b3ta.com user chthonic
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You can probably work out a lot more about me from my website: chthonic ionic - www.chthonicionic.net

There's also my "meanwhile..." gallery where I've stuck some of my captioned piccies.

My brother-in-law is an architect in South Manchester please give him work :)

Recent front page messages:

(Fri 27th Oct 2017, 0:25, More)

Wanders in, reposts old stuff. Wanders out. Apologies
(Thu 7th Sep 2017, 14:30, More)

Important Notice
Knee-jerk bans are always the best policy, eh?
(Tue 9th Nov 2010, 11:03, More)

For that ole time flavour you like not a lot...
Clicky for wallpaper sized

Clicky for wallpaper sized
(Fri 1st Oct 2004, 13:39, More)

fun for the whole cave

Can you beat Guggh's score of 5?
(Wed 5th May 2004, 17:01, More)

More Easter fun

(Sun 4th Apr 2004, 3:15, More)

(Thu 28th Aug 2003, 12:16, More)

Jake never could quite get the hang of mounting his new road bike

Click for biggie
(Tue 19th Aug 2003, 12:38, More)

They paint, they paint, they paint and paint and paint...

(Thu 12th Jun 2003, 15:40, More)

Lulu is going to make a mint on this one

From an idea by Pollollups
Apologies for the almost crass lack of effort on this one
(Mon 2nd Jun 2003, 13:23, More)

Jules Remmet's still gleaming...

(Fri 30th May 2003, 14:36, More)

clicky for much much bigger
clicky for much bigger

My gallery: meanwhile...
(Wed 30th Apr 2003, 13:38, More)

(Thu 13th Mar 2003, 9:17, More)

I think it's corked

clicky for bigger
(Mon 10th Mar 2003, 18:20, More)

(Mon 3rd Mar 2003, 17:53, More)

clicky for bigger

[I've updated my gallery a little]
(Thu 6th Feb 2003, 18:20, More)

click for a bit bigger
(Tue 28th Jan 2003, 14:57, More)

(Mon 20th Jan 2003, 12:04, More)

hubba hubba hubba

(Thu 16th Jan 2003, 14:28, More)

Left to guard the hopper plantations
on his own for the first time, Jake fell
for the oldest trick in the book...

(Mon 6th Jan 2003, 18:47, More)

Our cat Jake

because he is fab
(Thu 5th Dec 2002, 17:03, More)

Santana's first concert soon ended in a big strop
and no dinner
(Mon 18th Nov 2002, 14:25, More)

Careful now

(Fri 15th Nov 2002, 15:51, More)

Up Periscope...
(Fri 8th Nov 2002, 14:54, More)

clicky for bigger
(Fri 8th Nov 2002, 12:56, More)

Oh... my... god...

I'm just covered in cat hair.
(Wed 16th Oct 2002, 11:28, More)

Shite - forgot to feed the cat this morning

(Wed 4th Sep 2002, 13:17, More)

I found this guy hiding
in a pile of old wood

Be careful lighting those bonfires folks.
(Tue 3rd Sep 2002, 17:05, More)

The Red Cross use these 'cos it cheers up the kiddies

(Wed 28th Aug 2002, 17:04, More)

Hidden deep with the forest glades
the toasters waited for the launch codes

(Fri 23rd Aug 2002, 14:19, More)

I cleared out the spice rack this weekend:
some of its been there since September

(Mon 29th Jul 2002, 10:39, More)

Tom 'Rambo' Levelob: Marmot

(Mon 22nd Jul 2002, 15:53, More)

The US Army missile targetting system leaves a lot to be desired:

(Fri 5th Jul 2002, 8:36, More)

We would never have won the war without
Mr Churchill's little secret friend ...

but what a price we paid...
(Wed 3rd Jul 2002, 13:30, More)

Safety equipment for the stressed

(Fri 28th Jun 2002, 15:26, More)

He's going to drop that pint....
Which fool served him anyway?
(Mon 17th Jun 2002, 17:50, More)

Every bouncer's nightmare...
I'm 18, honest
(Fri 14th Jun 2002, 17:15, More)

I know what you're thinking.
Did he fire six shots or only five.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement,
I kind have lost track myself.
(Fri 14th Jun 2002, 10:15, More)

(Wed 12th Jun 2002, 12:22, More)

spadoing... spadoing... LOOK OUT!

(Tue 11th Jun 2002, 14:27, More)

Whistler's mother was well cheesed off
to find that Antiques Hunt wasn't on, but soon perked up.

(Fri 7th Jun 2002, 13:23, More)

A fascinating insight into the creative process
summarising the internal indecision and confusion
experienced by the artist. What should he do for this
weeks competition? Will people like it? Where should
he put the kittens this time?

"Notes from a b3ta image" 2002
Photoshop, Google Image Search and Crayon. JPEG compression
(Fri 7th Jun 2002, 11:47, More)

lumpy - here you go

(Tue 28th May 2002, 10:05, More)

No road sense whatsoever...

(Tue 28th May 2002, 9:04, More)

Never let go of the handlebars

Poor thing looks like he's crapped himself
(Tue 28th May 2002, 8:35, More)

For his next trick he will ROFLMAOFLOAO

(Fri 24th May 2002, 10:57, More)

If you go down to the woods today...
(Wed 22nd May 2002, 15:56, More)

If the dwarf stopped for only a second,
we might stand a chance:

(Fri 10th May 2002, 11:14, More)

Christ, this one's empty as well...

(Thu 2nd May 2002, 16:19, More)

The fashion for live marmot muffs was short lived

(Mon 29th Apr 2002, 14:11, More)

sod copyright

(Fri 22nd Mar 2002, 11:41, More)

All hail the dancing loon(s)

(Tue 19th Mar 2002, 6:33, More)

We all carry our own personal hell around with us
It's just that Vanessa's is a bit more prominent than most

(Fri 15th Mar 2002, 8:32, More)

startled by a cry for help, crab_bloke flys to the rescue

(Mon 11th Mar 2002, 6:47, More)

worse than marilyn manson

(Fri 8th Mar 2002, 8:53, More)

It's been a problem since birth

(Thu 7th Mar 2002, 3:32, More)

Board Games that should never have been made
click for a bigger image (click for bigger)
(Wed 6th Mar 2002, 11:21, More)

The live owler hat was highly sought after
by the man about town in Baltimore

(Tue 5th Mar 2002, 9:41, More)

The creative process in action

(Wed 27th Feb 2002, 10:26, More)

B3ta Meter
Every time someone donates, furtive shoves in another penguin:

(Wed 27th Feb 2002, 9:21, More)

I think I may have misunderstood this band width crisis
These guys are huge, are getting bigger all the time,
and have done over 150 gigs in the last month...

(Wed 27th Feb 2002, 8:00, More)

The best cat ever
is an allrounder.

Here he is in Utah winning gold in the luge:

(Thu 21st Feb 2002, 6:03, More)

Quick Gay Dog! The bone-phone is ringing

(Tue 19th Feb 2002, 4:03, More)

My Dad's 65 this weekend
and I want to get him one of these:

This is Houston, ready for launch. 5 .. 4 .. 3 .. 2 .. 1 .. the stairlift has cleared the tower
(Fri 15th Feb 2002, 9:40, More)

They've been very quiet about that kitten's
brother, Bcc:

(Fri 15th Feb 2002, 2:53, More)


(Fri 8th Feb 2002, 10:43, More)

That guy with the ear hair is a natural clown *

* Extra dates now available at
the Delhi Odeon. Book Now
(Wed 6th Feb 2002, 12:12, More)

What ho chaps, this new bouncing sexbomb is just the ticket
for sorting out the jerries


[not sure where this came from, probably the waterskiing image]
(Wed 6th Feb 2002, 10:00, More)

Now that amazon have seen fit
to furnish me with a copy of their MD's signature in their
latest email, I can go signing things...

Robin Terrell
Managing Director
(Mon 4th Feb 2002, 10:34, More)

This one fell through a time tunnel from two weeks time
wait for it...
(Fri 1st Feb 2002, 10:32, More)

The bastards ripped off the
campaign from the British Hospitality Union.

I mean, compare the two logos:

(Wed 23rd Jan 2002, 8:46, More)

It wasn't Microsoft's fault after all
now BAA have tracked down the real culprit:

[I'm willing to blame this guy every time]
(Mon 21st Jan 2002, 9:51, More)

the only keyboard I'll ever need

Now back to arranging cows...
(Wed 16th Jan 2002, 6:57, More)

New from Mattel - Advanced Baby Simulator 3000tm
The most advanced baby simulator ever

©2002 Mattel
(Fri 11th Jan 2002, 9:58, More)

Apologies in advance for the awful pun

(Mon 7th Jan 2002, 8:54, More)

Luckily his skills got the message across in time

(Fri 4th Jan 2002, 6:22, More)

Sheesh, those pesky kids
have been at my nice sculpture

(Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 9:13, More)

It was fab
lots of nice, cheap food. Lots of nice, cheap people.

Erm, where was I?
Saw lots of cute furry things - koalas, platypus, lyre birds, kookaburras. Only thing I failed to see at all (even in the zoo) was a bloody echidna. Oh, and some arse had dumped oil all over the fairy penguins, so none to see - and they sounded so cool.

Only echidna I saw was this one, now sitting on my desk:

(Thu 3rd Jan 2002, 4:42, More)

It's that mouse again I'm afraid

(Wed 5th Dec 2001, 4:44, More)

KY kitten after being on the game for 4 years

(Fri 30th Nov 2001, 9:51, More)

Ever since I appeared on b3ta
my career has...

(Fri 30th Nov 2001, 9:38, More)

This one's pretty intelligent
look - it's filled the bowl with muesli first:

(Fri 30th Nov 2001, 8:48, More)

b3ta bear
we love the web, and bare bears!

There was something familiar about the pose...
(Fri 30th Nov 2001, 5:40, More)

I knew I'd seen that smug baby
somewhere before

(Mon 26th Nov 2001, 7:05, More)

I think I know why it's called KY Kitten

Whahey! B3ta is back!

(Fri 23rd Nov 2001, 9:55, More)

It's accordian pig...

[You'll have to imagine the sound for the time being.]
(Tue 13th Nov 2001, 8:28, More)

How many more must die
before this sick fashion trend is over?

Stop him before he kills again.
(Thu 8th Nov 2001, 7:33, More)

If it wasn't for you pesky b3ta kids...
... i'd have gotten away with it.

(Thu 8th Nov 2001, 6:24, More)

New b3ta logo

(Thu 8th Nov 2001, 5:08, More)

I am carrot bloke
... feel my pain

(Thu 8th Nov 2001, 3:58, More)

It just came off in me hand, honest

(Wed 7th Nov 2001, 3:37, More)

Darn - you got to be quick around here
(got interupted by my boss doing this one - fun)

(Thu 1st Nov 2001, 10:03, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Have you ever seen a dead body?

When Rob suggested this question, my immediate reaction was, no, not yet anyhow.
Then I remembered Joe.

Joe had been covered with a blanket. I remember pulling it back, steeling myself in case I couldn't cope, but it was OK - there he was. Kinda peaceful looking.

The hospital left me with him as long as I needed. We sat for an hours talking about all the things I'd wanted to tell him. A one-sided conversation maybe, but a conversation all the same.

It was the silly small hours of the night, so it was quiet both inside and out. So quiet that I hardly noticed time passing or what I was doing. I certainly wasn't that rational - at one point I realised I'd spent quarter of an hour attempting to contort my body into the same pose that Joe was now occupying, just so I'd always remember it. I can't now, which is sad.

At some point I must have fallen asleep. I was woken by a nurse asking if she could take Joe away again, which was when I realised I'd seen enough and made my peace.

Farewell, son.
(Thu 28th Feb 2008, 15:25, More)

» Weddings

More best-man's speeches
The absolute worst I've ever heard consisted only of, "I hope the groom is as happy with his new wife as I was when I used to go out with her. She's a bit of a goer."
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 15:52, More)

» Weddings

Last one from me today
I attended a fantastic registry office wedding in Yorkshire once where the bride and groom had chosen to get married to the Imperial March from Star Wars.

All very geeky and dramatic.

Unfortunately, it's quite short, and the tape kept running, so they actually conducted most of the service to the Cantina Music from Star Wars...
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 16:34, More)

» Toilets

Travelling across the centre of Australia by bus
I got chatting to the driver. He was bored. It takes hours to get anywhere and he's got to keep himself awake somehow, for his benefit as well as ours.

He had three favourite methods:
* He'd transfer a pen from his left shirt pocket to his right with his right hand, then from his right to the left with his left hand. The rhythym of this would give him something to fill the hours.
* He'd find a nose hair and very gently, very slowly pull it out. This is would wake even the dead.
* But, best of all he'd wait for someone to go to the onboard toilet, wait for a count of 5 and then gently dip the brakes. The subsequent *thunk* would keep him awake and giggling all night long.
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 11:57, More)

» Weddings

We turned up late to my cousin's wedding
mostly because we were giving her brother a lift up to it. He managed to remember the 6 bags of camera equipment he'd need for a photoshoot later that day, but not his suit.

Anyways, we get to this country hotel and there's loads of people milling about in their best clothes waiting to go into the reception.

How late are we? Much embarrassed, we slip into the queue to shake hands with the family and start talking to those around us, telling how Sara is my cousin and how I'd not met Steve her new husband yet and why we were late.

Was having a great time till I realised that I really didn't recognise _any_ of the people in the queue, or, as we got closer to the door, any of the people welcoming us to the reception.

Turns out that it was a Sara marrying a Steve alright, just not the correct Sara and Steve.

To a huge round of applause, we bow out of the queue and sprint to the other end of the hotel, where the correct wedding is just starting.

If we'd kept quiet, I reckon we could have wangled two meals though.
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 16:29, More)
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