NEWSLETTER: "AN EXCITING SUBJECT LINE THAT'LL INTRIGUE YOU INTO OPENING THIS JUNK"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Beano Universe results
* GAME - 'Not In My Back Yard' SimCity
* HAPPY BIRTHDAY - to newsletter sponsor Hebtro
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're selling our souls
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on satan dot co dot uk
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 846 - 27 Jan 2023
Read this issue as evidence in a court of law:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue846
Subscribe: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making trouble for their toilet
* NIMBY SIM CITY - Stevenasopoulos writes,
"Thought you might find this funny. Sim Nimby, a
version of Sim City made by NIMBY's. As you can
imagine it's impossible to build anything, for a
series of increasingly absurd excuses." BTW:L
Doesn't work on mobile, much like the rest of
B3ta really.
https://opoulos.itch.io/simnimby
* ULTRAVOX'S VIENNA AS REMADE WITH HOMOPHONIC
NAMES, "More name-punning nonsense, seeing as I
had a few hours spare. Only had time to do the
first verse and chorus. Enjoy." Next week we'd
like to see the complete lyrics to Heaven Knows
I'm Miserable Now made out of smiley-faced
bastards who work in HR.
https://b3ta.com/links/Altervox_Vienna
* BREAKDANCING MEDIEVAL MARGINALIA - Shardcore
writes, "within the next six months, AI is going
to fuck every single 'creative' activity and
make the human race infinitely sadder as a
result - at least it can be used to bring a wry
smile before all artists are doomed to a life of
eating out of the bins." Thanks Shards for that
quote, which didn't really tell us what this is,
it's an AI dancing monk thing ok?
https://b3ta.com/links/breakdancing_medieval_margi...
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on, buy some lovely clothes for bodies
Hebtro make clothes, and if you wear them it'll
protect you from being damp or cold, which is a
good thing, as being nude in the British climate
can lead to misery. So simply give Hebtro some
of your money, and all your lifestyle problems
will be solved in hardwearing fashion.
https://hebtro.co/new/
P.S. It's seven years ago this week they started
from "an idea in the pub". Happy birthday
Hebtro, you are now old enough to date Leonardo
DiCaprio.
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your confessions puked up as content
Each week you vomit your souls into our online
copy of Lotus 123 and we copy/select out a few
to get likes on Teletext:
* MARXISM TODAY - "The multi-million pound
business I work for has suggested staff cut open
shampoo bottles and use every last drop to save
money rather than give us a pay rise. I just
accidentally switched off their billing system
for 8 hours. The panic is real."
* BUSINESS IDEA - "Currently sat here in the
airport departure lounge thanks to the thirsty
guys of London. I set up a fake Tinder profile
with an insta model’s photos with a bio asking
for £10 to my cash app to show you're actually
serious. 5 weeks and £470 later I'm on my way to
Ibiza."
* NOPE - "Once got fingered by a trainee doctor.
He asked afterwards if I was constipated as he
could feel it during the act. Never took him up
on that second date and purchased some lactulose
instead."
Join the one million* people who follow this
junk: (* If you add up Twitter, Instagram,
Tiktok and Facebook, like the sad fucks that we
are, we just did.)
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Buy the book, it's cheap at £6.49 and an ideal
gift for your cat litter tray:
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
* FESSHOLE LIVE, LEICESTER COMEDY FESTIVAL, 11TH
FEB - two weeks until the next show, approx 200
tickets sold so get in now if you want to go
'cause the last 60 or 100 tickets, depending on
how we arrange the tables, could actually sell
out. You stupid ticket buying bastards.
https://comedy-festival.co.uk/event/fesshole-live/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
The future linkrot of 2033 in your browser now
* NICE LOOKING HOUSE FOR SALE - Monkeon writes,
"I am sad that Zillow do not follow the
RightMove approach of having two normal photos
before the mental one, to build up the element
of surprise."
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/5603-Winslow-Rd...
* RANDOM STREET VIEW - Neal Dotfun's latest is a
well curated collection of interesting places on
Street View. This sort of thing has been done
previously in blog form, but he's got the UX
perfect, making this a very enjoyable visit. A
random button is always a good idea.
https://neal.fun/wonders-of-street-view/
* DATE THAT PHOTO - A game that feels so obvious
that it must have been done many times before,
but I really can't think of any examples. You
are shown 5 photos, can you guess what year they
are from? Simple as that. A nice way to get you
to spend some time focussing on the detail when
looking at pictures rather than spending two
seconds and swiping onto the next thing, as we
have all been trained to do.
https://chronophoto.app
* DRAKEBOT 2000 - Against all the odds, someone
has done an AI project that is actually funny
and not just a pointless re-skin of ChatGPT. Get
Drake to compose and sing a song for you. Of
course, it's only as funny as the prompt, and
I'd recommend typing in Viz plots. Getting
Drakebot to sing "it's hard to make a difference
with a banana wedged up your arse" made me
laugh.
https://drayk.it
* PRODIGY ORCHESTRA - it's a mark of how old you
are when the rebellious music of your youth is
co-opted by bow-tie types in muso-land.
Actually, we shouldn't be mean, this is
fantastic. NEXT WEEK: GG Allin sung by the St
Winifred's School Choir, including the smearing
themselves in shit bit.
https://b3ta.com/links/how_to_make_Prodigy_in_to_a...
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
DC Thomson Universe
Here's the best images from last week where we
explored the DC Thompson universe - that is the
Beano and Dandy spin offs:
* Monkeon takes on The Shining, and we would
very much like to see Monkeon's version of all
Kubrick's work
https://b3ta.com/board/11385734
* Ninj trains his satire guns on that lanky cunt
in parliament
https://b3ta.com/board/11385515
* And ANDY_R updates Pulp Fiction for the Beano
generation
https://b3ta.com/board/11385649
* See all the other images from the 'DC Thomson
Universe' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dcthomsonuniverse/popula...
>> This week: Rabbits <<
It's the Year of the Rabbit, so let's celebrate
our bunny friends.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rabbits/popular
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* BOOGAI-WOOGAI - use AI to add Jools Holland
doing boogie-woogie piano on every song in the
universe.
* GOOGLE SHITEVIEW - you know that random
Streetview project? That, but one that shows you
scummy shite like dogs fucking.
* COUNTDOWN TO YOUR BUS PASS - none of us is
getting any younger and we realised we have
friends with less than 10 years before getting
their over 60s bus pass. Maybe a nice ticker for
the mortality maths?
Send your projects to the Magic Donkey:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
BONUS IDEA - one of our readers Greenbat
suggests, "A dating website where you can look
for people based on how much they will annoy
your parents. 'Oily working class biker seeks
transgender Muslim with a degree in Sociology'"
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
-------------------------------------------------
: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"I've had diarrhoea for 3 years and never saw a
doctor. My dog had diarrhoea for 7 days, and I
took him to the vet. He has a wheat allergy. I
decided to see a doctor and I also have a wheat
allergy. We both poo normally now."
