Desperate Dan
This would have fitted well into the last QOTW but no matter. I was a 17 year old pub virgin at my first hard man’s pub. I was there with some friends but I had wandered over to the pool table as I thought I was pretty decent (owning a second hand pool table) and that playing pool with some hard nuts would improve my machismo. There were a bunch of neanderthals already playing with the biggest one, a Desperate Dan figure, playing another one.

I stood by the wall behind but adjacent to Desperate Dan so he could use his cue properly. I was feeling smug as they weren’t playing very well. Desperate Dan missed a straight shot close up on the black. I tried not to laugh (such youthful arrogance! What a shit I was!).

Anyway, I was trying so hard not to laugh at the fact that he had missed a complete sitter that I unfortunately sort of coughed, and my chewing gum popped out of my mouth and hit his hand that he was using the rest the cue on. Oh and the gum stuck to his hand. And it was pink hubba bubba.

I instantly made like a 1.75 metre jar of liquid nitrogen with my eyes fluttering in the other direction as if I was trying to check the scores of the telly at the end of the bar.

I feel a hot beery breath blowing into my face from 35cm upwards.

“Is this yours?” he asked sibilantly.

“Errrr, what? Noooo…what?” I clenched disarmingly.

He brought up his fist to my face with the pink gum stuck on it glistening at me guiltily.

“The gum. Is it yours?”

“Uhhhhm, I dooooon’t really eat guuuuum much” I gurned spastically.

He levelled his fist at me until it touched my nose, then with great care, manoeuvred the gum so that it was nestling at the entrance to my nostril. Then he hefted his ham hock fist slightly so that the little ball of gum slid into my nose, plugging it instantly.

“I’ll have a pint of John Smiths, and my friends here will all have the same,”

I gave him a rictus grin and snorted with terror, unfortunately firing the gum from my nostril onto the pool table again. My mind gibbered and I tottered off to the bar, ordered the drinks, paid for them, then asked the barman to deliver them to the thugs playing pool.

I didn’t go back there in a hurry. I could get severe beatings at home.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 15:01, 1 reply)

Haha!
This is made of win!:-)
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Mon 16 Feb 2009, 11:35, closed)