NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS ISSUE ALMOST CERTAINLY GUARANTEES THAT YOU'RE NOT DEAD YET - TRY IT"
This Week:
* STUFF - Things you might want to look at
* NONSENSE - Things you might want to see
* MORE NONSENSE - and much more besides
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're invading the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | but calling it a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| liberation... together"
B3ta email 808 - 28th Feb 2022
Read this issue wondering if your penis has shrunk:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue808
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making trouble for postie
* ANTI-NFT PROJECT - Jimmer writes, "NFTs are a
load of crap. You know it, I know it, people who
push them know it. They're mostly scams and are
terrible for the environment, but generative art
can be good... and free." Read the whole thread
to make sense of it. And also FUCK NFTS.
https://twitter.com/NotanNFT1/status/1496256813020...
* PAY US, YOU SHITS - Chuffley has written a
dity about waiting to be paid for some freelance
work - it's certainly relatable to anyone who's
ever waited to to get paid ever.
https://b3ta.com/links/WMFMYSKA
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: B3TA DECLARES SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA
This will surely bring the Kremlin to its knees
We've banned traffic from Russia on b3ta.com -
if Putin wants back his ability to post bad
photoshops of cats he has to withdraw from
Ukraine NOW. And that's him told.
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: FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
Gruesome Twosomes
From the Flash emulation dustbin we've pulled
out the last Flash quiz we ever made, as there
was so much shitty animation in the production,
that we got kinda fed up making them. Still,
some of it makes us laugh, including the wildly
inappropriate and extremely detailed Robson &
Jerome wanking scene.
https://www2.b3ta.com/gruesometwosomes/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely jeans and hats and shirts
Are you a man? Then you cover your shameful body
in these highly durable clothes, that are made
in the UK and are made to last. If you're a
woman, and you have any men in your life, then
it's ideal for presents too. THANKS HEBTRO!
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for internet points
Each week you shit chunks into our mouth and we
swallow what we can and regurgitate the meatiest
morsels for your delectation:
* REVENGE SERVED WARM - "Split with the Mrs a
few months ago as she was seeing someone else
who she's now moved into our marital home. I
still have the hive heating app on my phone. I
keep turning up to maximum when they go to work.
Hope it's costing them a fortune."
* PARENTING TIPS - "I used to play hide & seek
with my toddlers; they'd go upstairs and hide
and I'd just sit down with a cuppa and randomly
shout out 'I'm coming!! Where are you?! Oh no
you're not there!' To make them think I was
looking for them. Worked a treat for a peaceful
15 mins."
* DUMP HIM - "Men really annoy me when it comes
to pooing. Why can't they just go about their
business quietly like women? My boyfriend has to
describe the 'absolute scenes' that have just
occurred or 'bigger than King Kong's finger
that'. I don't care."
Join the 352k people who need their wax
cylinders checked by Sherlock Holmes:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Sir Tim will never believe this...
* THE TOTAL KAREN VORTEX - This site aims to
give you the experience of what it is like to be
called Karen and be on the internet. Type in
your name and see what it is like having your
name used as a fashionable insult.
Alternatively, try and find names that work
better than Karen to describe that archetype,
such as Nadine.
https://karen.icey.one
* REAL ART SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL - Someone has
found a good use for Instagram at last and
started a collection of snapshots taken by
people who went to art school in the 90s. It
seems quite American, so a nice idea to steal if
someone wants to make a UK-centric version of
90s student life.
https://instagram.com/90sartschool/
* THE HAIRY PORNFLAKE - In the mid 80s, Radio
One DJ Dave Lee Travis published a book of his
photography, which was entirely made up of minor
female celebs acting out their fears in a very
literal way. This way for photos of Floella
Benjamin in a bin. BTW: On Friday 26 September
2014, DLT was sentenced to three months in
prison, suspended for two years.
https://twitter.com/revpeterlaws/status/1495547943...
* REMEMBER DVDS? This site collects rips of
directors' commentaries to download. Basically
podcasts from before there were podcasts. Why
not sync them to your Microsoft Zune and go for
a walk in the metaverse?
https://thedirectorscommentary.tumblr.com/
* WORST MUSEUM EVER - This description of
working at the London Sherlock Holmes Museum has
to be read to be believed.
https://t.co/BpiajMJt0g
* SHIT LOL - This extremely fast scooter will
make you smile and temporarily forget about
World War III and the destruction of everything
you've known and loved.
https://b3ta.com/links/extremely_fast_scooter
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: FRIDAY GAME
Pixelated image spotter thingie
The amount of one-a-day quizzes that have come
in the wake of Wordle means you could probably
make a site that loads one of them every day by
now. In this one you must guess the pixelated
image at as low resolution as possible.
https://pixler.io
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: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
A sideways glance at the news through Corel Draw
Here's our favourite three images from the b3ta
board this week.
* TOPICAL WEATHER JOKE - thank you Chumps
https://b3ta.com/board/11361821
* CLEVER TUBE STATION JOKE - from the brilliant
Monkeon
https://b3ta.com/board/11361830
* JUST A TERRIBLE PUN - Yes, thank you The
Legendary Pink Dot
https://b3ta.com/board/11361842
We've also got a weather challenge open, which
was topical when we opened it but now everyone
is going on about other stuff so fuck it.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/weather/popular/
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: THE RETURN OF GOATSE CORNER
Part II, oh god, why are you doing this to us
Jack Bremer writes, "Glad to hear we're bringing
goatse corner back, especially with a South
London bent - here you go, they've taken this
astonishing logo down now, but if you jump back
in time in Streetview you get..."
https://t.co/GMF1ZNqlnW
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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
Followy-ups on previous story-worys
Glans Christian Anderson writes, "I just came up
with a game thanks to Monkeon's fantastic John
Peel Roulette page, called Hit The Fall. Keep
pressing the button to see how many presses it
takes to land in the middle of a Fall song. I
just made it in four (Siouxsie, Buzzcocks, some
rap group I didn't recognise, then The Mixer
from Shift-Work). Immediately after that, it
took only five more presses to jump to Garden
from Perverted By Language. Bit of a drought
after that... the game could be expanded to
incorporate HMHB, Ivor Cutler, Weddoes etc.
Bonus points for Teenage Kicks."
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/johnpeelroulette/
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Project ideas to kick the internet up the anus
* PUTINCAST - Podcast idea. Starts with
presenter knowing NOTHING about Putin & picks up
a phone and finds a historian to tell them. Each
episode a different expert until 10 eps in, we
all know what we're talking about. Well, we just
mean we'd quite like something like this coz we
don't know shit.
* LOLLY STICK JOKES TEXT EMULATOR - a tool where
we can write anything on a lolly stick, for
example a recent @anon_opin "Celebrities' teeth
have got completely out of hand."
* PARASITES AS INTERNAL PETS - why not get
intestinal worms as your own Tummygotchi?
Drop a shit through our internet letterbox, we
inspect any turds that you do, for chunks of
goodness.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY!
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic apologies...
What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
