NEWSLETTER: "PEOPLE WHO OPEN NEWSLETTERS LIVE LONGER AND HAVE REGULAR SEX"
This Week:
* SALAD FINGERS - Back like Rick Asley
* VIDEO - Kids visit Karl Marx
* MUSIC - Gothic Rock Chipmunk Album
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Turned out that saving
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web was a bad idea &
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| we're very sorry, ok?"
B3ta email 810 - 18 Mar 2022
Read this issue on the grave of your dead dreams:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue810
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making trouble about the bins again
* SALAD FINGERS IS BACK - David Firth tells
b3ta, "I just think there needs to be more
necro-bestiality in the world of post-flash
animation... I made it a specific way, pretty
much ignoring everything I have learnt since
2006. I just wanted to make a good old fashioned
flash cartoon. For old times."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* KIDS VISIT KARL MARX - Tickle has given us, "A
song about my dad taking me to the park as a kid
in London and then to visit Karl Marx's grave
like an absolute communist." Honestly we're
throwing this in largely because we've taken our
kids to nose at Karl Marx too, what else is
there to do on a Sunday afternoon in North
London?
http://b3ta.com/links/1583611
* BEATLES HELP PRINT - Our pet artist Dr Dunno
is making more Beatles prints. This one is a
full imagining of the cool house where the
Beatles live in Help, and we confess, we pushed
him to draw this, as we want to live there. We'd
fling the Beatles out mind you.
https://twitter.com/printthebarker/status/15001537...
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols
Each week you shit in a bin and we strain it for
nuggets of super-shit that we can toss onto the
social media for 1000s of worthless likes and
personal abuse:
* M&S - "I've discovered there's a teenager girl
working at my M&S food store who can't be
bothered with difficult to scan or missing
barcodes. She just pretends to put them through
and you get the item for free. So now I seek her
out and purposely damage a couple of barcodes."
* ARRIVA - "I'm a bus driver. If I'm having a
bad day at work, I'll look in the mirror while
driving, and mutter to myself 'you're all cunts
aren't you?' and then tap the brakes twice so
they all nod."
* GREGGS "I found the Greggs coffee stamp on
eBay for £20. I've not paid for a coffee from
Greggs in over 2 years." BTW: We fact-checked
this by looking on eBay, and at the time of
going to press, the price had gone up to £30.
Join the 408k people who should have their
Woolworths C15 tapes inspected by Dempsey and
Makepeace. Link goes to the best of February
2022, so worth a click as each one has the
potential to make a tiny muscle to the side of
your mouth twitch like the onset of a stroke.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/15002019518201...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some jeans, go on you've got cold legs
Brr! Yes Spring is on its way but it's still
like fucking ice in B3ta towers, and there's
only one solution. A pair of sturdy jeans from
our sponsors Hebtrocococococo. Why not buy two
pairs, so you're not cold when you've stuck one
in the wash?
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
Have A Little Drink
From the ancient Flash archives comes this
little ditty that was recorded by your
newsletter editor whilst he was waiting for a
nameless collaborator who, in 2002 or whatever,
hadn't turned up to collaborate on something
because he was too pissed.
https://www2.b3ta.com/drink/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Future broken links for the Wayback Machine
* GOTH CHIPMUNK ALBUM - If you slow the
Chipmunks down so that the voices are normal,
the backing tracks are so low and grungy it's
like the best series of murky goth covers ever.
We genuinely listened to the whole album and
loved it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* WANT TO FEEL OLD? TOUCH OUR BALLS - Someone
has made a "make you feel old" tool which tells
you which world events were closer to World War
2 than now. Ok they've buried it in a load of
preamble at the top, like they're writing a
recipe on the internet, so scroll down.
https://kryogenix.org/days/2016/08/11/feeling-old/
* BEST EUROVISION ENTRY SINCE DAZ SAMPSON - This
year’s UK Eurovision entry is actually ok? The
song is fine and the video, well, as it's all
riffing on Ceefax visuals, is totally up our
street. We hope the live show will have the band
all dressed as Minitel terminals to shore up the
French vote.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* YOUR TERRIBLE TWEETS AS QUOTES - This twitter
bot turns any tweet into a portentous quote.
I'm not sure if the intention was to be a
sarcastic trolling device, but seeing any tweet
framed as a profound statement really makes them
all seem incredibly smug.
https://twitter.com/MakeItAQuote/
* THIS SHOULD HOW ALL CALLS FOR CONTENT SHOULD
BE RUN - Clip from an ancient radio broadcast of
BBC Children's Hour where they'd asked for poems
to be sent in and then decided they were all too
shit to read out. Gloriously brutal. Imagine the
nation of sobbing kids.
https://b3ta.com/links/This_is_gloriously_brutal
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It would be remiss of us to not mention that
this @anon_opin "Nobody wants to see your cat
walking across camera in your work video call.
It's not cute, it's annoying and unprofessional"
was totally ratio'd. Check out those quote
tweets. A small lesson in why people post idiot
opinions on the internet, it's free publicity.
https://twitter.com/anon_opin/status/1500772002713...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Kitty goes fishing
We saw an advert for a big budget guns-and-war
game today and thought who the fuck wants that
in their life at the moment? In this indie
game, you play a cat going fishing. We played it
until it crashed. BTW: This game is very
reminiscent of a subgame in Pokemon, or was it
Zelda, one of those two on the GameBoy anyway.
https://krystalcoconut.itch.io/catfish
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: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
Results from the Putin challenge (so far)
This week B3ta has mostly been obsessed with
that swell guy Vladimir Putin:
* Octo brings us Putin contemplating the button
with a reference to the comedy writer that shall
not be named:
https://b3ta.com/board/11362781
* Ballymoran has noticed a certain parallel
between two leaders of our age:
https://b3ta.com/board/11362658
* MC Chicken Sandwich is just doing a text gag.
Nothing wrong with a text gag, comedy was built
on them:
https://b3ta.com/board/11362766
And you can see all 116+ entries over on Bee
three tea aye dot com on slowly disintegrating
internet:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/putin2/popular/
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: THE RETURN OF GOATSE CORNER
Four weeks in now, please stop
Wingnutkj writes, "Since Goatse corner sadly
seems to be a thing again, you might be
interested to see this photo I took of the
'About Us' video projection art thing at Paisley
Abbey."
https://imgur.com/a/i3PfH5h
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Free ideas to kick you off
* NAME THAT INTRO, 80s EDITION - a version of
heardle.app that's just 1980s pop music so it
doesn't confuse the old folk
* A VERSION OF OBLIQUE STRATEGIES FOR BUSINESS -
"Sack everyone not making money" "Leave
take-over rumours on the whiteboard" "Let the
most junior person take the blame"
* A VERSION OF TINDER TO FIND BETTER CHILDREN
THAN YOUR OWN - could call it... Kinder
Shove our ideas into our moist, welcoming inbox:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY!
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Bigshape apologies
What do bats and cats have in common?
ats
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
