Other edited lowlights
1. Attending a New Year's party & whilst the female of the house was searching for a CD on all fours, crawling up behind her to get a great view of her (admittedly sumptuous) arse & exclaiming "Dear me, that's fantastic"....

2. Wanking to hotel porn in a hotel room in Northampton at 4am whilst minging with drink, with my best mate in the other bed in the room, and shouting "Come you bastard" at my cock, because it wouldn't work due to the beer. I'm sure the people in the next bedroom were happy...

3. Pulling in Exeter & shagging a woman who was classy enough to at least dismount when she answered the phone call from her boyfriend wondering where she was......

All of which are now stories told with regularity & increasing exaggeration by my mates. The hotel wanking one has been known to last half an hour with minute detail.

EDIT - full version now in reply.
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 9:01, 4 replies)

can't we get the full version?
for the funny.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 9:25, closed)

Trouble is
I'm not sure how well it would work in typed form, rather than with the spoken word. I'll try...
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 9:40, closed)

The full version
An autumn Friday night circa 2001, deepest Northamptonshire, having just witnessed my particular shower of shite lose miserably at the Theatre of Polymers that is home to Rushden & Diamonds FC.

Rather than make the long trek back North on the same night, we had arranged to stay at a hotel in Northampton, one of the Marriotts I think. Having also fleeced the resident bookie at R&D FC, we were somewhat flush & ready for a beer or five.

When we get to the bar, we experience difficulty in being served, as the only on-duty barman has a habit of pissing off to destinations unknown for about 10 minutes at a time.

So we took matters into our own hands, leaning over the bar & refilling as necessary. The group of business types present for some sort of weekend conference were only too happy to join in the blagging, though we made sure someone bought something whenever the barman put in an appearance.

Fast forward to 3am & I am last up & very pissed. One last drink & a tour of the hotel later, I arrive back at the room, waking my mate up in the process of wheeling in a "Mastermind" type chair to the room.

"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Nice chair this"
"And?"
"It'll look nice in the corner of the room"

I proceeded to lie down on my bed, which had a large carved wooden headboard, but banged my head off it very heavily

"Aahhhh yer bastard!!" (this becomes a running theme)

At this point I decide I am hungry & the only way I can satisfy the hunger is to go "minesweeping" outside the other rooms. This involves raiding the leftovers of room service where people have left the trays outside the hotel room door for collection. Collection by a fat, pissed bloke.

I return to the room to utter derision from my mate.

"Don't fucking knock it, there was a great big steak someone had left, it was fucking lovely"

I lay down again.

"Aahhhh yer bastard!"

I then decided I was horny & needed a wank, so the hotel porn was broken out. I located the remote & started the search, lying back down again.

"Ahhh yer bastard!"

*Muffled laughter from other bed*

I get the porn channel & plug in the necessary codes to make tits & fannies appear in front of my eyes.
Naturally we always forget that hotel porn is absolute shite, so I perch myself on the end of the bed and get ready for onanistic pleasure. I'm not going to pull the head off it in full view of my mate, I do have SOME standards.......

Trouble is, the entertainment provided is not really hitting the spot. It's the softcore Ben Dover / Neal Down type stuff favoured by the porn channels on Sky.

My mate in bed behind my right shoulder has craftily knocked one out beneath the sheets (though he denies this when telling the tale)

So I'm on the edge of the bed desperately trying to coax some life into my pathetic excuse of a cock, loudly bemoaning the lack of female quality on view when, at last, the scene changes & a woman appears that is much more to my liking.

"SHE'll DO!" I roar & begin furiously tugging as the blood begins to flow.

Trouble is that the alcohol is preventing me reaching the end of the runway, so I start roaring at my cock

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YER? WHY WON'T YOU WORK? COME, YOU BASTARD!!"

Well, eventually I managed to coax a little cock-snot out of myself and, satisfied, I settled down to try & sleep.

"Aahhhh yer bastard!"

*Mate now stuffs pillow over his face to stifle laughter*

After a short period of time I realised I needed the bog. When I got there, it took some time for the flow to begin. This clearly was just not good enough, and my ire at my genitalia had clearly not subsided.

"PISS, YOU BASTARD!!" was the mega-decibel instruction.

It eventually obeyed & I returned to bed.

"Aahhh yer bastard!"

Eventually sleep kicked in. As did the industrial levels of snoring. Keeping my mate awake. He's pissed off & gathers together all the spare sheets & pillows and piles them on top of my head to drown the noise. (Kicking me hadn't worked, so deep was the slumber).

It works.

For 5 minutes.

Just as he is drifting off, I cast off the piles of sheets & blankets, saying "HOT HOT HOT!! - FUCKING FREEZING" and immediately begin the cartoon snoring again.

He eventually went & slept in the bathroom.

I always REALLY enjoy it when he tells that story (complete with actions) in the presence of strangers....
(Worthless wishes he had the brains of a pigeon, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 10:18, closed)

I really can't stop laughing
*Click*

Aahhhh yer bastard!
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 12:04, closed)