The parent trap
I'm not very good at playing pranks. I give the game away before the denouement by laughing myself silly or nodding vigorously in a feeble attempt not to give the game away. So this story is about a really nasty evil prank played on me, which haunts me to this very day.

I am of the species "Onlyius childus" and as such was adored and spoiled by my loving parents. I wasn't wrapped just in cotton wool but a nice layer of bubble wrap over the top and big squishy quilt, just in case. My mum only worked part time so that she could collect me from school everyday and make me banana sandwiches and cake. It was fab, but it also meant that I was cushioned from any sibling pranks and did not acquire a hard veneer of coolness in the face of trickery.

One awesome Tuesday when I was 10, my mum informed me that on Thursday evening she was going to have to be late home from work, no big deal, she'd be in by around four-ish, but...and here comes the big awe-inspiring moment...I was going to have to LET MYSELF IN, with a KEY, to the HOUSE, which would be EMPTY. If my life had ended at that one moment I would have skipped through St.Peter's gate with a shit-eating grin on my face. I was overjoyed. At last - I could almost feel my parents' grip loosening on my freedom.

Wednesday felt like time had not only stopped, but was actively running backwards. In the evening my mum handed over the sacred key (on a really cool keyring that had a hula-girl on it, when you pointed it one way her hips went left and the words at the top said "I wiggle and I giggle" when you tilted it the other, her hips went right and the words changed to "'Cos I like it" Weird eh? What a strange keyring to give a 10 year old over protected GIRL) and I experienced an almost spiritual moment of joy, followed by terror that I would lose it and be locked out.

Thursday finally arrived, and as I walked home from school I felt very grown up. I trod on cracks (Childish to worry about mothers' backs) and carried myself in a whole new adult fashion (I probably looked like a little hooker, but hey - this was a different time and there weren't peodos waiting to pounce on every corner.) When I got to the front door - and I'm feeling really self-conscious as I write this - I rang the doorbell, I was scared to just use the key and wanted to make sure I was alone. I knocked on the door and also *blush* shouted through the letter box "Hellooooo mum? are you there?". No reply, and by now I was starting to experience my first incidence of doorstep incontinence. I slipped the key into the lock, opened the door and ran up the stairs for a wee. I left the door open (The freedom) and sang a little song "I'm having a wee-eee in the house, and there's no one he-ere" I bounded down the stairs, excited as a little puppy and as I ran into the living room, a creature leapt out from behind the door and shrieked "BOOOOOO!!!"

Well, all I can say is Thank Christ I'd been to the toilet. My heart leapt into my throat and the adrenaline started pumping. Fight or flight wasn't in it I fucking FROZE and I let out the most enormous scream of my life. I actually saw a tunnel with my nan at the end beckoning me towards her. Fuck! I was so scared.

Who was this tormentor? Who would have done such a thing, It must be a murderer - or maybe that scary man from those videos they showed at school - the one with some puppies and sweeties, and a sinister undertone I didn't quite understand. I turned and gazed upon the monster who had so ruined this magical afternoon, and who, ultimately was likely to kill me and eat me.

It was my mum.

Who knows what possessed her to do such I thing? I've asked her, she just shrugs, looks a bit embarrassed and laughs. hmmmpfh.

I can imagine her, hearing the ring of the doorbell, the knock on the door, the "yoohooo" through the letterbox and secreting herself away, a little giggling girl herself once more.

In the end, I wept for about an hour - I felt fury, embarrassment, bewilderment and betrayal in equal measure. But, in the end, I think I got my own back - I made her suffer for weeks - and in a way almost to this day - as I never forgot and here I sit 23 years later repeating the story to an audience of thousands - mwhahaha.

She apologised and so I pass that one onto you - mine's for length, hers was for almost killing her only daughter with fright.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Thu 13 Dec 2007, 18:54, 2 replies)

I love this!
*stores in mental bank of pranks to play on own children in about 15 years or so...*
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 14 Dec 2007, 14:28, closed)

*clicks*
Excellent :)
(fatharry, Tue 18 Dec 2007, 11:11, closed)