NEWSLETTER: "READING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL MAKE YOUR GENITALS GROW 10 INCHES"
"Reading this newsletter will make your genitals grow 10 inches"
This Week:
* FESSHOLE BOOK ANNOUCEMENT - consider it 'announced'
* MATT ROUND MAKES 'ROUND' GAME - and explains 'how'
* B3TAN'S PENIS - as seen from Space
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 815 - 22 Apr 2022
Read this issue out over a Trevor Horn remix:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue815
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
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If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
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https://upshot.email/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making farts and wees and poos
* MATT ROUND HAS MADE ANOTHER CIRCLE GAME - it's
a variation on the old flash Fish game where you
had to eat the smaller fish and avoid the bigger
fish.
https://vole.wtf/bokeh/
He's also documented his process making the
game, in the hope that it inspires you to get
off your fat arses and create some content to
feed the insatiable maw of the Internet.
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1514578390623...
* B3TAN'S PENIS CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE -
Wildyles writes: "Before the field behind my
house was developed into houses I went out with
a petrol mower and mowed a 150m cock and balls
(3 pubes per ball of course). It's long gone
now, and Google maps didn't pick it up at the
time, so I thought it was lost forever. It turns
out BING maps have no shame when it comes to
massive love lengths."
https://b3ta.com/links/My_penis_is_so_large_you_ca...
* 1980S POP SONGS VS 8-BIT GAMES - We're doing
1980s pop songs as video games over on our
internet website - do join in coz this is the
challenge we were born to RUN:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/80spopgames/popular
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: FESSHOLE BOOK
Yes, the book is announced
You asked for it - you really did - you asked
for a book so we're doing one. It's going to be
simple as fuck, just some of the funniest
confessions, packaged up to make the perfect
gift for your rotten Uncle who hates life but
still can be made to laugh at the misfortune of
others. Preorder it now so that it'll encourage
bookshops to stock it. Thank you, you lovely
bastards.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...
PS. All other books are now obsolete.
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: INTRODUCING 'GREEN WASH BOT'
How to never work in advertising again. With code
Your editor, this week, was asked to make a
version of the Pay Gap Bot but oriented around
advertising agencies who shout about Earth Day
on their tweets but make ads for fossil fuel
companies between the sheets. HE GOT BUSY.
https://twitter.com/greenwashbot
There's a 'making of' thread here, because Matt
Round did something similar and we thought it
was a nice idea so we're copying him. See, Matt,
you're an influencer now.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1517547946492...
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up for cheap lols
Each week we ask you to shit in a bin and we
fish out the most sinister turds for closer
inspection:
* CLEVER BUT EVIL - "When attending a customer's
home as a tradesman I'll often hand them a five
pound note as they answer the door and claim it
must belong to them as I found it on the path.
The instant trust this creates makes it a lot
easier to overcharge them later on."
* HAVE YOU EVER BEEN THIS DRUNK? - "Quite drunk
and needing a piss I went to the toilet in the
club, fuck knows how I did this but I unzipped
and pulled out my left bollock thinking I've got
my dick and pissed myself."
* ARE MEN OK? "I'm 32 years old and still argue
with children online over fifa. Recently I
screenshotted my bank balance to win an
argument, with what turned out to be a 12 year
old. That'll learn him."
Link goes to the best of for March 2022 - so
it's probably worth a click. Join the 479,000
people who need their ZX Spectrum tapes
inspected by Danger Mouse etc etc:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/15153114215291...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely jeans for your lovely trim legs
Look at your legs, are you happy with the jeans
covering them? Wouldn't you be happier if your
beautiful legs were dressed in Hebtroco jeans,
that were made in Britain and made to last. YES
YOU WOULD BE HAPPIER. Embrace happiness through
clothes.
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff to make .net magazine fly off the shelves in Smiths
* ARE YOU AN AI ARSEHOLE? This AI has been fed
on posts from Reddit's Am I The Asshole
community. Tell it your worst secret, or just
copy-and-paste something from Fesshole and see
what advice robot Reddit gives (when it hasn't
reached its API limits, anyway).
https://areyoutheasshole.com
* LET'S REVIEW STUFF THAT DOESN'T NEED REVIEWING
- Neal Dot Fun's latest is to review everything
on earth from sneezing to midnight. All the
things you can't review on Amazon because Bezos
hasn't learnt how to flog concepts yet.
Brilliant idea - lovely execution.
https://neal.fun/earth-reviews/
* MADE-UP BAND SPOTIFY - Nestflix but for
fictional bands instead of fictional movies is a
great idea. Unfortunately this great idea has
been shoved into this half-arsed Wordpress
template and only has 30 entries. I'd like to
see this done properly (i.e. like Nestflix), the
test of quality research being if they get around
to featuring The Banned off EastEnders.
https://spotifictional.com
* FUCK CHROME - 10 years ago the comic
explaining genius Scott McCloud helped launch
Chrome by making a comic about it. Now
subversive artist Leah Elliott has taken the
panels and rewritten the text to tell you while
you should consider using something else.
https://contrachrome.com/
* 3D PENCIL BOTHERER- You know those panorama
photos you can take on your phone that end up
all 3D? This dude draws them.
https://kuula.co/profile/paulheaston
* "WE'RE JUST INNOCENT MEN" EXPLAINED - the
children's TV clip that was everywhere this
week. We're relieved to get a bit of backstory
here.
https://b3ta.com/links/Were_just_innocent_men
* STAR TREK TNG - THE ANIMATED SERIES -
perfectly filmed recreation of a TV series that
never was but so should have been.
https://b3ta.com/links/Star_Trek_The_Next_Generati...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Bloody difficult Wikipedia game
This week's game, that's vaguely in the format
of Wordle, is Redactle which removes most of the
important words from a Wikipedia page and then
asks you to guess what it is. Honestly it's
fucking impossible but it's still sorta
interesting to have a go.
https://www.redactle.com/
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Ideas to kick your brain into the canal
* PROMOTER PODCAST - loved this story from
Popbitch about some comedian demanding a
percentage of the carpark profit for his show.
Made us briefly fantasise about running a
podcast where we talk to promoters about how the
money works and also get bits of gossip. Can
someone else do that please, as we only have one
life and it sounds like a lot of effort.
https://twitter.com/PerthshireMags/status/15172618...
* MAD CALCULATOR BOT - Cyriak is still
occasionally posting photos of his broken
calculator - someone should help him automate
this:
https://twitter.com/cyriakharris/status/1514546701...
* A VERSION OF HEARDLE THAT'S ONLY THE BEATLES -
or Cure songs, or, we suppose, David Sylvian
songs for the really dedicated.
Stick your email penis into our inbox anus and
don't complain about the stink.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY!
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
The Porcupine From Purgatory wishes to apologies
Which hip-hop producer has a head full of squirrels?
Dr Drey
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
