we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO 'YOUR SAUSAGE' MAGAZINE"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* QUIZ - Adrian Chiles or John Shuttleworth
* MORE QUIZZES - Plan your tube journey game
* AI SHITE - Bots write "jokes"
-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  hacking ZX Spectrums
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| games to make them spidery"

B3ta email 854 - 24 Mar 2023

Read this issue to any idiot who wants to listen:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue854

Subscribe: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #1
  Old school interactive projects like it's 2005

  * TUBE JOURNEY PLANNER GAME - Ed Jefferson
  writes,  "prove your public transport
  logistical  skills with 5 thrilling levels of
  London  Underground journey planning to
  complete."  Neat idea, a tough quiz, and most
  of  all, a challenging wank.
https://edjefferson.com/journeyplannerchallenge/

  * WHO SAID IT - ADRIAN CHILES OR JOHN
  SHUTTLEWORTH?  Monkeon writes, "I've made an
  old-school  A or B quiz, primarily as an excuse
  to  have a comforting Shuttleworths binge as
  research."  We enjoyed this because it turns
  out  we're so good at it that this should be
  our  job.
https://monkeon.co.uk/shuttleworth-or-chiles/

  * BOTS WRITE JOKES - Your editor has been
  indulging  his misanthropy by getting GPT-4 to
  write  jokes about humans being rubbish and
  obsolete.  Sample gag: "Why do humans love
  puzzles?  They need constant reminders that
  they  can still solve simple problems." It's
  also  worth clicking the "how this works"
  button  for a bit of a read.
https://b3ta.com/botswritejokes/

-------------------------------------------------

: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  "Tell a mate"
  
  Hebtro have launched a new thing where if you
  tell  people about their products and get them
  to  buy stuff they'll bung you £20. They write,
  "Introduce  a new friend to HebTroCo and we'll
  give  you £20 each. We're calling it Tell A
  Mate,  T&Cs obvs (£20 is store credit, no
  clearance  items, £100 min spend, must be a new
  customer,  no dodgy stuff), but we thought we'd
  see  how it goes." Sign up everyone, tell your 
  chums.
https://hebtro.co/tell-a-mate/

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE
  Your confessions fessed up for cheap lols

  Each week you type your lies into a big Google
  form  and a we tweet out a few of them to see
  if  anyone says anything original like "didn't
  happen"  - here's our favs this week:

  * CORRECT OPINION - "I'm in charge of
  recruitment  for a large team. When we have
  interview  days I sit each candidate in a room
  with  a variety of newspapers. I make sure that
  anyone  who picks up the Daily Mail never make
  it  to the second interview."

  * OUR SECRET SHAME - "About a year ago, the
  company  I worked for switched to a 4 day week.
  Never  told my Wife. Each Friday, I hire out a
  small  office where I play Football Manager. I
  like  to pretend it's my Manager's office. I
  have  'conversations' with players about
  disciplinary  matters and contracts."

  * YOU'RE DUMPED -  "It's our 4 year
  anniversary  soon. In those 4 years, he's
  cooked  once, washed up 6 times, and never done
  laundry.  His anniversary gift will be
  cardboard  boxes to pack his shit and me asking
  for  my keys back."

  Join the account that people only follow
  because  they've mistaken it for that funny one
  that  posts clips of Alan Sugar getting his
  catchphrase  wrong:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

  Buy the book - it costs literally fuck all,
  £6.49,  what's that these days? One quarter of
  a  new U2 album?
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb

  We're on tour, with four dates coming up in
  Edinburgh,  Belfast, Bristol and Manchester.
  There  will be badges. 
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #2
  Podcasts, books, events etc

  * KLF BOOK REMIXED - We're very excited that
  John  Higgs’ KLF book is getting republished
  with  17,000 words of new content for the 10
  year  anniversary. Hardback, £23 for that
  version.  Can't bloody wait.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/139961035... 

  * I AM THE EGGSTOCK - Chris Shaw from I Am The
  Eggpod  has launched his afternoon of Beatles
  talks  and tickets are available NOW. Samira
  Ahmed,  Stuart Maconie, David Quantick and Mark
  Lewisohn  all in one place. Now that's the orgy
  people  would pay twice the price for.
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/i-am-the-eggpod-liv...

  * WORLD'S WORST POPSTAR CHAT - your editor
  joined  in on the podcast Worst Foot Forward
  and  genuinely enjoyed chatting absolute
  bollocks  about David Sylvian - we're not
  arguing  this is essential content, but if you
  want  to hear some men rambling about old pop
  music  and having a nice time, then that's what
  it  is.
https://worstfootforward.libsyn.com/ep-271-rob-man...

-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content from outside the extended b3taverse

  * USA CLOCKS, FUCK YEAH  - To show Americans
  how  annoying everyone else finds their stupid
  date  format, this dev has used the same logic
  to  make a clock. Forward it to Joe Biden and
  see  if we can embarrass him into doing
  something  about the problem.
https://domsson.github.io/freedom-clock/

  * TAXHEAVEN 3000 - Latest mschf thing, we
  suppose  the UK version would have some
  Bullingdon  Club member sneering at your
  earning,  suggesting tax fiddles &
  unapologetically  getting all the numbers
  wrong.
https://taxheaven3000.com/

  * SLASH DOT DOT DOT DASH DASH DASH DOT COM - A
  chat  room to talk in Morse code. It's
  pleasingly  slow, and there's no dot-dashing in
  the  world that can do a cry-laughing emoji, so
  loads  better than Twitter.  Note that there is
  a  training room if you don't want to start
  with  an agonisingly long bollocking for typing
  gibberish  at experienced users.
https://morse.halb.it

  * PROBLEMATIC CONTENT DUMP - A massive amount
  of  the late Victor Lewis Smith's work has been
  uploaded  to the Internet Archive. Some nicely
  obscure  finds here. Plenty of material has
  aged  terribly, of course, but it all rattles
  along  so fast that there's usually a good joke
  around  the corner.
https://archive.org/details/vls-archive/

  * ESTATE AGENT SINGS YOU AROUND A PROPERTY -
  this  is pretty entertaining whilst also being
  horrific,  but yep, it'll help shift the
  property  as it'll get attention. We've also
  spent  10 minutes wondering if we should give
  up  this glam life of a newsletter editor and
  work  as a dog groomer in Leighton Buzzard. 
https://b3ta.com/links/This_is_a_promotional_film_...

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to kick you off

  * ZOOPLA OR ZOOROPA - can you tell the
  difference  between 90s pictures of U2 or
  unaffordable  housing?

  * MARRIAGE 2.0 - can't some Silicon Valley
  dickhead  come and disrupt this ancient legal
  bond?  Maybe make it an app where you can get
  divorced  by giving your spouse a thumbs down
  for  a lacklustre handjob.

  * IT'S ALWAYS FILLING IN THE THIRD IDEA - that
  leaves  us sitting there for an hour stumped
  for  anything to write. So what we need is a
  third  idea generator, which reminds us of
  previous  ways we've thought up ideas, like
  reading  old pop music magazines from the 1980s
  until  something lands. 

  Don't be a twee fail, send us an e-mail:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE*  *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES*  *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES,  CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE,  CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH,  MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN,  WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT  MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee  burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
  Adam  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield,  Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar,  Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie  Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed,  Carl Morgan, Catherine
  McAllister,  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
  Tonks,  Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
  Dave  Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
  Catley,  David Gardiner, David King, David
  Mills,  Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
  Eric  von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
  James,  Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
  Milinovich,  Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
  Iain  Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
  Ian  Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
  James  Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart,  Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling,  Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally,  Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster,  John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans,  Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
  Konrad  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
  Holloway,  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
  Buchanan,  Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
  Matthew  Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
  Wilkes,  midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
  Carteret,  Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
  bewes,  Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
  Westerman,  Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
  wouda,  Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
  Richard  Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
  Robbie  Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
  Saleem  Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
  Simon  Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
  Simon  waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
  Anglesey,  Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl,  Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams,  Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
  Wil  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
  Hazlewood,  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
  Chris  Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
  Daniel  Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
  Tidey,  Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
  Macinnes,  John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
  Curtis,  Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
  Saunders,  George Preston, James O'Malley,
  Martin  Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
  Hannah  Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
  McHugh,  Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell,  Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody,  Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin  Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
  Tommey,  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
  Carl  Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
  Jan  Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
  Tom  Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
  Beardwood,  David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
  Alastair  Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
  Robinson,  Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
  Naples,  Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
  Harry,  Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
  Michael  Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
  peter  royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
  Tim  Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
  Danny  Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
  Anderson,  Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling,  Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom,  Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound,  Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
  John  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
  Bond,  David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
  Emma  Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
  Fisher,  Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
  olak-Anti,  Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
  M,  Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
  Marc  Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
  Michael  Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
  Nigel  Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
  Peter  Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
  Abraham,  Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
  Robert  Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
  Hanner,  Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
  McAuley,  Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason,  Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom  Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner,  Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward,  Jace Otting, James Meers, John
  Griffiths,  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
  Kant,  Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
  Kahn,  Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional  links; HappyToast for image
  challenge  help; and Dr Dunno for extra
  support.  Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
  (You're  welcome - Kat)

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke,  Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley.  Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion  Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER  ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw,  Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic,  Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith,  Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell.  And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver,  James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay  Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave  Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
  special  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
  NEW  NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
  Jobling  & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
  Douglas  Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
  We  love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
  Alex  Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
  Blanchard  - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
  and  Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
  and  John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran.  Love you. And a special thank you to
  the  super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
  you  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated  Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray  Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg.  YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
  Attila  Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
  YOU.  And new new thanks to Dale Goodall,
  Gillian  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan
  Norton.  Thank you, you kind humans. And...
  Leighton  Stevenson, Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil
  Bennett.  Thx. BONUS THANKS: Gillian Parrott,
  Funny_hat  & Gub~gub.

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus"  content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
  
  * WE'VE DID THIS IN ABOUT 1995 - "I used to
  work  with a lazy, useless arsehole. I once
  took  a print screen of his desktop, including
  all  the icons, and set it as his background. I
  then  deleted all the icons so that clicking
  them  did nothing."


next issue »
« previous issue