NEWSLETTER: "THE ONLY EMAIL GEORGE OSBORNE IS HAPPY TO READ"
This Week:
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE: Mundane computer games
* VOTE NOW - For your favourite 'small' website
* FESSHOLE KINDLE BOOK - only 99 pence in July
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Surprise your mum
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | with Linux
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| this Christmas"
B3ta email 868 - 7th July 2023
Read this issue after inhaling dog farts:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue868
Subscribe, pillocks: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than wanking off sausages for coins
* VOTE NOW FOR YOUR FAV SMALL SITE - Matt Round
tells us that there's a Tiny Award update and
that "public voting's started for this award
(you can probably tell which ones i nominated)"
https://tinyawards.net/
* SHUTTLEWORTH SALUTES MONKEON - We enjoyed that
John Shuttleworth tweeted out Monkeon's John
Shuttleworth Quiz, launched in this very
newsletter: "And speaking of similarities - try
the 'Did John Shuttleworth or Adrian Chiles say
that?' quiz. It's not easy, followers. I only
scored 7/10!"
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/shuttleworth-or-chiles/
* TOM SCOTT TAKES A BREAK - Old b3tan Tom Scott,
yes he used to post regularly on B3ta long
before he became a famous YouTuber with six
million followers, is taking a break, after
making at least one video a week for 10 years.
Phew, we're exhausted just thinking about it.
Enjoy your rest Tom, and we look forward to
seeing what you do next after you've had a nice
long snooze.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's time for you buy some new threads
Are you a man who likes clothes? Do you know a
man who likes clothes? Well, Hebtro is here to
clothe that man from head to toe in fashionable
garb that'll last like buggery coz it's good
stuff innit. Get there and buy stuff coz every
purchase helps to keep the lights on in the
increasingly stinky B3ta tower.
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions vomited up like discount ham
Each week we ask you to submit your lies to our
copy of LOTUS-123 and then we pick out a few to
publish on teletext to see which ones make you
press the HOLD button.
* WIFI - "Sometimes when I get home I wait
outside the front door to make sure I'm
connected to the WiFi so I can load up a 90s WWF
theme and cast it through the Google speaker. I
then enter my house and pretend I'm a wrestler
walking into Wrestlemania."
* THANKS TECHNOLOGY - "My wife and I compete on
steps recorded on our fitbits, this morning
she's questioned why I was already on 500 steps
when I'd just got out of bed. You can guess the
rest."
* HEALTHY LIVING - "At one stage in life my
family ordered so much pizza from the local
Dominoes we nearly lived off it. It was so bad
that after 2 weeks of giving up on them for
'Lent' the store rang us to see if we were OK.
Huge wake up call."
Join the Twitter group that frustratingly isn't
quite one million followers, and we would like
to be in the million club along with the stars
such as Petre Andrew and the down-at-heel
Britsolian detective Eddie Shoestring.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
The book is currently 99p on Amazon through
July, there's never been a better time to Kindle
it up like a Kindle-nonce.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
Looking forward to the next show on the 12th in
Newcastle, tickets currently available for
London and Leicester. We have 4 shows lined up
but need to dot the i's etc before we can get
the tickets on sale, and all in towns we've not
played before.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Hi-res CEEFAX for the Amiga generation
* SLOW MOTION GUN RECOIL ON MUSCLE - The Slo-mo
guys deliver a solidly interesting video that'll
make you go "ow, that hurts" a few times.
http://b3ta.com/links/1606186
* I'M ALAN PARTRIDGE - Another Dirty Feed
investigation in which Detective John
forensically investigates the case of the first
appearance of Alan Partridge on TV. As always, a
very enjoyable read full of nice little comedy
finds.
https://dirtyfeed.org/2023/07/better-on-television...
* GUESS THE YEAR - Yeah, the Wordle format's
annoying when you just want to play a few rounds
of a game, but this is a nice one in which you
must guess the year from some of the big events
of that year.
https://yearguessr.com
* MERDE FRANÇAISE - A mini-game that amused -
both for being so French, and because we
realised that a basic reskin could turn it into
a game of Tim Vine's Pen Behind The Ear. Please
Google what that is and make it so, Quentin.
https://quentindelvallet.itch.io/mimolette
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Pop Merchandise
Here's the best images from last week:
* The Tupac board game everyone will be playing
this Christmas - thanks Smug Bastard
https://b3ta.com/board/11395882
* The Brian Eno loo roll that would be the ideal
gift for any executive - thanks Monkeon
https://b3ta.com/board/11395978
* And thank you for this from Ballymoran
combining David Blunkett and marbles, ok it's
not that, you can click for joke instead of us
typing it out and ruining it
https://b3ta.com/board/11395870
* See all the other images from the 'Pop
Merchandise' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/popmerchandise/popular
>> This week: Mundane Video Games <<
Video games are usually far too action packed to
ever reflect our humdrum lives. Let's correct
that by designing some tedious games about
things like doing the washing up or putting the
bins out.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mundanegames/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
Writing this section can be hard sometimes so
this week we're going to use the Oxford
Dictionary Of Idioms, turn to random pages, and
imagine what the project could be, if they were
named so:
* LIKE A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP - ok this is
probably some Untitled Goose Game thing where
you get to absolutely wreck the shit out of some
china, whilst dressed as Steve Bull, top scorer
for Wolverhampton Wandered in the early 90s.
* YOU CAN'T SEE FURTHER THAN ONE'S NOSE - well
this is a cross-eyed first person shooter. Go
on, cross your eyes and imagine Doom. What
content that would be.
* NOT WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON - some
sort of guessing game where you guess the value
of minor celebrities autographs based on recent
eBay prices. Dusty Gee, Cilla Black, all the
greats.
Don't fail us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Billy Joel time - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS BAD SEX FESSHOLE
"My boyfriend thinks I pleasure myself in front
of him because he likes it; but really, it's
because if you want a job done properly, you've
got to do it yourself."
