NEWSLETTER: "IT'S LIKE THE RADIO TIMES BUT FOR UNFUNNY WEBSITES"
This Week:
* GAME - Guess the pop video thingie
* LAST CHANCE - For Fesshole LIVE tickets
* CONTRIBUTE - to the Festival Of Brexit
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Celebrating the People's
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Republic of Socialist
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Barnet... together"
B3ta email 817 - 06 May 2022
Read this issue in the voice of Pam Ayers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue817
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than spoiling their ballot papers
* BORIS MOCKING MASH-UP - CassetteBoy tells
B3ta, "Still churning these out. As bad as Boris
is, personally I'm glad Sajid Javid isn't PM,
man his intonation is flat and boring."
https://b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_The_Tories_a...
* POP VIDEO GUESSING GAME - B3ta user 'Seriesly
AWESOME' has a made a "A Wordle for music
videos" where you have to "Guess a daily music
video within a max of 6 stills" We actually got
today's one which made us feel in touch with the
youth, unlike that incident outside a school
which we've already explained to the police.
https://www.musicvidle.com/
* FESTIVAL OF BREXIT - your editor was reminded
that Theresa May promised us a Festival Of
Brexit, which now has morphed into UnBoxed2022,
and we've decided to steal the original title
back, ideally to have an exhibition of photos of
farmers throwing pigs into incinerators and
fishermen at the job centre, but that's a lot of
effort, so in the meantime we're doing a survey
on how your business was affected by Brexit. If
this all goes well we'll stick it all in a
Wicker Man and burn it. Or not.
https://bit.ly/festivalofbrexit
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some beautiful cloths for your lovely body
Each week we implore you to check out our
sponsor's website where they list all the
British-made clothes they make, all designed to
last a long long time, and all available for you
to buy and help persuade Hebtroco to keep up
with sponsoring our many stupid projects like
B3ta and the bots so we don't have to admit
defeat and go and work on the bins.
https://hebtro.co/shop/
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: LAST CHANCE FOR FESSHOLE LIVE!
Final London date, for now
Your editor is doing Fesshole Live this Weds in
a Central London theatre with HUGE SCREENS and
200 seats. Last time we did it we had audience
member getting on stage and confessing to losing
a sex toy up her bum and having to have surgery
to get it out. Make sure you come as the two
London dates are the only ones planned.
https://www.designmynight.com/london/whats-on/come...
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for internet "lols"
Each week you shit in a bin and we sieve out the
solid chunks from the brown soup and inspect
each one for gold:
* RELATABLE - "I created a time capsule in
lockdown and decided to put my spare car key in
there so future people could see what a car key
was as all cars will be keyless I assume?
Needless to say I had to dig it up last week as
I lost my original key and now my garden's a
mess."
* ALSO RELATABLE - "About 15 years ago a woman
tutted behind me at a parking ticket machine
because my card didn't work the first time. I
truly think I hate her more than any of my real
enemies because I still think about it and wish
I'd turned around and told her to fuck off."
* SMART BUSINESS - "I run a bed & breakfast
place. I thought we'd go bankrupt during Covid.
So I changed the decor in each room, upgraded
the internet, and now rent the rooms as
streaming studios. Mostly to cam girls / guys.
Makes good money. But can't help wondering if
I'm now a brothel keeper?"
Join the 495k people who need their PKZIP files
expanded by Mrs Marple:
http://twitter.com/fesshole
PS. Pre-order the Fesshole book and you'll get a
chance to win a leopard. The chance is zero but
that's still measurable.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Web User Magazine's Best New URLs (Jul 22 issue)
* KELLY ROWLAND NOKIA SPREADSHEET SIM -
Recreating something from a 20 year old pop
video is the sort of pointless project we
heartily approve of, and this site recreates the
Nokia 9210 that appears in the video of Dilemma
by Nelly. It even allows you to receive a text
from Kelly Rowland herself.
https://phone-from-dilemma.glitch.me
* ABBEY ROAD BASS EDITION - Well this 'Abbey
Road but only Paul McCartney's bass' is quite
something. Imagine how good your songs would be
with this dude writing gripping melodies all
over the place using only his thumb.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* YOUR HORSE MAGAZINE - Have you ever wanted a
list of every .horse domain ever registered? "A
monument to late-night impulse purchases of bad
jokes." writes the compiler. Now someone make a
follow-up project that documents any interesting
finds - many 404 but we did find an artist's
portfolio site.
https://every.horse/
* CREEPY MONKEY DOLL - Daily Mail is now selling
"the first ever hugging monkey" and we want a 10
part Netflix documentary about the weirdos who'd
live with this.
https://twitter.com/pointlesslettrs/status/1520406...
* CONFUSING GERMAN MUSIC - Zuowan writes, "Well,
imagine it was 2006 and b3ta was for some reason
a German website, and instead of a novelty ska
song or something we managed to put together an
absolute banger. I imagine it would be almost
exactly like this." Oi! Don't be mean about our
chums.
https://b3ta.com/links/GROSSSTADTGEFL_STER_FEIERAB...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Smashy Tetris
A physics engine + Tetris bricks - one B3tan
staff member found it "good stress toy, even if
completely unplayable" whereas another worked
out a strategy to complete a few lines.
https://unit520.net/deadtrees/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Elon Musk
Here's the best images from last week:
* S4RK storms this challenge with a Monty Python
reference:
http://b3ta.com/board/11366056
* OZOF is making geometry jokes:
http://b3ta.com/board/11366187
* BALLYMORAN is mocking your editor:
https://b3ta.com/board/11365998
* See all the other images from the 'Elon Musk'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/elonmusk/popular
>> This week: Musicians in art <<
Put musicians into works of art, give us
Vermeer's Girl With The Pearl Jam, Botticelli's
Birth Of Bananarama's Venus and other art/music
puns.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musiciansart/popular
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: B3TAN GOING OUT AND STUFF
Your guide to us lot doing real world event stuff
* KLF FILM GOES ON TOUR - we saw the screening
premier of this and it's fucking great and made
us want to make more art. Director Chris Atkins
is now touring it around cinemas with a live
Q&A. Make sure you ask him if he's ever going to
do TikTok skits where he pretends to be Matt
Hancock. Dates on the link.
https://linktr.ee/whokilledtheklf
* MAGAZINE COVER TALK - our resident art chum Dr
Dunno AKA Chris Barker - who went from B3ta
front pages to newspaper front pages - is part
of a panel talking about how to do great
magazine covers. £20 with a free drink at
Shoreditch House in London, on Tuesday the 10th
of May.
https://www.bsme.com/cover
* OBVIOUSLY WE SHOULD MENTION FESSHOLE LIVE
AGAIN. FFS - Come you wankers. This is your
chance to complain to the editor of this very
newsletter about why he didn't frontpage your
photoshop of a spunking penis in 2002. It's the
day after Chris's thing, on the 11th. And you
can buy your own drinks.
https://www.designmynight.com/london/whats-on/come...
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Ideas to kick start your creative anal warts
* NEXT YEAR IS THE 40th ANNIVERSARY OF THE MUSIC
COMPILATION 'NOW 1' - think up a game idea for
each song and present this as a book, detailing
the extraordinary 1983 project to make Now 1 as
a ZX Spectrum tape with 36 games that was
cancelled at the last minute and only now can
you tell the story in some screenshots and
interviews with the coders.
* THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA OF PROBLEMATICALLY NAMED
THINGS - this idea is largely off the back off
noticing that there's a typeface called 'Jim
Crow'
* WORLD'S BIGGEST CRISP SANDWICH - two B3tans,
at opposite points on the globe, to place bread
and crisps on the ground and create the world's
biggest crisp sandwich. Also send this to Matt
Round.
Slip your email penis into our inbox bottom:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Woodkovsky is apologising this week
What rhymes with and stinks like poo?
You.
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
