NEWSLETTER: "ISSUE 811 OF PRINCESS DIANA'S FAVOURITE NEWSLETTER, PROBABLY, HAD SHE LIVED"
This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Books that don't exist
* INTRODUCING... The 'Gowl' Detector
* BRITPOP - Relive the Oasis vs Blur battle
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 811 - 25 Mar 2022
Read this doing a Welsh accent that doesn't go iffy:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue811
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making trouble at home
* BATTLE OF BRITPOP - Monkeon writes - "I have
made a new trumps game for fans of 1995 chart
scraps. Warning: May Contain Bonehead."
Remember the Oasis vs Blur chart battle of 26
years ago, well this time it's back, as if it
were a free gift stuck to Select Magazine.
https://monkeon.co.uk/battleofbritpop/
* GOODBYE, MR GIFFY - B3ta lowers flags to
half-mast at the news that the inventor of the
GIF, Stephen Wilhite, has died of COVID-19. We
pay tribute in the only way we can, linking out
to our bot that posts random gifs from
GEOCITIES.
https://twitter.com/search
* INTRODUCING THE 'GOWL DETECTOR' - James
Kelleher has been using AI to detect 'gowls' in
video. Now, with the newsletter team not being
Irish we had to ask for an explanation and James
tells us "A gowl is basically just a fool.
Actually, 'fool' doesn’t capture it. Just an
awful person to be around." Then James
continues, hopefully not personally, "and a 'dry
shite' is a complete bore."
https://twitter.com/etienneshrdlu/status/150623558...
* WHAT A LOVELY HAT - 'Barry From The Shit Farm'
has spent his week making a Boba Fett hat for
his nephew. What a lucky nephew.
https://b3ta.com/links/1583802
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, fessed up for cheap lols
Each week we ask you fib into a Google form and
then we share the most entertaining fibs for
worthless internet points:
* GOOD IDEA FOR A NEW TWITTER ACCOUNT - "I set
up a complaint box at work. People think HR set
it up but it was me. At the end of every week I
take the box home and read about all this petty
drama that's been built up."
* KARMA - "I had a blazing row with my husband
about not storing our new skirting board under
our bed, poking out & causing a trip hazard.
That evening when he tripped over it in the dark
and wrecked himself against the wall was one of
the greatest moments of my life."
* TOO RELATABLE - "My husband has started a
football podcast with his friends and thinks he
is now a celebrity. It's awful. I cringe every
time."
Now this is the bit where we boast how much the
account has grown (430k!) and then link to it,
however this week we're linking to the newly
launched Instagram version that only posts the
best one each day, as we figure repeating the
exact same format on all platforms is too much
like a good idea.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Get yourself a woolly jumper
Hebtro are now selling woolly jumpers like your
Nan used to knit. We've already got two and will
probably share some embarrassing photos soon
enough. Get yours now, they're great:
https://hebtro.co/product-category/jumpers/
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: FROM THE B3TA ARCHIVES
Pornalike Quiz
Christ we really made some crap in the heyday of
B3ta, this quiz is sexist, too long and the
theme tune really irritates. If we could give
notes to ourselves 15 years ago: mix in more
men, have the theme tune vary a bit, we hear
that intro too often, limit to 10 questions max.
https://www2.b3ta.com/pornalike-quiz/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff to make Sir Berners-Lee renounce his knighthood
* FROM THIS WEEK IN CRYPTO RESISTANCE - An
attempt to show what social media will be like
when Jack Dorsey gets his weird tech-bro dream
and the internet is ruined with web3 shit. A bit
too po-faced in execution, but it makes its
point.
https://welcome2web3.com
* IS YOUR KITCHEN TRYING TO KILL YOU? - From the
URL, we were expecting a troll site encouraging
people to zap their phones to death, but this
(to our limited knowledge) does appear to be
something that would work should you be worried
that your microwave is trying to kill you.
https://ismymicrowaveleaking.isotropic.us
* THE MOST RACIST LOOKING COMEDIAN IN THE UK -
funny skit from an English dude who looks like a
traditional English racist but doesn't share
such opinions.
https://b3ta.com/links/Problems_with_looking_racis...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Guess the actor
An enjoyable IMDb quiz in which you must guess
the mystery actor. The idea that makes it work
is that when you guess the wrong actor from the
right film, any films they both appeared in are
revealed, thus allowing you to make a tactical
choice rather than it just being guesswork.
Shoehorned into the Wordle format for no reason
as always.
https://actorle.com
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: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
The world as reimagined through Amstrad GPaint
Each week you use pixels to make us lol and we
hate you for it. Here's the best:
* Happy Toast has been imagining what a lovely
time on the beach Boris Johnson has had on his
holidays
https://b3ta.com/board/11363298
* Dick Wonder has been pondering the world of
shitting in bottles
https://b3ta.com/board/11363594
* Monkeon has produced a stunning work of satire
that Boris Johnson will never recover from
https://b3ta.com/board/11362885
NEW CHALLENGE, BOOKS - authors are remembered
for their best work, but what about their other
books: the shit ones that they'd rather forget?
Show us lesser known books by popular authors.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/theirotherbooks/popular...
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Some ideas to kick you off
* AMSTRAD CPC BASIC BOT - you know those Twitter
bots that allow you to code the BBC Micro? Can
someone make one for the Amstrad please, as we
only support Locomotive BASIC at B3ta Towers
* JK ROWLING'S BUSINESS PARTNER SIMULATION - You
play the head of the film studio that makes her
films and theme parks. What has she said on
Twitter now? How does it affect your bottom
line?
* NAME THAT DRUM MACHINE - throw up photos of
CR78s and BOSS Dr-55's and crowdsource new names
for them like Dave. Yes this IS a filler item as
we couldn't think of a third item.
Stick your content into our content hole you
champs.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY!
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
This week an apology from Cumquat May
Why did Bonnie Tyler subscribe to the
Cardiologist Network YouTube channel? She wanted
total e-clips of the heart
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
