NEWSLETTER: "GODZILLA YOURSELF AT HOME, GODZILLA YOURSELF ONE OF THE FAMILY"
This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Puppets in art
* MUSIC - What if a car made a record?
* BOOK PROJECT - Lots of calculators calculated
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We offered to save the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | & the web said 'no thanks,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| we're trying to die quietly'"
B3ta email 891 - 12th Jan 2024
Read this issue whilst fondling your pube jar:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue891
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making art from "pencil" shavings
* "I'M A CAR AND I'VE MADE A RECORD!" - pop
provocateur Ricardo Autobahn writes, "I've made
an entire album solely out of in-house car promo
files and those instruction manuals that you
listened to on cassette to tell you where the
wiper switches are. Here's a snapshot." We
rather enjoyed this as we've always too been a
huge fan of the free CDs that used to come with
cars "Hello. This is your Ford Sierra. Enjoy
your Ford Sierra" etc.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Hands_Of_Porsche
* "I'M THE OPERATOR WITH MY POCKET CALCULATOR" -
long-term B3ta subscriber Benjamin Blundell has
been making a book about old calculators to help
promote the Whipple Museum of Cambridge, and you
can both read about his process making it and
download the PDF. Entertainment for all the
family. It's also a reminder that we all need to
visit this museum, and resist the urge to type
55378008 everywhere.
https://benjamin.computer/posts/2022-08-17-calcula...
* THE RETURN OF ZOMBO - internet wizard Jonty
Wareing writes, "Flash emulation has finally
reached a point where we can accurately restore
some of the most important cultural sites from
the early days of the web, and it's only going
to get better. Got it working with a flash
emulator and threw it on a domain - going to try
and contact the owners of zombo.com and get them
to replace the godawful html5 version with
this." Excellent stuff, next week can someone
revive that thing where you dad brought home
pages of jokes that had been faxed to the
office?
https://welcometozombo.com
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes - you know you want to
Did you know there's a company called Hebtro and
they make clothes and they've been sponsoring
B3ta and Hebtro for yonks? Share your
appreciation by wearing their clothes, all made
in the UK to the highest standards and all of
their shit is as cool as fuck.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions served up as amoral entertainment
Each week we ask you to shit your lies into a
big bin and we fish around and pull a few out
and post them on the internet in a text-based
revival of "rate my poo"
* PARKING - "If I see someone has deliberately
parked their big expensive car so that no one
can use the space next to them I will do
everything I can to try and squeeze in to the
spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful
manoeuvring and having to exit through the
boot."
* PETARD - "Got invited to lunch with the 'big
boss' last year. I told him how 80% of the work
was done by 20% of the people and we'd be better
off without most of the team. He agreed, and 6
months later I was one of the many, many layoffs
as part of an efficiency drive. Fair play."
* CHILD - "My 11 year old son has started
watching The Simpsons. He's asking the family
which characters they think they are. He thinks
he's Bart. He's not, he's Ralf Wiggum but I
can't say that out loud"
Link goes to the best confessions from December,
or to be more accurate, we asked for code to
give us the top 40 most favs, and then picked
our personal favourite 12 from that.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/17417846701345...
Please buy tickets to Fesshole Live. Available
shows include Leicester (Feb), Cambridge (Feb),
Glasgow (March), Dublin (April), Northampton
(May) & Brighton (July). We could call it a tour
but we're going home between dates, just trying
to book one a month really, as a distraction
from pondering climate change, ageing and the
heat death of the universe. If you run a venue,
do get in touch.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And yes, do buy the book, it's fuck all at the
moment at £6.49 and will go up at some point,
because Amazon organises pricing to their own
whims.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Some sexy urls to spunk up your browser
* IS THIS THE BEST ADVERT YOU'VE EVER SEEN? You
won't predict the twist that made us laugh for
the first time since 2007 when we saw a duck
peck the penis of another duck.
https://twitter.com/IlaydaArden/status/17450254150...
* EASIEST QUIZ EVER - No one sees the same
internet as each other any more, so we were
completely unaware of the meme this is based on,
which appears to have been some click-bait fail
that used a picture of Michael Cera instead of
Nicki Minaj with the heading "Is this Nicki
Minaj? 88.6% of Nicki Minaj fans get this wrong!
Will you?". This removes the almost certain
disappointment of clicking that link by making
the game you'd have always hoped it would be.
https://isthisnickiminaj.com
* SEARCH SWAP-SHOP - Kind-of a Google version of
Chat Roulette in which you share a search term
with the next person to use the site. Will
surely turn horrible at some point, as these
things always do, so use with caution and
probably not in public. And play nice.
https://mysterysearch.lol
* POLYGONE GAMES - Following on from their
recent wonky Minesweeper comes this wonky
Draughts, which is just as frustrating.
Hopefully wonky Excel 95 next.
https://polyreplay.com/checkerstwist
* WHAT HAPPENED TO WOOLWORTHS - interesting PDF
that details what happened to all the old
Woolworth shops 15 years after they shut.
https://www.cannyinsights.com/wp-content/uploads/2...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Potatoes
Here's the best images from last week, these
are, wait for it, the spuds u like:
* 'OCTO' mashes up the potatoes with soap
https://b3ta.com/board/11402741
* 'MONKEON' imagines the films Cronenberg should
have made
https://b3ta.com/board/11402873
* 'NINJ' points out that in space no one can
hear you steam (potatoes)
https://b3ta.com/board/11402639
* See all the other images from the spuds
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/potatoes/popular
>> This week: The Puppet Art Gallery <<
Let's celebrate our felt friends by mashing up
puppets with classic works of art.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/puppetart/popular
PS We've now written the word potatoes several
times and it's started to look wrong. Potatoes.
It's not right is it?
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous stories
* CHRIS BARKER ON BBC NEWS - Chris's SGT Pepper
photoshops reached the official TV broadcaster
of record. Next week hopefully C4 news will
report on that bloke who does the baffling
invisible Simpsons bollocks.
https://youtu.be/jGMwHtV58CA
* YOUR EDITOR GOT A MENTION IN THE METRO -
mentioning his much loved (by him) lockdown
music project: Longwave.
https://metro.co.uk/2024/01/01/meet-shipping-forec...
* WE ASKED FOR 'QOTW' FEEDBACK and 'Law'
replied, "'What subject/interest do you have
that you never get to speak about in real life?'
My point is people want to be seen. Or maybe
just me. I have made music as a one man punk-ish
indie band for 25 years. I put out 3 full length
albums in 2023 alone. My friends ask 'so what's
new?' me: 'I just put out a new album' and
that's it. Not a single follow up. Not one
single question about the music making process.
No discussions about music past or present.
Nothing. If you're curious to hear what I make."
https://linktr.ee/localteen
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* NOTED OR NOT - Some sort of online quiz where
you scroll through @RishiSunak's tweets and
have to guess whether there's a community note
or not.
* "WHO'S RUNNING THAT STUFF?" - a podcast that
peers into the weirder social media accounts
that pump out disinformation and tries to work
out if they're just mad people in a shack, or
actually state actors.
* OK YOU KNOW THE SCORE, WE'RE STUCK FOR A THIRD
IDEA - so we're going to bullshit it by picking
up a 1989 issue of Q Magazine and seeing what
ideas we can spin out. OK, we've got one, the
back pages are stuffed with small-ads for local
record stores, and someone could turn that into
a sad little photo project where they see what's
there now.
Do submit your stuff - we look and read
everything you post to us, even if we don't use
it, your newsletter editor sees all, he also
reads everything submitted to Fesshole, he's a
broken man.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (cool - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up. Two did
last week - thanks Benjamin Blundell and Stuart.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh and friends tell friends to subscribe to the
b3ta newsletter, that really is the most useful
thing you could do with your life at this moment
in time.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'VET' FESSHOLE
"I work as a receptionist in a vets. When
somebody's pet is being put to sleep we light a
candle to let everyone know to be quiet and
respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just
had a hangover."
