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NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS ISSUE ALMOST CERTAINLY GUARANTEES THAT YOU'RE NOT DEAD YET - TRY IT"

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This Week:
* STUFF - Things you might want to look at
* NONSENSE - Things you might want to see
* MORE NONSENSE - and much more besides
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're invading the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    but calling it a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| liberation... together"

B3ta email 808 - 28th Feb 2022

Read this issue wondering if your penis has shrunk:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue808

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making trouble for postie

  * ANTI-NFT PROJECT - Jimmer writes, "NFTs are a
  load of crap. You know it, I know it, people who
  push them know it. They're mostly scams and are
  terrible for the environment, but generative art
  can be good... and free." Read the whole thread
  to make sense of it. And also FUCK NFTS.
https://twitter.com/NotanNFT1/status/1496256813020...

  * PAY US, YOU SHITS - Chuffley has written a
  dity about waiting to be paid for some freelance
  work - it's certainly relatable to anyone who's
  ever waited to to get paid ever.
https://b3ta.com/links/WMFMYSKA

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: B3TA DECLARES SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA
  This will surely bring the Kremlin to its knees

  We've banned traffic from Russia on b3ta.com -
  if Putin wants back his ability to post bad
  photoshops of cats he has to withdraw from
  Ukraine NOW. And that's him told.

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: FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
  Gruesome Twosomes

  From the Flash emulation dustbin we've pulled
  out the last Flash quiz we ever made, as there
  was so much shitty animation in the production,
  that we got kinda fed up making them. Still,
  some of it makes us laugh, including the wildly
  inappropriate and extremely detailed Robson &
  Jerome wanking scene.
https://www2.b3ta.com/gruesometwosomes/

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Buy some lovely jeans and hats and shirts

  Are you a man? Then you cover your shameful body
  in these highly durable clothes, that are made
  in the UK and are made to last. If you're a
  woman, and you have any men in your life, then
  it's ideal for presents too. THANKS HEBTRO! 
https://hebtro.co/shop/

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: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions fessed up for internet points

  Each week you shit chunks into our mouth and we
  swallow what we can and regurgitate the meatiest
  morsels for your delectation:

  * REVENGE SERVED WARM - "Split with the Mrs a
  few months ago as she was seeing someone else
  who she's now moved into our marital home. I
  still have the hive heating app on my phone. I
  keep turning up to maximum when they go to work.
  Hope it's costing them a fortune."

  * PARENTING TIPS - "I used to play hide & seek
  with my toddlers; they'd go upstairs and hide
  and I'd just sit down with a cuppa and randomly
  shout out 'I'm coming!! Where are you?! Oh no
  you're not there!' To make them think I was
  looking for them. Worked a treat for a peaceful
  15 mins."

  * DUMP HIM - "Men really annoy me when it comes
  to pooing. Why can't they just go about their
  business quietly like women? My boyfriend has to
  describe the 'absolute scenes' that have just
  occurred or 'bigger than King Kong's finger
  that'. I don't care."

  Join the 352k people who need their wax
  cylinders checked by Sherlock Holmes:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Sir Tim will never believe this...

  * THE TOTAL KAREN VORTEX - This site aims to
  give you the experience of what it is like to be
  called Karen and be on the internet. Type in
  your name and see what it is like having your
  name used as a fashionable insult.
  Alternatively, try and find names that work
  better than Karen to describe that archetype,
  such as Nadine.
https://karen.icey.one

  * REAL ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL - Someone has
  found a good use for Instagram at last and
  started a collection of snapshots taken by
  people who went to art school in the 90s.  It
  seems quite American, so a nice idea to steal if
  someone wants to make a UK-centric version of
  90s student life.
https://instagram.com/90sartschool/

  * THE HAIRY PORNFLAKE - In the mid 80s, Radio
  One DJ Dave Lee Travis published a book of his
  photography, which was entirely made up of minor
  female celebs acting out their fears in a very
  literal way. This way for photos of Floella
  Benjamin in a bin. BTW: On Friday 26 September
  2014, DLT was sentenced to three months in
  prison, suspended for two years.
https://twitter.com/revpeterlaws/status/1495547943...

  * REMEMBER DVDS? This site collects rips of
  directors' commentaries to download. Basically
  podcasts from before there were podcasts. Why
  not sync them to your Microsoft Zune and go for
  a walk in the metaverse?
https://thedirectorscommentary.tumblr.com/

  * WORST MUSEUM EVER - This description of
  working at the London Sherlock Holmes Museum has
  to be read to be believed. 
https://t.co/BpiajMJt0g

  * SHIT LOL - This extremely fast scooter will
  make you smile and temporarily forget about
  World War III and the destruction of everything
  you've known and loved.
https://b3ta.com/links/extremely_fast_scooter

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: FRIDAY GAME
  Pixelated image spotter thingie

  The amount of one-a-day quizzes that have come
  in the wake of Wordle means you could probably
  make a site that loads one of them every day by
  now. In this one you must guess the pixelated
  image at as low resolution as possible.
https://pixler.io

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: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
  A sideways glance at the news through Corel Draw

  Here's our favourite three images from the b3ta
  board this week.

  * TOPICAL WEATHER JOKE - thank you Chumps 
https://b3ta.com/board/11361821

  * CLEVER TUBE STATION JOKE - from the brilliant
  Monkeon
https://b3ta.com/board/11361830

  * JUST A TERRIBLE PUN - Yes, thank you The
  Legendary Pink Dot
https://b3ta.com/board/11361842

  We've also got a weather challenge open, which
  was topical when we opened it but now everyone
  is going on about other stuff so fuck it.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/weather/popular/

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: THE RETURN OF GOATSE CORNER 
  Part II, oh god, why are you doing this to us

  Jack Bremer writes, "Glad to hear we're bringing
  goatse corner back, especially with a South
  London bent - here you go, they've taken this
  astonishing logo down now, but if you jump back
  in time in Streetview you get..."
https://t.co/GMF1ZNqlnW

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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
  Followy-ups on previous story-worys

  Glans Christian Anderson writes, "I just came up
  with a game thanks to Monkeon's fantastic John
  Peel Roulette page, called Hit The Fall. Keep
  pressing the button to see how many presses it
  takes to land in the middle of a Fall song. I
  just made it in four (Siouxsie, Buzzcocks, some
  rap group I didn't recognise, then The Mixer
  from Shift-Work). Immediately after that, it
  took only five more presses to jump to Garden
  from Perverted By Language. Bit of a drought
  after that... the game could be expanded to
  incorporate HMHB, Ivor Cutler, Weddoes etc.
  Bonus points for Teenage Kicks." 
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/johnpeelroulette/

-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Project ideas to kick the internet up the anus

  * PUTINCAST - Podcast idea. Starts with
  presenter knowing NOTHING about Putin & picks up
  a phone and finds a historian to tell them. Each
  episode a different expert until 10 eps in, we
  all know what we're talking about. Well, we just
  mean we'd quite like something like this coz we
  don't know shit.

  * LOLLY STICK JOKES TEXT EMULATOR - a tool where
  we can write anything on a lolly stick, for
  example a recent @anon_opin "Celebrities' teeth
  have got completely out of hand."

  * PARASITES AS INTERNAL PETS - why not get
  intestinal worms as your own Tummygotchi?

  Drop a shit through our internet letterbox, we
  inspect any turds that you do, for chunks of
  goodness.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat.

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg. YAY!

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
  Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic apologies...

  What do you call an alien with no eyes?
  Alen
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

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