NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER WILL AUTOFELATE IN 30 SECONDS"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Change a letter in a book
* GREG WALLACE SIMULATOR - CodeMasters for £1.99
* REMEMBER: FESSHOLE LIVE, Leicester, Sat night
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web so
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the post-apocalyptic
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| society knows shit content"
B3ta ceefax-email 895 - 9th Feb 2024
Read this issue on your Amstrad Vision Pro:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue895
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than enshittening their own backsides
* WHAT IS GREG WALLACE DOING RIGHT NOW? - Mike
Coates writes, "The moment's probably passed by
now, but in the midst of all the social media
pile on this week I built a novelty site that
will tell you exactly what Gregg Wallace is up
to based on that ridiculous interview in the
Telegraph." Nice, we look forward to this
becoming a major new format that shows you what
other celebs are doing - like that ridiculous
Mark Wahlberg one, and the very different old
Tom Baker one.
https://what-is-gregg-wallace-doing.mikecoats.xyz/
* OUR 'CHANGE A LETTER IN A BOOK' CHALLENGE IS
DOING WELL - we're always happy when a challenge
gets over 100 entries, AND also if it's actually
funny. Somehow we've pulled off two successful
challenges in a row - partly thanks to Monkeon's
stewardship and partly down to b3tans being
brilliant. Still, we'll fuck it up next week
with a challenge about "time-travelling
Victorian sausages" or something that gets 14
entries.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/changealetterbooks/popul...
* ANIMAL BEATBOX - Si Bennett has been working
on a little song that takes that "boots and
cats" idea and extends it into a foot long
remix.
https://b3ta.com/links/Animal_Beatbox:2
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Clothes are useful, you should buy some
Our sponsors want to do two things in this
universe: make clothes that last a long time and
make B3tans dress better. So dive in, order some
UK-made threads, and know that supporting Hebtro
helps make B3ta and Fesshole exist.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, once again, fessed up
About four and a bit years ago, one bored
afternoon, we thought it might be amusing to
open a google form and ask people to "confess
stuff" and then it kinda morphed into a
horrendous project that hasn't stopped. Well,
the good news is that the other idea we mucked
around with that day completely died a death, as
we wouldn't really have wanted to spend four
years publishing your close-up teeth photos.
* DEAD CAT BOUNCE - "Mrs had told me she wanted
sex later. Chased kids to bed early and locked
the house up before heading upstairs. Found the
cat, that I'd not seen all day, was dead behind
the couch. Knew this would upset the Mrs, so no
sex. Ignored cat til the next day."
* NO PUN IN TEN DID - "Started amusing myself in
work meetings by adding 'No pun intended' after
comments I make with absolutely no pun or double
meaning in them, then spend the next five
minutes watching people's faces as they are
clearly trying to work out what the 'pun' was"
* ALCOHOL, NOT EVEN ONCE - "On the way home from
a pub with my mate, we spoke about how we all
used to play 'ding dong dash' when we were kids.
There was a short pause before we said in unison
'should we'. Spent the next hour pissing off
the locals. We're both 53."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for that funny one
that posts edits of U2 songs with the vocals
replaced with goats.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows. Oooh there's one now(ish) on
Saturday in Leicester. Shit, we better get this
newsletter done. Other dates include Cambridge,
Glasgow, Brighton, Northampton and Dublin.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And finally you could always buy the book, it's
better than it needs to be, and is an ideal
accompaniment to taking a shit (to work day.)
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Your Amstrad Action type-ins this week
* DO YOU KNOW THE PRICE OF MILK? The bottom of
the Wordle-variant pile is always more fun than
the middle-of-the-road rip-offs. In this case,
can you guess the price of the Tesco product of
the day? Needs a Greggs remix to give the
people what they really want. (Actually we found
this very inspirational as the mechanic in this
is something we once coded as a child in BASIC.
Woo hoo)
https://tescodle.com
* TWEETER - Duolingo for learning bird songs,
and whatever magpies call their tuneless racket.
Still a bit under-construction but good quality
edutainment.
https://jessicalieb.itch.io/birdlingo
* TYPE THIS WAY - Something very
golden-age-of-the-web about this Aerosmith
calculator/soundboard mash-up. Flash murderer
and internet killjoy Steve Jobs would hate it.
https://andymetoo.itch.io/the-steven-tyler-calcula...
* DUKE NUKEM VS CAPTAIN TOM'S SPA POOL COMPLEX -
We really want this to be a subscription game
with a new level released every time something
ridiculous happens in the news
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* HOW LONG UNTIL JASON STATHAM PUNCHES SOMEONE?
- this important data project has recently been
updated. This is what the internet should be,
rather than endless "t i t s i n b i o" replies.
https://time.to.stathampun.ch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Memeception
Here's the best images from last week and we're
going to lie in the descriptions so as not to
preempt the jokes
* HAPPYTOAST - mashing up the Bear who Shits
Prime Numbers with Britney Spears' Guide to
Semiconductor Physics
https://b3ta.com/board/11403719
* MONKEON - mashing up the 3D dancing baby with
the jokes your dad used to fax to the next
quarry about blonde girls.
https://b3ta.com/board/11403583
* CAPTAIN HOWDY - mashes up that "Keep Trucking"
image from Robert Crumb with oh god, can we even
think of a more ancient meme? Ok, Kilroy Was
'ere.
https://b3ta.com/board/11403573
* See all the other images from the
'Memeception' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/memeception/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* JOEL VEITCH STARTS A PODCAST - He writes,
"It's called Rathergood Chat. The link is to
iTunes but I presume you can probably find it
most places you might get a podcast from. I've
been meaning to do a podcast for YEARS but never
got around to working out what it would be.
Turns out the easiest thing to make it about is
nothing in particular, so that's what this is."
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/rathergood-c...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you up the anus hole
* GREGG WALLACE SON SPEEDRUN - Dave Bagpuss
Forsey asks for "a game where you have exactly
one minute to play as much as you can with your
youngest child before handing him back to your
wife's parents."
* 49 EXPLOSIVE GAMES FOR YOUR ZX81/ZX80 - ok
we're on our own here, but we'd like a 49 part
YouTube series that took this book and explored
each one.
https://archive.org/details/49-explosives-games-fo...
* OH GOD ONE MORE IDEA - you know the score, we
run out of ideas to fill this bit and we'll pick
up a book on our desk and see what it inspires.
OK, we've got the Ladybird Book of Knots, and
we've turned to a page called 'Granny Knots' and
imagined some sort of 8-bit game where you play
Rishi Sunak wandering around Liverpool,
strangling nans for their pension books.
We look at everything you send. Everything.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
BONUS IDEA - remember how hard the docking bit
was in Elite on the BBC Micro? Well that, and
it's only that again and again, but you're a
wireframe cock going up wireframe bums and
fannies in space. Oh god, someone let us stop
typing, we're delirious.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (boop - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
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couple of bits recently, do sign up.
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Oh and friends tell friends to subscribe to the
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'MEET UNCUTE' FESSHOLE
"Met up with a girl online. Her profile pic was
of her and her friend. She told me she was the
fit one on the right. She wasn't, she was the
not so fit one on the left. She knew I couldn't
argue it when on the date but was gutted.
Married now with two kids."
