Claret Trainers
Whilst at college in Southampton in the nineties I took to drinking heavily on a regular basis. At the time it was about 50p a pint and 15p for a vodka. Even on my meagre grant and student loan, I could readily afford a dozen pints and three or four vodkas a day, so that is what I drank.

Anyway, a year or so in, a girlfriend from home turns up to stay for a couple of days for some "front bum-bum" interference (which was always welcome). She was very sweet but a bit mumsy. Anyway, one particular evening in the bar, I return from the bog having drained off my ninth and tenth pints, when she notices a lot of red specks and blotches all over my shoes. Upon questioning I inform her that it is spray back from the urinal, and that due to my excessive drinking, I have regularly been pissing blood for several months now and think that perhaps my liver and kidneys are giving up the ghost. She is immediately devasted, cue two further days of nagging until fortunately she fucks off back home.

A week later, girlfriend turns up again, but this time with my parents. Mother looks ashen faced and Dad is on the verge of an explosion. She of course has told them about my toxic innards and regular blood urination. After an hour or so of resisting my parents' attempts to whisk me off the hospital, home, alcoholics anonymous, rehab etc, I finally show my hand. The honest truth was that I had been painting the garage door...red...the day before the girlfriend arrived, hence the "blood" spatters on my shoes.

I thought it was quite a good wheeze, but surprisingly they didn't seem to find it very funny. Bet they didn't talk much to the girlfriend on the six hour drive back to Norfolk.
(Mandrill, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 1:54, 1 reply)

Ahaha
Thanks for that, cheered my morning up no end!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 8 Aug 2008, 9:02, closed)