NEWSLETTER: "DON'T READ THIS, TURN OFF YOUR PHONE, AND DO SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING INSTEAD"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Beatles at War results
* FESSHOLE LIVE - Newcastle & London shows announced
* MERRY KINGMAS - To our new farty king
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by printing it out on a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| dotmatrix printer"
B3ta email 861 - 19th May 2023
Read this issue to the ghost of newsletters past:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue861
Subscribe, cunts: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their mothers sad
* HAPPY KING STUFF - We enjoyed Sivie
Wethercock's tribute to our new head of state.
https://b3ta.com/links/dug_out_a_70_year_old_gif_t...
* SHARDCORE IS UP TO HIS OLD TRICKS - dicking
around making AI music videos.
https://b3ta.com/links/DRASS_see_it_say_it_slaught...
* DRONE DRONE DRONE - The wonderfully named
Snorty McBumhole offers up, "Another video to
try and justify to my wife why I spent a grand
on a drone. I'm not sure it's working."
https://b3ta.com/links/Another_video_to_try_and_ju...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely clothes
Each week we implore you to check out the
fantastic threads over at Hebtro, they make
clothes mostly for men, and to the highest
standards so that they last a long time and
justify the prices. Ideal as a birthday gift or
even for yourself.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses regurgitated like cock vomit
Each week we ask you to fling a few lies into a
Google form and we pick out a few and ask the
petty internet hate machine "please don't reply
'didn't happen' ok?"
* INTERVIEW ADVICE - "I unknowingly was at the
urinals with a guy I was about to interview. He
didn't wash his hands, so even though he was a
good candidate I didn't give him the job. There
was no way I was employing a dirty scruff like
that. Your job interview starts as soon as you
arrive, people."
* SEX TALK "As a student of Arabic, a one-night
stand once asked if I would speak some to her
while we were having sex. Not having the
requisite vocabulary for dirty talk, I whispered
into her ear phrases such as 'I would like 3
aubergines and a tomato, please'. She absolutely
loved it."
* INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS - "About 30 something years
ago the water got shut off in an episode of
Neighbours but Helen Daniels was still able to
put the kettle on because she always made sure
the kettle had water in it. I've never had an
empty kettle from that day to now."
Follow the account that 967k people have
mistaken for that funny one which shows you hold
to fold pictures of The Queen to make it look
like she's doing a shit.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Well you might as well buy the book, it only costs £6.49 which wouldn't even buy Liam Gallagher a battered sausage these days.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
Ah yes tickets, well it's the Manchester show this Sunday evening - we've sold 210 tickets which means it's sold out BUT BUT BUT maybe the venue will find a few more chairs so do check. Also we've now got tickets for sale for Newcastle and London (new!) as well as Belfast. Bristol also sold out. Yay.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Hot links for your copy of Netscape Navigator GOLD
* LISTEN TO THIS - The Sound of the Year awards
have announced their 2022 winners. Some lovely
work, but not the most cheery listen due to all
the war, vanishing nature and melting ice caps.
It could really do with a comedy category to
cheer everyone up and see if anyone can beat the
classic ruler twang.
https://soundoftheyearawards.com/2022
* EMOJI GAME - Play an emoji version of Concept
against your boring new friend ChatGPT. He's
annoying and wants to steal your job, but
actually operates at just the right difficulty
level for this.
https://puzzlemoji.com
* WATCH THE BIRDY - If you ever wished that Wii
Sports contained a bird watching simulator, then
this demo shows you how that would play out.
Sadly you don't get to design a Mii Bill Oddie
to play as, though. An Oddii.
https://loveyourdemons.itch.io/wii-sports-birdwatc...
* BOBBY BOBBY BOBBY - Ever wondered why Bobby
Davro has left very little comic legacy?
Probably not but we enjoyed this nerdy deep dive
into a comedian that is often a bit of a
punchline these days.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* VAGUELY AMUSING PASSWORD GEN - Dumbdestroy7
recommends "Kenny Log-In is the first password
service that lets you generate a secure password
from the lyrics of America's greatest singer
songwriter"
https://www.kennylog-in.com/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
The Beatles at War
Here's the best images from last week:
* YELLOW SUBMARINE vs NUKES - from Monkeon
https://b3ta.com/board/11393486
* PLATOON vs HELP - from Ballymoran
https://b3ta.com/board/11393106
* STARR WARS - from B0rk3d
https://b3ta.com/board/11393291
* See all the other images from the 'The Beatles
at War' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/warbeatles/popular
>> This week: Eurovision Films <<
It's been Eurovision weekend, so what better way
to celebrate music than with a film challenge.
Show us Bucks Fizz the movie and Quentin
Tarantino's Boom Bang a bang.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/eurovisionfilms/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* KLF SOUNDBOARD - yes, this is an idea someone
should have made in 1996 but still, we'd quite
like an app where we could tap K, L, F, Mu-mu,
beep-beep etc so we could play along and pretend
other records were KLF records, like the Archers
theme.
* HORRIBLE BOT TO UPSET PEOPLE - agwmarten
requests, "I had an idea: a bot that finds every
time someone uses the word "less" on Twitter,
and responds with "*fewer", regardless of
whether that is grammatically correct or not,
thus either correctly informing or needlessly
enraging lots of people. The bot would be called
MineFewer, cos it's a grammar nazi. Geddit??"
* ELON OFF - A button to crowdfund sending
sex-workers to Elon Musk's house to give him
something to do to stop him fucking up Twitter
all the tine.
Tell us about your projects ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Wotcha captain - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"I had a girl around for dinner. I dropped a
viagra during the desert in anticipation of a
long night. I think the fish must have been bad
because we spent the whole night puking and
shitting. Me with an erection."
