NEWSLETTER: "WHY DID LIZ TRUSS CROSS THE ROAD? BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T"
This Week:
* SONG - No Teddy Today
* FESSHOLE - Best of May 2022
* BILLY IDOL - Without the music
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our chins
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to run the @beardclippings
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| account... together"
B3ta email 826 - 22 Jul 2022
Read this issue to whoever the fuck will listen:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue826
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet love to Monsieur Handy
* NO TEDDY TODAY SONG - Pi Bennett has written a
song about waiting for the postman to deliver a
teddy bear, and actually, it's much more
compelling than this description sounds. You
will be charmed.
https://b3ta.com/links/no_teddy_today_today
* STAR TURNS 45, NO 50 - Dunk3d informs us that
he's wrapping up his 'Star Turns' project -
that's 50 different animations where he's sorted
out the correct angle to create a celebrity head
turn, via publicity posters. Does that make
sense?
https://twitter.com/starturnz/media
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely clothes
Hebtro makes clothes in the UK to really high
standards with the idea that you'll save money
overall because they'll last a long time. They
also sponsor b3ta and Fesshole so do please
support them with your wallets - thank you.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols
Each week you practise your creative writing by
fibbing into a Google form and we scroll through
the spreadsheet going "oh god, can we publish
any of this? Please let there be something good"
* PUN - "Driving on the M1 yesterday I undertook
a car from the Netherlands just so I could say
that I 'passed the Dutchie on the left hand
side'."
* HACKING GROWN UP CHILDREN - "I pretend I don't
understand computers and online banking, so I
can call my son; just so I can make sure he
visits and that he's doing ok."
* HUSBAND HACKS - "My husband likes taking mucky
photos of me in the nude. I don't mind, mainly
because I've realised that he always does a
brilliant job of tidying the bedroom up before
we do it. I've started suggesting different
rooms round the house; the en-suite needs a good
scrub."
Link goes to our 'best of' for May 2022, so it's
worth a click as each one is a fesshole gold
banger.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/
1550406545917128705
Do make sure you pre-buy our book, it's meant to
be an ideal gift for Christmas. Keep your
difficult Uncle quiet for the day as they
snicker in the corner instead of ruining the
whole day with moaning about the Met Office
being full of alarmist snowflakes.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
For these, CSS & some sticky-back JavaScript...
* BILLY IDOL WITHOUT THE MUSIC - One of those
videos where they take a pop song and do the
sound effects. But this time it's Sir Billiam
Idol and his "white" wedding.
https://b3ta.com/links/White_Wedding_Musicless_Vid...
* TV TOO HIGH - Matt Round reckons this is the
best Reddit he's seen for a while - a
celebration of badly placed TVs that'll fuck up
your neck.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TVTooHigh/
* "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SWIM IN YOUR OWN BIN?"
Obviously we love the most British man who's
ever lived. We assume it's a bit, but what a
bit.
https://twitter.com/WelshSocialism/status/15493579...
* COMBO THE NUMBERS GAME - Tetris, but with Key
Stage 1 counting. It feels like you could teach
yourself to get really good at it by intuitively
learning the colour combinations that go
together so that you don't need to waste time
reading the numbers, should you want to waste
your life gaining such a pointless skill.
https://sum-two.com
* 8-BIT BRIAN ENO - You didn't know you wanted
Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies converted to the
GameBoy did you? Ideal for inspiration when
you're working on your new Manic Street Miners
album.
https://nickyflowers.itch.io/osgb
* WORDY DEFINITION THING - Open AI projects seem
to have taken over from Wordle clones as the
thing for bored devs to build, presumably off
the back of Dall-E Mini going viral. This one
takes any word you give it and tries to come up
with a definition for you. As usual with this
stuff, you usually have to click a few times to
come up with something funny, because computers
can't recognise funny for you (understanding a
crap joke is what proves Johnny 5 to be alive,
after all).
https://openai-quickstart-node-1.vercel.app
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Tory Leadership Race
Here's the best images from last week:
* It's 'Whacky Racists' from Ninj
https://b3ta.com/board/11371608
* Monkeon brings us a perfume called
'Complicity' - worth reading the details
https://b3ta.com/board/11372057
* S4RK brings us their take on League of
Gentlemen
https://b3ta.com/board/11372151
* See all the other images from the 'Tory
Leadership Race' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/toryrace/popular
>> This week: Animals in charge <<
What if animals were in charge? Would they take
us for walks? Would they hunt us for sport? Show
us!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalsincharge/popular
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Ideas to kick you off
* NANDOS - Write a command-line interface for
ordering chicken from Britain's favourite spiced
chicken shop. Dir = list the products, er...
copy '5 wings' [postcode] etc.
* H.G. WELL's INVISIBLE MAN, THE PLATFORM GAME -
the platformer where you can't actually see the
character.
* ANOTHER ONE, hmm, can we get any more jokes
out of converting classic novels into shit
games? Is there anything in 'The Picture of
Dorian Gray' - a point and click adventure going
around taking opium and bumming whilst your
portrait in the attic gets grimmer maybe?
Show us your work:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You’re welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
What smells of piss and doesn't work?
The House of Lords
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
