 of the jackpot at most."
Join the 329k people who should have their Zip
Drives inspected by Cagney AND Lacey.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
ZX type-ins we've lifted from other magazines
* INSTANT ART CURATION - This site is creating
lots of thematic galleries by choosing objects
and asking AI to find any painting in their
database of 90 galleries that contain it.
Sadly, it's a list of preset words, and it is
a highbrow site, so our gallery of things that
look like dicks will have to wait.
https://digitalcurator.art
* FORTUNE COOKIES FOR EMOJI TWATS - Try and
intuit what these emoji fortune cookies could
mean for your future. The ambiguity means it
works quite well to inspire meaning. I got a
biscuit, a toilet and an ambulance light, so
tomorrow should be fun.
https://emojifortunes.lukecod.es
* THE LIGHTHOUSE FAMILY - The first
'frequently asked question' on this lighthouse
website will make you feel a little sad. You
want to feel sad don't you?
https://alk.org.uk/faq/
* PRIVACY IS DEAD PART 353 - You know when you
pixelate text so that people can't read it?
Well turns out AI can read it and everything
is fucked now. Have fun applying this software
to redacted government documents.
https://www.bleepingcomputer.com/news/security/res...
* WILL YOU LOOK AT THE TAT PEOPLE ARE SELLING
NOW? Some chancer flogging children's coats as
balaclavas has to be seen to be believed.
We're looking at this for the third time and
still laughing.
https://twitter.com/themboydeerdog/status/14932574...
* STUN YOUR FAMILY WITH MAGIC - The card trick
at the start of this video is so simple and
yet so effective, we had a lot of fun
immediately trying it out on members of the
official B3ta family.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Some texty bullshit
Hiding behind no design and a name that makes
you assume it'll be yet another Wordle clone,
this is a fun but impossible little game. Can
you guess the word by how semantically similar
the computer thinks it is to your previous
guesses?
https://semantle.novalis.org
-------------------------------------------------
: THE RETURN OF GOATSE CORNER
Please don't bring this running feature back
Adamsarmada tells us that he's spotted Goatse
on streetview in South London. Looks like a
bit of a stretch.
https://www.google.com/maps/@51.4089508,-0.0410705...
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
Well sorta
* BLACKFACE IN UK COMEDY - We asked you to
make a website called "Has your hero done
blackface?" and Jim Mode7 points out that yep,
this already exists. Although to be fair, we
imagined someone would do a BETTER JOB of it.
https://britishcomediansinblackface.tumblr.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Free ideas to kick you off
* ADD THE LAMEST QUOTES FROM ALEX JAMES' SUN
COLUMN TO WIKIQUOTE - it slightly horrifies us
that the Blur bassist now writes for the Sun,
but what is sort of amusing about it is that
if you actually read the columns you can spot
the bits that are him (rambling rock and roll
anecdotes) and the bits added by some
lifestyle journalist ("eat bananas for
potassium!)
* PUT EXPANDING FOAM FILLER IN YOUR HAIR LIKE
CONDITIONER - this was something that went
through our mind with some DIY this week and
we'd rather you tried it rather than us.
* A READER SUGGESTS - Greenbat writes, "Back
in the 60's, it was a more innocent time, when
a millionaire owning a private tropical island
meant sci-fi aeroplanes and rescuing people.
Why has nobody done a Thunderbirds/Geoffrey
Epstein mashup?"
Shove your ideas in our inbox - we really do
read everything you send us. Even the
complaints that we're shit.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
you to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY!
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Electricgoose apologises for the following 'gag'
I once did some work on the side for Stanley
Kubrick
Moonlighting?
Yes, but don't tell the conspiracy theorists!
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
