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NEWSLETTER: "WHY DID LIZ TRUSS CROSS THE ROAD? BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WOULDN'T"

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This Week:
* SONG - No Teddy Today
* FESSHOLE - Best of May 2022
* BILLY IDOL - Without the music
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our chins
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to run the @beardclippings
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| account... together"

B3ta email 826 - 22 Jul 2022

Read this issue to whoever the fuck will listen:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue826

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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
  Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage

  If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
  weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
  controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
  of British sport.

  Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
  sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making sweet love to Monsieur Handy
 
  * NO TEDDY TODAY SONG - Pi Bennett has written a
  song about waiting for the postman to deliver a
  teddy bear, and actually, it's much more
  compelling than this description sounds. You
  will be charmed.
https://b3ta.com/links/no_teddy_today_today

  * STAR TURNS 45, NO 50 - Dunk3d informs us that
  he's wrapping up his 'Star Turns' project -
  that's 50 different animations where he's sorted
  out the correct angle to create a celebrity head
  turn, via publicity posters. Does that make
  sense?
https://twitter.com/starturnz/media

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Buy some lovely clothes

  Hebtro makes clothes in the UK to really high
  standards with the idea that you'll save money
  overall because they'll last a long time. They
  also sponsor b3ta and Fesshole so do please
  support them with your wallets - thank you.
https://hebtro.co/

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: FESSHOLE 
  Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols

  Each week you practise your creative writing by
  fibbing into a Google form and we scroll through
  the spreadsheet going "oh god, can we publish
  any of this? Please let there be something good"

  * PUN - "Driving on the M1 yesterday I undertook
  a car from the Netherlands just so I could say
  that I 'passed the Dutchie on the left hand
  side'."

  * HACKING GROWN UP CHILDREN - "I pretend I don't
  understand computers and online banking, so I
  can call my son; just so I can make sure he
  visits and that he's doing ok."

  * HUSBAND HACKS - "My husband likes taking mucky
  photos of me in the nude. I don't mind, mainly
  because I've realised that he always does a
  brilliant job of tidying the bedroom up before
  we do it. I've started suggesting different
  rooms round the house; the en-suite needs a good
  scrub."

  Link goes to our 'best of' for May 2022, so it's
  worth a click as each one is a fesshole gold
  banger.
  https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/
  1550406545917128705

  Do make sure you pre-buy our book, it's meant to
  be an ideal gift for Christmas. Keep your
  difficult Uncle quiet for the day as they
  snicker in the corner instead of ruining the
  whole day with moaning about the Met Office
  being full of alarmist snowflakes. 
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  For these, CSS & some sticky-back JavaScript...

  * BILLY IDOL WITHOUT THE MUSIC - One of those
  videos where they take a pop song and do the
  sound effects. But this time it's Sir Billiam
  Idol and his "white" wedding.
https://b3ta.com/links/White_Wedding_Musicless_Vid...

  * TV TOO HIGH - Matt Round reckons this is the
  best Reddit he's seen for a while - a
  celebration of badly placed TVs that'll fuck up
  your neck.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TVTooHigh/

  * "YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SWIM IN YOUR OWN BIN?"
  Obviously we love the most British man who's
  ever lived. We assume it's a bit, but what a
  bit.
https://twitter.com/WelshSocialism/status/15493579...

  * COMBO THE NUMBERS GAME - Tetris, but with Key
  Stage 1 counting.  It feels like you could teach
  yourself to get really good at it by intuitively
  learning the colour combinations that go
  together so that you don't need to waste time
  reading the numbers, should you want to waste
  your life gaining such a pointless skill.
https://sum-two.com

  * 8-BIT BRIAN ENO - You didn't know you wanted
  Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies converted to the
  GameBoy did you? Ideal for inspiration when
  you're working on your new Manic Street Miners
  album.
https://nickyflowers.itch.io/osgb

  * WORDY DEFINITION THING - Open AI projects seem
  to have taken over from Wordle clones as the
  thing for bored devs to build, presumably off
  the back of Dall-E Mini going viral.  This one
  takes any word you give it and tries to come up
  with a definition for you. As usual with this
  stuff, you usually have to click a few times to
  come up with something funny, because computers
  can't recognise funny for you (understanding a
  crap joke is what proves Johnny 5 to be alive,
  after all).
https://openai-quickstart-node-1.vercel.app

-------------------------------------------------

: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Tory Leadership Race

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * It's 'Whacky Racists' from Ninj
https://b3ta.com/board/11371608

  * Monkeon brings us a perfume called
  'Complicity' - worth reading the details 
https://b3ta.com/board/11372057

  * S4RK brings us their take on League of
  Gentlemen
https://b3ta.com/board/11372151

  * See all the other images from the 'Tory
  Leadership Race' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/toryrace/popular

  >> This week: Animals in charge <<
  What if animals were in charge? Would they take
  us for walks? Would they hunt us for sport? Show
  us!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalsincharge/popular

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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
  Ideas to kick you off

  * NANDOS - Write a command-line interface for
  ordering chicken from Britain's favourite spiced
  chicken shop. Dir = list the products, er...
  copy '5 wings' [postcode] etc.

  * H.G. WELL's INVISIBLE MAN, THE PLATFORM GAME -
  the platformer where you can't actually see the
  character.

  * ANOTHER ONE, hmm, can we get any more jokes
  out of converting classic novels into shit
  games? Is there anything in 'The Picture of
  Dorian Gray' - a point and click adventure going
  around taking opium and bumming whilst your
  portrait in the attic gets grimmer maybe?

  Show us your work:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You’re welcome - Kat)

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
  you, you kind humans.

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
  What smells of piss and doesn't work?
  The House of Lords
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...

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