NEWSLETTER: "EVERYONE WHO OPENS THIS EMAIL WILL HAVE OPENED AT LEAST ONE EMAIL TODAY"
This Week:
* INTERACTIVE - Monkeon makes a swear box
* ANNOUNCEMENT - Fess(tive) Hole Christmas event
* WEEBL - Victorious in battle with Quorn
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We've shitted up the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the web since 2001
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... not stopping now"
B3ta email 829 - 26 Aug 2022
Read this issue in a sarcastic voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue829
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: UPSHOT SPONSORSHIP
Spicing up the bland world of sports coverage
If you like sport, you'll love the Upshot - a
weekly newsletter dishing out gossip,
controversy and tasteless jokes from the world
of British sport.
Sign up for free and get a five minute hit of
sporting filth every Friday.
https://upshot.email/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making farty noises with their bum
* INTERNET SWEAR BOX - Monkeon writes, "I've
actually got around to finishing a new project.
Calculate how much you owe for having a
potty-mouth on Twitter. The swear box has no
price cap, so Irvine Welsh is going to be
fucked."
https://monkeon.co.uk/twitterswearbox/
* WEEBL VS CORPORATE KNOCK OFFS - An interesting
row kicked off when Quorn foods nicked Jonti
Picking's old Badger Badger Badger animation and
didn't involve him. But it all got sorted after
a Twitter storm and Jonti has produced a proper
version just for them, and taken a cheque with
their humble apologies. Jonti says, "Everyone is
happy and hopefully you like this new version
produced by myself. I can now say UniQuorn
pretty quickly." If anyone wants to rip
B-B-B-B-Birmingham, please get to it.
https://twitter.com/QuornFoods/status/156318707567...
* SMUG BASTARD - C_Kick has made a thread of
extended pictures from the 'smug bastard'
universe.
https://twitter.com/hnldesign/status/1559554923582...
* FESSTIVE HOLE - your editor has announced a
Christmas show for the 23rd of December. Do
come, the plan is to do the fesses, then hang
around for a drink afterwards. BOOZE! London!
Fun!
https://www.designmynight.com/london/whats-on/come...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely clothes
Have you ever considered that you should cover
up your legs and arms and stuff with clothes so
that you're not naked? If so, Hebtro is here to
help you by providing clothes for cash - all
made to the highest standards, made in the UK,
and designed to last:
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols
Each week we ask you to shout your fibs into a
bucket and we pick out a few to share on social
media:
* WOOF - "One day I overheard my neighbours
calling my dog ugly. So now whenever they are
trying to enjoy a peaceful evening in the
garden, I give my dog his squeakiest toys to
play with so it ruins their night. My dog is a
very good boy."
* QUIET QUITTING - "When I worked at a
restaurant I'd book 5-6 tables myself at 9pm so
there was less work to do and I could go home
earlier."
* TODDLERS - "I always thought the thing I'd
appreciate most as my toddlers got older was not
having to change nappies, or pay for nursery
with my spare kidney but no, the thing that
gives me the most pleasure, is not having to
ever watch Mr-fucking-Tumble on CBeebies ever
again."
Follow now the fucking terrible twitter account.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Or pre-buy the book. The book that shall be
good, because we've tried our best to make it
good. Oh yes, there's the sales chat.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Hey webmasters, stick this on your blog.shtml
* TECH PREDICTIONS - This collates every time
someone has said "I predict" on Hacker News so
you can see what our nerd future looks like.
The older ones are more interesting as you
sometimes already know if they were right.
https://hnpredictions.github.io
* GAME OF LIFES - A multiplayer version of
Conway's Game of Life. How well will your b3ta
magenta pixel cocks do when pitched in battle?
http://lifecompetes.com
* ADVANCED TIM COOK SIMULATOR -add a load of
unnecessary shite to your new iPhone, and let
Tim enthuse over his new cash cow.
https://neal.fun/design-the-next-iphone/
* DRUNK MEL GIBSON ARREST DIORAMA - Eighteen
extraordinary minutes that you won't regret
spending in the company of a soft-spoken
Irishman.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* WEB CURSOR EFFECTS NOSTALGIA - remember the
web when it was all broken <table> tags and
fields
https://tholman.com/cursor-effects/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Kids TV Multiverse
Here's the best images from last week:
* Director Alan Clarke's best movie improved -
thanks Razzle.
http://b3ta.com/board/11374344
* This movie would go well with weeeeeeed -
thanks Chumps
https://b3ta.com/board/11374331
* Mr Benn, no don't! Thanks Happy Toast.
https://b3ta.com/board/11373727
* See all the other images from the 'Kids TV
Multiverse' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kidstvmultiverse/popular
>> This week: 70s Internet <<
Imagine what the 70s would have been like if
they had the web. TikTok would be full of Bay
City Rollers fans stomping and Amazon would have
half day closing on a Thursday. Show us what
else you think a 70s internet would be like.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/70sinternet/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* E•DAMM, AI image generator that only does
cheese.
* DA PINCHY CODE - AI art generator, get you to
enter a prompt & pick style of a well-known
artist on Twitter etc, then when you click
Generate it 'thinks' for 10 seconds then shows
thumbnail & link for artist's portfolio & says
something like "AI art is fun, but don't let it
cheapen the work of talented artists"
* ONE MORE IDEA - maybe an idea generator, where
we stick the last twenty years of 'things we'd
like to see' into an AI generator. No, please
don't do this one.
Send your junk to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You’re welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Thx Captain Placid for this
How many members of the NRA does it take to
change a lightbulb? More guns!
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
