NEWSLETTER: "THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO 'YOUR SAUSAGE' MAGAZINE"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Adrian Chiles or John Shuttleworth
* MORE QUIZZES - Plan your tube journey game
* AI SHITE - Bots write "jokes"
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | hacking ZX Spectrums
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| games to make them spidery"
B3ta email 854 - 24 Mar 2023
Read this issue to any idiot who wants to listen:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue854
Subscribe: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #1
Old school interactive projects like it's 2005
* TUBE JOURNEY PLANNER GAME - Ed Jefferson
writes, "prove your public transport
logistical skills with 5 thrilling levels of
London Underground journey planning to
complete." Neat idea, a tough quiz, and most
of all, a challenging wank.
https://edjefferson.com/journeyplannerchallenge/
* WHO SAID IT - ADRIAN CHILES OR JOHN
SHUTTLEWORTH? Monkeon writes, "I've made an
old-school A or B quiz, primarily as an excuse
to have a comforting Shuttleworths binge as
research." We enjoyed this because it turns
out we're so good at it that this should be
our job.
https://monkeon.co.uk/shuttleworth-or-chiles/
* BOTS WRITE JOKES - Your editor has been
indulging his misanthropy by getting GPT-4 to
write jokes about humans being rubbish and
obsolete. Sample gag: "Why do humans love
puzzles? They need constant reminders that
they can still solve simple problems." It's
also worth clicking the "how this works"
button for a bit of a read.
https://b3ta.com/botswritejokes/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
"Tell a mate"
Hebtro have launched a new thing where if you
tell people about their products and get them
to buy stuff they'll bung you £20. They write,
"Introduce a new friend to HebTroCo and we'll
give you £20 each. We're calling it Tell A
Mate, T&Cs obvs (£20 is store credit, no
clearance items, £100 min spend, must be a new
customer, no dodgy stuff), but we thought we'd
see how it goes." Sign up everyone, tell your
chums.
https://hebtro.co/tell-a-mate/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols
Each week you type your lies into a big Google
form and a we tweet out a few of them to see
if anyone says anything original like "didn't
happen" - here's our favs this week:
* CORRECT OPINION - "I'm in charge of
recruitment for a large team. When we have
interview days I sit each candidate in a room
with a variety of newspapers. I make sure that
anyone who picks up the Daily Mail never make
it to the second interview."
* OUR SECRET SHAME - "About a year ago, the
company I worked for switched to a 4 day week.
Never told my Wife. Each Friday, I hire out a
small office where I play Football Manager. I
like to pretend it's my Manager's office. I
have 'conversations' with players about
disciplinary matters and contracts."
* YOU'RE DUMPED - "It's our 4 year
anniversary soon. In those 4 years, he's
cooked once, washed up 6 times, and never done
laundry. His anniversary gift will be
cardboard boxes to pack his shit and me asking
for my keys back."
Join the account that people only follow
because they've mistaken it for that funny one
that posts clips of Alan Sugar getting his
catchphrase wrong:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Buy the book - it costs literally fuck all,
£6.49, what's that these days? One quarter of
a new U2 album?
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
We're on tour, with four dates coming up in
Edinburgh, Belfast, Bristol and Manchester.
There will be badges.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #2
Podcasts, books, events etc
* KLF BOOK REMIXED - We're very excited that
John Higgs’ KLF book is getting republished
with 17,000 words of new content for the 10
year anniversary. Hardback, £23 for that
version. Can't bloody wait.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/139961035...
* I AM THE EGGSTOCK - Chris Shaw from I Am The
Eggpod has launched his afternoon of Beatles
talks and tickets are available NOW. Samira
Ahmed, Stuart Maconie, David Quantick and Mark
Lewisohn all in one place. Now that's the orgy
people would pay twice the price for.
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/i-am-the-eggpod-liv...
* WORLD'S WORST POPSTAR CHAT - your editor
joined in on the podcast Worst Foot Forward
and genuinely enjoyed chatting absolute
bollocks about David Sylvian - we're not
arguing this is essential content, but if you
want to hear some men rambling about old pop
music and having a nice time, then that's what
it is.
https://worstfootforward.libsyn.com/ep-271-rob-man...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content from outside the extended b3taverse
* USA CLOCKS, FUCK YEAH - To show Americans
how annoying everyone else finds their stupid
date format, this dev has used the same logic
to make a clock. Forward it to Joe Biden and
see if we can embarrass him into doing
something about the problem.
https://domsson.github.io/freedom-clock/
* TAXHEAVEN 3000 - Latest mschf thing, we
suppose the UK version would have some
Bullingdon Club member sneering at your
earning, suggesting tax fiddles &
unapologetically getting all the numbers
wrong.
https://taxheaven3000.com/
* SLASH DOT DOT DOT DASH DASH DASH DOT COM - A
chat room to talk in Morse code. It's
pleasingly slow, and there's no dot-dashing in
the world that can do a cry-laughing emoji, so
loads better than Twitter. Note that there is
a training room if you don't want to start
with an agonisingly long bollocking for typing
gibberish at experienced users.
https://morse.halb.it
* PROBLEMATIC CONTENT DUMP - A massive amount
of the late Victor Lewis Smith's work has been
uploaded to the Internet Archive. Some nicely
obscure finds here. Plenty of material has
aged terribly, of course, but it all rattles
along so fast that there's usually a good joke
around the corner.
https://archive.org/details/vls-archive/
* ESTATE AGENT SINGS YOU AROUND A PROPERTY -
this is pretty entertaining whilst also being
horrific, but yep, it'll help shift the
property as it'll get attention. We've also
spent 10 minutes wondering if we should give
up this glam life of a newsletter editor and
work as a dog groomer in Leighton Buzzard.
https://b3ta.com/links/This_is_a_promotional_film_...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* ZOOPLA OR ZOOROPA - can you tell the
difference between 90s pictures of U2 or
unaffordable housing?
* MARRIAGE 2.0 - can't some Silicon Valley
dickhead come and disrupt this ancient legal
bond? Maybe make it an app where you can get
divorced by giving your spouse a thumbs down
for a lacklustre handjob.
* IT'S ALWAYS FILLING IN THE THIRD IDEA - that
leaves us sitting there for an hour stumped
for anything to write. So what we need is a
third idea generator, which reminds us of
previous ways we've thought up ideas, like
reading old pop music magazines from the 1980s
until something lands.
Don't be a twee fail, send us an e-mail:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
(You're welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
you to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall,
Gillian Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan
Norton. Thank you, you kind humans. And...
Leighton Stevenson, Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil
Bennett. Thx. BONUS THANKS: Gillian Parrott,
Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
* WE'VE DID THIS IN ABOUT 1995 - "I used to
work with a lazy, useless arsehole. I once
took a print screen of his desktop, including
all the icons, and set it as his background. I
then deleted all the icons so that clicking
them did nothing."
